Greetings and Farewells, or lack thereof....

[Joan in Geneva]

I'm interested in how people in different cultures/ countries greet and say goodbye and thought this would be the best place to ask this kind of thing...

My interest was piqued on attending a family reunion while back in the US, which was pretty large, where there was not a systematic effort on the part of some of my nieces and nephews to greet everyone...I realized that I'd gotten habituated to life here where people either "kiss" (on the cheeks) or shake hands, and usually to everyone in the group.

Even where my son is doing an internship (landscaping company), when an employee comes up to the group of guys standing there, he will greet and shake everyone's hand...

Yet I myself slid into my old "American" (maybe this is a wrong assumption on my part as it really has been ages since I've lived in the US) habits when I attended another reunion a few days later... Most people were already there...if they were talking I didn't bother introducing myself (to some distant relatives I'd never met before) but afterwards I was kicking myself for such discourtesy.

For years I found this "kissing" everyone when you arrive and there's a group of people sooooo difficult and overdone...but now I do appreciate this relationship building effort..

About goodbyes... I was talking to my father and his Spanish (second) wife and they said that Americans expect you to see yourself out of the house, whereas in Spain, you walk the person to the door and you spend an hour saying goodbye!

Ok, we do walk people to the door here, but don't spend an hour...

Anyway, I'm quite interested in these differences and want to know better what people do in different countries or cultures to help me be more aware...It took my dad's comment about seeing the guests out to see myself when I had just waved goodbye from the couch or something. It can be so hard to see one's own habits.

Hopeful for a response,
Joan

[lionfamily1999]

In my family you try to say hello to everyone eventually. IOW, if it's a large group of people you work your way around before it's all over so you can say hello.

Leaving...... well, there's goodbye when they decide to leave, goodbye at the door, goodbye walking out to car... and the goodbye conversation as they're sitting in their car. I know people that will drive away still talking out their window :lol:

My dad thinks that everyone who is related should have "I love you" as the last thing they say and it should be said until the last possible moment. When I was little that meant running to the end of the driving and yelling it at him while he drove off to work (and him hollering back through the window). Now it means yelling through the closing front door as I go to my car to drive away :) Dad's from Mass.

Mom will let people let themselves out, or else she'll keep them burning gas in the driveway for a half hour. It all depends on how she's feeling. She was born in Panama and grew up on various Army bases.

Dh thinks you should walk people out, but stop talking when they go down the steps. He doesn't like the endless goodbyes. He's from VA, but his family is all Scottish.

I walk out people that I know want to talk the whole way, let people out that need to get going (so they are stuck talking to me and being late) and generally say goodbye from the front door or porch, for the same reasons as dh (endless goodbyes get to me, but I'll do it if it means something to the other person). I'm from VA.

[Nan in Mass]

We had to get used to my sister's boyfriend (now husband). His family comes and goes without greeting or saying goodbye. We did the greeting, so that slipped by unnoticed, but the goodbyes... It was really disconcerting to discover he had vanished. These are two US families who live in the same place and have a very similar set of manners, not quite as close as my husband's family and mine, but almost. Ok, the mother grew up out of New England (New York LOL) but still... It caused quite a lot of uncomfortableness until we figured out that he wasn't doing it on purpose and my sister convinced him that it was rude not to say goodbye. In retrospect, I can see how unbelievably alike our two families must be if this was considered a problem LOL. Our "clan" now consists of my sister's husband's family, my family, and slightly on the fringes because they don't live in adjoining towns, my own in-laws. We greet and say goodbye almost all the time, despite the inconvenience, usually with a hug. I notice that my sister's children are particularly scrupulous about going round and giving everybody a hug of greeting and another hug of goodbye. We usually walk to the car, also, and some of us wave at the car until it is out of sight.

Somehow, the hug or handshake when arriving or leaving gets extended to my sons' friends and they recipricate. I've noticed that most adults in my area shake hands when they arrive and make a general announcement and wave their hand when they leave a group. I don't remember noticing that when I was little, but think probably it must have happened.

