Ds8 hates the swim team

[Scarlett]

He's only been to 4 classes. Twice last week, twice this week. He will miss all next week because we will be on vacation...but after that it is a 3 times a week class for 45 minutes. The first 2 days in the first week, he loved it. Suddenly he hates it. He cried after class today all the way home, saying he even had tears inside his goggles in the pool and never wants to go back.

When I press him on WHY he hates it, it appears to be that he feels he is no good at it (and while he is one of the slower ones in the class he is doing a fine job...definitely NOT terrible). He recounted 3 specific instances of trauma from todays class. Once he was terribly embarrased because he thought the coach said go and got all the way across the pool and everyone else was still back on the other side. The coach lifted his arms to ds and smiled and said, 'what was that?' Gently. Ds told the coach he thought he had said 'go.' Coach smiles and says, 'just stay there, the rest will come to you.' So yes, embarrasing, but no one was harsh to him over it. At all. Then once the coach yelled to ds, 'don't stop!' and ds thought he said, 'stop!' and so he stopped...no big deal, but again it embarrased ds.

And I can't remember the 3rd terrible (not) thing that happened.

I'm right there in the stands watching every single thing. No one is bullying ds (they dont stop swimming long enough to even speak much less bully each other!), the coach is not harsh and in fact is awesome. He is the main coach of the competitive swim team and normally doesn't teach the beginners, but for some reason he is this summer. He is kind and instructive and silly and encouraging...rubs their heads as they walk by, holds their arms to show form...a good coach.

So my feeling is that ds is just being worked harder than he has ever had to. He's not done organized sports at all, and never been too interested in any sport much to dh's disappointment. However, he is definitely a very rough and tumble boy too...plays with sticks, and climbs trees and over fences and runs with his dog. Comes home with poison ivy every other week....but he doesn't do well outside of his comfort zone and I think this is the problem. I told him as much. I told him I would not make him stay in the program if anyone was being mean to him in any way, but that is not the case. I told him straight up that he is just being too hard on himself and he needs to just tough it out and realize that if he sticks with it he will get better and have more confidence and really like it.

So I've made up my mind that I'm making him stick with it through July. Then I will re-evaluatee.

Opinions wanted. Will I ruin my kid making him stick with it?

[kaylk in tx]

of course we're a swim crazy family so that influences my opinion! but i wouldn't let my kids quit after just one not so great experience. he could go next time and have a blast and say it's the best thing since sliced bread! so i'd make a deal with him that he had to stick with it until a certain date and then you'd talk to him about it again, but until then he was going.

[Elaine]

He's only been to 4 classes. Twice last week, twice this week. He will miss all next week because we will be on vacation...but after that it is a 3 times a week class for 45 minutes. The first 2 days in the first week, he loved it. Suddenly he hates it. He cried after class today all the way home, saying he even had tears inside his goggles in the pool and never wants to go back.

When I press him on WHY he hates it, it appears to be that he feels he is no good at it (and while he is one of the slower ones in the class he is doing a fine job...definitely NOT terrible). He recounted 3 specific instances of trauma from todays class. Once he was terribly embarrased because he thought the coach said go and got all the way across the pool and everyone else was still back on the other side. The coach lifted his arms to ds and smiled and said, 'what was that?' Gently. Ds told the coach he thought he had said 'go.' Coach smiles and says, 'just stay there, the rest will come to you.' So yes, embarrasing, but no one was harsh to him over it. At all. Then once the coach yelled to ds, 'don't stop!' and ds thought he said, 'stop!' and so he stopped...no big deal, but again it embarrased ds.

And I can't remember the 3rd terrible (not) thing that happened.

I'm right there in the stands watching every single thing. No one is bullying ds (they dont stop swimming long enough to even speak much less bully each other!), the coach is not harsh and in fact is awesome. He is the main coach of the competitive swim team and normally doesn't teach the beginners, but for some reason he is this summer. He is kind and instructive and silly and encouraging...rubs their heads as they walk by, holds their arms to show form...a good coach.

So my feeling is that ds is just being worked harder than he has ever had to. He's not done organized sports at all, and never been too interested in any sport much to dh's disappointment. However, he is definitely a very rough and tumble boy too...plays with sticks, and climbs trees and over fences and runs with his dog. Comes home with poison ivy every other week....but he doesn't do well outside of his comfort zone and I think this is the problem. I told him as much. I told him I would not make him stay in the program if anyone was being mean to him in any way, but that is not the case. I told him straight up that he is just being too hard on himself and he needs to just tough it out and realize that if he sticks with it he will get better and have more confidence and really like it.

So I've made up my mind that I'm making him stick with it through July. Then I will re-evaluatee.

Opinions wanted. Will I ruin my kid making him stick with it?

You are doing the right thing. When my boys begin something I make them finish it, too. My four year old hated it at first and said he didn't want to go in. I gently told him that he had to. He knows how to swim and loved the first week, so:confused:

I think that in the end, your son will be glad that he stayed with it. It seems like the novelty has worn off and now it's work time, but by the end of the season he will see that he is swimming faster and stronger than he thought possible and he will be very proud of himself.

He'll be fine.:001_smile:

[ljf]

My daughter (10) has been swimming year round for two years now. Maybe your son would like it more if he knew that he would be recognized even if he doesn't win. Two things my daughter loves for motivation are the "personal best" ribbons the summer teams gives out, and the dollar store party prizes/oriental trading co. trinkets the winter swim coaches gave to kids who attended a certain percentage of practices. They enjoy the recognition for all their hard work. Some weeks i was just an air head candy, but the kids love it.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

We have had 2 different situations with swimming. The first was with my older ds when he was about 5, I think. I took him to lessons that started out fine. Then an older battle axe started working with him. She traumatized the poor dear. I was PO'd to say the least. I pulled him out after a few days with her. I mean, this sunshine like child who LOVED to go anywhere did not want to leave the house! He loved water and never wanted to swim again! I found him a brilliant teacher with whom we have been ever since. It took her a while to break through the garbage that got put into him in that very short time with that other person. For that reason, I pulled him out.

Now, my younger ds never had to go through that with the yucky teacher. He got to start off with the fabulous ones. He decided he hated it one day. I did not let him quit. I knew the teachers and was right there watching every single time. He was not being handled in any way that was inappropriate. He just had a grumpy day. A couple of lessons later, he loved it again. Did him no harm to make him continue since I assessed it was not anything where he was being treated badly.

It seems like yours is the second situation. In which case, expecting him to follow through with his commitments would be appropriate. I did keep talking to my younger ds to try and find out why. There was a moment that he decided that something didn't go well. We talked about it and I told him if he was confused about some instructions, he should politely ask his teacher. He knew that she is very nice and wouldn't be mad. He just needed help in processing what he perceived. He was fine after that.

Good luck! Keep on chatting with him to find out what made him upset. He might have thought that he needed to do something differently and really did not.

[ticklbee]

Since you've indicated that everything is fine w/the coach and other kids I think it is a great thing for you to have your ds follow through on this commitment and not give up.

My dd is in a similar situation but w/soccer. She is an awesome goalie and the go to girl when the team is behind and needs to avoid anymore goals but for some reason she has decided that she absolutely hates to be in goal and doesn't want to do it anymore. Thankfully the decision is not mine and I'm really happy that the coach does work w/her and lets her play defense but will make her play goal when it's needed. She's not happy about it, but I'm hoping it helps her to think about the team more and not just about herself.

[WendyK]

I'd encourage him to continue. If it turns into a horrid anxiety ridden experience then probably after giving it a fair try I would let him quit. It is supposed to be enjoyable right? Hopefully he feels better by the next class.

[Old Dominion Heather]

My ds8 was like this last year with football. He begged to quit after the first week and my husband and I wouldn't let him... It is a team sport.

He never really loved it, but he is prouder over that season of football than ANYTHING else he has ever done. He will probably play again this fall. He still maintains that it was the hardest thing he has ever done.

[Scarlett]

So I guess the question is how do you determine what is REAL anxiety that is not to be discounted and what is just dramatics? I mean, the tears in the car on the way home were real. But he is a drama king, so I wasn't convinced just by his tears. He didn't stop during the practice and come running to me....although he looked up at me at least 4 times and I gave him the thumbs up sign...

My plan for now is to insist he go through July....

