How do you limit/control internet usage by your dc?

[Jackie in NE]

My dd, 13 yrs old has had pretty free rein on the internet. Well that is, within reason. We have discussed internet safety several times, and went to a presentation put on by the local ps, which was really very well-done. Her computer is right in the middle of traffic.... I walk by her often while she is on-line. She mostly listens to Christian music, visits a forum about raising sheep, emails her friends, and participates in a Christian web-site/forum which is frequented by her friends in her online class. (all Christians her age)

Yesterday, in discussing her flock of sheep, I learned that she has emailed *through private email* a man about buying some sheep. I had no idea she was doing this. I thought everything was anonymous, and through the forum. She is 13. She is naive. Despite the discussions about internet safety, she thinks everyone is like her. She didn't make the connection between private emailing and unsafe behavior.

My husband would like to take away her computer for the summer. I think that is too extreme. We live in a very remote location, and she often emails her friends to stay "connected". I'm not sure what to do....

What would YOU do?

Thanks for any suggestions,

Jackie

[Sue in MD]

I was just having this conversation today with a friend as our children are entering teens. Right now, my son has a separate login on our computer and I am sent activity reports of the websites, and emails. I don't think this would have helped in your situation so I'm anxious to see what suggestions are offered.

[Chris in VA]

If there was no defiance and it was simply naivete, I would not punish her at all. We use Safe Eyes, an external monitoring system that allows us to block content, set time limits, block certain websites, etc. I'd go ahead and put one of those types of limiting filters on your computer, but I'd also tell her you need all her passwords, and that you will now be checking to see who she is emailing from time to time. It doesn't seem to me that she was deliberately doing anything wrong; it seems like she just didn't realize what she did was in your danger zone.

Be sure to tell her not to post her private info on places like facebook or myspace, too. Although she may not have those now, set the rules in place before she asks to.

[Cedarmom]

The rule for us is no private,instant or e-mail to someone you don't know in real life, unless you have permisssion from a parent. Since she was not disobeying you, I would just go over safety procedures, give her the above rule, and continue doing what you have been doing. That is, if you feel like she is listening to you, if you have any idea that she is ignoring your limits, then , yes I would take away the internet for a time, until she exhibits responsiblility.

[whisperam]

I would get a Interent safety program that you can load on your computer or sign up for. You can limit or restrict such things as im-ing, emailing and certain sites. You can't be too safe!

[PariSarah]

If there was no defiance and it was simply naivete, I would not punish her at all. We use Safe Eyes, an external monitoring system that allows us to block content, set time limits, block certain websites, etc. I'd go ahead and put one of those types of limiting filters on your computer, but I'd also tell her you need all her passwords, and that you will now be checking to see who she is emailing from time to time. It doesn't seem to me that she was deliberately doing anything wrong; it seems like she just didn't realize what she did was in your danger zone.

Be sure to tell her not to post her private info on places like facebook or myspace, too. Although she may not have those now, set the rules in place before she asks to.

.. . . intentional disobedience or "culpable ignorance." (As in, I didn't specifically tell you not to kick your brother, but I did tell you not to hit, so it counts.)

I think a "shepherding" approach would be better than a loss-of-privileges approach for the moment. Maybe, she can only email or surf when you're available to be in the room with her, or she can only send emails after you've approved them, or some such.

My approach with internet usage has been that ds can surf approved sites, while I'm in the room. I haven't allowed email yet, but he's only ten, and he doesn't have any friends he can't say hi to by yelling out the front window.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I limit their computer time by spending too much time on it myself. It's a thankless job, but somebody has to do it.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, I'll be the dissenting vote then....

Ignorance still has consequences in real life. She is 13 and been through a safety seminar. Being naive could have cost her her innocense, even her life! She has GOT to learn to think through things as you can't POSSIBLY make a rule for every single thing she is going to come across.

Because it is the only time you know about and it was naivete, not defiance, I would make the restriction short and during that time make sure that y'all discuss some other situations you can think of (or better, have HER think of them and their solutions). Also, make sure she understands that "if in doubt, ask a parent" is a VERY wise rule of thumb.

Again, this isn't about punishing her, but there are consequences to choices and mistakes. Just because your 5yo didn't MEAN to spill the milk doesn't mean he doesn't have to clean it up, right? Same here. Thankfully mom found out so SHE could mete out the logical consequence rather than the possibility of a horrible (un)natural consequence of this world.

I hope this makes a little sense. Again, I'd make it short, but I'd definitely cut her off for a short time then follow it up with checking regularly.

Oh, and she's not getting any sheep from that guy, right? Don't reinforce accidentally!

[H.S. Burrow]

I would also say that the need for passwords/logins was to *see* who was sending her emails and so that *you* can read any from unfamiliar persons to determine if the "innocent" questions are really innocent. I would emphasize that you are NOT trying to snoop/invade privacy, but that (and reference anything mentioned in the police presentation that helps) you are an adult and can see where an innocent question might be leading.

I mean, something like: Are you showing at the_____? How early should I be there if I also want to show?

And tell her how these seemingly innocent questions (But Mom, they just need my help to know how early to be there?) Can lead to other questions (as trust is built) of how should I dress and/or fix my hair? (AND this would be where it can get scary, because most kids will say something like "I'll be wearing_____________"!!!)

Can you tell I'm paranoid? I would rather my dc think I am nuts than have them harmed.

[Jackie in NE]

Well, I'll be the dissenting vote then....

Ignorance still has consequences in real life. She is 13 and been through a safety seminar. Being naive could have cost her her innocense, even her life! She has GOT to learn to think through things as you can't POSSIBLY make a rule for every single thing she is going to come across.

Because it is the only time you know about and it was naivete, not defiance, I would make the restriction short and during that time make sure that y'all discuss some other situations you can think of (or better, have HER think of them and their solutions). Also, make sure she understands that "if in doubt, ask a parent" is a VERY wise rule of thumb.

Again, this isn't about punishing her, but there are consequences to choices and mistakes. Just because your 5yo didn't MEAN to spill the milk doesn't mean he doesn't have to clean it up, right? Same here. Thankfully mom found out so SHE could mete out the logical consequence rather than the possibility of a horrible (un)natural consequence of this world.

I hope this makes a little sense. Again, I'd make it short, but I'd definitely cut her off for a short time then follow it up with checking regularly.

Oh, and she's not getting any sheep from that guy, right? Don't reinforce accidentally!

NO! She isn't getting any sheep from him. I told her to email him one last time, telling him "no, thank-you", and then to never communicate with him again. Her eyes got very big when I reminded her that she has no idea who he is.... that he might just be "acting" like a nice person, when in reality, he has bad intentions, and is dangerous. She is adequately afraid, I think. I like your suggestions. You're right...... I can't possibly anticipate every situation, and she DOES need to think for herself.... I also like Cedarmom's rule that our dc do not email anyone they don't know in real life. I think that is a very clear boundary.

I truly do not believe she is being defiant in any way. I think this is 100% naivete. I guess I just need to "parent" her more. I need to check more often. I need to talk to her about her internet usage. I need to ask her more questions about what she's doing in order to get her to think about what she's doing.

Thanks to all for helping me think this through,

Jackie

[Jackie in NE]

I would also say that the need for passwords/logins was to *see* who was sending her emails and so that *you* can read any from unfamiliar persons to determine if the "innocent" questions are really innocent. I would emphasize that you are NOT trying to snoop/invade privacy, but that (and reference anything mentioned in the police presentation that helps) you are an adult and can see where an innocent question might be leading.

I mean, something like: Are you showing at the_____? How early should I be there if I also want to show?

And tell her how these seemingly innocent questions (But Mom, they just need my help to know how early to be there?) Can lead to other questions (as trust is built) of how should I dress and/or fix my hair? (AND this would be where it can get scary, because most kids will say something like "I'll be wearing_____________"!!!)

Can you tell I'm paranoid? I would rather my dc think I am nuts than have them harmed.



No, Tracy, unfortunately you are NOT paranoid. There are actually people out there trying to get us (our children). It makes me so very sad.

Thanks for your suggestions. They're good ones.

Jackie

[Karenciavo]

I limit their computer time by spending too much time on it myself. It's a thankless job, but somebody has to do it.

Hey, you stole my line. :glare:

;)

[kpupg]

Well, you've received good advice on the discipline/education issue of your particular situation, so I won't address that.

FOr our family, we approach security this way:
1. Only a family email addy. I see all email for everyone. No one has a right to email privacy and they know it. Also, no instant messaging or anything of that ilk. If something is so urgent, they can use the telephone -- oh, they don't know the number, must not be so very urgent after all (this works in both directions).
2. Password protection on the computers. The kids are very limited in what they can do without DH or me physically logging them in and knowing what they're up to.
3. Education -- talks on internet safety -- on a repeating basis. This includes harping on "never tell someone your name/etc." and suchlike.
4. Any online games have security features set to my specifications. The kids know if I ever find they've changed it, that's the end of that game forever. They are allowed to communicate with in-game friends, but I play all the same games also and keep tabs on such things.
5. The kids are not allowed to use online forums, facebook, or suchlike. If they want socializing, they can go find one of their IRL friends.
6. Only family computers. We have two, and they are in the family "computer room." DH has a laptop he uses for work only. No one else in this family will ever be allowed to have a computer in the privacy of their own bedroom.

So far this has worked for us. I hope that I set a decent example for them, too. I'm on the computer for far too much time each day, but a lot of that time is places like this forum, where I am exploring and researching home schooling -- there is a task focus, not just socializing. KWIM?

Prayers for you and dd,
Karen

[Sue in MD]

Any recommendations on programs other than Safe Eyes that we could check out -- just so we can know what options are out there?

[Melissa in CA]

FOr our family, we approach security this way:
1. Only a family email addy. I see all email for everyone. No one has a right to email privacy and they know it. Also, no instant messaging or anything of that ilk. If something is so urgent, they can use the telephone -- oh, they don't know the number, must not be so very urgent after all (this works in both directions).
2. Password protection on the computers. The kids are very limited in what they can do without DH or me physically logging them in and knowing what they're up to.
3. Education -- talks on internet safety -- on a repeating basis. This includes harping on "never tell someone your name/etc." and suchlike.
4. Any online games have security features set to my specifications. The kids know if I ever find they've changed it, that's the end of that game forever. They are allowed to communicate with in-game friends, but I play all the same games also and keep tabs on such things.
5. The kids are not allowed to use online forums, facebook, or suchlike. If they want socializing, they can go find one of their IRL friends.
6. Only family computers. We have two, and they are in the family "computer room." DH has a laptop he uses for work only. No one else in this family will ever be allowed to have a computer in the privacy of their own bedroom.

So far this has worked for us. I hope that I set a decent example for them, too. I'm on the computer for far too much time each day, but a lot of that time is places like this forum, where I am exploring and researching home schooling -- there is a task focus, not just socializing. KWIM?

Prayers for you and dd,
Karen

:iagree: This is exactly how we have everything set up (even with our 17 & 19 yo's!). We don't allow online gaming though as I have seen it become waaaaaay too addicting for kids. It is frustrating enough dealing with the limitations of a Playstation 2 AND 3 in the house. No way are we going to add online gaming as well. Also, we live in a remote area and only have dial-up internet...that kind of limits the fun of even TRYING online gaming. ;)

These restictions are not a big deal to my boys. The older two are very busy. They both have 30 hour a week jobs along with school. They really don't care to spend time online except to shop on ebay and such. When they want to talk to someone....they pick up their phones and call them. :001_huh:

When my boys move out on their own and purchase their own computer they can do as they like...but as long as they live here? It's accountability baby!

[TraceyS/FL]

:lol:

So good of you to take one for the team!!!!

I just took the keyboard away for 2 weeks :D Next time, when her father asks her to do a chore - she might actually attempt to listen.

[Liza Q]

Some excellent advice here!

We do something that is maybe weird but it makes us all feel comfortable - my daughters use an alias. For example, they have blogs as HSB and they like to post at NarniaWeb - fun place, I have been there enough to feel comfortable about it. So, my girls have screen names like Lollipop and Princess Leia. AND they have occasionally referred to each other with totally fake names like Brittany and Betty. They are consistent as they chose their actual fake (haha - actual fake - how stupid is that!) names years ago when they played spies all the time and the names are like nicknames around here.

So I feel that gives them an extra level of protection. Plus it reminds them that ANYONE can lie about their name just as easily and to never mistake internet *friendships* for the real thing.

Hmmmm....there is one exception to this. My daughters used to get a newsletter for homeschooled girls from a girl in TN. They write their own "magazine" for their friends and sent one to her - so, with the mailing, real names were involved. When this girl came to the city last year my husband took my daughters to meet her - and her Dad -and they had a great time! I guess this was different because we had read about her in a newspaper article and we knew that she was a real person. And my husband is a cop and is pretty confident that he can tell a scam - kwim?