*need advice* If your son watched The Matrix Reloaded when he slept over...

[StacyWithFourRugrats]

at a friend's house, what would you do? Both our boys slept over at a friends house last night and they are almost 8 yo and almost 6 yo's. Apparently this morning they watched The Matrix Reloaded in the morning by themselves. Their friend, according to them, skipped over the scary parts. Luckily from their description and our questions, they did not watch the dancing scene (if you have seen this movie, that is one bright spot I guess).

This is NOT a movie they would have been allowed to watch in this house, even if we edited it. It is not a movie that can be edited enough for children' their age to watch. We do allow them to watch some PG-13 movies with supervision and editing, but we are watching it with them and it is our choice. (ie Star Wars movies and Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark, Rent and the *possibility* of an R movie - one of the before mentioned might be R, can't be sure)

What would you do? This friend will be moving in a few months and his mom and me are friends. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming she did not know they were watching it.

1) Talk to her and mention that this type of movie is not appropriate for my children, asking that she keep a better eye. (not overly keen on this choice as she is a good mother but does let her children do things I would never let mine do)

2) Let it pass and don't mention it as it was probably just a one-off thing and won't happen again, especially since they will be moving soon.

3) Something else...

[Mx5]

I'd call up the friend and tell her the boys mentioned the movie they watched. Then I'd wait for her reaction. If she didn't react, then I'd just let her know that I have a family rule that my kids aren't allowed to watch anything with a higher rating than PG at any friends' houses... that the kids need to call me first before watching anything even PG-13.

Then I'd use this as a training tool with the kids, to tell them they need to call you before watching anything without your approval. Teach them how to check the ratings on the DVD boxes, if they don't already know how to do this.

[Lady Katherine]

You can't undo what has been done, but you can keep it from happening again.

[j.griff]

I wouldn't mention it to her. You know that she does allow things you don't allow, and you chose to let your dc spend the night in her home. It's a done deal, talking about it will only offend her. If you don't want your dc to be exposed to things like this, you should state that up front before letting any dc spend time in another persons home without you- or just not let your dc spend such time in another persons home. I would never think of imposing my standards on someone else just because my dc are present. IF there were something that I was aware of going on in their home, that is not acceptable to me: I would choose to not leave my children there without me at all.

ETA: ITA with MX5 about instructing your dc in what is acceptable, and place the burden on them instead of on your dc's friends parents.

[WTMCassandra]

I watch very few movies, but DH asked me to watch this with him a few weeks ago. Well. It's a good thing they didn't watch the dancing scene. It was very weird and slowed down, interspersed with a s*x scene of two of the main characters.

As for this question, the first thing *I* thought of was what to do to help the boy who watched it. I'd like to address that before you address how to deal with the friend's mom.

Is your boy prone to nightmares? I'd watch out for that--not from the violence so much as for all of the weird and scary images of that "world." Fortunately (?), the violence is so bizarre and otherworldly that it really isn't even scary. (And I'm not the type to say that lightly.) There's SO MUCH of it in the second movie, though.

Since he's already seen it and the damage is done, I'd have a long talk with him about how the movie and guns are sooooo not real. You don't want him to get this invincible idea that people can shoot strings of bullets at one another and no one really gets hurt. In our home, we would've also talked about the implications of the "good guys" wearing black, but that may not be a big deal to you

The end is pretty surreal, and the implications are pretty scary for an adult, but I think it will go over your boy's head.

The darkness, the despair, the violence, all of these would be my main concerns in trying to help my son process this experience. And then I would get pretty torqued at the mom, and then I would breaattthhhhe before I talked to her.

So.

I *would* mention it to the Mom, but I would try to be somewhat offhand about it when I bring it up. Like, "Hey, x, were you aware that the boys watched Matrix Reloaded when they were together?" Use the reaction to that statement to gauge where you go with the conversation.

If she is clueless, you could say, "That's not a movie I would choose for my son at this age. Can we stay away from those kinds of movies when we're together?" If she's contrite, then you can say how you've talked and processed it through with your own son and suggest she do likewise. If she's defensive, thinks you're strange, gets made, or otherwise starts crazy-making, I would quietly "not be able to make it" if she suggests any more overnights before the move. Or, you could offer to do it at your house instead.:D

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this in a young child.

P.S. We have the original Matrix because we like to dialogue about the philosophical implications. But we keep it out of the reach of children, they don't know we own it, and we would never dream of letting them watch it. But this movie we decided to resell.

[WTMCassandra]

Sorry--that smiley next to the post was a mistake when I was trying for the smiley within the post toward the end. Sorry!!!! I don't anyone to misunderstand.

