How do I come to terms with the "death" of a dream?

[melissel]

I've wanted to quit my job and be home with the girls since my first was born. We dug ourselves into a deep hole of ridiculous debt when we were younger, so I've always known that I needed to keep working while we straightened ourselves out, and I have. But I've always held in my heart the idea that, "in a year or so," we'd be in a place where I could quit my job. I knew it would mean sacrifices that I'm willing to make. DH has always said that he had that goal for me too. I knew that it's something that would have to happen in the future, but I felt like we were finally getting close to it.

Last night, I asked DH if we could start building an escape fund for me like we did for him when he was in a job he hated 6 years ago. The escape fund allowed him to quit his job to enter into real estate. He sighed, and said that he guessed we could, but he simply didn't see how I would ever be able to quit my job, with the stability that it gives us, and with him in sales.

I'm completely devastated. I hate my job--I hate doing it, I have a horrible time focusing on it, I get sick to my stomach whenever I see another report come through for me. The idea of continuing to do this, live the life we're currently living with no relief in sight, is undoing me. Now I don't even have the fantasy of a light at the end of the tunnel.

I know that he's probably right, but what I really wanted to hear, I guess, was him saying that he would do what needed to be done to make it happen, the same way I've been saying it for the last five years. I know that we two got ourselves where we are, so I know that my anger and resentment isn't (totally) founded, but I'm so upset.

How does one start working past this? I just don't know where to go from here :(

TIA.

[Remudamom]

I'm so sorry, I don't know what to tell you. Is it possible you could at least look for a job you don't hate as much?

Or maybe you should tell him feasible or not, your fund needs to be started.

[Anne]

((Melissa))

It may be a reality that you will need to continue to work - I don't know - sounds as if you and your dh need to sit down with your budget and really get on the same page together.

But it certainly doesn't have to be a reality that you must stay at a job you hate. Surely there is another job somewhere that, at a minimum, would be less stressful/distasteful/etc. If you are a praying person, I encourage you to pray over this. Turn your attention to building a new dream!

I'm sorry for the death of this dream - I'll be praying for a new one for you!!

Anne

[Pencil Pusher]

I'm so sorry, I don't know what to tell you. Is it possible you could at least look for a job you don't hate as much?

Or maybe you should tell him feasible or not, your fund needs to be started.

:iagree: What do you do? What's your background?

The idea of not being able to be home w/ the dc, when that's really what you want, is so scary. But maybe there are compromises you & your dh can make to move twd that? At least a better job? :grouphug: Oh, I hope things get better for you!!!

[melissel]

Thanks. The problem is that I don't want to do ANY job. I want to be home with the kids, so this job is as good as any. I work from home now, about 30 hours a week, but with childcare for about 7 hours a week. Any other job would take me out of the house and add commute time and clothing/meal/transportation/childcare costs, etc., or would be the end of HSing. And that's part of the problem too. DH would say that I don't NEED to HS the girls--that they could go to school, thereby relieving the stress on me. He's totally supportive of HSing, but won't make big sacrifices for it like I would. But that's not the point, and he knows it. I feel like I've sacrificed what I wanted for the girls and our family for the first years of their lives, in the hopes that I could catch up in later years. Now I'm being told that I don't get to catch up at all.

[Happy]

Oh, this hurts.

Please don't consider the conversation you just had with your husband to be the only one you will have about this. I heartily suggest that you keep talking about your goals in a gentle, persistant manner. Explain how much you dislike your job, ways to save money, ways to pay down that ugly debt (BTDT)....you know the drill. Don't give up.

AND...I'd start thinking about other options. Can you do some sort of work from home? Can you seek another job? Can you pay down some debt faster (time for a pizza delivery job for dh ala Dave Ramsey, perhaps?) so that you can pile up some money? Can you move to a smaller house? Give up a car payment? Brainstorm!

My husband is in aviation. NOT a stable industry at all. Yet, I quit my career (self-employed, work from home photographer) to devote my time to homeschooling and BEING there with our sons. We survived a 15 month period of unemployment without me working!

I don't get how your hubby gets to have his dream and you not. Sorry. In a loving marriage, each person makes sacrifices. It's his turn to support your dreams. If times were to get hard, you could always go back to a job, couldn't you?

Keep thinking and praying. Keep doing something toward your goals every day. Don't give up yet.

[melissel]

I don't get how your hubby gets to have his dream and you not. Sorry. In a loving marriage, each person makes sacrifices. It's his turn to support your dreams. If times were to get hard, you could always go back to a job, couldn't you?

This is kind of where I'm stuck, and I'm trying not to be, you know?

Oh, I also should have said that the debt is nearly paid off. That's actually what prompted the conversation. In the past six years, we've paid off $30K of debt and two cars (one new that we'll be driving forever, one used), and bought our house (five years ago). The debt will be paid off by the end of the year, at the latest. We were being all giddy about how it's nearly gone, and that's when I suggested putting the money in an escape fund instead.

[BamaTanya]

I know that feeling. It stinks. You say this is the "death of a dream." Ouch.

It is your perception of your situation. It's your dh's perception, too. But it's not true.

You can find a way around the obstacle. You and he together can find a way. If you believe, ask God to help you.

You are smart. You are resourceful. And you're stuck. But it's just temporary.

Debt is a powerful enemy, but, as you've seen, it's not invincible. You're knocking it out.

The other problems you face can be knocked out, too. It may take some creative path you've never dreamed of before, but somehow, thinking outside the box and hard work and sacrifice will bring you closer to your dream.

I don't know much about your situation and can't offer more practical suggestions, but I know that circumstances that are impossible can change.

Grieve for today if you need to, but don't give up. Keep the spark in your heart. You can talk to us when you feel discouraged. Sometimes dhs get stuck in the box, too, and can't figure out a way, but don't give up.

Praying for you!

[Pencil Pusher]

This is kind of where I'm stuck, and I'm trying not to be, you know?

Oh, I also should have said that the debt is nearly paid off. That's actually what prompted the conversation. In the past six years, we've paid off $30K of debt and two cars (one new that we'll be driving forever, one used), and bought our house (five years ago). The debt will be paid off by the end of the year, at the latest. We were being all giddy about how it's nearly gone, and that's when I suggested putting the money in an escape fund instead.

This sounds like one of those things that may take many conversations. He may not be "hearing" you, kwim?

I know my dh says things sometimes that really...hurt. There's no other way to say it. Always in time, though, we come around to saying what we mean & hearing ea other, etc. When he says those things, he's either replying to what he's *hearing* (instead of what I'm saying) or speaking to some fear he's got but hasn't voiced.

It's REALLY hard, but if you can have patience & try not to be hurt by it, it's poss. that this will still work out. I mean, you mentioned in the OP that you quitting your job was originally a goal for both of you. Maybe that has changed for him, maybe not.

It's so lonely during these times, it seems. I hope you're able to find the support & encouragement you need both here & IRL friends in the meantime. It sounds like you have done a FABULOUS job w/ your time & financial resources in the past few yrs. Sometimes achieving a goal can be as scary as it is exciting--so many new paths & choices open up. I'd say hang on to the dream. You'd hate to give up when you're in the trenches but amnesty (is that the right word for the end of a war?) is just a phonecall away. :grouphug:

[klmama]

I know there are things I've wanted, that when I first brought them up to dh, he didn't think they were a good idea or even possible for us. Over time, as I let him know again what I thought (not constantly, but occasionally), he gradually began to look for ways to make it possible. Eventually, he told me that we were going to do whatever it was. No promises, but sometimes men are so focused on (and even overwhelmed by) the reality they see that they aren't able to see other possibilities.

[Sahamamama]

that maybe your husband is reacting out of a fear that he has not yet voiced. It can be scary for a man to go from co-supporter to sole-supporter of a family. This would be particularly true for someone in commission-based employment, especially real estate, because it fluctuates so much.

However, if your husband has known all along that this is your dream (to stay home), and if he has appeared supportive of it all along, then it is not fair for him to now say that you have to let it go. If this is not some new thing you have come up with, and your husband is well-aware of your desire, then he should recognize that your desire is a beautiful thing, a noble thing -- to be home with your children while they are still young.

I asked my husband about this (what an earful I got, wow!), and he said that your husband should be willing to do whatever it takes to support his family and also support your dreams, as long as your goals are grounded in reality and are truly serving the long-term needs of your family.

Talk with your husband, and patiently share with him your heart. You probably need to tell him how much that previous conversation knocked the wind out of you -- how much it hurt. :001_huh: Listen to his heart, too, and that might take some skill on your part -- men seem to be better at sharing their brains!

Pray together. Commit your hopes, dreams, plans, fears, tasks, roles, and budget to the Lord. He will take care of you. We really hope this works out for you all.

