Can we talk about girl attitudes??? PLEASE

[Gamom3]

Dd is about to turn 10next month and boy does her attitude STINK!!!
I do try very hard to pick my battles with her. She is disrespectful.... in our house we have our children say "yes ma'am/no ma'am and yes sir/no sir..our RULE(please don't say I shouldn't do this). She refuses to say it most of the time, even though her brothers say it all the time,it is required by us and we do remind them all. She will get in a mood and not want to do her school work, so she will sit and then she will act like she has NO idea what to do..even though she just did one problem like it a min or so before with no problem. She thinks what she is doing is more important than what she has been asked to do. She has NO learning disabilities, unless stubbornness/hardheaded/strongwilled are some!

I need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of control and she gets into her teens and it become worse!!!

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm sorry, I'm no help. I am at my wit's end with my eldest daughter who just turned 12. I'd love to hear any ideas from people who have been through it and still have a living teenaged girl they are homeschooling. Most of my friends who have always homeschooled have put their sixth grade daughters in school because they could no longer take the crap attitude.

[Claire]

Does she watch television? My dd was a little older (around 11) when we noticed a deterioration in her attitude. Turned out she was being influenced a *lot* by the teen attitudes in the shows she was watching. She was imitating them, pretty much without being conscious of it. When we restricted tv and cut out those particular shows, she returned to normal. About a year later we let her watch them again, but by that time she was sufficiently mature not to let their attitudes affect her attitudes.

[theodwyn]

I'm right there with you! It's encouraging to know it's not just us. My 12yo dd is not quite as bad as the OP's dd at least at the moment, but we definitely have the attitude working. I'm trying not to let her get away with it and to not let it get to me, but it sure is tough at times! I also have a nearly 14 yo ds who is really a good guy but is dealing with the hormone swings and teen angst that can be so tough at times. I guess we all just need to pray for each other and know we aren't alone!
Wendy

[stephanie]

Dd is about to turn 10next month and boy does her attitude STINK!!!
I do try very hard to pick my battles with her. She is disrespectful.... in our house we have our children say "yes ma'am/no ma'am and yes sir/no sir..our RULE(please don't say I shouldn't do this). She refuses to say it most of the time, even though her brothers say it all the time,it is required by us and we do remind them all. She will get in a mood and not want to do her school work, so she will sit and then she will act like she has NO idea what to do..even though she just did one problem like it a min or so before with no problem. She thinks what she is doing is more important than what she has been asked to do. She has NO learning disabilities, unless stubbornness/hardheaded/strongwilled are some!

I need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of control and she gets into her teens and it become worse!!!

You're right on needing to nip it now. My dd's aren't there yet so I can't speak from experience, but it sounds like she's testing her boundaries. I'm also with you on the yes ma'am stuff- we require that of ours as well. That's not a battle I will fight with them. My dd's are only 6 and 7, and I've had a few eye rolls at me. To solve that, I make them go practice them rolling their eyes in the mirror so they can have it just right the next time they try it. They think it's so stupid, but it sure has cut out the eye rolling. I'm anxious to hear what everyone posts so I can be prepared if mine try it!

[Sue G in PA]

No help, but you are not alone. My dd11 suddenly turned into Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde seemingly overnight. One minute she is sugar and spice, the next....look out! Stick to you guns. Be consistent, esp. w/ the disrespect. Loss of priveleges (friends, TV, video games, phone calls, whatever it takes). Let her know that those things are privelelges to be earned and if her attitude continues to be in the trash then she loses those priveleges. My dd usually just needs a cooling off period in her room before she returns to apologize for her disrespect, attitude, whatever. This age is tough. Hormones they don't know what to do with (not in THAT sense, but just emotional turbulence). Talk w/ her about her changing body and how her emotions will seem all "messed up". She's happy one minute, sad the next, angry the next. It's all normal. THey just need us to help them control the emotions. Even hormonal women can't be permitted to lash out at anyone and everyone in their path! I suppose I should take that one to heart, LOL!

[OnTheBrink]

Dd is about to turn 10next month and boy does her attitude STINK!!!
I do try very hard to pick my battles with her. She is disrespectful.... in our house we have our children say "yes ma'am/no ma'am and yes sir/no sir..our RULE(please don't say I shouldn't do this). She refuses to say it most of the time, even though her brothers say it all the time,it is required by us and we do remind them all. She will get in a mood and not want to do her school work, so she will sit and then she will act like she has NO idea what to do..even though she just did one problem like it a min or so before with no problem. She thinks what she is doing is more important than what she has been asked to do. She has NO learning disabilities, unless stubbornness/hardheaded/strongwilled are some!

