I am livid

[Cadam]

Sorry for being a board hog but I want to scream and have no one to scream to. :mad:

ds spends 3 days a week with his mom. Really she is a wonderful woman and loves him a ton. She really is not evil and means well. But she is driving me absolutely and completely crazy. I know it's a short trip, but ykwim.

Since I have a total of 3 school days with him (we school Saturday to fit that many in) I send some very basic homework to his mom's house. Never mind that she signed off on the curriculum choices, or that she has a TM she could just as easily read and follow. I still type every last thing out because it is easier for her to have an assignment list. o.k. fine. If it helps a single mom cope that is great. I make sure there is nothing she actually has to help him with. Everything I ask him to do is basic and can be done on his own. He has been instructed many times (and taken me up on it) that if he doesn't understand something he can call and I will talk him through it.

All this to say - She doesn't actually have to participate just tell him "do your school work". For all his 10 yo attitude he is a pretty compliant child and would actually do it most of the time.

He came back this week and had. done. nothing. :mad: He is going to fail a test in the morning because he didn't do the study sheets I made up for him. I bust my @%$$% to give this kid an education and it gets undermined every week because video games are more important than learning! Did I mention she doesn't actually have to participate?

I feel so used, under-minded and mostly disrespected. I really want to kick something, but I would probably just break my toe. You know who really gets cheated? My sweet ds who is just a regular 10 yo boy, thrilled that he got to play video games for 3 days straight. He is struggling so much right now with some basic things and he needs them practiced as much as possible. He has dreams and I want to help him reach those dreams but he's going to have to continue to struggle if he doesn't work at it a little everyday, or at least 5 days a week!

I feel like all my work just gets thrown away. Why should I stay up late typing up assignments, grading papers, figuring points exc. if it means nothing? :confused:

[Amy in Orlando]

((((Christina))))) I think you might just have to let the time he spends with his mom go. I hate to say it, but it doesn't seem to be on her list of priorities and I doubt that's going to change. Can you adjust his visitation with her so that he gets a bulk of school in and a week off with his mom?

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Peek a Boo]

man, that sucks!!!

Is there anyway that you can call *him* while he's gone and talk him through some stuff?

I know, i know....even if you can, that's not really the point.....
so sorry!!

{{{Christina}}

[Tammy in Germany]

I think if it were me, I would probably change the way we do school. If it causes you so much frustration just do it with him and while he's gone that his down time. You can just school 3 days a week and extend his school year. Sorry your going through this!

[Milseain]

I just wanted to give you a big hug ((((((Christina))))))) :D

[Night Elf]

As a homeschooling mom, I understand your frustration. As a mom of a child who has another house with Dad & Stepmom, I believe you're expecting too much.

First of all, it sounds like you're the one who really wants to homeschool. If it were up to the bio mom, would the child be in school? You know it takes a lot of effort and patience to homeschool even if all we're expected to do is say 'do your schoolwork'. There is still the challenge to get the child to sit down and do the stuff, sometimes looking over their shoulder several times to help him stay on task.

Second, please don't underestimate the guilt factor. My ex often got angry at me for not following through with something he and his wife expected. For example, they would punish my daughter for some infraction and then expect me to continue carrying out said punishment. Um, I don't think so! For the longest time, I only saw her on weekends and school holidays. And their parenting style is definitely different than mine. I wasn't about to let their parenting style interfere with my relationship with my daughter. I wanted our time together to be fun. I considered myself the weekend parent, i.e. the one with very little responsibilities. Maybe not always logical but very typical.

And last, there is the fact that his mom's house is a totally different place from your house. The two are not connected. It's two sets of rules, basically. We've encountered this numerous times and had to learn to bite our tongues. The key is to learn to deal with your rules in your house. Period. I don't mean that to sound harsh. I'm just speaking from experience. I never bad-mouth my ex and his wife, but I have always explained to my daughter that I cannot expect her dad and his wife to play by my rules anymore than they can expect me to play by their rules. Heck, the difference in our very personalities is a major reason why her dad and I divorced! :)

What is the exact custody arrangement? If your son spends 3 days a week with his mom, you should probably be schooling him the other 4 days per week, even if it is over the weekend. His 3 days with his mom are his weekend. I realize that cuts into your weekend or school days off, but in such a special situation as this, I think it should be seriously considered.

