Family issue - mad mil - what would you do?

[luv2read]

Oh my.........(I'll try to keep this short as possible)

Mil came to our "warm" state and spent Feb. and March. She stayed in an appt. and we saw her alot.

So mil leaves and she has an 80th b-day at the end of June. She has 4 kids including my dh. Well my sil decided it would be nice to have a family get-together for mil b-day a month before her b-day.. This event would be in sil city. Everyone would stay in hotels, rent cars etc.

Well the other two of mil kids decided to take their families to this get-together. They are staying 3 days.

DH got to checking and for the 4 of us to fly it would run $549 each or 2,200 plus hotel plus car plus, plus, plus. We figured it would easily run 4,000 to 5,000 for the 3 days. So dh decided just to go alone. He felt like he had to be there for her 80th. But, the kids and I would stay home.

It was fine because dd also is taking summer school. But they all want dh to bring ds who is 7 and he told them "no" he was coming alone. Then they started saying they felt sorry for ds that he would me missing out on so much fun because they were going to the zoo and water park. They kind of think he is already missing out because all of their kids are in ps and we do hs.

For starters we don't want to spend that much money, plus mil was just here for 2 months. But none of them understand why since dd has summer school that dh is not taking ds (7). His mom, sister and brother have called her 4 times since yesterday.

Dh just wants to go be there for his mom b-day and come home. He does not want to spend this much over 3 days when we can drive to CA as a family and not spend that much in 2 weeks.

Do you all understand? I do not understand WHY they can't just be happy he is coming and not continue to question why we are not coming.

Do we sound like party poopers here? I just don't understand why they keep pressuring us.

Sorry for rambling,
luv2read





Well mil, and the rest of the family are not happy that we are not going.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I would do just what you are doing. If this was the only opportunity to visit her, then try to go. But you did just spend 2 months with her. And the cost is very great. It wouldn't make sense to me to do that. Some people just don't understand when others make sensible choices (IMHO). Sorry they are giving you a hard time.

[Ohio12]

I think you are definitely doing the right thing. It seems as though SIL should have checked with you before making all these plans and then expecting you to show up. I don't know what your money situation is, but we could never spend that kind of money for 3 days. I hate when family does not understand. That is a terrible feeling.

[WTMCassandra]

I'm sorry you're having to endure this. (((luv2read and DH)))

I think you folks are totally within your bounds. I think they should either accept your decision or pay for DS7's expenses! However, sometimes DHs feel demeaned by someone else providing, so them paying might not sit well with your DH.

I would stop answering the phone. And I would let DH decide if he wants to return the calls. I would get out of the middle of this one.

I pray for strength for you and DH. You are not crazy or mean.

[Danestress]

that the aunts and uncles really want to see your son? In some families, being aunt/uncle/niece/nephew is a really really big deal. Others go for years without seeing these "extended" family members. Maybe they are frustrated because they really want a relationship with your son and to them that seems like a priority?

But either way, they aren't playing fair, especially by telling your son what all he's missing. That's just not okay.

I think I would just leave it to DH, though. My DH has no siblings (should I be happy about that?) and a mother whom I adore and feel very close to. But I always see that the conventional wisdom is that you just let the person handle it who is from that family. But I would find it very annoying - sorry you are having to deal with this.

[Night Elf]

Have you guys told them how much money it would cost? I'd be upfront and tell them you simply do not have $5000 for a trip right now.

If your DH is going alone, where is he staying? Would the cost increase alot if he were to take your son? Would your other kids be bothered if your son was the only one to go with his dad? While you guys spent time with your MIL recently, maybe the rest of the family was looking forward to spending time with your family. Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

[Amy in Orlando]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. We went through many events like this with my inlaws. No one seemed to appreciate how expensive it is for many people to travel and stay somewhere. My mil always favored my oldest son and would ask dh to bring him along. We never agreed b/c oldest dh is so close in age to his next youngest brothers. They would have noticed and felt hurt. If there had been a LARGE age difference between my kids, I might have felt differently, but I don't know. I have always resented dh's family's style of bullying.

I think you guys have made a smart decision and should stick with it.

[luv2read]

Thank you so much. It's really not them wanting to spend time with ds. One family lives 5 minutes from us and the other 1 hour.
Thanks,
Luv2read

[3lilreds in NC]

My response, after all the times you've told them that ds is not coming with dh, would be to tell them that it is no longer open for discussion. I've had to say that exact thing often to my MIL. When she doesn't get her own way, she will keep asking and get progressively more obnoxious about it. If they continue, tell them that you've made the best decision for your family and they don't have to like it but they do have to respect it and you're not going to talk about it anymore.

And - dh is the one who should have these conversations with them. Somehow, dh and I can tell his mother the exact same thing, but she gets upset when I say it and handles it just fine when he does.

I agree with everyone else - you're perfectly within your rights to pass. It's great that your dh can be there and they should be happy with that.

[WTMCassandra]

My response, after all the times you've told them that ds is not coming with dh, would be to tell them that it is no longer open for discussion. I've had to say that exact thing often to my MIL. When she doesn't get her own way, she will keep asking and get progressively more obnoxious about it. If they continue, tell them that you've made the best decision for your family and they don't have to like it but they do have to respect it and you're not going to talk about it anymore.

And - dh is the one who should have these conversations with them. Somehow, dh and I can tell his mother the exact same thing, but she gets upset when I say it and handles it just fine when he does.

I agree with everyone else - you're perfectly within your rights to pass. It's great that your dh can be there and they should be happy with that.

:iagree: