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View Full Version : Can you please review 12yods written work and give me your honest opinion?


imeverywoman
01-28-2008, 02:30 PM
This is his first ever comparison and contrast work. He told me that he felt like it was just a bunch of notes and rather fragmented. I told him to relax, as there is PLENTY of more practice ahead of him. Be honest....


The North and South had differences during the Civil War, but they also had commonalities.

The North grew the most popular crops such as wheat and corn, whereas the South was growing mostly cotton.

The North had more population because the South didn’t consider slaves part of the population.

The North and South were at one time peaceful; therefore, they had one capitol and one president. When the South seceded, they voted for their own president and formed a new capitol.

The North and South both had factories that produced clothes and other equipment for their soldiers.

They also had their own very distinct flags that they both recognized.

The Union had the first uniform, while the South wore old clothes or old uniforms from the Mexican War. When the war progressed, the South produced their gray uniform. Both had an infantry and cavalry.

About 620,000 men lost their lives altogether in the Civil War. Both sides suffered greatly.

PixieKris
01-28-2008, 02:38 PM
I thought it was fabulous! :D Be proud!

There are only two editing changes I would make: the first being that in the sentence after "When the South seceded, they voted for their own president and formed a new capitol." I would add "After the secession" to the beginning of the next sentence. The other thing I would change is just word choice - I would change "when the war progressed" to "as the war progressed."

I LOVED how he used so many comparison words. It didn't sound like a bunch of facts - it sounded like a compare and contrast essay. I am VERY impressed, and my editing changes are not things I'd expect my 11 (soon to be 12) year old to have come up with on her own. I tell her that's why we have other people read and edit our work.

Tell him great job!

imeverywoman
01-28-2008, 07:54 PM
.