My son told a lie, then the truth to get his way

[Scarlett]

Hmmm.....WWYD? He is 8.

I knew he had set up a Build a Bear account. He came and told me that someone had 'chatted' to him 'would you be my boyfriend?' Ok, I was freaked out because MY understanding of that sort of chat was they only got to pick pre-set phrases like 'want to be my friend?' and other things with no personal info. So I quizzed him heavily and he said it was 'safe chat' but that he could see other people's 'open chat'. Hmmmm....I should have known then...Anyway, I got on the site and briefly looked at it and couldn't find a way to turn off chat so I told him that site is over for him. For days he has begged me to let him back on. I've been firm.

So today he tells me that there is indeed a way to set it up with 'safe chat'.He looked all guilty. I said, 'so you did not tell me the truth when I asked that the other day?' He says he did not tell me the truth. He apparently had set up a second account that was open chat. So I thanked him for admitting that he lied to me and let him set up an account with 'safe chat'.

Now I'm feeling irritated that I let his little 'confession' cause me to let him back on a site when he had already lied about it. On the one hand, I don't want to discourage telling the truth, but on the other hand....he shouldh ave a consequence. Also, I clearly need to read these registration forms better before I hit approve in my email.

WWYD.

[Marie in Oh]

no more Build-A-Bear site or others like it for a long while. He clearly has shown that he can not be trusted in this area and he should have the priviledge revoked. How long? I don't know-- 6 months til he is more mature maybe. That is what I would do.

Parenting is hard. And though he did the right thing in confessing, there are still consequences. It will be a hard lesson for him, but better to learn now than when he is older.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Hmmm.....WWYD? He is 8.

I knew he had set up a Build a Bear account. He came and told me that someone had 'chatted' to him 'would you be my boyfriend?' Ok, I was freaked out because MY understanding of that sort of chat was they only got to pick pre-set phrases like 'want to be my friend?' and other things with no personal info. So I quizzed him heavily and he said it was 'safe chat' but that he could see other people's 'open chat'. Hmmmm....I should have known then...Anyway, I got on the site and briefly looked at it and couldn't find a way to turn off chat so I told him that site is over for him. For days he has begged me to let him back on. I've been firm.

So today he tells me that there is indeed a way to set it up with 'safe chat'.He looked all guilty. I said, 'so you did not tell me the truth when I asked that the other day?' He says he did not tell me the truth. He apparently had set up a second account that was open chat. So I thanked him for admitting that he lied to me and let him set up an account with 'safe chat'.

Now I'm feeling irritated that I let his little 'confession' cause me to let him back on a site when he had already lied about it. On the one hand, I don't want to discourage telling the truth, but on the other hand....he shouldh ave a consequence. Also, I clearly need to read these registration forms better before I hit approve in my email.

WWYD.

I would remove the internet cable to the computer when I was going to be more than three feet away, and he would not use a chat room at age eight, safe chat or not, without me Right. There. With. Him. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't budge on this one.

And I actually wouldn't discuss it with him. I would just do it. It wouldn't have anything to do with lying, though. He was right to tell you what the person said on chat, wrong to set up another account, wrong to lie about it, and right to confess. But all this is a big ol' fat sign that age eight isn't really old enough to be able to use an internet account all alone. He was tempted to lie and he gave in. That's human. That's being eight. To have a reason to lie about something like this? That's where you and your restrictions come in.

If he needs to chat with somebody, invite another eight y/o over to play. Then they can "chat."

YMMV, JMO, etc.

[Joanne]

no more Build-A-Bear site or others like it for a long while. He clearly has shown that he can not be trusted in this area and he should have the privilidge revoked. How long? I don't know-- 6 months til he is more mature maybe. That is what I would do.

Parenting is hard. And though he did the right thing in confessing, there are still conseguences. It will be a hard lesson for him, but better to learn now than when he is older.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Scarlett]

Ok, thanks for you replies. Here is what I did. I changed the chat mode to safe. And really ...it is pretty much nothing. I also changed the password so that he can not log in again without me doing it for him.

The computer is 3 feet from my desk. So he will not be allowed on his computer unless I am sitting here from now on.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that it was really really great that he told you about the comment that bothered him.

I think it's time for a heart to heart about what attracted him to the open chat. I think it's time for some stories about how adults have tricked children into dangerous situations through sites like this.

So, yes, I would restrict his access severely. And oh by the way--his computer--it's in the living room, right? Where everyone can see the screen at all times, right? So that no images or anything can pop up with his certainty of privacy, right? And you have told him that you will read his email and messages because that's just what parents do, right? And you have child protection software installed and functional, right? Because these are just the basics.

And then I think it's important to honor his wishes in some way. I think that if this were my child I would want to let him into some situation like that in a timed way--like for an hour or two a week while I was right there reading a book or knitting or something. I think that it's important to show him that you love him enough to both restrict him and try to figure out a way to give him some of what he wants. Both.

[Scarlett]

I think that it was really really great that he told you about the comment that bothered him.

I think it's time for a heart to heart about what attracted him to the open chat. I think it's time for some stories about how adults have tricked children into dangerous situations through sites like this.

So, yes, I would restrict his access severely. And oh by the way--his computer--it's in the living room, right? Where everyone can see the screen at all times, right? So that no images or anything can pop up with his certainty of privacy, right? And you have told him that you will read his email and messages because that's just what parents do, right? And you have child protection software installed and functional, right? Because these are just the basics.

And then I think it's important to honor his wishes in some way. I think that if this were my child I would want to let him into some situation like that in a timed way--like for an hour or two a week while I was right there reading a book or knitting or something. I think that it's important to show him that you love him enough to both restrict him and try to figure out a way to give him some of what he wants. Both.

Yes, we've had the conversations about bad people and all that....I dont think he quite understands....but he definitely KNEW he shouldn't have set up that account with open chat. It says very clearly, 'for kids over 13'. Just goes to prove, as Pam said, 8 is too young to be trusted on the computer. I should have read what I approved before I hit 'approve'.

Yes, the computer is in our big open den, that faces the rest of the room including the kitchen so I can see him while I cook and all that.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Quote:
no more Build-A-Bear site or others like it for a long while. He clearly has shown that he can not be trusted in this area and he should have the privilidge revoked. How long? I don't know-- 6 months til he is more mature maybe. That is what I would do.

Parenting is hard. And though he did the right thing in confessing, there are still conseguences. It will be a hard lesson for him, but better to learn now than when he is older.

I agree also....

With discipline, keep it about the original issue. In this case, it's a safety issue too! You just HAVE to follow through. Since you already let him have it back, I'd sit him down and tell him that I have thought it over and decided he's just not ready for the responsibility and it's unfair for me to put that sort of responsibility on him if he's not ready. Tell him you'll re-evaluate in X months.

Also, that is the logical consequence, but you may also find it helpful to, over the next while, gently do some teaching in regards to honesty, lying, integrity, etc. For example, if you do memory verses, maybe a couple can include this topic. You can share accounts from scripture or other people also. You don't want to have it too heavy or punitive or else he'll not appreciate it, but resent it. But just mildly, gently guide him. If you want more help in that regard, just PM :)

[Remudamom]

I wouldn't let him back on the site. But I wouldn't have allowed it in the first place. The only chatting mine do online is IM with one family that we know well.

[Danestress]

It says very clearly, 'for kids over 13'. Just goes to prove, as Pam said, 8 is too young to be trusted on the computer. I should have read what I approved before I hit 'approve'.

.

I don't get it. How many kids over 13 want an account a "Build a Bear?" Surely they know that there must be a ton of under 13 kids there - or exclusively.

[Scarlett]

Good point...I doubt most of those kids on the open chat are actually 13...either way I don't want him chatting. The 'safe chat' is just a few phrases and they can't add to them in any way. And he doesn't chat. He says no to everyone who wants to be his friend. He says having friends clutters up his space. LOL

I need to think on this some more. It is really a very very mild site...just some games and he gets to put in his bears DOB and name....and get points and all of that. Build a Bear is such a young past time that I've been happy he is still interested in it.

I think the main thing I need to do is limit his time. We've both been on the computer waaaaaay too much this week. It is our first time at home since we finished up school on May 6th, so we've vegged out this week some. I need to get us back on a schedule....summer schedule, so a light one...next week.