Uncle...problem...help...

[Pencil Pusher]

Dh has an uncle (the one fr the collection calls thread) who's a completely nice guy. Esp fil's side of the family is *really* close. Uncle is kinda the loose cannon, but everybody has one of those, right?

He used to (before I knew any of them) have a big time, respectable job. Behind his back, they all wonder why he left it because since then, he's led a kind-of strange half-life. He plays poker & works odd jobs & barely (as in sometimes can't) support himself. Other times he has tons of money.

He...I hate to call him a moocher, but there may be a little (or more) of that tendency. Otoh, I'm pretty sure he'd give you the shirt off his back. That's really the way I see him: so generous that it doesn't occur to him that others aren't the same way. He doesn't realize that sometimes people want time alone or that there's such a thing as personal space, property, etc.

But other than that, he's a sweet, lovable guy, kwim? Not a big deal, fine to have around. Occasionally opinionated, but I can handle that.

That's why I felt really guilty to tell dh that lately I've been getting a weird vibe from uncle. I shouldn't. Really, he's fine. But he's living w/ my il's, & they've got a patio they work on every summer, & last time we were there, he was lying in the hammock w/ dd5. Fil does this, & it doesn't bother me at all. W/ uncle....

So I mentioned it to dh. He said, you know, I know what you mean. (That's reassuring, but also not good, ya know?) He also said that if uncle weren't a relative, it would be obvious what to do. (ugh)

Here's the problem. Uncle lives w/ il's. W/ the feelings we're getting, our main thing is that we feel like we ought to be there when the dc are there. But they usually spend the night w/ il's once a mo or so. At this point, that doesn't seem like a good idea.

We can NOT talk to il's. We've agreed about that. It's just too random, too sensitive, & we're pretty sure they wouldn't understand. They'd be unbelievably hurt by even the suggestion of a problem.

It's doubtful uncle will ever move. As long as I've known them, the only time he *hasn't* lived there was when we were living there, & he wasn't going to move out even then. He suggested just sleeping on the sofa. When we did move out, he moved his stuff in w/ us for a week or two, he was so anxious to get back in there.

We've begun praying for him to move out, of his own volition, but in the meantime, mil wants dc to spend the night this weekend. I need a good excuse that won't hurt anyone's feelings. Dh has to work the day she wants us to come over there, but she's just told me to come on w/out him. I could decline that, but I wouldn't put it past her to offer to come get the dc. Plus, there'll be another set of relatives there that we haven't seen in over a yr (so they haven't seen baby).

I just need a way to wiggle out of letting the dc spend the night. Things have been busy lately, so it's been more than a mo since they've stayed, & il's & dc are both getting antsy for a visit, which makes it doubly hard.

So help. Is there anything we can say or do w/out... hurting anyone? TIA!

[theodwyn]

Can you spend the night, too? Otherwise, maybe just say the kids need more sleep than they are likely to get at grandma's or make some other plan that will conflict with their staying overnight. If you and dh both have these feelings I would listen to them!

[Pencil Pusher]

Can you spend the night, too? Otherwise, maybe just say the kids need more sleep than they are likely to get at grandma's or make some other plan that will conflict with their staying overnight. If you and dh both have these feelings I would listen to them!

No! LOL--il's don't have a real guest bed, much less bedroom. I'll have baby, who won't really sleep elsewhere. It would be an exhausting fiasco to stay. (I did consider that, though.)

I'm afraid the only possibility is a conflict of schedule, I just need to schedule something. But I wonder how long that will hold them off? I'm afraid that ultimately, we will *have* to talk to them about it...<sigh>

No, wait. We could move to another state. I *knew* there was an easier answer!

[Kathleen in VA]

This is the trickiest question I've encountered on this board yet. Wow. Considering the situation, I would not be able to allow my children to spend the night - no matter what.

Does this uncle ever use questionable language? If so, you could just say that you don't think he is a good influence and you don't want the kids picking up his language. Not very good, huh? Sorry.

I'm also sorry you are having to deal with this. I'll be praying.

[Unicorn]

Heck, You're in TX, you don't have to move to another state. Just move someplace else in the state, like further south, (the house next door will be available soon!). Is there something going on this weekend that you can just not miss ( a church activity, party, community something or other that you "promised somebody, anybody, that you just wouldn't miss). Can you call a friend, and invite them over for lunch on Sunday, so you will have a reason for not letting the dc stay? I don't condone lying, but in this instance, to protect my dc, I would do whatever is necessary. (((Aubrey))

[Twinmom]

I would definitely not let the dc spend the night, even if it hurts MIL's feelings. It's too risky, esp. if you both have noticed something "odd" about the uncle. If it were me, I'd say that the kids have had a big week, they are tired and so are you, so spending the night is not a good idea for this weekend. Offer to come over (w/o the kids' overnight bags!) and bring the kidlets to meet the new relatives, then beg off early to get the kids home to bed. Barring that, say that you really need this three day weekend together as a family, and you'll need to come over another weekend.

You're going to have to say something to MIL soon, though. This is going to come up again. Does uncle have any sort of problem? Mental illness, inability to keep a job, any possible drug/alcohol abuse? It isn't normal for a man of that age to be living with relatives and not working. Find something, blame that, and only go towards the nebulous "weird feeling" if you are not understood.

Tough one...hang in there. Follow your gut where your kids are concerned!

[Pencil Pusher]

Does this uncle ever use questionable language? If so, you could just say that you don't think he is a good influence and you don't want the kids picking up his language. Not very good, huh? Sorry.

Well, his language isn't any worse than fil or bil, lol! But even an excuse this mild would really hurt their feelings. I mean, dh & I have been married 9 yrs in June. Except for the time that we were living w/ il's when ds #1 was born & we were both still in college, uncle has been living w/ them that whole time. Dh thinks he'll eventually die there.

My point is that...I can't just suddenly say he's not a good influence. Oldest dc is 7--why would I suddenly have a problem w/ uncle, kwim?

And I wonder that, too. But then I look at dd5. There's some kind of instinct that I didn't even know existed that's started to kick in in the last yr or so. I can *see* people looking at her differently, kwim? She's old enough that she doesn't have to hold my hand at the grocery store any more, but...I feel like I need to keep her *closer.*

[Kim in Appalachia]

You may be able to come up with an excuse this time, but how long can you put it off?

I would have your in-laws over and then have your dh tell them he is uncomfortable with the uncle. I would make it clear that you don't think he has done anything, nor have the kids said anything to make you suspect a thing. I would make it clear that it is a feeling that both of you share, and you just want to protect your kids. Ask them not to share this with the uncle, but to please understand your concerns.

It is an awful situation. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I have a few relatives that I would not leave my kids alone with, but fortunately they live many states away.

[amary]

This is hard and must be a real disappointment to the kids to be so close but not be able to spend the night.

It doesn't seem like you can say anything without causing hard feelings. Does he ever "go away" for a few days?

We don't live near our family and while it is sad for all of us and they do miss the sleepovers that their cousins get to have with grandma, it's not the end of the world. I think you're right to keep them away.

[elegantlion]

I agree about not letting your dc stay there. I had a creepy uncle too. He wasn't even nice, just weird. Although he wasn't around much he still gave my mom and dad (his cousin) a creepy vibe. They purposely avoided him for years. I don't remember much about him, but the "threat" seemed real enough for my parents to take action.

You might have to deal with in in-laws sooner or later, but I'd keep praying for uncle to move on.

Do you know that this person hasn't had some issues already? Do you know all the background info that you feel you need to?

[Mama Anna]

The best suggestion I can think of is to go ahead and voice your concerns. It won't be pretty or comfortable, but if you're thinking you might have to in the end anyway, doing it now will save a lot of manuevering that might be made obvious (and possibly be seen as being that much more hurtful) when the talk finally comes.

Yikes. That doesn't make it any easier, does it? Does your MIL have any daughters? Would she relate to the bear that we mothers feel start to come out when a guy looks at our girls in an "iffy" way? You could approach it from your dd's perspective. As in, she needs to learn what safe boundaries are and being in close physical contact with a male not her father is off-limits? No, that doesn't address the concerns about dh's uncle's behavior either . . .

But I encourage you to do something. A girl her age doesn't necessarily have any way of knowing what's okay or not, especially when someone in her family is telling her that "something" is okay.