Beth & Dave

[Rhonda in TX]

I know there are things I've wanted, that when I first brought them up to dh, he didn't think they were a good idea or even possible for us. Over time, as I let him know again what I thought (not constantly, but occasionally), he gradually began to look for ways to make it possible. Eventually, he told me that we were going to do whatever it was. No promises, but sometimes men are so focused on (and even overwhelmed by) the reality they see that they aren't able to see other possibilities.

Don't give up on your dream. Your DH may eventually come around. Keep moving forward, paying off your debt. There is a lot of time between now and the end of the year, when you would be able to start saving for your dream.

Hang in there! :grouphug:

[Doran]

What a thing to have to face. I'm sure your dh's remarks took any energy you had left for this job you don't like and sucked it all away.

I am not close enough to your financial situation to know whether what your dh said is actually true. With the economy the way it is, it may well be that he feels you won't be assured of making ends meet without some income from you. I do know my own situation. In it, I assume I will always have to work. To be honest, NOT WORKING would be just fine with me. But, I came at this from a completely different perspective than you, which was that when our first was born, I figured I'd have to put her in daycare and leave home to work. When I found a job (albeit a demanding one) that allowed me to work from home, it felt like I'd been given a huge gift. I stayed with that job for 13 years.

I only bring this up to you because I'd like to gently suggest that, just as you want your dh to be open minded about your desires, you might take a deep breath and try to come at the possibility of your need to work from a different angle. What if your work was more enjoyable? What if your work took half the time for twice the money? What if you turned all the dice out onto the table and reevaluated just what it is that YOU BOTH WANT, and what it is that YOU BOTH FEAR? Perhaps you'd find that there was more common ground there than you currently see.

It's so hard when all you can see is the death of a dream. Hard to be motivated to do anything at all. So, maybe the thing that would help is to look at it as the reshaping of a dream rather that the complete loss of one.
Maybe that would help bring a sparkle of light back into your heart.

((((Melissel)))

[Kathleen in VA]

about that unvoiced fear thing - especially since he mentioned that your job brings stability to your financial picture. Real estate is soooo up and down right now - he probably doesn't want everything to just fall apart the minute it finally seems to be working.

The only advice I have to offer is to try to get as much practical stuff written down on paper. My dh always wants to see it in black and white. He wants to see how the numbers crunch. You might even want to write down exactly what it is you want and why, followed by how you can make it work in dollars and cents. Make a 6mo plan and a 1yr plan and a 5yr plan - the point is to get it down on paper.

Sometimes writing a letter helps. Hey, you might even want to try making a power point presentation with a little bit of humor and emotion sprinkled in. I think it helps if it is not your voice but some other medium doing the communicating. It helps them to hear it in a different way. Advertisers know this and it works for them:). Putting that much effort and time into it will also communicate how much it means to you. Oh, and I just had the idea that it could be an allegorical kind of presentation about how fast children grow and how they are only little for a short time, etc. Just something to grab his attention and make your heart known.

In any case, don't give up. I've asked my husband about things and he has nixed the idea and then 6 months later he's come to me suggesting the very thing he told me no on. Go figure. We are all just human beings after all. Perhaps he read an article or overheard a conversation that made him "see the light." But, whatever it was, he changed his mind. I think time will help this situation.

Chin up, ok? (((((Melissa)))))

Kathleen in VA
www.homeschoolblogger.com/lavendersblue (http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/lavendersblue)

[E_Edgerton]

I need to first say that I have no children of my own and my DH and I have only been married 2 1/2 years. ( I am a home tutor, which is why I visit the boards) I can't tell you how much your post has effected me. Please don't give up on your dream of staying home with your children and HSing them. I feel like you are an equal member of your marriage and your conversation can't be the only one of its kind. This has to be an on-going goal for you, and for your DH. He has to respect this is what you want. I don't pretend to know what a marriage with children and all that goes into it is something I know much about, but I have to trust (for my future's sake) that your dream can't die. Keep fighting for what you want and what you know is right for your family. :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Keep paying down the debt. Have this conversation with him once the debt is paid off. It is much easier to see what the financial picture (post-debt) is going to be once you are there. He might be much more receptive at that point. Don't give up! Praying for you.:grouphug:

[mcconnellboys]

Baby girl, I think you should say to him what you just said to us.... Wishing you both great happiness in finding your dreams together,

[Queen_Zarga]

that maybe your husband is reacting out of a fear that he has not yet voiced. It can be scary for a man to go from co-supporter to sole-supporter of a family. This would be particularly true for someone in commission-based employment, especially real estate, because it fluctuates so much.

