prayer requests -fil dying, job situation, marital reconciliation.....

[Peek a Boo]

1. dh's dad is still fighting cancer and has been diagnosed w/ heart failure. dh took him home to San Antonio for goodbyes to family, and reports that his condition is deteriorating quickly. They should be back home Tuesday or Wednesday [june 10/11]. prayers for peace --this is hitting dh pretty hard.

2. dh's job is precarious. the aviation market is down.

3. our marriage has taken a huge step...backwards? forwards?.... we are getting a legal divorce to establish a legal separation [Texas doesn't really have a legal separation w/o incurring the costs in mediating a divorce]. we are doing it as quickly and uncontested as possible so we can move on to restoration and reconciliation. Since supporting 2 households will be difficult enough, DH would rather spend the money on the counselors than the courts [makes sense to me!]. But the decision has knocked some willingness to work on this into him, and he seems grateful for the wake up call. Combined w/ #'s 1 and 2 above, we are going to be hitting some major stress points all at once. Personal testimonies that I could share w/ dh would be much appreciated.

[Julie in CA]

Oh Peek, I'm so sorry!
I'll be praying for your family.
~Julie

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

1. dh's dad is still fighting cancer and has been diagnosed w/ heart failure. dh took him home to San Antonio for goodbyes to family, and reports that his condition is deteriorating quickly. They should be back home Tuesday or Wednesday [june 10/11]. prayers for peace --this is hitting dh pretty hard.

2. dh's job is precarious. the aviation market is down.

3. our marriage has taken a huge step...backwards? forwards?.... we are getting a legal divorce to establish a legal separation [Texas doesn't really have a legal separation w/o incurring the costs in mediating a divorce]. we are doing it as quickly and uncontested as possible so we can move on to restoration and reconciliation. Since supporting 2 households will be difficult enough, DH would rather spend the money on the counselors than the courts [makes sense to me!]. But the decision has knocked some willingness to work on this into him, and he seems grateful for the wake up call. Combined w/ #'s 1 and 2 above, we are going to be hitting some major stress points all at once. Personal testimonies that I could share w/ dh would be much appreciated.

No words, Amy. Oh, that's hard. {{{Amy}}}

I've no specific personal testimony to share except to say that I know for certain that even after no love is left, love can be kindled again.

Thinking of you and praying in my own feeble way.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Many, many prayers headed your way. :grouphug:

[Jami]

Wow, Amy. :grouphug: Lots of tough stuff for you guys to go through. :(

Make sure that you're talking to someone just for you, not just the marriage counseling. Even if you feel like you're coping pretty well during the stress, sometimes after things are calm and past, you find out that you've been waiting to fall apart. And do. I know I dealt with a couple years of major stresses and felt that I had a good handle on things in the midst, I had an excellent support system throughout. But once we were past the rough patches, I had a bit of a breakdown myself and it took me by surprise. So be preparing for that, have a system in place, be talking to a counselor who can help you see if you're past a breaking point.

:grouphug:

[Jenny in Atl]

:grouphug:

I wish I knew wonderful things to say...

[Once]

Praying for you Peek.

:grouphug:

[genie]

:grouphug: Thinking of you...

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

and thoughts. Having met you only briefly IRL I got the impression that you possess enough "grit" to push through this. Anyhow, I know many on this board will be sending you virtual:grouphug: including me as you get through this.

K

[sleepy]

Hard times, Peek. :sad:
:grouphug:

[EarleneW]

I haven't been posting here long, but many prayers coming your way. Just be prepared to support your DH with his father. Both of my parents have passed away while we have been married and it is extremly difficult. It's still difficult. I'm sorry you are going through all this.....especially all at once.

[jmgconner]

(((Peek))) :grouphug:

[Ellie]

:grouphug:

I'm so sorry, honey girl. I'll sure be praying for everything.

If you need a place to stay, you know where to find me :-)

[Kinsa]

My goodness, I had no idea all this was going on. Where have I been? :confused:

I will certainly keep you in my prayers.

[Carol in Cal.]

but warning bells are going off in my head, big time, about the 'legal divorce, uncontested'.