[Sharon in SC]

I would use it as a teaching tool for my children, helping them to learn what I would like for them to from the experience. I have found that experiences like the one you've described were learning experiences for me as well. I've come away from times like these with a greater appreciation for the fact that I cannot assume that other homes, which at face value carry similar convictions as our own regarding matters such as these, are going to use the exact same criteria for what is permissable to be viewed, listened to, etc. It is for this reason that I have purposed to teach my kids to always ask themselves the question: "Would Mommie, Daddy, or Jesus want me to be watching this?" If the answer is no, then, my kids are instructed to 1) request something else be viewed or, if the host/hostess is not amenable to that, 2) remove themselves from the room. I realize your kids are on the younger side but this is a foundation I have laid down for my girls from early on so that by the time they were old enough to process/implement this they were equipped to do so.

Honestly, I don't think I've ever felt compelled to approach the parents of a home where my girls were exposed to something I'd preferred they not be I guess, primarily, because I felt the onus fell primarily on ME for permitting the visit. Of course, if the exposure were great enough, I'd certainly make the mental note to not permit a visit to that home again. :-P Except for that, though, I just purpose to reinforce the teaching described above. Thankfully, I have girls that have been faithful to do this. If I had a child that was overly tempted and not likely to comply with the above then their freedom for outside visits would be minimal, for obvious reasons.

HTH in some way, Sharon

[momofkhm]

I have a friend who allows some movies at younger ages than we do. (Action adventure type) I allow movies that she doesn't. (movies where clothing is not to her specifications of modest) Both of us are fine with the other's choices. We don't make each other feel bad. It's just as simple as "oh, my boys said they watched the Matrix Reloaded at your house the other day. That's not a movie we'd allow them to watch."

[KristineIN]

Not sure what I would do, but hugs. A friend of mine from where I grew up and I only see her about once a year, we have daughters the same age, when I was there and Anna was about 5, her daughter wanted to watch The Mummy, because it was her favorite movie! :eek: We are lenient on what we let our kids watch, but they have not seen the Matrix series and will not be watching it until they are WAY older. Sorry you are having to deal with this. They haven't seen The Mummy yet either, I have a hard time with movies like that.

Kristine

[Shannon831]

I would say something. It is common sense to not show a pg 13 movie to another person's 8 and 6 yo's, even if you do allow your own kids. Further more, if you feel like you MUST show the movie, it's common sense to ask the kid's parents. She needs to know that she will be held accountable for her choices when taking on the care of another person's child.

Personally, I would not let my kids stay over again. MAYBE, if you did talk to her, she could handle having them over again, knowing that she would have to make better choices. But if you don't choose to talk to her about it, things will happen again. That's not a risk that I would take. Her lack of common sense would make me hesitate to have her watch my kids in general. JMHO,

[Ferdie]

I would train your kids not to watch a PG-13 movie without your permission. Next time they need to call you and ask permission first.

This can can happen on play dates too, not just sleep overs, so your kids need to be prepared. As your kids get older there may be issues with video games too. Many parents, as much as I respect them, don't supervise enough so you need to let your children know what your family boundaries are.

[Robin in Tx]

If they are getting ready to move anyway I wouldn't say a thing. It's not worth it, imo. I wouldn't let my kids sleep over there again, or if the opportunity to do so was unavoidable I would say something then (just tell her that your kids aren't allowed to watch any movies that you haven't approved). But if she's moving away, I don't know what the point of saying something now would be, except to let her know you're ticked off, and that just burns bridges in situations like this, imo. If this was someone that you foresee having this sort of contact with for quite some time, then my answer might be different (but even then I wouldn't say anything until my kids went over again... just a friendly, "Hey, they watched something without my permission last time, and even though they know better, I would appreciate your help in making sure they don't try to pull that one again.").

Robin

[Amy in Orlando]

I wouldn't say anything. One of my sons has a friend who has always been allowed to watch anything. Our rule is that they have to call before they watch something above PG-13 (they're teens now - it was PG when they were young). Also, in the instance of this one friend, I'd always just stop at Blockbuster and rent a movie or game that was acceptable to our family and take it and some popcorn or something with us when my son slept over there.

[WTMindy]

I'm a meany! I don't let my kids watch any movies or shows without my permission. If they are at a friend's house, they have to call me before they watch anything that they haven't already seen. They know they would be in big trouble if they didn't call and ask. ;) But, I wouldn't hold the mom responsible for it, and if you hadn't already told your kids your preferences I wouldn't fault them either. I would (like others have said) use it as a teaching time. I'm sorry this happened.