Danestress
06-11-2008, 09:25 AM
I'm really having a hard time getting the right balance here.
We will finish of the school year Friday. Except the last few weeks have been almost totally non-school because of my father's accident. He has Alzheimer's (mild still) and fell in the home he shares with my Mom. He had surgery on the ankle. Because he can't remember not to step on the bad ankle, he's needed a lot of extra care, and is currently in a rehab facility. He's doing pretty well. His attitude is okay. He's been snide and condescending with me at times, but also reasonable at time, and seems cognitively pretty good, except that he insists he can get up and do things for himself, even though he inevitably puts weight on this ankle, which actually is still just splinted and wrapped (he get the hard cast tomorrow).
The facility is 35 minutes from my home. I've been going every day and staying for at least a couple of hours - usually more. Typically my mother goes for a few hours in the morning, and then I go for a few hours in the afternoon. She had been hiring a night nurse because when he wakes up and needs to use the bathroom, he tends to try to stand up. But I think he's okay now without a nurse. I can't tell you what it does to my stress level to see him put weight on that foot. The staff at the facility is just barely adequate. They can put an alarm on him that will ring if he tries to stand up, but the forget to put it on all the time. And if he rings for help to go to the bathroom, it often takes 15 minutes for a response. That makes me crazy, though I understand they have a lot to do. I also don't think the nurse's aides have any training in helping move him. Even when they come in and help him use a walker to get to the toilet, he puts pressure on that foot (he's just mentally not alert enough not to) and they seem to let him.
Anyway, I feel like I am going to die of stress. I'm barely holding my family together. My MIL is great to watch the kids for me, and I have hired sitters. my younger sister came down over the weekend, and I took a day off. My older sister came yesterday, and I didn't go yesterday either. But other than that, I feel like everyone expects me to go everyday.
In my family, if I were to say "I can't take this" they would all rally and say to stay home, it's okay, etc. I have a good family - two sisters who live out of town but want to help. But if I don't go, it adds to my mother's feeling of burden - that she will just stay all day because she won't want him alone those hours. I am taking a son to an out of town swim meet Friday night and will be gone over the weekend, so we will have a short visit before I go on Friday and then a short visit on Sunday, but other than that, my Mom is going to be alone with him over the weekend, and the weekends are the worst because the staff is sort of the "team B" at the center. I'm worried about her.
So anyway, I feel like I really need to help my mother before and after that trip. Then DH and I have had a trip planned to Chicago next week for just three nights. I'm ready to cancel it, but DH will be upset. He really wants me to go. I feel sooooo much pressure right now - I can't be in two modes "out of town" and "on duty with Dad." It's just overwhelming me. I feel like everyone needs me and I want to cry. I don't even care about going to Chicago. I'm afraid the plane will crash (I fly all the time, so I know that's just stress). But I feel I owe it to DH, who has been pretty patient about the lousy meals, messy house, and non-existant wife who has nothing to give him at the end of the day. DH loves me and is really supportive, so I'm not reporting major marriage problems - just saying why I sort of feel like I have to go.
Anyway, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to put in these hours to help my mother? Am I supposed to remind everyone that I am a homeschooling Mom and don't necessarily have the time they think I do? It's especially hard on the days my father is snide with me. He does thing thing where he rolls his eyes and acts like I am just an unreasonable, bossy, controlling woman - because I tell him not to stand up and to call an aide if he needs to use the bathroom. It's stirring up negative feelings I suppressed from my childhood - which was an okay childhood, really, but you know how there's always a little anger there? It's right at the surface now!
I know it's not permanent. In two months, his foot will be mostly healed - assuming he doesn't injure it worse by standing on it, and assuming he doesn't fall and break the OTHER foot. So do I just suck it up and deal with this, put the hours in and straighten my life out later? Or do I set some rules to protect my family life? Is that selfish?
Okay, I just spent 30 minutes writing this, and now I am thinking "so you want to avoid going to visit your Dad because your life is falling apart. Maybe you could have used that half hour for something like laundry!"
We will finish of the school year Friday. Except the last few weeks have been almost totally non-school because of my father's accident. He has Alzheimer's (mild still) and fell in the home he shares with my Mom. He had surgery on the ankle. Because he can't remember not to step on the bad ankle, he's needed a lot of extra care, and is currently in a rehab facility. He's doing pretty well. His attitude is okay. He's been snide and condescending with me at times, but also reasonable at time, and seems cognitively pretty good, except that he insists he can get up and do things for himself, even though he inevitably puts weight on this ankle, which actually is still just splinted and wrapped (he get the hard cast tomorrow).
The facility is 35 minutes from my home. I've been going every day and staying for at least a couple of hours - usually more. Typically my mother goes for a few hours in the morning, and then I go for a few hours in the afternoon. She had been hiring a night nurse because when he wakes up and needs to use the bathroom, he tends to try to stand up. But I think he's okay now without a nurse. I can't tell you what it does to my stress level to see him put weight on that foot. The staff at the facility is just barely adequate. They can put an alarm on him that will ring if he tries to stand up, but the forget to put it on all the time. And if he rings for help to go to the bathroom, it often takes 15 minutes for a response. That makes me crazy, though I understand they have a lot to do. I also don't think the nurse's aides have any training in helping move him. Even when they come in and help him use a walker to get to the toilet, he puts pressure on that foot (he's just mentally not alert enough not to) and they seem to let him.
Anyway, I feel like I am going to die of stress. I'm barely holding my family together. My MIL is great to watch the kids for me, and I have hired sitters. my younger sister came down over the weekend, and I took a day off. My older sister came yesterday, and I didn't go yesterday either. But other than that, I feel like everyone expects me to go everyday.
In my family, if I were to say "I can't take this" they would all rally and say to stay home, it's okay, etc. I have a good family - two sisters who live out of town but want to help. But if I don't go, it adds to my mother's feeling of burden - that she will just stay all day because she won't want him alone those hours. I am taking a son to an out of town swim meet Friday night and will be gone over the weekend, so we will have a short visit before I go on Friday and then a short visit on Sunday, but other than that, my Mom is going to be alone with him over the weekend, and the weekends are the worst because the staff is sort of the "team B" at the center. I'm worried about her.
So anyway, I feel like I really need to help my mother before and after that trip. Then DH and I have had a trip planned to Chicago next week for just three nights. I'm ready to cancel it, but DH will be upset. He really wants me to go. I feel sooooo much pressure right now - I can't be in two modes "out of town" and "on duty with Dad." It's just overwhelming me. I feel like everyone needs me and I want to cry. I don't even care about going to Chicago. I'm afraid the plane will crash (I fly all the time, so I know that's just stress). But I feel I owe it to DH, who has been pretty patient about the lousy meals, messy house, and non-existant wife who has nothing to give him at the end of the day. DH loves me and is really supportive, so I'm not reporting major marriage problems - just saying why I sort of feel like I have to go.
Anyway, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to put in these hours to help my mother? Am I supposed to remind everyone that I am a homeschooling Mom and don't necessarily have the time they think I do? It's especially hard on the days my father is snide with me. He does thing thing where he rolls his eyes and acts like I am just an unreasonable, bossy, controlling woman - because I tell him not to stand up and to call an aide if he needs to use the bathroom. It's stirring up negative feelings I suppressed from my childhood - which was an okay childhood, really, but you know how there's always a little anger there? It's right at the surface now!
I know it's not permanent. In two months, his foot will be mostly healed - assuming he doesn't injure it worse by standing on it, and assuming he doesn't fall and break the OTHER foot. So do I just suck it up and deal with this, put the hours in and straighten my life out later? Or do I set some rules to protect my family life? Is that selfish?
Okay, I just spent 30 minutes writing this, and now I am thinking "so you want to avoid going to visit your Dad because your life is falling apart. Maybe you could have used that half hour for something like laundry!"