Have you ever read "From Housewife to Heretic?" by Sonja Johnson? In that autobiography, her DH convinces her that he wants to have a stronger relationship so that they should go ahead and get a divorce 'in name only' so as to have the space to work on it freely. She was relieved and happy that he was taking the lead in figuring out how to help their relationship for once, and very optimistic. And, once they get the divorce it turns out that this was more a ploy, and that he wanted out, totally.

Anyway, I really, really hope that you're careful with this, and that my fears are just incredibly stupid and inappropriate.

[reservejagmom]

:iagree: with Carol in CA! :grouphug: and please be careful!

Carol

[Mamagistra]

Oh (((Peek)))...I have no idea what to say except that I will pray fervently. :grouphug:

[Kay in Cal]

Oh, Peek... I'm so sorry to hear all this. I will definately keep you in my prayers. Make sure you take care of yourself.

My only other advice would be to make sure you have a good lawyer helping you out as you make decisions that might have long-term repurcussions.

We'll be here for support and de-briefing whenever you need.:grouphug:

[*anj*]

I don't know what to say either, Sweetie. Just know that I'll be praying for you. So much to deal with all at once...when it rains, it pours, doesn't it?
http://209.85.48.9/10222/92/emo/hug.gif

[Elaine]

Awww, Peek, you poor thing. All of this going on and you still find the time to be funny and sweet here. Praying for you.:grouphug:

[Danestress]

to ask how things are going with your FIL. My father has been kind of a mess and is in a rehab center (because he had surgery on his ankle and because of his dementia, he can't remember not to step on it). Some part of me just wanted to talk to someone else who is dealing with an aging parent.

I'm really sorry that his situation has gotten worse so quickly. Honestly, the hardest year in my marriage was the year DH's father died. It was incredibly hard on DH. I still have both parents, so I am not sure I really understood what DH was going through. I mean, I sympathized and I thought I understood, but it's been 8 years and DH is still in some grief, and I guess I didn't recognize how intense that could be for a man. They LOOK so strong. Dh also had a major, unwanted career change the year his DH died. It felt like a failure to him at the time, though in retrospect it was a good thing.

As for the divorce part, I used to practice family law, and DH still does. Everyday we have professional exposure to how hard divorce can be on people. I have a great deal of sympathy for you. It's just really hard. Please please please make sure you are getting good, private (ie, you alone) legal advice as you do this. Even just have one consultation to make sure you run it past an attorney. Please.

Many prayers headed your way. Cast your cares upon the Lord, and he will protect your heart and mind. Dana

[Amy in Orlando]

Good advice from Danestress. I'm so sorry you've hit such a rough spot. You guys will be in my prayers. ((()))

[chiguirre]

I've read this thread twice and the first time I was too chicken to say anything, but IMHO, getting divorced to get back together seems a bit off. Unless there are very solid financial reasons (like qualifying for the Texas CHIP or food stamps or ???) to be legally divorced, I would be very wary.

I hope everything works out for your family and that you are in a better place soon!

[Rebel]

I'm so sorry and will definitely keep you in my thoughts. However, I too am confused about getting a divorce in order to reconcile.

[Jackie in AR]

(((Peek)))

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

[3lilreds in NC]

(((Peek))), I'm so sorry. What an awful lot to handle all at once.

I posted about this a bit under nestof3's marriage thread. My dh and I are living proof that God can change people and restore marriages. About 4 years ago, I was on the verge of leaving. If I'd had a job then, I would have left. Our marriage had never been easy, or particularly fun, but I thought dh was doing his best. I found out that, in fact, he was not.

It got to the point that I told him I was leaving (who needed a job - I had a credit card). I was going to take my girls and get the heck out of Dodge because I saw no reason whatsoever to stay. I'd been trying for 9 years to make him see that things were not right, and he simply didn't care, as far as I could tell. (The funny part was, during one of the conversations during our restoration process, he told me that he really had thought everything was fine all those years. Not sure what planet he was living on, but "things" were not "fine.")

God told me I did not have permission to leave. I thought it was cruel of God to tell me I had to stay when I hurt so badly, but I decided that if God said I could not go then I should probably stay. The thought of what it would do to my girls was a strong deterrent too.