Praying,
Mama Anna

[Tammyla]

(((Aubrey)))

This is icky isn't it. Tell her you can't sleep when they aren't with you and invite her to your place. You're pg and she can just humor you. kwim?
Do protect your kids from the uncle. Your dh getting this, would send my head spinning. It just isn't worth the heartbreaking damage that could happen. And I commiserate with you. My ex-bil was someone who was so nice, but there was this something I couldn't put my finger on. Protecting The Gift might be a book suggestion.

[Kathleen in VA]

Well, his language isn't any worse than fil or bil, lol! But even an excuse this mild would really hurt their feelings. I mean, dh & I have been married 9 yrs in June. Except for the time that we were living w/ il's when ds #1 was born & we were both still in college, uncle has been living w/ them that whole time. Dh thinks he'll eventually die there.

My point is that...I can't just suddenly say he's not a good influence. Oldest dc is 7--why would I suddenly have a problem w/ uncle, kwim?

And I wonder that, too. But then I look at dd5. There's some kind of instinct that I didn't even know existed that's started to kick in in the last yr or so. I can *see* people looking at her differently, kwim? She's old enough that she doesn't have to hold my hand at the grocery store any more, but...I feel like I need to keep her *closer.*

Yes, I see what you mean. I didn't think it was the greatest suggestion, just grasping for straws.

I have to agree with some other folks here, I think you will eventually have to have a talk with your ils. I know that sounds scary, but the bottom line is you must protect your children and that may have to be at the expense of some feelings or worse. This has the potential of being a real relationship buster but I pray it won't come to that.

Again, not much help, but I'm on your team and am praying.

[Robin in Tx]

Here's an angle..

You can say that you and dh have decided not to allow sleepovers anymore... that the kids are really cranky the next couple of days after they get home and you don't know if it's because they don't sleep well or don't adjust to schedule interruptions well or maybe it's your routine being interrupted that messes up the dynamics in the house, or what the deal is, but that it always takes a while to get back to normal, and it's much, much easier to bring everyone home to sleep in their own beds an night. And you can say that if you were to allow a sleepover with anyone, it would be them, yadda yadda. I wouldn't make too big of a deal about it. Just say you don't like it when the kids spend the night away from the house. But that you'd love to come visit and stay for the evening.

In our house, when dd was that age, that would have been a truthful statement.

I would not discus your suspicions of the bil with his parents. If it becomes a real problem that needs to be discussed with them, your dh needs to be in charge of that.

Good luck... I would keep them away, too, but I wouldn't let anyone know why.

Robin

[flutistmom]

I agree with Kim that you are going to have to discuss this with the IL's, but not until DH can be there as well. For this weekend, couldn't you be vague and say that "Well, the kids have been acting kind of cranky. I'm afraid they may be coming down with something. Wouldn't want them to spread anything to anyone, and they need a bit more rest....etc." I think most folks would be pleased that they weren't going to be coughed on, sneezed on, (or worse!) by a potentially sick child.

I hope this all works out for you!


-Robin

[Pencil Pusher]

Do you know that this person hasn't had some issues already? Do you know all the background info that you feel you need to?


It's funny--I hadn't thought about that. I imagine we know whatever there is to know...the family's close enough, that I don't really know how he'd hide anything. Hmmm.

Before he lived w/ il's, he lived w/ the aunt who's coming on Sun. She actually raised his dc. She (his sis) is very...honest?... about what is & isn't wrong w/ him. Still...I don't know if I'd risk talking to her...

Btw, I know you meant an official background search. Just made me think of sis.

[Pencil Pusher]

Here's an angle..

You can say that you and dh have decided not to allow sleepovers anymore... that the kids are really cranky the next couple of days after they get home and you don't know if it's because they don't sleep well or don't adjust to schedule interruptions well or maybe it's your routine being interrupted that messes up the dynamics in the house, or what the deal is, but that it always takes a while to get back to normal, and it's much, much easier to bring everyone home to sleep in their own beds an night. And you can say that if you were to allow a sleepover with anyone, it would be them, yadda yadda. I wouldn't make too big of a deal about it. Just say you don't like it when the kids spend the night away from the house. But that you'd love to come visit and stay for the evening.

In our house, when dd was that age, that would have been a truthful statement.

I would not discus your suspicions of the bil with his parents. If it becomes a real problem that needs to be discussed with them, your dh needs to be in charge of that.

Good luck... I would keep them away, too, but I wouldn't let anyone know why.

Robin

Well...they live an hr away. They're the only people dc have ever stayed over w/ anyway. And, traditionally, they take the dc for a couple of days when we have a baby. I feel like I'm really backing myself into a corner w/ impending birth. Not that that would justify ignoring these feelings, just that...it's difficult.

If I (or dh) say we're not allowing sleepovers any more... I think that will hit them about as cheerfully as our feelings about uncle, lol. We've got the only gk, & since we used to live there, & then we lived less than a m away, this move has already been hard on il's. I just don't know...

Good ideas, though. Thank you.

[Pencil Pusher]

The best suggestion I can think of is to go ahead and voice your concerns. It won't be pretty or comfortable, but if you're thinking you might have to in the end anyway, doing it now will save a lot of manuevering that might be made obvious (and possibly be seen as being that much more hurtful) when the talk finally comes.

Yikes. That doesn't make it any easier, does it? Does your MIL have any daughters? Would she relate to the bear that we mothers feel start to come out when a guy looks at our girls in an "iffy" way? You could approach it from your dd's perspective. As in, she needs to learn what safe boundaries are and being in close physical contact with a male not her father is off-limits? No, that doesn't address the concerns about dh's uncle's behavior either . . .

But I encourage you to do something. A girl her age doesn't necessarily have any way of knowing what's okay or not, especially when someone in her family is telling her that "something" is okay.

Praying,
Mama Anna

No, mil only has 2 boys. And I know what you mean about dd's age. I don't want to *really* talk to her too much about this sort of thing, because I don't want to *give* her any ideas or fears. At the same time...I don't know for sure that she'd know if something was wrong. That's basically why I just want to *be* there. And...I think IF there's a problem, uncle knows how closely dh & I watch. Il's don't. Not in a bad or dangerous way, they're just...very laid back, easy-going, don't-notice-stuff kind of people. Not remotely paranoid (like me). :001_huh:

[Brenda in FL]

Aubrey,

I say trust both your's and dh's feelings on this. And I agree to talk to your inlaws and let them know your concerns.

If I understand correctly, this man is not their son (your husband's brother). I think he's your FIL's brother? It might be difficult to talk to them but not as difficult as if he were their son. And if you had your husband talk just to your MIL initially (assuming he's not her blood relative), maybe that would make it easier. And if MIL knows that this relative is preventing her from spending time with her grandkids - then maybe there will be an incentive to get him out on his own sooner!

[Robin in Tx]

Aubrey, I think you can address a no sleepover policy with much less personal injury. It's not personal against them. They may not like it, but...

You know what? The fact that they live an hour away is reason enough. Just tell them it's getting harder and harder with the little ones to keep driving back and forth to pick the kids up, etc. Now that your kids are older (7 and 5), they are actually old enough to be a help around the house (they can keep the 1yo entertained, they can help with chores, etc). Maybe you've gotten to the point where having your whole family around after the birth is more helpful/enjoyable to you than sending some of them off.

Aubrey, I can not stress enough how I think that you personally should NOT talk to the ils. Let your husband handle it. You might very well permanently damage reltionships with what will come across to others as "paranoia". (not that it is paranoia, but that is likely how it will be perceived). You will hurt him, his parents, and the extended family as well. It will make everyone uncomfortable. I say this not because I don't believe your concerns to be valid (actually I do), but because you are working on gut instincts only and not on specific evidence.

I have a brother that I would never leave my dd with not because I'm afraid of him molesting her, but because he is a single guy with no kids who is clueless about what is and isnt appropriate in front of or with children. Single, irresponsible guys are just idiots about this sort of thing. He judgment isn't very good, and he would likely do or say someting in front of dd that would send me to the moon. But there is no doubt he loves my dd and considers her a very special niece... I wouldn't risk destroying that for anything. He lived with my mom before she died and it was a sticky situation... I managed to handle it without ever having to tell my mom or my brother that I didn't like the way he behaved around my dd. She is a teen now,and it won't be long before she's an adult. Her relationship with her uncle in adulthood will be pleasant and unencumbered by all that junk. And my mom went to her grave thinking all was well between everyone... something that is important to an elderly parent. Win win.