Hope some of this helps. :)

[readwithem]

man, that sucks!!!

Is there anyway that you can call *him* while he's gone and talk him through some stuff?

I know, i know....even if you can, that's not really the point.....
so sorry!!

{{{Christina}}

Actually I think this is a great idea - it reminds *everybody* what was agreed upfront.

[Lady Katherine]

I can understand your frustration. But really, you're trying to control something that you can't control. His mom is under no obligation to do what you ask, and cannot be made to do what you ask. You are setting yourself up for frustration by expecting it. And you can't change another person. You are going to have to work with the situation AS IT IS, not as you want it to be. That's rotten, but... it's reality.

[PariSarah]

Oh, yuck, I'm sorry. That can't be any fun. Good on you for trying to see it in a positive light--it would be so easy for this to be "just one more thing you hate about HER."

Is there any chance you could mentor/push/drag him along towards taking responsibility for it himself? Is there any motivation (positive or, perhaps, *mildly* negative) that would make him think, "Hm. . . .let me do just one worksheet before I pick up the game controls"? Could you s-l-o-w-l-y introduce him to the idea of just doing it himself and not involving her? It doesn't seem horrifically cruel for you to expect that he *eventually* develop the discipline to do something even when no one is reminding him. He'll need that skill for college, right?

This is only remotely parallel, but ds used to get in trouble a lot at school because he had a very, very lax teacher. She wouldn't correct or reprimand him at all, so he wouldn't do what she wanted at all. It wasn't ideal, but we eventually had to do it where, if she felt the need to tell me about it at the end of the day, I was going to do something about it. So, eventually, he learned to "import" our expectations even into an environment where they weren't enforced.

Can you figure out a way to do something like that? It doesn't have to be punitive.

[momofkhm]

If your son spends 3 days a week with his mom, you should probably be schooling him the other 4 days per week, even if it is over the weekend. His 3 days with his mom are his weekend. I realize that cuts into your weekend or school days off, but in such a special situation as this, I think it should be seriously considered.

I was thinking the same thing. Can you change the days his mom has him to the weekend days? That would be easier on you for school with your other children as well. If mom has him Friday/Saturday/Sunday, then you can school Monday-Thursday.

[Jill, OK]

...with this and with the advice below to try and school year 'round, so that three days would be sufficient.

You have to have some 'weekend' time with him, too, so I wouldn't extend his 'school' to Sunday, but I think you're going to have to let go of the work you send with him.

I'd focus on the fact that she doesn't insist on him going to school, be grateful that it's nothing worse than video games, and work with what you have.

It could be *so* much worse. I know that isn't immediately helpful to you, as far as your feelings go, and it doesn't lighten your workload, but I'd try and focus on the positives, and keep the relationships the priority, all around.

[Cadam]

Thanks for the sympathies everyone. Just to clarify a few things...

It was his mom's idea to homeschool and she would rather he didn't see the inside of a classroom until University.

We have him Th - Sun and so we do school on the weekend but for religious reasons we won't school on Sundays.

Previously we split the homeschooling by subject but this year she asked that things be more integrated so he was doing the same things at each house. We choose a pre-planned thing so we could each just follow it on the days we had him. I think we will have to go back to splitting subjects next year. It has it's challenges but doesn't make me want to put my head through a wall.

We have set up an incentive program for ds. Dh's point was that if he was in school and didn't do his homework they wouldn't just give him a pass because no one forced him to do it. Ds hates schooling in summer but I think since he is getting so much vacation during the year that may just be how it is.

for those who wondered, the custody is just whatever we want it to be. We have always had him when his mom was working. I realize she is more like the weekend parent and just wants to spend fun time with him. However I expected her to live up to what she agreed to (she suggested it after-all)! I know their time is special and I really do want to support that relationship but I will need to change my expectations to meet reality instead of what I would like it to be as someone suggested.