I need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of control and she gets into her teens and it become worse!!!

When did my daughter show up at your house?? *sigh*

[Jenny in Atl]

It's HORMONES! Just back from the eye doctor with my 12 dd. We were checking out which frames she wanted. Well, she went right for the $300+ ones! Of course, we did not get those but it was a struggle to find a reasonably price frame that would not cramp her style. Ugh...

Know you are not alone and we were once this age. I remember my mother, laughing so loud at the OB's, when she found out I was having a girl the first time. "Oh, payback my dear is lovely." Yes, I went on to have two. If I had been fortunate to have more children, I bet they would have all been girls so I could pay for the drama I sure I shared with my folks at this crazy age.

Enjoy, it's all we can do.. or try to.

[WTMindy]

will affect her emotions? My dd is 10.5 and she is a very sweet, compliant child. But, I can see some days where she is irrationaly sad. I told her that this is natural and she will have days where she feels like this (we *all* do) but part of being an adult is to learn to control it. After I had one of these talks my dd raced to tell my dh when he got home, "Guess what Daddy, I have hormones!!) She thought it was neat that she was starting to become a young lady.

Now, you have probably done all this, but I make sure I tell my dd that there are no excuses for bad attitudes even because of hormones. I will ask her when she has a bad attitude, "Are you feeling a little hormonal?" If she says yes, I will give her a big hug and say, "Oh, I know how hard it is to control your emotions when you feel like that..." etc.

Let her know she is becoming a woman and she has to act like it. I'm sorry if this is too simplistic, but I have found talking about it (and following through with discipline for bad attitudes) has really helped. But, it is early still and we haven't hit the worst of it I'm sure and you can all remind me of this advice in a year or two!!

[Kristafish]

"Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde"

Oh boy does this describe my dd 11. I chalk it up to hormones.. The body is changing. She doesn't want to except it, she won't talk about anything with me.
I just let her be and when she is ready to talk~I will be here for her :)

[orangeblossom]

and it turns out that almost every time, it started with her not getting her way over something. When she was in a good mood, we talked about hormones and how what she's feeling was normal, but also how it's not ok to be nasty. This helped a lot. Now when she gets bent out of shape, I calmly remind her that she's upset because she's not getting her way about 'whatever', and to go cool off. She takes a bit of time and she's good again...at least most of the time.
I never let it go though. It's never ok to be difficult and nasty to people.

[LizzyBee]

I need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of control and she gets into her teens and it become worse!!!

Oh, it'll get worse. I've been "nipping it in the bud" for years. Oldest dd is 14 and in full bloom now!

[Mrs Mungo]

Oh, it'll get worse. I've been "nipping it in the bud" for years. Oldest dd is 14 and in full bloom now!

Honestly, this makes me want to cry. My younger daughter will be 10 in July to top it off. :rolleyes:

[ncmomo3]

OH! This is a relief to read. Although I've been through this attitude phase with my other 2 dd's, I had completely forgotten the terrible 10's. My, normally extremely easy-going, #3 dd has hit it full force the past 2 weeks. I could just NOT figure out what was going on.... but it is all too clear now.:(

[CLHCO]

Discussing the natural mood swings does help.

My daughters have commented that they have struggled and are learning to deal with this. I'm glad I brought it up because they recognized it years before I did and learned to handle it all from the start.

I wish I could give more help though. My daughters will be 14 in the spring and they've given me a hiccup now and then of pouting (one far more than the other) but most of the time they're respectful and compliant.

I wonder how much of that is their nature though and nothing I've done. They take after my husband's family and they swear the preteen/teen years were a joy. I thought they were deluded until I experienced it. Now, my youngest children take after my side so I'm a bit fearful of that. ;)

[Meliss]

When my 11 yr. old son was recently being disrespectful and argumentative, I told him that any time he gave me attitude he would have to go to bed ten minutes earlier than his younger siblings. I also told him that if he spontaneously said "Yes Mom" without reminder, he could earn back five minutes. I have only had to send him to bed earlier twice and it did stop the sassing. He did not like going to bed (with lights out) early!

I have explained to him many times that he is allowed to disagree with me, but he must express any disagreement in a respectful, non-argumentative manner. He must obey right away cheerfully, but can appeal on the way to obey.