-Nan

[stripe]

I am used to families with extensive greetings and married into one of the same.

[loesje22000]

I understand you so well!!!

In the Netherlands you als shake hands and give 3 kisses on cheek.
In Belgium - West- Flanders you shake hands, no kisses, In Belgium-East Flanders you don't shake hands just kiss: 4 for family 1 for the others.

I don't have to tell you that I miss frequently and people look quite puzzled if I greet them...

Saying farewell:
We bring people to the door, with family and friends we walk to the car/busstop and wave until we can't see them anymore.
But I doubt it is an Belgian custom ;-)

[prairiewindmomma]

In Vienna, Austria, you say, "Gruss Gott" (God greet you, literally, but it comes across as a God Bless You) as a greeting. In a group setting, it's polite to greet everyone in the room as you join in.

As a farewell, informally most people say "Tschuss" (Bye) or for more formal farewells "Auf Wiedersehen" (when we see again--like see you later, but formal). You typically say individual farewells to everyone in a room.

[Joan in Geneva]

My dad thinks that everyone who is related should have "I love you" as the last thing they say and it should be said until the last possible moment. When I was little that meant running to the end of the driving and yelling it at him while he drove off to work (and him hollering back through the window). Now it means yelling through the closing front door as I go to my car to drive away :) Dad's from Mass.

I'm quickly seeing that there is not really an "American" way of doing this...

Your post made me realize something about my childhood....that we didn't have a greeting/farewell tradition at all. With an OCD mom and a house in chaos, we almost never had visitors. I'd realized the lack of visitors recently, but never thought about how that would affect my lack of childhood "socialization" about greetings in the home...I don't know if there is a smiley for "eye-opener" but this has just been one!

but the goodbyes... It was really disconcerting to discover he had vanished.

Now that would be very disconcerting!

In the Netherlands you also shake hands and give 3 kisses on cheek.
In Belgium - West- Flanders you shake hands, no kisses, In Belgium-East Flanders you don't shake hands just kiss: 4 for family 1 for the others.

I don't have to tell you that I miss frequently and people look quite puzzled if I greet them...

I hadn't realized those differences in Belgium!

I realize I forgot many things in my first post...

Kissing - here some give 2 and some give 3 and I always forget who's who, I mean who gives how many, so frequently find myself going for the other side one more time...aargh!

In a group setting, it's polite to greet everyone in the room as you join in.

Yes, I just remembered that in waiting rooms here you are supposed to give a general greeting to everyone when you enter, and a goodbye when you leave - this to people you don't know at all! This has been hard for me to learn or should I say "learn to do"...

It is hard when guests come... a friend, not so close, was leaving...I thought I should shake his hand...He thought he should either hug (he's American) or kiss - I guess since he was here - so it turned into a big mess between the hand, hug and kiss!

Oh yes, I also forgot the store attendant who does shelving...If you forget to say "Bonjour Monsieur/Madame" before asking them for something and just start with the question, they will say Bonjour and wait for you to answer before answering your question...

So now when Americans approach me without greeting first, it feels so funny to just launch into a conversation without having been "greeted"...

I continue to feel rude and unsocialized in my manners it is so easy for me to forget that first "greeting" to a stranger... Here children I don't know will say a friendly hello first...

Thank you for posting everyone!

[loesje22000]

I hadn't realized those differences in Belgium!

I realize I forgot many things in my first post...

Kissing - here some give 2 and some give 3 and I always forget who's who, I mean who gives how many, so frequently find myself going for the other side one more time...aargh!


Yes, I just remembered that in waiting rooms here you are supposed to give a general greeting to everyone when you enter, and a goodbye when you leave - this to people you don't know at all! This has been hard for me to learn or should I say "learn to do"...



These are just 2 of the 10 provinces in Belgium. I'm sure it is different in Frenchspeaking Belgium.

The waiting-room greetings are the same.
But on street it is different.
Where I live now it is polite / common to greet everyone you meet.
I don't know the correct translation for 'goedendag' (=good day but not in a farewell way).

In my previous residence it was absolute not done to greet on street :sigh:

[Joan in Geneva]

So then there are regional differences in other countries as well it seems...

It's true that I've heard of 4 kisses in the south of France...

I've heard of just handshaking in Germany - and that parents will shake the hands of their children before they go to bed...Any Germans - please correct this. I don't know if it is regional - to shake the person's hand and say their name at the same time (not your name)? (I guess that presumes that you know them).

Joan

[elinnea]

I've heard of just handshaking in Germany - and that parents will shake the hands of their children before they go to bed...Any Germans - please correct this. I don't know if it is regional - to shake the person's hand and say their name at the same time (not your name)? (I guess that presumes that you know them).

Joan

I don't think parents just shake their children's hands before going to bed anymore. That seems to be more of an old fashioned thing. You are right though that when meeting someone for the first time you would shake their hand and say your own name as an introduction. Also at most gatherings one should go around and greet everyone by shaking their hand. If there is a mix of age groups you would start with the oldest first. When you leave you would also go around and individually say good bye to everyone.

In Northern Germany it is quite common to shake hands every time you meet up with friends out on the street. In Cologne (where my husband is from) you would just give people a verbal greeting, no handshake unless meeting them for the first time.

In a waiting room it is considered polite to give a general greeting upon arriving and leaving.

Also when arriving and leaving a shop ( smaller ones of course) it is polite to say "Guten Tag" when entering and "Auf Wiedersehen" when leaving.

[In The Great White North]

The shaking everyone's hand thing is done in eastern Switzerland too, even coming and going from swim practice.

We never shook anyone's hand growing up (MI.) I think businessmen would shake hands then though.

I shake hands whenever introduced now and we shook hands a lot in the Army, but not every time you walked up to someone (only when introduced.)

I have a friend from Gdansk who kisses my hand on arrival.

[regentrude]

I've heard of just handshaking in Germany - and that parents will shake the hands of their children before they go to bed...Any Germans - please correct this. I don't know if it is regional - to shake the person's hand and say their name at the same time (not your name)? (I guess that presumes that you know them).


In Germany, we do shake hands - with family members, strangers we get introduced to, friends. At a gathering like a party or business meeting, the newest arrival would make rounds to shake everybody's hand. If there is somebody you have not met, you'd shake her hand and say "Hi, I'm regentrude".
If you have not seen a good friend or family member for a long time, you might hug. Not kiss, though. (When I go to Germany and see my family after a year's separation, I hug my parents and sister; my DH shakes their hands but does not hug)
And I have NEVER heard of parents shaking their kids' hands to say good night - you DO kiss good night, or just say it into the room.
If you enter a store, waiting room or similar situation where you are not having a personal interaction with the people present, you will just say a "Guten Tag" (good day) or "Guten Morgen" (good morning) into the room and not shake hands.

[In The Great White North]

BTW, Waldorf school teachers shake every child's hand on the way into the classroom every morning and when they leave every afternoon.

[Joan in Geneva]

INTGWN - the class handshaking reminded me that when my two older ones were in primary school here, their teachers shook all the student's hands when they entered and left the class everyday....

Regentrude and elinnea thanks for the corrections about German children's bedtime rituals..

Joan

[Jane in NC]

I am a handshaker, Joan. This was something that I observed business people doing back when I was in high school and decided that I should do it too. Weird but I sometimes feel that I learn something about a person by how they shake hands.

Frankly I think it would be rude not to say goodbye to hosts at an event. But if the gathering is large it is perhaps difficult to say goodbye to everyone there?

I am attending a get together later today. Looks like you have given me my assignment for the event!

[Rosie_0801]

I like to observe the distance between people shaking hands. My dad is so rural! It's not like he grew up on a farm or anything, but that guy will lean over a metre to shake someone's hands before he'll actually step closer :lol:

I remember in my teen years it became the thing you do to say goodbye or thanks to the bus driver as you disembark. We had a Chinese professor for a cross cultural linguistics subject at uni and she decided to try it out when she went back home. (Hong Kong or mainland China, I don't know.) She observed that the drivers would acknowledge a Western tourist, but completely her when she said goodbye to them.

:)
Rosie

[SneguochkaL]

In Russia, men hake hands, girls-hug and kiss in a chick (for close friends). For family members, I can hug my male cousin and give him a kiss, even he is married. I would do the same whether I greet him or just saying "Bye". We have a distinguish differences between formal/informal greetings.
Zdravstvuite/Dobroe utro/Dobriy den/Dobriy vecher- formal for people older than you/ your friends' parents, teachers or officials;
Privet-for friends. If you see someone who is younger than you first time you will use a formal language.
Do svidaniya - a formal equivalent to Good-Bye; Poka- informal.
"Prozhchay"- an equivalent to " Goodbye forever"

[Joan in Geneva]

SneguochkaL - thanks for sharing!

Rosie - that is interesting about the distance...I'm going to observe that too now...

I sometimes feel that I learn something about a person by how they shake hands.

This made me realize how different kissing is - I don't learn anything! but I do get a closer feeling towards the person by making the effort to kiss them. I don't know if it would have the same effect on a person who has grown up with kissing though.

Joan

[enviromommy]

One thing I really liked about living in France was having definite rules for greetings. It makes some situations less awkward to know exactly what you are supposed to do.

The only "unique" thing I have to add to this conversation is that Jewish law actually requires walking your guests to the door. You are not supposed to let them see themselves out.

[Rosie_0801]

This made me realize how different kissing is - I don't learn anything! but I do get a closer feeling towards the person by making the effort to kiss them. I don't know if it would have the same effect on a person who has grown up with kissing though.

:eek: I'm having personal space issues just reading that!

:leaving:
Rosie

[Joan in Geneva]

The only "unique" thing I have to add to this conversation is that Jewish law actually requires walking your guests to the door. You are not supposed to let them see themselves out.

Thank you so much for adding this; I had no clue about it.

Rosie - I still do not kiss men unless they are already so far forward in their "kiss" that I would feel like I'm being too impolite by turning away. Normally I try to put out my hand quickly so my feelings are clear.

Joan

[Joan in Geneva]

I just learned a new farewell - from Fiji...

They say a word that means "sleep" for a "goodbye" - because normally they are in groups and only "separate" for "sleep".

Then they lean to the person's cheek and "sniff" instead of kissing. But the sniff is not for smelling, just a little breath in...this might be more among women though...

This came from a guest from Fiji...I asked when saying goodbye...

Joan

[momof2cm]

I understand you so well!!!

In the Netherlands you als shake hands and give 3 kisses on cheek.
In Belgium - West- Flanders you shake hands, no kisses, In Belgium-East Flanders you don't shake hands just kiss: 4 for family 1 for the others.

I don't have to tell you that I miss frequently and people look quite puzzled if I greet them...


I am originally from close by Antwerp and we give 3 kisses on the cheek for family or close friends. We shake hands otherwise. Men do not kiss men.


Saying farewell:
We bring people to the door, with family and friends we walk to the car/busstop and wave until we can't see them anymore.
But I doubt it is an Belgian custom ;-)


I also don't know if this is a Belgian custom, but I grew up doing the same thing and we still do here in the States. :D

[Rebookie]

Hey!!

I was just reading your post and thought it was really interesting! What would I do if I was in Switzerland and I wanted to greet someone, bUT I was a germaphobe (I am!). I can't fathom shaking hands with a lot people.. Let alone KISSING them?! Bleck! =D

[Joan in Geneva]

I was just reading your post and thought it was really interesting! What would I do if I was in Switzerland and I wanted to greet someone, bUT I was a germaphobe (I am!). I can't fathom shaking hands with a lot people.. Let alone KISSING them?! Bleck! =D

Well after the scare about Avian Influenza - they had all kinds of instructions about how to greet people without touching - but people generally ignore them (so I've forgotten them). Still since then, it might not be looked on so negatively AND if you are a foreigner - they would just attribute differences to that. It would be most important to have cheerful eye contact and acknowledgement with a head nod. Still if you could manage at least a handshake and wash afterwards - it would be good.:001_smile:

Joan