:iagree:

When you say "escape fund," do you mean that you will use this saved money to live on once you quit your job? Or do you mean an emergency fund to only be used in the event of a true emergency (e.g. prolonged job loss)?

"Sales" can be a scary word regarding employment, especially with a sole provider; however, have you looked at your DH's past year or 2 or 3 of work, divided the annual income over 12 months, and really looked at your monthly cash flow? Are you able to live on just his salary? (Ideally, would you still be able to stash $$ away in savings every month.) Without the stable paycheck of your job and with the fluctuating income from DHs sales job, you will have to work extra hard at budgeting. You would need to plan ahead for slow months and be disciplined about allocating and saving in the higher-income months.

If the fear of being the sole provider is what is keeping your husband from wanting you to stay home, do you know what would make him feel better about it? What if you show him the budget and how you can cut back more? Will he feel better with an emergency fund? How much money would need to be in the EF for him to feel better? Could you somehow keep your skills current so that *if* he was unemployed and you needed to go back to work, you could? Have you reassured him that you *would* go back to work if the family finances required it (e.g. his job loss or some large purchase you both agree you want to make)?

From what you've said, it seems like your DH really *does* support the plan you 2 have for the family, but he may just need a little more support to feel comfortable in his new role as sold provider. Knowing what I know about men (and believe me, it isn't much :tongue_smilie:), being able to provide for his family makes a man feel very proud. To fail at that is very scary for a man and his self-esteem. The more you can do to help him feel successful, the better chance you'll have of getting him to change his opinion.

Good luck to you. We need a "YOU GO GIRL!" emoticon.

[Carol in Cal.]

I recommend a good book called "Women Leaving the Workplace" by Larry Burkett. I think that it will give you both strategies and hope.

I agree with the others who said that this is just the beginning of a series of conversations. Also, do you work with a personal finance person? A lot of times you can find one who will help you look at your situation from a third party point of view, and that can really ease the conflict between the two of you. If you meet with one and tell them that you would like to have a strategy that closes on your being able to quit your job in a year, for instance, they should be able to tell you what it would take (in savings or in spending changes) to do so.

Good for you for reducing your debt! That will be valuable to you no matter how this problem works out.

[Michelle My Bell]

I wouldn't give up just yet. You have only had one conversation about it. What I personally would do is to put a workable plan down on paper for my husband. I did that once and changed his mind completely about a subject ever since. Sometimes people need to see the facts on paper.

I would go to the library and get those books that talk about becoming a stay at home mom, and start researching from there. Once I had a good plan, I would give it to my husband to read and talk about later.

Whatever you decide, let us know!
Michelle

[GVA]

You really don't know what the future holds, and you're husband saying "no" now doesn't mean "no" six months from now. Dreams only die if a situation absolutely cannot change, and this is one that could change IMHO. Nothing in life is written in stone, believe me. Sometimes we just have to make do in between...

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't get how your hubby gets to have his dream and you not. Sorry. In a loving marriage, each person makes sacrifices. It's his turn to support your dreams. If times were to get hard, you could always go back to a job, couldn't you?


I agree. It seriously hurt my heart to read about you giving your husband the support he needed to persue his dream and he won't do the same for you. In fact, he enjoys the "stability" your pay gives because it continues to allow him to work in his less stable job. Wow.

[reservejagmom]

:iagree:

If you're almost out of debt, I don't understand why you couldn't at least consider saving ahead so you could at least eventually cut back on your hours, even if you couldn't quit altogether ...

At least it might give you a chance to figure out a way to start a more enjoyable home job for you.

((( Hug )))

Carol

[summer]

I would build the escape fund and in a couple years, I would inform him that he got his time to do what he wants, it is your turn. If he does not feel safe enough in sales, then he needs to find something else..even if he hates it as much as you hate what you are doing.

Marriage is a partnership...not tyrancy.

[*anj*]

Melissa,
I'm just catching up on this thread. I'm sorry that you're going through this now. I think that you've gotten some good advice here already. I agree that this conversation doesn't have to/shouldn't be the last one on the subject. I also think that you should just keep focusing on the paying off of that debt. Once you get that weight off your shoulders you can start the next phase. And while I do think that "fair is fair" if the deal was that you would each be able to follow a dream...then that's how it should be. On the other hand, living in your area I can say that the housing market is not good right now. People aren't getting as much for their houses, it looks like more people are trying to sell without realtors, and houses are just staying on the market for a long time. My neighbors across the street had their house on the market for about 10 months, and they recently gave up and took it off. I know another woman who is relocating to NC, but had to renegotiate the relocation package because they were going to lose a lot on their NJ house, but the housing market in NC is higher than ever. So I think your dh is just feeling that stress.

But think about it, come up with a plan, consider if there are other ways you can earn money that are less demanding and take less of your time. Also, really scrutinize your budget and see if you can squeeze anything else out of it. Maybe if he sees how totally committed you are to living on less he'll start to think outside of the box more.
:grouphug:

[Danestress]

He said he didn't know how.

Show him how.

I agree with the others - this probably is far from the last conversation you are going to have about this. You brought it up, he said he didn't know how. I've done a lot of things that I didn't know how I was going do until I was part way there.

If you really really want to do it, start figuring out how, and start communicating to him the possibilities, recognizing that your dream might not be HIS drea. I'm not saying "nag him into it." I'm just saying he doesn't sound really opposed - just scared.

[ack25]

:grouphug:
Was this the post you were asking if I saw???

"Last night, I asked DH if we could start building an escape fund for me like we did for him when he was in a job he hated 6 years ago. The escape fund allowed him to quit his job to enter into real estate. He sighed, and said that he guessed we could, but he simply didn't see how I would ever be able to quit my job, with the stability that it gives us, and with him in sales. "

This has been an issue for awhile and makes me see red! You have given him so much room to grow as he wanted and now he has to let you grow in the direction that you would like to go! He did say that he "guessed" that the escape fund could be started. I say go for it. Does he get benefits now? How much would his benefits be? If you have an emergency fund set up, it will be hard, but you at least know that he is hireable. SHOULD something happen with his job, he is capable of finding another. I know I am not helping, but it *is* your turn and you are planning on going into it sensibly. ((Hugs))

[Unicorn]

I pretty much agree w/ everyone else here. Keep talking to him, and explaining how you feel. In the meantime, I would go ahead and start your emergency fund. You can open a savings account w/ as little as $5 (at my credit union anyway), or just start putting money in a coffee can or something. I know that's not much, but even a little at a time helps, and it might help you feel less resentful and hurt.

Another tip, everytime you use coupons at the store, total up what you have saved, and put that amount in your fund. Maybe that way you will at least feel like you are doing something towards your goal. Then, in a year or whenever you get the rest of the debt paid off, those contributions to yourself can get bigger. :grouphug:

HTH

[melissel]

Thank you, everyone. Once I got past the pouting, punched-in-the-gut stage, your kind words and good advice made me feel much better. You're all right, of course. I do need to take a stronger stand, and we do need to have many more conversations on the matter.

Part of me feels like I gave up a lot over the past five years because of his choice to not go back to business school and his choice to instead go into real estate. But I'm trying hard to remember that he's given up a lot too--sometimes more material things, but things that mattered to him, like travel, as well as much of his free time while he put in the effort to make certain jobs pay off (some did, some didn't). And his support of our HSing means a lot too, considering that he's had to give up even more of me--something he thought he'd regain a little when the kids started school and I could work freely during the day. And he generally doesn't complain.

I'm sure you're right that he's scared, and I don't disagree that he should be. Stepping off that particular financial cliff is pretty scary, especially considering what our last few years have been like, employment-wise. I guess maybe I was looking for him to be more positive about it, to keep my fires stoked for the difficult life we're living these days :(

Interestingly, I was forgetting that I am the one in charge of the finances in this house :D I can put as much or as little into my escape fund (oh, and yes, that is the emergency fund that would carry us through the periods when income didn't meet outgo) as I want! When September/October comes, he'll be getting two big commission checks. I think when that happens, I'm going to start trying to bank my salary and limit us to living on his, which we've never actually done before. I'll see how long we can keep that going, and then we'll go from there.

Thank you all. I'm bookmarking this thread so I can come back and keep myself pepped up!

[*anj*]

I think when that happens, I'm going to start trying to bank my salary and limit us to living on his, which we've never actually done before. I'll see how long we can keep that going, and then we'll go from there.

Thank you all. I'm bookmarking this thread so I can come back and keep myself pepped up!

Great news, Melissa.
Sometimes you just need a few days to digest everything, or at least I do.
I think you're being really reasonable. And the part I quoted above is an excellent idea! :001_smile: