My 3yo is driving us all crazy.

[Virginia Dawn]

He is a dictator wanna-be. He wants control over the entire world and every single itsy-bitsy thing in it. When he doesn't get exactly what he wants down to the minutest detail he moans, groans, wails and cries. So of course he moans, groans, wails and cries most of the day.

This is not about giving him choices. You could give him all the choices possible and he would deliberately choose the impossible.

This is not about not getting enough positive attention. He gets plenty of one-on-one mommy and daddy time, lots of hugs, kisses, and positive praise.

This is about control.

I am worn out from trying to be patient and trying not to over react.

Current example. Son wants a piece of toast. Mother puts bread in toaster. Son yells, "I wanted to do that." We have been through similar scenarios many, many (did I say MANY?) times so I restate the house rule that has become necessary to keep sanity. No do overs. Screaming and wailing commence. Mother ignores noise and butters toast when it pops. She hands one piece to older brother but puts 3yo's toast on the counter. 3yo, is seen mentally searching for something else to yell about. 3yo begins to scream, "pick me up!" Mother reminds 3yo to speak kindly and politely. 3yo wails and stamps feet while saying please. Mother reminds 3yo to speak kindly and politely and gives an example of what to say and how to say it. Repeat last 2 steps. Finally 3yo responds appropriately and is picked up. Mother hands 3yo toast. 3yo yells, "I don't want it!" and throws toast back on counter. Mother patiently acknowledges 3yo's decision and walks out of kitchen. 3yo commences to wail and scream and orders mother back in the kitchen to get his toast. Mother replies (softly) through clenched teeth that if 3yo wants the toast, he may go back into the kitchen when he chooses and get it. 3yo explodes. 3yo is now sitting on mother's bed cooling his heels.

Imagine similar occurances happening at least 3 times a day. :(

I'm at my wits end.

[Virginia Dawn]

Sorry about posting twice. I honestly don't know how that happened. Maybe when I press the browser's back button. Sigh.

[Virginia Dawn]

Now he is insisting that I have to warm his toast back up. Sigh.

[Andie]

:(My jaw and shoulders tensed up just reading your post. Too close to home. Eleanor is three months shy of three and sounds just like your little man. She's a screamer, though. The toast toss would have been replaced or accompanied by an *AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!* that can cause ear bleeding.

This too shall pass.


RIGHT?


:eek:

[JudoMom]

:(My jaw and shoulders tensed up just reading your post. Too close to home. Eleanor is three months shy of three and sounds just like your little man. She's a screamer, though. The toast toss would have been replaced or accompanied by an *AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!* that can cause ear bleeding.

This too shall pass.


RIGHT?


:eek:

Heh. When ds2 throws a tantrum at Judo, our Sensei cringes and says "boy, he hits just the right note, huh?".

I'm not even talking about ds2. I'm still wondering if he's trainable, or if he's destined to be spoiled by his brothers :eek:.

[Virginia Dawn]

Looks like I've picked up the habit. I do keep telling my self "this will pass." I don't know if I believe it yet.

[JudoMom]

The only thing I can tell you is that mine just turned 4 and I can see improvements over the last years. Day to day still can seem darn near impossible, but when I look back over the big picture I realize that consistency is working. There are things he used to do that he no longer does (of course, he replaces those with other things that wear me out, but he's proven he can learn).

(((Virginia Dawn)))

[Mx5]

He is a dictator wanna-be. He wants control over the entire world and every single itsy-bitsy thing in it. When he doesn't get exactly what he wants down to the minutest detail he moans, groans, wails and cries. So of course he moans, groans, wails and cries most of the day.

This is not about giving him choices. You could give him all the choices possible and he would deliberately choose the impossible.

This is not about not getting enough positive attention. He gets plenty of one-on-one mommy and daddy time, lots of hugs, kisses, and positive praise.

This is about control.

I am worn out from trying to be patient and trying not to over react.

Current example. Son wants a piece of toast. Mother puts bread in toaster. Son yells, "I wanted to do that." We have been through similar scenarios many, many (did I say MANY?) times so I restate the house rule that has become necessary to keep sanity. No do overs. Screaming and wailing commence. Mother ignores noise and butters toast when it pops. She hands one piece to older brother but puts 3yo's toast on the counter. 3yo, is seen mentally searching for something else to yell about. 3yo begins to scream, "pick me up!" Mother reminds 3yo to speak kindly and politely. 3yo wails and stamps feet while saying please. Mother reminds 3yo to speak kindly and politely and gives an example of what to say and how to say it. Repeat last 2 steps. Finally 3yo responds appropriately and is picked up. Mother hands 3yo toast. 3yo yells, "I don't want it!" and throws toast back on counter. Mother patiently acknowledges 3yo's decision and walks out of kitchen. 3yo commences to wail and scream and orders mother back in the kitchen to get his toast. Mother replies (softly) through clenched teeth that if 3yo wants the toast, he may go back into the kitchen when he chooses and get it. 3yo explodes. 3yo is now sitting on mother's bed cooling his heels.

Imagine similar occurances happening at least 3 times a day. :(

I'm at my wits end.

You're not being patient - you're being a doormat. Stop that, mom!

Sit him down and tell him things are going to change. Let him know that if his voice isn't as calm as yours is, he will be in his room with the door closed until he can gain the self control to be calm. Then be prepared to deposit his princely hiney in his room a bazillion times a day.

You need to put him there at the first infraction... the "I want to do that!" sassy tone would be the clue to get his bu# on the bed. Screaming & wailing? Mom picks up the prince and puts him in his room. Any screaming at mom results in being put in his room until he can speak as calmly as mom speaks.

Like I said, you'll do this a bazillion times in a day, but it's better than clenching your teeth and trying to ignore the behavior. Make his behavior cost him! Oh, and I am not beyond spanking for this kind of behavior, but I'm talking here about a swat on the bottom, not the whole spanking stick stuff.

[Mx5]

Looks like I've picked up the habit. I do keep telling my self "this will pass." I don't know if I believe it yet.

Nip it in the bud now.

Teen tantrums tend to be the silent treatment and eyeball rolling. Those, too, have serious consequences.

Yes it passes, but not without making us very tired!

[dirty ethel rackham]

Dawn,

You have my sympathies! I had one like this, only it was a 45 minute long blood curdling screaming tantrum. He would have 5 of these before noon every day. I tried every discipline method I could. I am not into spanking and I tried it on him. it just escalated things and did not improve one iota. Boy, that cured me of ever wanting to use spanking ever again. The only way we could handle it was to put him in his room, tell him that I loved him but i could not be around him with that screaming. On a calm day (meaning me being calm) I would then take my older son to the basement and we would pray for a while to calm our nerves. On a not so calm day (I was pregnant at the time so there really weren't many calm days) I would either lock myself in the bathroom and have a good cry or call dh beggin for him to find another wife and mother for this family because I was sure failing. Funny, his tantrums were less intense on weekends when dh was home (and he is a staunch no spanking parent.) He had so much more patience than I did, but he did not have to deal with them on his own.

As it turns out, ds has major auditory and sensory issues. I think this was a major factor in his intractibleness. He did come out of it around age four - to where he had only 3 or 4 tantrums a day and they were only a few minutes long. I never did give in to the tantrums, but I did try to head them off by learning what his triggers were. He was and is a child who always needed more ... more love, more firm but gentle boundaries, more understanding. After we sought therapy through NACD, he has been a different child. He is still intense, but is a happier and more pleasable kid.

I have to say that the worst part of that time was the judgment heaped on my by well-meaning family, friends, and acquaintances (and even strangers.) If I had a nickel for every time someone told me to spank that kid to shut him up or that I was "giving in", I'd be eating bon-bons and ordering around servants, LOL! The only reason I tried spanking was that I felt I had to try EVERYTHING and that I was feeling so low ,that I was such a useless parent.

Keep your chin up. You are in my prayers.

[KH_]

I have to say that the worst part of that time was the judgment heaped on my by well-meaning family, friends, and acquaintances (and even strangers.) If I had a nickel for every time someone told me to spank that kid to shut him up or that I was "giving in", I'd be eating bon-bons and ordering around servants, LOL! The only reason I tried spanking was that I felt I had to try EVERYTHING and that I was feeling so low ,that I was such a useless parent.



Boy, can I relate! When my ds was that age, we tried so many different things and nothing made any long-term improvements in his behavior. I was ready to run away from home because every day was such a battle (many days were all-out-war!). Spanking did not work - it only made him more angry and reactive. Ds does have some sensory issues that have gotten better over time, but his extremely strong-willed and contrary attitude is still there :rolleyes:

When he was about 4 1/2 I got the book "Transforming the Difficult Child." I'd read a lot of other books, but none of them had a real framework to work from, just suggestions and ideas on what to try (which we had already). This book has a whole system (token economy). It was hard to implement at first, but things could not go on the way they were, so I was willing to give it my best shot.

Long story short - it has worked very well. It teaches self control (which is very important for ds), and makes the system the "control" instead of just mom telling him not to do something.

The website has a book excerpt:
http://difficultchild.com/

[Adrianne]

I do have to say though that it sounds like you are letting him get the best of you. In our house, when the craziness (whining, crying, screaming) starts, up to your room you go. Until you calm down. This is not a punishment just a way for them to regain their thoughts (and me, my thoughts - as to not lose my temper). This really seems to work. When everyone calms down, we then talk about what happened and why - I know this is difficult with a 3yo- and how we should act. This part is usually accompanied by lots of hugs.

I have also found that once you engage the argument, they feel they can have control. My ds9 will argue with me about everything, even the answers in the teachers manual! Now, a look usually helps stop the behavior but severe attitudes can ensue. My sons have spent quite some time in their rooms until they calm down and their heart has changed.

Just remember that one day, with the right training, he might be president! It takes a strong man with a strong spirit to lead our country!

Have you ever read books by Dr. Sears and his wife Martha? I read his book about disciplining the high needs child and this has helped.

[Karin]

Well, there are a couple of approaches. My favourite one is to give a 3 year old a place to have his/her tantrum (a safe place) and to tell them to stay there until they're done. In my experience, and I have a LOT of experience with tantrums, this works with many children. It takes time. I got it from The Six Point Plan to Raising Happy Healthy Children. I don't agree with everything he writes, but that one and the one about attention I feel are gems. Your child must be put there there immediately upon argument--you cannot reason with a 3 yo who is acting like this, so I don't.

This method did NOT work with my eldest, however. If you, after a reasonable amount of time (say, a few weeks) find that this does not work, you may wish to read a book about strong willed children. If you're Christian, you might try the one by Dobson. The key thing is to out stubborn your most stubborn child and not argue with them. If your 3 yo is like mine, it takes years and years of work and I can only empathize with you and tell you that stubborn children well raised turn out to be very wonderful, steadfast adults--I can completely trust my 12 yo to obey all rules outdoors except the one about not fighting with her siblings. That's one I haven't conquered yet, but she's going through adolescence, so I give myself until she's ready to go to college to cover what she still has to learn to get through college.

[Paz]

The token economy suggestion may work. My dd is 15 now and has a wonderful personality. Your 3 yo sounds a lot like her at that age. She is polite, kind, a little quiet now, but she will NOT let others walk over her and will stand up for what is right. She works well with her peers but is not afraid of interacting with adults. If she has a goal in mind she will pursue it with a passion. This is very little of what we as parents did and a lot more about who she is personality-wise.

When she was little we seemed to always be using a chart system for behaviors. She loved this because she had control over how she acted and over putting the little stickers on the behaviors she mastered that day. Raising Your Spirited Child was a great book for us at the time. A funny part about that time in our lives that I just remembered now. Ds is 3 years older and always did the right thing, hardly ever got in trouble. He didn't think it was fair that dd got stickers for good behavior because he was good without us asking. We ended up giving him stickers just for being himself. LOL! My dd never knew this. Looking back this was little reward for growing up with a "difficult" sister. :)

[Meliss]

The little cutie pictured on your blog can scream like that!? Who'd u thunk it?

(((((I'm sorry to all the moms dealing with tantrums!)))))

[meandtheguys]

My 4YO, Walker, has been our greatest challenge thus far. While he is the sweetest and funniest child he is also the angriest and most demanding. It started at age 18 months and has continued to manifest itself in many, many ways.

Like with your child, it is about control and winning. No matter what the cost. I swear he has a score card hidden around here somewhere and the more he can make me lose my temper the more points he scores.
We are still very much in the trenches here, but are maybe starting to be able to poke our heads out from time to time. Here are some things that seem to work for us.

DIET: Cut out the sugar and junk food. ALL of it (even things like white bread, juice etc) for about a week and see what kind of difference that makes.

RULES: To be fair to everyone else in the house he has to follow the same rules as his brothers, no matter how much he screams and tries to make life miserable for me. And screaming=a trip to your room with NO toys (this usually leads to kicking, screaming and head banging from his room which we all do our best to ignore).

TABLE RULES: Eating is a HUGE issue with Walker (he goes on hunger strikes, his longest lasting 4 days). So our rule is, if you do not at least TASTE what is put in front of you, you will eat NOTHING else until you do. We do not make him sit at the table the entire time b/c that is just torture for the rest of us and these battles tend to anywhere from 12 to 96 hours (wish I were kidding), but the next time he is hungry he will have to taste that food before he gets anything else. (Example: Today Walker ate last night's supper as a late lunch and that was his first meal of the day, by his choice).

I would definitely describe this as tough love, and it is called that b/c it is tough both to give and to receive, but it is starting to work for us and we have tried everything else. Walker is starting to learn he is not the boss and there are consequences for his actions.

Every kid is different, but I hope at least this may give you some new ideas or a little bit of hope! Be strong and stick to your guns, sister! You are not alone!!

[Cadam]

Dawn,

You have my sympathies! I had one like this, only it was a 45 minute long blood curdling screaming tantrum. He would have 5 of these before noon every day. I tried every discipline method I could. I am not into spanking and I tried it on him. it just escalated things and did not improve one iota.
As it turns out, ds has major auditory and sensory issues. I think this was a major factor in his intractibleness. He did come out of it around age four - to where he had only 3 or 4 tantrums a day and they were only a few minutes long. I never did give in to the tantrums, but I did try to head them off by learning what his triggers were. He was and is a child who always needed more ... more love, more firm but gentle boundaries, more understanding. After we sought therapy through NACD, he has been a different child. He is still intense, but is a happier and more pleasable kid.

I have to say that the worst part of that time was the judgment heaped on my by well-meaning family, friends, and acquaintances


I have had this same experience, trying everything, stares and comments in public, tantrums lasting hours..... dd is getting therapy for sensory Processing disorder. We haven't gotten to the happy ending part yet but we are seeing improvement.

I know how it feels to be doing the best you can and still feeling like you are being driven insane. It is so, so, so hard.

[Julpost]

I have found that if I give her a warning to stop either the crying or whining along with what the consequence will be: either a swat on the bottom or a timeout in her bed usually quells the tantrum.

It calms me down too because it gives me a guideline and I know what to do next. If I don't do this, often she escalates the tantrum and I keep repeating myself over and over and over and over....before I just lose it!

I feel for ya! It is very, very hard!! Boy do I know it!

Something I keep in mind is how my other 3 older dc have so far turned out fairly good....so there's hope, this won't last forever!

Good luck! I have a 10 mo ds who I often wonder if he'll be next....or will he give his poor mama a break and be easy on me! :-)