Another little kink in the deal is that our neighbor, same age as ds, is on the same team and very very athletic...and that makes it hard...but he was out today and ds still hated it, so it isn't just the neighbor connection.

[midwestbelle]

she was so excited and couldn't wait to start. Then she started crying during her first lap. It was hard. She'd never done anything so physically hard before. The coach was very encouraging and she eventually got the hang of it and built up her endurance, I think it took several weeks. She still isn't the fastest, but she's not the slowest either. I think it's good to hang in there for a predetermined amount of time.

HTH

[hose]

Swimming is hard. Period. FWIW, my son cried for the first 6 months of swim team. Now he loves it! I never knew how hard it was until I tried it myself. How can swimming two laps be harder than running five miles? I don't know, but it sure is until you get used to it. Don't give up! He can do it!

[kaylk in tx]

SWIMMING IS WHAT FOOTBALL PLAYERS DO FOR PUNISHMENT! :lol:

[hose]

Hilarious!

[Scarlett]

Thank you all so much! Definitely the encouragement I needed to go with my first instinct and make him stick with it for a bit.

6 months! Oh, no. I don't know if *I* can hang with 6 months of his unhappiness. :) Through July I can do for sure....but I do want him to stick with it long enough to love it.

[hose]

Thank you all so much! Definitely the encouragement I needed to go with my first instinct and make him stick with it for a bit.

6 months! Oh, no. I don't know if *I* can hang with 6 months of his unhappiness. :) Through July I can do for sure....but I do want him to stick with it long enough to love it.

I didn't mean crying at every single practice for 6 months. Repeated crying only lasted a few weeks. :D After that, whenever he was asked to swim yardage that he had not yet swum, he would freak out a bit. For instance, if the longest he had previously swam was 100 yds. and the meet was a distance meet in which he had to swim 200 yds., we would have a little scene... many tears, much wailing... yada yada. But once he did it (he always could, he just didn't believe it), he was fine until the next distance was presented. It was a fear issue, not an ability issue. By the time he had been swimming 6 months, he was not afraid of any distance. Within a year, he was having the time of his life. Don't worry Scarlett! Your son will be fine! :001_smile:

[Violet]

My dd's 11 and 9 are on a summer swim team. My dd 9 will probably continue with a swim team in the fall. The first year that dd 11 joined, oh boy, it was hard. She cried and wailed about going to the first meet. She tried to refuse. We had to pick her up and put her in the car to take her. I told her that her coaches were expecting her to be there and that she couldn't make a commitment and then back out for no good reason. Now, she really likes swimming. She'd also pout and cry when she was expected to do a longer distance than what she was used to. But she's adjusted to that, too. Swimming is not easy. But they are now really loving it, so I guess it was worth it. I never made her sign up for any of the seasons. That was her choice, but once she signed up and I forked out the $, I did expect her to give it a fair shot.

Anita

[LisaK in VA]

We haven't been through this with swimming --- yet --- we're headed that way this fall. But, went through something very similar with piano lessons. DS has perfectionistic tendancies dating back to baby-hood, so anytime he has to "work" at something, he "doesn't like it, wants to quit, etc."

We didn't let him, and it's been great. He's learning one of those "life lessons" that some things you have to work for. Embarassment happens, and you move on. Letting him quit over things like that is tantamount to teaching him that when things don't go your way, or life gets tough -- just quit. Not exactly a recipe for success...

Now, if the coach were bad, or bullying occuring -- that's a different story entirely.

There are probably more rough patches ahead -- but it will probably get a lot easier after the first meet!

[Anne]

I really like LisaK's post. One of my dds hated trying anything new - absolutely HATED it! There was always a scene when anything new was suggested.

My dh and I are very thankful that we used to force her to try new things. She almost always loved them after awhile, and we did allow her to quit after she gave them a good try.

The lesson of trying something that is really hard - pushing yourself beyond the limits you thought you had - is priceless, and will affect his self-image for the rest of his life.

Follow your instincts - set a date for swimming re-assessment and let him choose at that time. There's no reason to force him to do something he hates for a long period of time.

There's a big difference between quitting because you've tried it and just didin't like it, and quitting because you think you can't.

Anne