I vote keep it to yourself. If something specific comes up, let your dh handle it. And make an announcement that you're finding it more and more difficult to do the sleepover thing and are going to stop the tradition. Actually, you should probably let your husband make that announcement. But you know what? even my vote doesn't really count... it's what your husband thinks that counts.

((Aubrey)) Take care... you will do the right thing... I'm sure about that!

[Pencil Pusher]

Robin,

If we talk to il's, it will be dh who does the talking. But...in the past, it doesn't matter what he says. Mil ends up talking to me about everything anyway. And the tricky thing is that she & I organize the sleepovers. When I have to "check w/ dh first" she seems to *know* that I have a problem w/ something, not him. Even when it really is him, lol.

I've got an email about this in my inbox that I've put off replying to, & she just called. I'm "not home." Of course, dh is really busy & really forgetful, so leaving it to him can be...difficult, too.

I've never understood people wanting to ignore things like this before. Now I do.

[Old Dominion Heather]

Aubrey,

Could your husband talk to his uncle first? He is the one that you have the issue with. I would start with that and then observe his behavior ver the next visits and see if he had changed it. I might also be tempted to call your daughter when she is in the hammock and tell him that it isn't appropriate for her to do that. He isn't her grandad. .. Although you might want to consider how much longer you want that to continue at all. If it could cause her confusion about what is/isn't ok, it might be time to stop. I gues that depends on how much you are comfortable with and how much touch your want *her* to be comfortable with.

[Pencil Pusher]

Could your husband talk to his uncle first? He is the one that you have the issue with. I would start with that and then observe his behavior ver the next visits and see if he had changed it.

He hasn't done anything wrong. There's not anything to change.

I might also be tempted to call your daughter when she is in the hammock and tell him that it isn't appropriate for her to do that. He isn't her grandad. .. Although you might want to consider how much longer you want that to continue at all. If it could cause her confusion about what is/isn't ok, it might be time to stop. I gues that depends on how much you are comfortable with and how much touch your want *her* to be comfortable with.

Calling her from the hammock (etc.) is why I want to be there & not leave them alone. The actual act of lying in the hammock w/ someone...I don't really have a problem w/. She's little. It's fun to have someone swing you. I even think it's probably natural for uncle to do this w/ her. Like I said, I've seen fil do the same thing. She lays on the sofa w/ bil, & that doesn't bother me. So it's not the act itself...it's just a feeling. And I happened to notice it when she was in the hammock w/ uncle.

How's that for vague & fruity? I half-way expected dh to be annoyed w/ me for the suggestion...except that he knows me already & loves me anyway. :rolleyes:

But the fact that he said, I know what you mean. I've been getting the same vibe. Whoa. Dh isn't that type.

[WTMCassandra]

(((Aubrey)))

I just want to affirm you that you are wise to pay attention to that gut feeling. I say, do whatever you have to do to protect your children, and just try to be as gracious as you can. You know (I'm sure) that you can't control the actions/reactions of your ILs, but stand firm and don't risk your children just to keep the peace.

Yes, it will probably come to a showdown at some point. There's not much of a way to avoid it. The impending birth makes things tricky. You definitely can't stop letting them go over there and then let them when the baby comes. As I see it, you should make a decision FIRST about what you will do with/for your other children when the baby comes. Then you can decide about the overnights now.

I know that's hard when MIL is calling, calling. If it were me, I would call DH and have him call his mom and put her off and tell her the overnight will not work out well for you this weekend. When she asks why, he can say it's a long story and it just won't work out well for you this weekend. He can use the broken record technique.

That would buy you some time. Then, I suggest that you and DH have a long sit-down about this whole issue. Stress how you want him to protect you by handling the communications proactively so you are not put in a bad position.

Then decide on the most gracious way possible for DH to break the new "rules" to the ILs. You've already gotten some great ideas. Then the chips will have to fall where they may.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but it's a lot better to deal with it now than to put your child at risk. Things could happen that cannot be undone. (((Aubrey)))

Let us know how things go. I care.