[Tash9]

We have a 17 yr old and I think we are on the other side now :rolleyes: We have learned
- don't give up & learn to step back from the emotional outbursts

-Let her have a bit of time when we have pointed out where she is disrespectful then when she has had time to cool down & think about it she normally comes back to appologize

- Cuddle her & tell her now matter how frustrating she is you still love her

We are christians so we also found praying regularly together for her & encouraging her to read the Word regularly definately helped in fact I could tell exactly what days she was reading the bible & when she wasn't by her attitude to us.HTH
Tash
Married to 1 extra special guy
And Blessed mum of 5 girls & 4 boys

[Rachel]

My daughter turned 13yo yesterday along with her twin brother. I would take a teenage boy over a teenage girl ANY DAY OF THE WEEK!

I have 3 boys all teens and they are nothing compared to one preteen girl.

I wish I had loads of advice........but mostly it is just to try to get through it with the least amount of damage.

When my daughter is in a good mood I treasure those times........but when she is moody (most of the times) watch out. The tears..........the drama.........the mouth...........the eye rolling.

I'm not a lenient parent at all, but this has been a tough one. Biggest things that help around here........love her more when she is unlovable (seems to nip things in the bud when I don't overreact).........spend time with her......and just her, go to a movie, lunch, knit together, whatever.......don't get tangled up in the drama (this is a biggie!)

[gardenschooler]

I don't know about 'nipping it in the bud'. That didn't work so well for me. I just made my stubborn one even more...stubborn. It works great on the not-so-stubborn ones, though.

I have three words: Do not engage.

Set consequences, and walk away. Walk away, and breathe! You may not be able to control her, or her attitude, but you can control what happens because of it. And you can control how you react. That's pretty much all you can control.

My stubborn one will be 16 in a few months. I feel like I really might live through it, after all. We even shared a few laughs tonight. Wonders never cease.

[gardenschooler]

Mrs. Mungo - 'Still living' - ROFLOL. I homeschooled this one through 9th. Please tell me I get an award! (I was willing to continue, too).

[gardenschooler]

Does she watch television? My dd was a little older (around 11) when we noticed a deterioration in her attitude. Turned out she was being influenced a *lot* by the teen attitudes in the shows she was watching. She was imitating them, pretty much without being conscious of it. When we restricted tv and cut out those particular shows, she returned to normal. About a year later we let her watch them again, but by that time she was sufficiently mature not to let their attitudes affect her attitudes.
My dh strongly agrees with you. I thought he was mistaken, until I really started paying attention. So many horrible attitudes in tv shows aimed at this age group.

[Mrs Mungo]

Mrs. Mungo - 'Still living' - ROFLOL. I homeschooled this one through 9th. Please tell me I get an award! (I was willing to continue, too).

Set consequences and walk away...this will be my new mantra. I have to remember that it was similar when she was a toddler. I was really good about not engaging then, now not so much. Breathe, walk away, do not choke her out. Got it. ;) edited (the third time) to add that setting the consequence of an earlier bedtime seems to be currency for her (thank you to whomever mentioned that!)

eta: and yes! You get an award in my book!

edited (again) to add that as of yesterday my husband forbid any Disney channel show he is so convinced that's part of the problem.

[umarider]

I have explained to him many times that he is allowed to disagree with me, but he must express any disagreement in a respectful, non-argumentative manner. He must obey right away cheerfully, but can appeal on the way to obey.

This sounds similar to what I try to do (Unless I am totally stressed, then LOOK OUT!). I tell me DDs, "That was not the correct response. What would have been the right way to handle that situation/express your feelings?" (I provide guidance w/ their responses) If they balk at working on a more appropriate version, then they get to go someplace quiet and write in their journal about the situation and how it could have been handled better. They can return to normal family life when they have completed that task. We've only gone to writing once or twice.

I don't let DD12 use hormones as an excuse. We take more of a "They're here to stay for the next 40 years or so, so learn to work around them!" We work on recognizing the symptoms and that helps a lot.

Now DD9 is a very different sort... my family jokes she's destined to be a lawyer. That kid couldn't/wouldn't back down from an argument if her life depended on it! I have to get through the "shield" before I can have the "better response" discussion with her. I've found that a prolonged, soothing hug, some motherly shushing and "we'll get through this" works wonders... she loses all the tension in her body, and then we can start to talk, still w/ my arms around her. I just wish I could remember to take those steps sooner... I get pulled into her fights far more than I would like.

Again... all of the above apply when I am not stressed... these kids got those attitudes from somewhere, and I see the source everytime I look in the mirror!:rolleyes: