Child being exceptionally hard on himself

[Mom2legomaniacs]

My little guy can break your heart. He takes things so hard. When he makes mistakes, as perceived by himself to be a mistake, he really takes it so hard. Even if I am not upset with him, he thinks I am. He just gets upset with himself for so many little things sometimes. Sometimes, he can let them roll off. Other times, not so much.

Any ideas for helping him to work through these moments?

Just now, I asked him if he had brushed his teeth. He said Yes. Then about 5 seconds later, No. He really beat himself up over it. He knows that lying is wrong. I didn't get mad. I just calmly tried to figure out why he said that. He didn't know. He is taking it so hard! It is coming from inside of him, not from us. (btw, I take things hard too, but I don't react like that! most of mine is in my head so the kids don't really see that) I explained why it is important to care for your teeth and why lying about it, even for a split second is not good. I didn't dwell on the lie. He did though. From the second it popped out. It does show he has a great conscience but I don't want him to be so intense. He needs to move on, you know. Lying is not a pattern for him at all. Occasionally he will say something, and then follow up with an I'm just kidding. He is learning about the differences between joking and kidding and lying, so I expect a little experimentation in order to discern where the lines are.

Given that I often internalize and take things hard, it is difficult for me to see how to help other than trying to remain calm. Having a nice discussion with him without berating him. Any ideas?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't know your theological orientation but in our house my children "tell God their naughty things". Then they know that things are right with God (getting things right with me is sometimes more difficult!) It really eases their feelings of guilt.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I just had another conversation with him about it all. I asked him what was upsetting him. He said that he made a mistake. I asked if he thought I was mad. He said yes. I said do I look or sound mad?

He said I did not. I assured him I was not mad. I was sad that he was so upset though. I had him repeat some things after me about that.

I said Oops, I made a mistake. I shouldn't do that again. I will try not to do that again. I forgive myself, because we all make mistakes.

He is better now. But boy, he sure does take it hard sometimes!

I'll bring up talking out the issues with God to see if that will help him too. He knows that God forgives so maybe that will make him realize that he should forgive himself!

[Tammyla]

Melissa, I'm no expert and don't know how old your ds is. However, your question was kind of vague...I can see where a young kid would answer yes without thinking and then realize...Oh, you mean did I brush my teeth this morning...No...

My ds can be hard on himself and modeling/noting my mistakes (and dh's) has opened his eyes as he's matured. I do think they want to be perfect, and often look at their parents and others that way. Anyway, I think you are on the right track.:grouphug:

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Melissa, I'm no expert and don't know how old your ds is. However, your question was kind of vague...I can see where a young kid would answer yes without thinking and then realize...Oh, you mean did I brush my teeth this morning...No...

My ds can be hard on himself and modeling/noting my mistakes (and dh's) has opened his eyes as he's matured. I do think they want to be perfect, and often look at their parents and others that way. Anyway, I think you are on the right track.:grouphug:

Thanks. It is vague, because it is hard to describe. Ds is turning 7 next month. He is a perfectionist by nature. He did tell me that he just didn't want to brush then, he wanted to go outside.

I try to emphasize my mistakes and laugh about some of them. Oh, silly me, I win the dropsy award today! And Yippee! I get Mrs. Clumsy award!

He is so smart and so hard on himself. He will ask a question. If the answer is no, he gets mad at himself for even asking! We NEVER get upset with him for things like that. It is all coming from him! We try to tell him that he should ask questions. How is he supposed to read our thoughts? He needs to ask. He's just intense about things and wants to be perfect. I understand ( I always had that in me too -- never reached it of course;) )

I would love to see him be able to do what I couldn't do as a child: be flawed without fear of repercussion, be loved even if you make mistakes, learn how to forgive yourself.

[Cedarmom]

Something someone advised me to do with my son which has helped, is to process some of my thoughts (I am a perfectionist too ) out loud. For instance if I forgot to do something instead of thinking it to my self I would say, " Oh I forgot to empty the garbage.. how could I do that.....well I guess we all do that.. oh well...I''ll do it now,'" . This also helped me to be kinder to myself. I also laughed at myself and the mistakes I made. Learning to laugh at our mistake is good medicine for a perfectionist. I think , (hope) that my son seeing me learn to be easier on myself has helped him.

Cedarmom

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Something someone advised me to do with my son which has helped, is to process some of my thoughts (I am a perfectionist too ) out loud. For instance if I forgot to do something instead of thinking it to my self I would say, " Oh I forgot to empty the garbage.. how could I do that.....well I guess we all do that.. oh well...I''ll do it now,'" . This also helped me to be kinder to myself. I also laughed at myself and the mistakes I made. Learning to laugh at our mistake is good medicine for a perfectionist. I think , (hope) that my son seeing me learn to be easier on myself has helped him.

Cedarmom

I am trying to do this as well. Now I will try to be even more conscientious about it. Good advice. THanks!