Anyone done family counseling

[Cadam]

with their kids? There is just so much family stress due to the kids special needs and behavioral issues. The relationship between my oldest two could be characterized as hostile. I called my medical/ insurance today (Kaiser) and man it all makes me feel so strange and defensive. I have to go to some group meeting where they tell me about the options exc. The meeting conflicts with my 2yo's little gymnastics class that she loves and I know that doesn't sound like a big thing but it is the only thing we do just for her little self.

I would prefer to find a therapist who is a PsyD. and most of their therapists are master's level. I know there is nothing wrong with that but I am more comfortable with the PsyD. I would like to find someone who shares at least a similar world view and values. I feel like it is going to be impossible to trust the advice of someone who sees life completely differently from me. kwim?

I really don't need someone who is going to tell me to put them in school, that time outs are the only way to parent and that all my dd needs is "consistency". What I need is someone to help my kids express and heal their feelings and relationship to one another. When I have discussed this stuff with the temperament nurse (a really nice lady btw) I am already doing everything she would recommend.

The whole system makes me feel all hostile and defensive. I wish we had gone with different insurance! This was so much cheeper though, I guess I know why.

It's not like they are going to magically make dd's behavior problems disappear. Can they really help at all?

[Laurie4b]

Family therapists are predominately social workers or folks with masters in "marriage and family therapy." You won't find as many pyschologists in the mix, nor will it matter. What matters in a therapist is their ability to empathize with you, their experience & skill, and a certain "chemistry." I would totally not worry about the masters degree vs. PsyD.

The rest of what you say, however, is the kind of stuff that matters. While therapists are trained to keep their biases to themselves, some don't recognize something like "I think kids are better off in public school" as a bias. When we had a very difficult foster child, we definitely looked for someone who "didn't think parenting was about time outs and stickers on charts." We had one difficult fellow on our hands, and we went to, and got help from, a masters level therapist who had adopted a child at age 7 and was his 14th placement. She knew exactly what we were dealing with. She also shared our faith and values.

I have known people who got real help from people with different values, but those therapists were also able to keep their values neutral during therapy and honor the client's values and decision-making ability.

Yes, it is scary to reveal yourselves to a stranger, but you can always stop if it doesn't work.

[MicheleB]

I agree with Laurie. Sometimes the therapy helps for a while and then you realize you've tapped out everything you're going to with that therapist and it's time to move on.

We did therapy with our eldest when she was first dxed with generalized anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder. At the time, she was in public school, so there was no conflict there. The therapist helped a lot in behavioral management, etc. However, when I began broaching the homeschooling subject, she (and actually her boss) were totally against it. When we decided to homeschool, we stopped therapy. But it all worked out well as we were at a point that it was OK to stop (we'd gone for over a year). And some of the issues we were in therapy for ceased to exist once we homeschooled anyway.

All that to say, sometimes a therapist is good "for a season".

I would actually ask in my first interview: What are your views about homeschooling? Our family doctor recently recommended a therapist for dd and I asked our doctor outright about their homeschooling views (didn't want to get into a situation like I mentioned above). The doctor's response was that she hoped they would keep their view to themselves if they didn't agree with it, but we all know that's not always the case. So asking up front never hurts.

[Jen in DE]

I agree that it can be helpful, and asking questions is a good way to start. We have been in family therapy on two separate occassions, in two different states. We found that it is very important to state up front that homeschool is part of the family dynamic, and is not on the table for discussion of changing to public. Then they know where you stand, and you can work on the real issues at hand.
Jen

[summer]

I find little point in counseling now and do not bother to recommend it, unless I think someone has such problems and cannot see it and perhaps someone on the outside can come in unbiased and help. Perhaps if your older children need someone on the outside to back you up then I could see it. But frankly, my experience with counselors is they take a number of psych type classes, then come in with their personal opinions (like Dear Abby, only they have not been under public scrutiny for the last 50 yrs to weed the bad ones out). Most counselors seem to go in to the field because they have had problems themselves so this seems like a perfect fit. There will be a few good ones, and then the other 80-90% who do nothing for you but take your money, time, and frustrate you.

I have tried a few therapists through the years. One turned out to be an aquaintance of the person I was suing for wrongful death of my son and when she found out who I was suing, acted more like a defensive gossipy person. And she came highly recommended. A couple were nice, but more like visiting with friends. One was very good. One, a marital counselor, had had a nasty divorce with a woman who he apparently said was just like me....right down to my La Leche League involvement. He made it clear how he felt about his exwife and how I was just like her. (right down to remarks that people who breastfeed just do it to be selfish and such). The rest of the counselors I have ever seen were equally as bad. I had one counselor ever that was helpful...ever. And I did not see him on a long term basis because he switched jobs after our first visit. But he really made an impact in that one.

Also, if you do the counseling, you would be best off finding someone who has your same religious beliefs. There is a high chance you will end up with someone who is anti-homeschool. Counseling majors tend to be very socialist type in thinking, not all, but many.

Good luck! (I would recommend just getting books on parenting relating to the specific problems you are having).

[Cadam]

My biggest issue is how to improve the relationship between my 2 oldest children. Basically my son hates my daughter. He can not even bring himself to be kind to her without it being required.

example: ds is getting a cup from the cupboard while we are all at the table getting a snack. Dd says "D can you get me a cup too?". Ds completely ignored her until I told him he was required to answer verbally. Then he said "get it yourself" and dh told ds to get the cup for his sister since he was standing there with the cupboard open getting himself a cup.

In his defense she is very challenging most of the time and it is not unusual that he casually pass by her and she shoves him for "getting in her way". She is getting much better but still has major behavioral issues and he is just a 10 yo boy. "Getting better" does not translate into a healed relationship from his pov.

I have pretty much read every parenting book out there and tried them. Our plan is to consistently keep doing what we are doing now for dd. However, I don't know how to make their relationship better. How do you help the siblings of SN kids? Are there books out there for the siblings? How do you get them to understand the differences in expectations and deal with the behavioral problems, not feel abandoned by their parents when the SN child takes up a good deal of everyone's time and energy?

[NCW]

I don't know what special needs issues exactly your family is dealing with, but I found the suggestions in Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish extremely helpful. It's full of exercises for the kids to work through their issues with each other, getting mom and dad as much out of the way (more like facilitator) than anything.

And there are Christian counselors out there (if that's what you're looking for) - two of my college friends went on to school to get degrees in counseling. I think if you screen them you are likely to be able to find someone. I'm not sure, but I think some churches offer counseling as well. You could also check around for groups that could help - sometimes hospitals or clinics offer sibling groups or parenting skills groups for children with special needs.

hths,
NCW

[Twinmom]

I'm both a family therapist (master's degree in social work) and have sought family therapy for a special needs child (in fact, just finished tx today!). It is definitely helpful, and made a huge difference in both our SN child and the rest of the kiddos by extension! I encourage you to give it a try.

I agree that you need to find the right person, however. As you go into this, see yourself as a consumer rather than as a patient. Ask questions, keep looking until you find the right fit, don't hesitate to make your values known, etc. IMO, too many people see a therapist as an authority figure and accept what they say without question. You are as much a consumer of services with a therapist as you are when you go to the grocery store...if you don't like what you see, move on to another "store!" Don't let insurance dictate who you see unless you are satisfied. There are almost always options for out of network benefits.

One caveat to that, however...once you find what you are looking for, there will be times when the advice given may be uncomfortable. That's not the time to cut and run, provided that you have established a trusting relationship beforehand. It is a therapist's job to help you change whatever is bothering you...so, there will always be some change required on your part unless you want to be stuck where you are. It should be change that fits with your values and comes from a trusted individual, but you will still need to be willing to change.

Don't worry about Master's level vs. Ph.D. Many Ph.Ds move out of therapy and into management, research, or medication management, depending upon the field. Some of the best, most experienced therapists are at the Master's level for that reason...they wanted to be a therapist, trained for it and stuck to the job! I'd be cautious about anyone below a Master's level, however, and make sure you choose someone who has been at it for a while...not an intern!

Good luck, hang in there and believe it can get better. It did for us!

[summer]

I have serious in depth talks with my children, privately, one-on-one over these issues. They do improve. I do not tolerate rude or bad behavior by any of my children. But I have no problem with stopping the world to pull a child in to a room to discuss things privately and just say this or that is not acceptable. I will be understanding and caring during the conversation, but firm. I never allow even tones of voice that are unacceptable. I do allow them to express their feelings, but direct them to do it in a productive way. During the private conversation, I emphasize family values and the fact that in 20 yrs from now, your sister (or brother) will still be here, but friend outside of the family probably won't and so on. I am very stern about it too.

[Cadam]

I have serious in depth talks with my children, privately, one-on-one over these issues. They do improve. I do not tolerate rude or bad behavior by any of my children. But I have no problem with stopping the world to pull a child in to a room to discuss things privately and just say this or that is not acceptable. I will be understanding and caring during the conversation, but firm. I never allow even tones of voice that are unacceptable. I do allow them to express their feelings, but direct them to do it in a productive way. During the private conversation, I emphasize family values and the fact that in 20 yrs from now, your sister (or brother) will still be here, but friend outside of the family probably won't and so on. I am very stern about it too.

Summer, This sounds wonderful, seriously , really wonderful. I am not being at all snippy when I say that if I did this I would spend the whole day in a room with my 6 yo and nothing would change. It makes me so sad to type this but it is true. All of the talking in the world isn't going to fix this. Just this evening she really wanted milk but I insisted that she ask in a polite way.[ "may I please have milk" rather than "I hate you, you better give me milk right now...." all the while throwing things] She screamed on the floor that she "just couldn't do it" for an hour, once I got her attention refocused on something else it took her another 30 min. to ask for milk politely. This is my world and tones of voice are down the list a bit yet.

[nitascool]

Our family has been in therapy since December of 2007. We began counsel because our oldest was having behavior problems related to Homeschooling and me. We made it clear that even with the hsing issues that we were having we did not want to be pressured to mainstream him.

When I called the therapist I asked him a few basic questions and we agreed to have ds's IQ tested (because some of the issues where school related) and to have a screening to decide if we wanted to have him as our son's therapist. Later we found that when he does counseling he does most of it with the parent. Dealing with underlying issues in the parenting process. And yes that does mean finger pointing (the role we play in their problems).

But he also discusses ways to change that within the framework of our own parenting belief system. And he also is quick to point out area's that are entirely our child's doing... such as the Cognitive issues our ds has. These are things we can really only assist in... we can't really change them.

Here are the questions I asked the therapist.

What is your experience with gifted children?
What is your experience with special needs children?
What is your experience with anger management issues?
How does your belief system play a role in your counseling?
Do you have gifted/special needs children of your own?
What is your take on medicating children?

All his answers to these questions were satisfactory to us.

We chose to intentionally not get a advertised "Christian" counselor because we had already gone that route and been unhappy with the results. But our therapist knows about our religious convictions and issues, and has made it clear that he has no intention on crossing any lines in that area.

He actually feels that homeschooling our children... though it creates some unique problems (including the old socialization issue) is academically better for both my school age boys who are ahead academically, but have behavior problems due to CPD and SPD.

Because he deals a lot with underachieving gifted children he knew all to well where our two boys would be placed in the educational totem pole and agreed that sending them to school would just exacerbate the behavior issues.

Therapy has been helpful, but by all means not a fix-all.