It's really not a matter of me not liking her. We actually like each-other just fine. We are just very, very different. She would be a great unschooling parent. She is great at allowing him to follow interests and make messes but the only way dh agreed to allow us to hs is if we were classical.

I really just needed to get it off my chest and Peek is right. It's not really about the homework. It's about feeling disrespected.

[Tracey in TX]

What is her rationale for not enforcing the homework? Would she prefer public school and she's being passive-aggressive in not encouraging ds to finish assignments? Does she believe hs is a second-class education and is allowing him to fail to prove a point? Or is she simply oblivious to his academic needs?
If you can find out her reason for lack of support, you may be able to work out the issues. It's best to get her supporting this endeavor than to work around her. Ideally you want to share a united front to raising ds.
No matter what the outcome, you're doing an amazing job! You care for ds and want the best for him :)

[Jill, OK]

...the fact that she suggested it makes a huge difference.

Could you work with the fact that she would be a great 'unschooling' parent? I take that to mean that she would facilitate learning...just not in a traditional way.

What if you sat down and talked with her and asked that if she isn't going to follow the plan you make up, that she keep a log of what she *does* do with him, educationally-speaking, so that you guys could be working towards the same goals.

Would she do better with a loose-suggestion type setup, rather than a hard and fast list? Could you tell her what you're studying, give her some suggestions, and then let her kind of work with that?

Generally, parents fall into different categories, even if they live in the same house. Maybe you guys can find a way to make the most of everyone's strengths, and still require some accountability?

The fact that she's more than just supportive of homeschooling makes me change my answer slightly. I'd still suggest letting go of some expectations, but if your agreement isn't being stuck to, I'd reassess, and make some changes so that everyone is *working*, even if it doesn't look the same at each house.

But keep in mind that I'm not one to shun unschooling...I don't think a split between unschooling and classical would be a bad thing. Of course, if your dh feels differently...well, that's a horse of a different color.

((Hugs)). I hope you work out something that benefits everyone.

[Adrianne]

What you are trying to do is very difficult! I had a HS back in NJ that was going through a similar situation. Only the mom was trying to tell my friend what to teach! But when the son was home, she did nothing to help him with school work. It is so hard!

But I also feel you are trying to control something you do not have control over. Can you have a heart to heart with the mom? How is your relationship with her? May be expressing your concerns for his needs might help to motivate her? Otherwise, you need to let it go.

((((Christina)))))

I hope the rest of your day goes better!:)

Adrianne

[LisaTheresa]

Maybe it would work better for you to return to the way you homeschooled in the past. If the mom is more of an unschooler, maybe you could do the 3R's with your son 3 days a week year round and she could unschool the other subjects? If your son is behind, I think I would still work with him to complete the homework you give him to do at his mom's house though. Maybe you could motivate him by letting him know he can have summers off only if he completes his work during the school year?

I can definitely empathize. I have a stepdaughter with severe learning disabilities and there have been programs my husband and I have wanted to pursue to help her, but have not been able to because her mother has no interest. As others have said, you simply cannot control what goes on at the other home.

It sounds like you have a very good relationship with the mom, you just need to figure out a schedule that works better for you.

Lisa

[Amy in NH]

I'm sorry, Christina! I have the same exact problem with my ex.

He used to be court-ordered to have the kids do their schoolwork during visitation (through a mediated agreement he signed), but for all of the 1/3 of the year they spent with him they did nothing but play video games and eat pop-tarts, and came home from every visit with none of their schoolwork done. Ugh!! It was impossible to get their work done in the abridged time I had with them, never mind actually have down-time, vacation time, or even a sick day. It was all-fun at Dad's house, and all-work at home!

I was so frustrated that I took him back to court and had his visitation cut shorter.

If this is an option for you, make sure you have *everything* documented.

No fun, living that way or going to court. It's better now, but not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.

No help - just commisseration...