[GSMP]

I have been out here and read a few times. I hadn't joined the forum until today.

I would like to encourage you to please go with your instincts. Especially if your husband feels the same way. Having been a survivor of child hood sexual abuse....I can only tell you to heed what your heart and head are telling you. My abusers were an uncle and grandparent. My abuse started at age 3 and continued on until I was 13.

I had a friend whose husband gave both my husband and I the willies. We wouldn't allow him to be left alone with our children and I had to approach my friend with this information. It had gotten to the point where I felt I had no choice. When I told her we felt uneasy around her husband...she started checking and found out that was the reason for his first divorce.

As uncomfortable as it would be for you both to approach you IL's you may not have a choice. Be honest....not accusing when you discuss the matter with them. Tell them you are sorry but it makes you very uncomfortable. Reassure them that you don't feel the same way about FIL.

If you want to check out my story....just visit my blog and read the ME page.

We have those instincts and feeling for a reason....trust them.

My blog address is gingerporter.wordpress.com

It came out about my grandfather and uncle. My grandmother couldn't talk to me for almost three years. I found out that it wasn't because she was angry with me....she was angry at herself for not trusting her own instincts and knowing that she could have prevented something that followed me into my marriage.

Remember that they are your children and you have the first responsibility to them...I know you don't need a total stranger telling you this....but I would do anything to save a child from the pain I endured along with the years of counseling. I was blessed with an awesome husband and that helped in ways I couldn't even begin to describe.

Best of luck on what you decide......

[Robin in Tx]

Okay, I see. Well, maybe if you get to the point where you feel like you have to say something, you can do it in a way that suggest that you are concerned with the uncle's level of responsibility. If you tell her that you are not concerned that the uncle will do something intentionally to harm your kids, but that if had his own place, you probably wouldn't be comfortable letting the kids stay over there for any extended length of time... and that you are uncomfortable with him as a babysitter (not because he'd do something mean but because he might do something stupid)... then perhaps you can get some reassurance from her that she will never leave the kids alone with him. Just ask her to always being around and be the second set of eyes so that uncle and kiddos can enjoy each other without your being nervous about whether or not they're really being properly watched.

If she'll do that, then maybe you *will* be more comfortable with the kids there. It sounds like you just want to make sure the grandparents are the ones watching the kids, not the uncle. I think you can arrange that... make sure she understands that you're bring the kids for a visit with her... and that you want her in charge of keeping an eye on them.

Does that sound like a feasible solution?

[Pencil Pusher]

GSMP,

My mother was a victim of childhood abuse by her father. Her mother didn't find out until I was in jr high. I've heard so many heartbreaking stories, that... as dumb as I feel about this, I just don't want to risk it.

Interestingly, though, I have a grandfather (grm's 2nd dh) who was accused of molesting a cousin. There was enough other stuff surrounding the situation that nothing was ever proven, & the accusation divided the family permanently.

We still see gf & gm, & dh & I have discussed the fact that we feel completely comfortable w/ gf. That, while we would not leave our dc alone w/ them, simply out of prudence, we're pretty convinced that he is innocent & trustworthy.

I guess what I'm saying is, I know what you mean. And I've seen a range of examples of these situations. Not that that makes me right or an expert or anything else. If anything, it makes me more suspicious of my own suspicions. But dh hasn't had these experiences, & I really, really trust his judgement. I think between the two of us, we do alright w/...well...whatever this is.

[Pencil Pusher]

Okay, I see. Well, maybe if you get to the point where you feel like you have to say something, you can do it in a way that suggest that you are concerned with the uncle's level of responsibility. If you tell her that you are not concerned that the uncle will do something intentionally to harm your kids, but that if had his own place, you probably wouldn't be comfortable letting the kids stay over there for any extended length of time... and that you are uncomfortable with him as a babysitter (not because he'd do something mean but because he might do something stupid)... then perhaps you can get some reassurance from her that she will never leave the kids alone with him. Just ask her to always being around and be the second set of eyes so that uncle and kiddos can enjoy each other without your being nervous about whether or not they're really being properly watched.

If she'll do that, then maybe you *will* be more comfortable with the kids there. It sounds like you just want to make sure the grandparents are the ones watching the kids, not the uncle. I think you can arrange that... make sure she understands that you're bring the kids for a visit with her... and that you want her in charge of keeping an eye on them.

Does that sound like a feasible solution?

I hope I don't sound argumentative, but no. *No one* in the family would leave a child alone w/ this uncle. I can't say for sure why, but neither he nor his ex-wife raised their dc. That says *something.*

So it's not an issue of him babysitting. He's just...there. Kind-of lurking, hanging around. IF he decided to do something (and again, that's really a big if), I'm not sure anybody would notice. He'd offer to show one of the dc something in his room. Or he'd manage something when they were sitting close.

Oh, I feel awful to even imagine it!! Really, logically, I don't think anything will happen. BUT, IF something could or would, it's not the kind of thing you can say, "Just keep an eye on them." You know? You'd almost have to have someone suspect that type of thing to watch closely enough. I think. Ugh.

[Robin in Tx]

Gosh, this sounds like a tough situation. It sounds like you're going to have to just keep the kids home and come up with a non-offending excuse, or keep the kids home and tell them the real reason why. The only non-offending excuse I can come up with is the inconvenience of the sleepovers. Perhaps someone else can come up with a better idea.

I'm sure you and your husband will figure out the best way to handle it... I wish you the best trying to figure it out.

((Aubrey))

[Eliana]

If you don't have anything concrete, then I think your instinct not to bring up your got-level concern is right. It is a devastating issue even when there is clear evidence, but I think an accusation such as this (without anything more than instinct to back it up) could destroy family bonds and needlessly wound many people.

...but I agree that under **no** circumstances should you ignore that instinct!

My first thought was to tell your parents-in-law that you've started to feel uncomfortable having the kids away from you over night... that you want them closer. That way you are being honest about as much as you can without causing unnecessary pain - or harm, that kind of doubt can destroy a person's reputation - and it means you won't have to be dodging the issue from here on out.

[WTMCassandra]

I hope I don't sound argumentative, but no. *No one* in the family would leave a child alone w/ this uncle. I can't say for sure why, but neither he nor his ex-wife raised their dc. That says *something.*

So it's not an issue of him babysitting. He's just...there. Kind-of lurking, hanging around. IF he decided to do something (and again, that's really a big if), I'm not sure anybody would notice. He'd offer to show one of the dc something in his room. Or he'd manage something when they were sitting close.

Oh, I feel awful to even imagine it!! Really, logically, I don't think anything will happen. BUT, IF something could or would, it's not the kind of thing you can say, "Just keep an eye on them." You know? You'd almost have to have someone suspect that type of thing to watch closely enough. I think. Ugh.

Wow. I posted my response before I read this. Please, please, just do whatever it takes to protect your children. NO WAY would I let my children be at that house without me.

[theodwyn]

Or you could meet up with me somewhere as your excuse. I'm in Carrollton!

[GSMP]

GSMP,

My mother was a victim of childhood abuse by her father. Her mother didn't find out until I was in jr high. I've heard so many heartbreaking stories, that... as dumb as I feel about this, I just don't want to risk it.

Interestingly, though, I have a grandfather (grm's 2nd dh) who was accused of molesting a cousin. There was enough other stuff surrounding the situation that nothing was ever proven, & the accusation divided the family permanently.

We still see gf & gm, & dh & I have discussed the fact that we feel completely comfortable w/ gf. That, while we would not leave our dc alone w/ them, simply out of prudence, we're pretty convinced that he is innocent & trustworthy.

I guess what I'm saying is, I know what you mean. And I've seen a range of examples of these situations. Not that that makes me right or an expert or anything else. If anything, it makes me more suspicious of my own suspicions. But dh hasn't had these experiences, & I really, really trust his judgement. I think between the two of us, we do alright w/...well...whatever this is.

I didn't mean for it to sound like you need to confront the family. I'm sorry about that if it came across that way. You sound like you and your husband have your hearts in the right place and know what you need to do. Yes...I wouldn't accuse anyone with out concrete proof.