Anyhoo, we got into a Bible study at our church called Marriage Matters. In fact, we did the same semester twice (apparently there are 3 different semesters; I didn't know and we repeated the first one). I am not sure what happened, but dh did a 180. He seemed to finally be able to see his destructive behavior. And, he just... stopped. There is no explanation other than God. (Hopefully I changed too. I am not saying it was all dh's fault, although it certainly felt that way to me at the time, LOL.)

Looking back, I am so glad I stayed. You hear all the time that marriage is hard work, right? Well, the hard work comes in staying together and working through the cr@p when all you want to do is walk away. I never thought we would be able to be happy together, but we are. If I had left, I don't think it would have worked out this way. Staying shows commitment to working things out.

I would caution you against the divorce. I really would. Is there any reason why he can't just move out while you get counseling? I can understand the need for separation, but if you really intend to stay together, I think the divorce is a mistake. Why do you need legal separation? Why not just live apart? There are lots of legal reasons NOT to divorce (like some others have mentioned), but honestly, the bottom line is that once you are divorced, you're divorced, and it's going to be a lot easier to walk away forever if you come up against issues that are excruciatingly painful. It seems much easier, seems to make ever so much more sense, just to be done with the whole mess.

I hope that's the kind of testimony you're looking for. I'll be praying for you. I know how much it hurts where you are. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[kalanamak]

Oh geez. I don't have much magic to offer but something simple: Tend to the little things, and if the big things haunt you, take 3 long slow deep sighs. Sometimes I've coped with major stress by looking back on other bad things and realizing I got through them (currently, I fondle my mother's quilt and miss her for this distraction).
arghhhh

[nestof3]

I will definitely pray. I guess I am confused about # 3 because I just don't understand why the divorce if your husband's intentions are to work on your marriage? Can't this be done while staying married? I'm just feeling strange about this. I'm sorry if I missed any posts asking for prayer for your marriage before.

[Lisa at Home]

:grouphug:

You'll be lifted up.

~Lisa

[Pencil Pusher]

Peek,

I imagine the issues in your marriage have been a long-time coming, & the other two issues are separate.

BUT...I thought it might...be helpful?...to hear about when my dad died. There was a lot of emotional baggage, & his death was unexpected, etc., but the result was that I was...I don't know...like a shell. For a long time. I'd heard that grieving takes a year, so I figured I'd wait a yr & reassess.

After about 8 or 9 mos...maybe longer, I really can't remember, dh told me he wanted us to go for marriage counseling. I was blown away. I had *NO* idea we were having any problems. At all. After talking, though, he finally said that I just hadn't been the same since my dad died.

Well...that would be *me* counseling, not marriage counseling...right? Basically, he said. He just didn't want me to feel bad about it. But it *was* effecting our relationship, even though I couldn't see it.

Anyway, I guess my point is...w/ everything else you guys have going on...I just hope the divorce doesn't add to it. I wonder...if y'all could hang on through fil's passing & dh's job situation...could you come back to the marriage/divorce issues a little bit later, when *they* can be the focus, instead of everything else?

I just know that if something had happened between dh & me during the loss of my dad, it would have been too easy to give up. As it was, I could barely hang on. I really didn't want to live at all, except that looking at him & our dc, I couldn't do to them what my dad had done to me (basically choosing to give up & die). But really, anything extra, any excuse, would have pushed me over the edge.

:grouphug: Whatever happens, whatever you decide, if I can be there for you, please let me know. PM or email, & I'll do whatever I can.

[gardenschooler]

Lots of prayers headed your way. A virtual storm of them. {{{{Amy}}}}

[astrid]

So sorry, Peek. Please know that we're holding you all close in thougths and prayers. The sun will come out!

Warmly,
Astrid

[WTMindy]

Holy cow, Peek!!! I don't know if I missed the signs, but this feels like a huge surprise. I'm soooo sorry about all the things you are going through and you can rest assured that you have my prayers. I do not understand the getting divorced to work on the marriage thing at all. :grouphug: Know that we love you here and will pray for you and support you through all these things!

[Robin in Tx]

Peek, please explain something you said:

Since supporting 2 households will be difficult enough, DH would rather spend the money on the counselors than the courts [makes sense to me!].

Divorce still costs money, even if it's uncontested. If you really are trying to work towards reconciliation, I don't see why the divorce at all. Just spend the money on the counselors. Is there a reason why your separation needs to be "legal"? Even in Texas you have to be separated so many days before you can file for a divorce (90, I think?). Are you worried that you won't get the financial support you need from him unless it is mandated by court?

I hate to sound cold hearted, but will your husband be receiving an inheritance upon his dad's death? If your husband can get the divorce processed before his dad dies, he won't have to share his inheritance with you. I think you need your own attorney, to be honest. If you can't afford it, see if you can find someone to give you initial advice pro bono. Just be very, very careful that you and your children are financially taken care of before you agree to anything (especially something that seems rushed).

((Amy)) I am so sorry that you are going through these difficult times, all at once! I hope everything works out well and soon.

Robin

[Laura K (NC)]

Praying that each one of you see God's will as clearly as possible through all the tears.

[cowgirl]

I'm new fairly new here also, but you have already given me a boost of confidence I needed when I didn't think I had the courage to stand up for something I believed in. Your post has touched my heart, and know that you will be lifted up in prayer!

[Amy loves Bud]

Peek, you have always been such an encouragement here on the boards. I hope you will find that same encouragement here now. I'm praying for you and your family. :grouphug:

[Liz CA]

Holy cow, Peek!!! I don't know if I missed the signs, but this feels like a huge surprise. I'm soooo sorry about all the things you are going through and you can rest assured that you have my prayers. I do not understand the getting divorced to work on the marriage thing at all. :grouphug: Know that we love you here and will pray for you and support you through all these things!

nt

[Mrs Mungo]

Lots of thoughts headed your way. I'm sorry you're going through this. :grouphug:

[Dana in OR]

I will keep you and your family in prayer. Better times are ahead.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Ugh, Amy. There is nothing I can add to the wisdom you've received here already, but I just want to give you one more (((hug))), and lift my prayers for you as well.
Suzanne

[Quiver0f10]

:grouphug: You will be in my prayers.

[Soph the vet]

Peek, I am so sorry you are going through all this.
Two thoughts. I lost my dad 14 years ago to a tragic accident and I still grieve at times. Sometimes grief is steady and intense and then years later you can be hit by it out of the blue for a short time.

As for the divorce, I am with the others who are confused as to why divorce in order to reconcile? I understand that you are a believer from your posts, I am assuming that your dh is too, but again that is an assumption. One thing to consider. Marriage is a reflection of the relationship between Jesus and the church. Jesus would never divorce the church, instead He died for her. So when marriages break up it is "presenting a lie to the world" as John Piper would say because Jesus will never divorce His church. Now, I know there are provisions for divorce in Scripture and maybe you are in that situation. All I am saying is consider Scripture when you are making these oh so difficult decisions.
I will be praying for you.:grouphug:

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug:

It will be hard to find a way through all of this, but I'm sure you will find a way. I don't exactly understand the divorce to get back together thing, but I hope and pray it all works out.

[Peek a Boo]

Thanks everyone--

the legal divorce is to establish some parameters needed to keep at bay some Very Serious control issues both financially and w/in the household [that yeah, have been going on for the last, oh, 14 years]. There are a host of reasons why, including physical safety, removal of guns from the home, verbal and emotional abuse, and manipulation of finances. The legal separation/divorce is at my insistence. [and in TX, you *don't* have to be separated 90 days --that's just one option. but it will take time to become final.] Honestly gals, this has been a looong time coming, and I've taken it up w/ people here IRL, i just haven't brought it all online till now ;) But since I know y'all are more than virtual i still feel a bit accountable to let you know what's going..... kwim?

and Soph I do understand about "presenting a lie" --but as you pointed out, if the marriage is broken --there is no loving your wife as Christ loved the church [or vice versa]-- that too is a lie. And one just as obvious to those around you. Previous attempts for restoring what God intended have been futile [due to above mentioned issues]. We are NOT w/in the Biblical provisions for divorce [not that i believe, anyway], but Texas does not have a legal separation to protect the family financially while we go through this. we've brainstormed and brainstormed and sought counsel on different ways to handle this. Neither of us is considering this a Real divorce --it is just a legal piece of paper and what God has joined, no man [or court] can tear apart. Even if the courts declare it torn apart. We are going to die [legally] for this marriage.

yes, I have an attorney, and yes, we are receiving a lot of counsel [both legal and Christian] on this.

Danestress: as for his dad -- we too are hitting the dementia stage it appears. This is absolutely going to be tough on dh, and he has already admitted that he's not handling this as well as he thought he could. he lost his mom to cancer about 20 years ago. We are doing what we can to support each other through this transition. we are actually considering his inheritance [paltry as it will be] to help sustain *him* through this --i am honestly not concerned about it [and I did consider that --'as coldhearted as it may be'-- before making this move].

thanks for the hugs gals!

[WTMindy]

Please keep us updated on the progress and I will pray that God works a miracle in your lives and your marriage!!!

[Kelli in TN]

There are a host of reasons why, including physical safety, removal of guns from the home, verbal and emotional abuse, and manipulation of finances. !

I am so sorry. I will pray that this is resolved in the way that is healthiest for your family.

[Karenciavo]

{{{Amy}}} I have no wisdom to share, but I will pray for you all.

[Robin in Tx]

((Amy)) I'm so sorrry. It sounds like this is much tougher and more complicated than any of us can imagine.

Hey, you do know that during your wait period (which I incorrectly thought was 90 days... it's 60), you can get temporary orders, right? Of course your attorneys know that...

I'm wishing you the best, Amy, and much peace during this tough time. Thank you for letting us know. You have many friends here who want to love and support you.

Robin

[Liz CA]

Please keep us updated on the progress and I will pray that God works a miracle in your lives and your marriage!!!

nt

[Alexandra]

may I suggest a wonderful website...It is called mywayout. If your dh is having trouble with anger (the verbal and emotional abuse comment made me think of this), he would find so much help from giving up alchohol (if he drinks -obviously).
I consider the website to be lifechanging - and I don't throw that word around alot.
I really hope that you and your husband can work this out. Sending good thoughts your way.

[Alenee]

Peek, I'll be praying. Dh's dad died in our first year of marriage, followed by both his paternal and maternal grandfathers in that same year. The next four years were the hardest years of our life. We both strayed in many ways. We also considered divorce but God was faithful and brought us to a deeper love for each other than we ever thought possible.

:grouphug:

[chiguirre]

I'm so relieved that you've looked into all your legal rights. You've got a good head on your shoulders and you WILL get through these hard times.

[Fourmother]

(((Peek a Boo))) I'm very sorry for your troubles. You have always impressed me as a person with remarkable fortitude. I feel certain that you and your family will make it through this crisis period. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Joanne]

the legal divorce is to establish some parameters needed to keep at bay some Very Serious control issues both financially and w/in the household [that yeah, have been going on for the last, oh, 14 years]. There are a host of reasons why, including physical safety, removal of guns from the home, verbal and emotional abuse, and manipulation of finances. The legal separation/divorce is at my insistence. [and in TX, you *don't* have to be separated 90 days --that's just one option. but it will take time to become final.] Honestly gals, this has been a looong time coming, and I've taken it up w/ people here IRL, i just haven't brought it all online till now But since I know y'all are more than virtual i still feel a bit accountable to let you know what's going..... kwim?

Peek,

As you know, I have BTDT in many ways. It's my prayer and hope that your marriage is changed to a vibrancy and health that is beyond anything you've ever experienced.

In the meantime, there *are* some boundaries - emotional, legal, financial, etc that need to be put in place. If you haven't already begun to learn the dynamic of family violence (and that dynamic exists in the presence of verbal/emotional/financial abuse even if you've never been "hit"), please do. 3 years later, I'm still suprised and weary from that dynamic.

Go to a Next Step Divorce class. They often have corresponding ones for children. It is Christian but non denominational.

Check out Divorcecare.org.

I am in Katy; and more than willing to be a phone or in person support. I am *not* pro-divorce. I'm pro healthy relationships. If you haven't already begun to make decisions on framing this for the kids and want feedback, let me know.

I'll happily offer my home, phone, time and care for you, my cyber friend and Texas neighbor.

{{{Many loving, tender hugs}}}

PS: One more piece of advice; limit who you talk to about the details of the marital breakdown. Pick a couple of people to be completely honest with and give the rest platitudes.

[Camy]

Oh ((((Peek))))

Praying for you, dh, and the children.

May the Lord give you peace in these difficult times.

Camy

[Soph the vet]

I'm sorry, Peek. I only brought up the Scripture thing as it had not been brought out in previous posts. It is obviously more complicated than I can imagine. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this, really.
Soph

[Amy in NH]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know firsthand how difficult it is. I am glad that you are seeking counsel (legal & otherwise). I hope you will be careful about what you give up to secure your uncontested divorce. I walked away from a lot because I only wanted my kids. Well, he came back and got more of them than I ever wanted to give up, and I was still left without what I walked away from. And I don't think it was because he really wanted them, but because he wanted to hurt me.

Just be careful.

I hope you can work it out.

[Elm in NJ]

I am so sorry about what you are going through. The whole family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Elmeryl

[Carol in Cal.]

I am consoled by your words and preparation.

Have to warn you about something else, now, though.

Making this big of a move leaves you vulnerable to very unpredictable stuff, more so than you might imagine from being inside of the situation right now.

For instance, not that this applies to you at all, but, I know someone quite well who had a very unhappy marriage. No communication, no love, very unappreciated on both sides, lots of bickering pretty much all the time, working opposite shifts, 3 little kids in daycare. The schedule was that he worked first shift and she worked second, and so the kids were in daycare from right before she went to work to right when he got home from work every day. She had them every morning and he had them every evening, and she worked a lot of Sundays and holidays and he worked a lot of Saturdays. No drinking or drugs, but lots and lots of passive aggression. No real relating at all. Anyway, pretty much in anger and frustration she decided that she wanted a divorce. She kind of thought that things would go on more or less as before, but that he would feel rejected and hurt and kind of be a little chastened by the whole thing.

Well, this is not how it worked out. He did not continue to watch the children on the same schedule as before, he did not feel all that bad for very long, and he basically went on with his life. He spent a lot of time with the kids but he stopped picking them up from daycare every single day or covering every single time she was offered overtime at the last minute. He went to a divorce group for 2 years and did have some difficulties, but he did not stay in the schedule or situation that they had had before. She ended up with more stress, not less, when all was said and done. And since this was a stress-driven divorce, it seemed like a real waste to me and was bad for the children for sure.

I tell this story not to dump on you, or add to the stress that you already feel. It is not exactly applicable to you--you seem to have specific difficulties that are much worse than this other situation which had devolved to dislike but not any personal or substance abuse--just incompatibility. But, my point is, once you take as drastic an action as a divorce, things get extremely unpredictable. It gives your H the opportunity to walk very easily, and gives him a weapon that if I were you I am not sure I would want to place in his hands--the weapon that he really can walk, with almost complete legal immunity, pending subsequent filing for child support and such. I'm not saying that you're doing the wrong thing, but just that considering the worst case you can think of, thinking outside of the box, would be a good move as you decide what to do next.

Best to you, Peek. Very tough situation; I'm really sorry.

[Peek a Boo]

again, thanks everyone. I will reassure you that there are no drugs or alcohol involved [tho Joanne you are on the money w/ how helpful those options are --we are lining some up :)], and I really do appreciate all the concern and warning -don't apologize for bringing things up, cuz you never know when we just might have missed something. i can absolutely take what fits and discard --or file away for later-- the rest. and Soph --never apologize for bringing up scripture :D

temporary orders: yes, we can get these, and they are pretty much the same as a legal separation [still married, legal boundaries], but you still have to file for divorce and they are only in force as long as the divorce is being $mediated$ --which means it would be a long drawn out costly option. Back to dh saying he'd rather do this quickly and put the money towards counselors ASAP.

and carol, again, you are right: i did [do] this knowing i had to be prepared for the worst and ready to work for the best. i praise God that I have a superb IRL support group that is already committed to helping out in numerous ways.

As it stands right now, dh is supportive of me still staying home w/ the kids and in the house. As long as his job situation holds out somehow [he has a few things lined up] then i shouldn't have to look for work outside the home, altho i probably will for backup.

[Tutor]

My goodness! I am so sorry your family is going through this. I wish I had something more to offer, but my imperfect prayers will have to do. May you be given the strength to mourn and yell and doubt accompanied by a peace and contentment that surpasses understanding.