Ds's college decision has dissapointed parents..(Any advice or comforting words?)

[Paz]

My parents, that is. Aparently what is important in a college for them is different from what we and ds feel is important. This all came to light when they found out that a friend's son just got admitted to a prestigious ivy league school. Now they are worried about the friends and connections ds will make (or will not make) at his college.

Ds narrowed down a college based on his major, geographic location, and size. He had picky standards for what was important for him. He most likely will be attending a small Christian college with a good educational reputation which is about 4 hours away. Dh and I think it is a perfect fit. I know I shouldn't care what my parents think but it hurts. No matter how excited I am about my kids' future and accomplishments it's seems it's just not good enough. This ds went back to public school in 8th grade so it isn't the homeschool issue with them.

[Kris]

(Any advice or comforting words?)

Yes -- congratulations on raising such a fine son who knows what he wants and goes for it!

[sdWTMer]

But who's to say that the people that he will meet at this college won't be really successful. To me, chance are he will meet much more loyal people at a smaller college than at an ivy league one! Congratulations on your decision. May you all be at peace with it.

[Blue Hen]

I concur; Congratulations on raising a son who knows what he wants, and what will meet his needs.

[Karin]

Your parents might want to read How to Get in Without Freaking Out (I think that's right) and the other one, the subtitle of which is 40 Colleges That Make a Difference (wish I could remember the name.) Ivy League Colleges are not always all they're cracked up to be.

[Kathy in MD]

the "best" schools and the importance of making contacts. It's easy for grandparents to be shut out of the decision process and not know why a small school was chosen. Instead all they hear is the superiority of the ivy league's from people outside the family. The grandparents are worried about the future career prospects for the next generation. And so they worry about their grandson's future.

And it sounds like they're upset for the right reasons - the gs's employment future. They aren't upset about the "status" and bragging rights.

So cut them some slack, and tell them why ds's choice is better for him and about the contacts he can make through his school. Often the opportunities are better in smaller schools because it's easier to access the profs and get non-classroom opportunities. :)

[Susan in IL]

One of the comments that my ds used was that none of the ivy's offer his major when people were "bragging" about getting into one of them. Those schools can have all the "connections" in the world but it still wasn't going to give my ds what he wanted. Bravo to your son to know what he wants. Your son is the one going to college, not your parents. And who is to say that he won't have even better opportunities. My ds (sophomore) is now working on a project for a faculty member that will most likely be published with only his name on it.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

and the other one, the subtitle of which is 40 Colleges That Make a Difference (wish I could remember the name.) Ivy League Colleges are not always all they're cracked up to be.


Looking Beyond the Ivy League and Colleges That Change Lives are by Loren Pope. I think that might be what you're trying to remember.

There's also a website (http://www.ctcl.com) for Colleges That Change Lives. They tour the country.

My ds wouldn't even apply to an Ivy after reading this book, though that's not the goal of the book. He had a decent chance of acceptance, but chose a small Midwest school instead. He could not be happier.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I think you are doing a great job! I hope my sons will do that as well.

I really do believe you can go almost anywhere and do very well. Dh and I went to a state school that didn't really have a great academic reputation. Dh double majored in physics and math earning as close to a 4.0 as you can get (one B in all of his classes in total). He went on to the top graduate school in his field also earning the top fellowship for incoming 1st year students. He is a great example of making the most of where you are and succeeding anyway.

Good for you and your son for a decision that is the best for him. I am sorry your extended family doesn't see things that way. But they are wrong (if I may be so bold!).

[Daisy]

I'm amazed that his grandparents care where he goes to school. I thought grandparents were cold milk and warm cookies, hugs and kisses? My grandparents could have cared less what I did with my life. Grandparents should be the ultimate in unconditional love, in my not so humble opinion. :(

Well, at least you'll know how to do it differently when it is your turn.

[GVA]

I went to state schools and ended up in scientific research and program management with scads of MIT, Cal Tech, and Ivy League grads. And guess what, I published just as many papers and did just as well as those who were still struggling with huge college loans from the Ivies. In my last full-time position there were two of us that were senior program managers. The other one was a Naval Academy grad with a PhD from MIT. I made more than he did because I had more experience in the specific area we were working in, and in the end we both got laid off during a Congressionally-mandated layoff on the basis of seniority. Where we went to school meant very little at that point...

[Karin]

Yes, this is it. I learned about it on the old highschool board. Thanks!

[Sandy in Indy]

It is really, really hard when family pressures your dc to make choices. Mine were appalled that dd even applied to a private school, and then tried to bribe her to live on campus. She nicely said no thank you to the bribe and had the last laugh when her scholarship and aid package allowed her to attend the private school at NO COST (whereas the public u would have put her in debt).

How much better that your ds knows his own mind and what HE wants in life!

[5wolfcubs]

Like the others have said, I think it is wonderful that your son researched colleges and has chosen something that suits him! I also wanted to say thanks for fixing the comment link on your blog (or maybe I was just missing it!) but it was there and I left a bunch of msgs today! :)

[JennifersLost]

I went to an Ivy League college - and I spent my entire school career up until then focused on that goal. I was ecstatic to get accepted at several Ivy League schools, but when I got there it was a bit different than I expected.

The snobbery was outrageous. I grew up in an upper-middle-class household - and grew up around a lot of people wealthier than I, but it was nothing compared to the wealth of many of the Ivy-goers. The spending, clothes, drugs, etc were far beyond my sophistication. There were certainly other people like me, but the snobbery and spending were hard to keep up with.

The education was great, but comparing notes with many other people over the years I don't think it was that much better than at your average state school. At the college level it's not so much about teachers - it's about you: what you decide to learn from your classes and the extra things you choose to do. A lot of people make absolutely fantastic connections among their faculty and student friends at "normal" colleges, too. And I think the connections you make at a small school might be much better than at one of the huge ivy league schools.

I would recommend going Ivy for people who knew their path was going to be politics - you could certainly make a lot of connections with deep pockets and learn an awful lot about how money rules the world behind the scenes. But for just about anyone else I would say save all that extra money, pick a state school, get your education and then invest in yourself by starting a business, getting a car, etc.

[Joanne]

My parents, that is. Aparently what is important in a college for them is different from what we and ds feel is important. This all came to light when they found out that a friend's son just got admitted to a prestigious ivy league school. Now they are worried about the friends and connections ds will make (or will not make) at his college.

Ds narrowed down a college based on his major, geographic location, and size. He had picky standards for what was important for him. He most likely will be attending a small Christian college with a good educational reputation which is about 4 hours away. Dh and I think it is a perfect fit. I know I shouldn't care what my parents think but it hurts. No matter how excited I am about my kids' future and accomplishments it's seems it's just not good enough. This ds went back to public school in 8th grade so it isn't the homeschool issue with them.

So? They are far removed from the decision making and "counting" from this nearly grown child.

I'd do this:

http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=28

With different wording, of course.

[Paz]

Thanks ladies for all the advice and kind comments.