I'm glad you want the grandparents in your children's lives. We are going through a terrible mess with a mentally ill MIL and the kids have lost their grandparents.

I can also understand the being suspicious of your own suspicions.....I just wanted to be encouraging.....sounds like you both have your heads on straight and will do only what you feel is necessary so as not to cause any undue grief to the family.

[strider]

Please, please, please trust the inner creep-o-meter.

There are a lot of red flags based on what you say about the uncle.

Don't feel guilty about your inner creep-o-meter. God gave you these instincts to make you a better parent.

I like Robin's advice to stop the sleepovers. Yes it will hurt mil's feelings--she is going to have to deal with that, because keeping your children safe is more important.

Furthermore, I think you should talk intentionally to your children about this. You don't have to mention uncle's name or anything like that. Just talk about touching (what is appropriate vs not) and about what is okay to see or be seen. Make is crystal clear that YOU are the only person they can be immodest with--absolutely no one else. Talk to them about having "bad feelings" about something someone does, and make sure they know they are to TELL YOU. Having this talk with your kids will NOT make them unnaturally creeped out--just be matter-of-fact. Act like it's all part of other safety issues, like stranger danger or what to do in a fire.

[Michelle in TX]

Aubrey,

I say trust both your's and dh's feelings on this. And I agree to talk to your inlaws and let them know your concerns.

If I understand correctly, this man is not their son (your husband's brother). I think he's your FIL's brother? It might be difficult to talk to them but not as difficult as if he were their son. And if you had your husband talk just to your MIL initially (assuming he's not her blood relative), maybe that would make it easier. And if MIL knows that this relative is preventing her from spending time with her grandkids - then maybe there will be an incentive to get him out on his own sooner!

:iagree: If I were you I would without delay see what I could find out about him background check wise. There are many free places to check for crime related things and then there's checks that cost something. I know I've checked often the sexual ?? registry for my area to see if any live near me. It sounds suspicious that he left a very good job way back when. I would dig around and see if I could find out why. Perhaps something criminal happened that didn't result in an actual trial or even a guilty verdict but was enough for his company to let him go. Are there any newspaper articles around that time period that might reveal something. Also, what do his own dc say of him? I think you are so wise to protect your children even if it means hurting relationships. I would hope that over time they would heal. And I agree with Brenda, you il's would possibly get the uncle out if it meant losing some privaleges with the gk's. I'm sorry you are going through this! Praying for you....

[Mamabegood]

GSMP, I sent you a PM (in case you don't know to check for those :001_smile:).

[Pencil Pusher]

Ok, ladies, I emailed her. I have a hs meeting Mon morn. There's a family thing out of town next mo that I suggested would be a better chance to see everyone, although we may still go & hang out for a little bit on Sun.

I know that only buys time, but at this pt, that's what I need. Thank you so much for your support. It really helps to hear whether I'm overreacting or not.

Strider, thanks for the pointers on how to talk to the dc. We've kind-of done that, but not quite as specifically as you're describing. And I've known that such a talk was coming soon. :001_huh:

Theodwyn, you're sweet. I think a meetup would be lovely.

GSMP, I didn't think you meant that we should actually accuse the uncle of anything. I wouldn't dream of doing that! I just meant that we've (I've) been around people who run the gammut. (sp?) From one who's guilty & has not been caught (gf) to one who's been accused but really seems innocent (stepgf), & fishy people in between. I've also been around a lot of victims, so I have a few ideas of behaviors to look for, too. Mostly, I kwym. And :grouphug:.

Eliana, I just read your post. Nope, we definitely wouldn't accuse anybody of anything. At most, we'd tell il's we're uncomfortable w/ dc being around the uncle, but I really, really doubt we'd be able to bring that up, even on a vague level. I'm strongly relying on prayer here--that he'll move before it becomes an issue. Otoh, I'd love to move out of Tx right about now, w/ the 115 heat index & the 7mo pg body! ;)

Thanks, ladies.

[Cadam]

Come up with someone who needs you that night or first thing in the morning and the kids need to be around to play with her kids kwim?

Trust your mommy instinct even when you have nothing "tangible" to back you up. god gave you that instinct, don't ignore it. Better to be wrong and safe than to than to sacrifice your dd on the alter of family peace.