Why are kids birthday parites so BIG?

[Julie Smith]

My sons birthday is coming up this month, he will be turning 4. We are planning to have a party at home. On Thursday afternoons I usually have over some of his 'friends'. At this time we will have cupcakes and sing happy birthday.

I warned the caregivers of his 'friends' that this will be happening. All his 'friends' will color him a pretty picture that morning.

We have a fun basement (http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11566&highlight=basement+slide). I'm planning to set up some tents and fill them with balloons. I'm going to make everyone a balloon hat to take home.

My son wants for his birthday; socks, underwear, and a bag with wheels that he can also wear on his back. He also wants to go shopping at the thrift store with Gramma and pick out 4 'things'. I am planning to get him a marble run game.

My niece (turning 4) and nephew (turning 5) have birthday coming up in June and July. They are renting a playland for one party and still undecided for the other party. They are inviting 15+ kids to each party. And then they are also have a family party. My niece and nephew will have at least 15 friend parties EACH to go to this year.

For some reason I am considered strange. My son is strange for not having a long list of presents he wants. Lots of my family are trying to convince me to do something more SPECIAL, more FANCY, more EXPENSIVE. I'm getting tired of passing the bean dip! I feel like the only sane person in my extended family.

[Happy2bhome]

I don't know why . :confused: Just keep on keepin' on....your little boy sounds very sweet.

[Rebecca in TN]

You and your son are not strange. I totally agree with keeping birthdays low budget. It can be done and the attendees will still have fun. My dd's always had just a few friends over for parties and we always came up with mostly free and fun ideas. I think your plan sounds great....stick to it!

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

For some reason I am considered strange. My son is strange for not having a long list of presents he wants. Lots of my family are trying to convince me to do something more SPECIAL, more FANCY, more EXPENSIVE. I'm getting tired of passing the bean dip! I feel like the only sane person in my extended family.

Smile and nod, girl, just smile and nod. Say, "Thanks for the advice. This is really working out well right now for our family." Repeat as necessary.

IS it working for your family? If it is, why in the world would you want to change it? And they are simply being silly to want you change.

If you think they're feeling threatened, just compliment them on their organizational skills and their blowout birthday party. Tell them how clever their children are for thinking of so many presents. Tell them how dedicated they are for doing what they feel is best for their children.

The trick is to be sincere when you say it. :)

[Cheryl in NM]

I think your idea sounds great! I did the playland parties a few times. Then we did them at our house and at a park once. The kids had fun at every single party. The one at the park and the ones at our house were the ones ds liked the best. Don't stress about it! I think society is just getting too materialistic.

[MakingScrapbooks]

Stick with what works for your family. We keep our parties small, even though everyone around us seems to go crazy with expensive ones. Do what works for you! :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

We have avoided the birthday "one upmanship" game. And all the kids who come to our parties have a blast. I guess when you are the only family doing the musical chairs, pin-the-tail on the donkey, etc. it becomes pretty novel!

[snickelfritz]

is for simplicity. When it's at our house: I clean up before, clean up after kids during the party and cringe while their parents let them run all over the house with icing and drinks, and then clean up after the party is over. Then, I fall in bed exhausted with only dim memories of the time that my child had. And this is just for a family party. If I could disinvite the aunts and uncles, it would probably be much simpler.

We've never even had friends included in the mix, which will probably change this year. I'd much rather just pay money to have it somewhere else so that *I* can enjoy my own child's party.

Many of those places will do it all for you. That's tempting.

[Danestress]

I have a hard time just inviting a few kids and leave the others out. If neighborhood kids were invited, they were typically ALL invited including older and younger siblings of both genders. I just can't stand to hurt a child's feelings.

We had a big big "pirate party" at our house when the twins turned four. Half the world was invited. Then for their next two birthdays, we had a big holiday themed parties (they have December birthdays). Then one year we just had a spend the night, which meant I could at least only invite boys.

Last year we actually went to Disney because it seemed easier:)

I have never rented a party place or paid big bucks for the location. Our parties have been at our home but it's SO much work that I blame no one who wants to rent out Chuckee Cheese, cheesy as it is, and just have the party there. I also blame no one who has no party at all. I don't think they are mandatory. Just family is fine too, and we did that for the first three years and will do it again as they boys get older.

But that's a perspective on why parties are sometimes too big. I would just be so upset if my child's birthday hurt another's child's feelings.

[Julie Smith]

I guess I'm just 'tired' of complimenting them on the BIG parties. Well its considered that I'm doing something wrong for not going along with it all. As if I'm denying my ds of something important for my own selfish reasons.

Considering the people involved in my family (brother, sister-in-law, niece, nephew) I just want to ask: Aren't you worried that you can honestly say you ds would be sad/disappointed/angry if he didn't get over 300 dollars worth or presents? Aren't you worried about where this behavior is heading? Have you given this any thought?

I'm tired of being the odd-ball and would just like a friend/family to come over on party day, and have what I consider a perfectly nice little child birthday party.

[Brenda in FL]

IConsidering the people involved in my family (brother, sister-in-law, niece, nephew) I just want to ask: Aren't you worried that you can honestly say you ds would be sad/disappointed/angry if he didn't get over 300 dollars worth or presents? Aren't you worried about where this behavior is heading? Have you given this any thought? .

We have a similar situation with our extended family. (Minus the pressure to do the same with our kids). The oldest cousins are now 10 so - I've been where you are and can tell you how it looks 6 years later.

First - it will probably be several years before your kids are aware that their cousins get more gifts than they do. At that time it will be easier to talk to them about the difference in your family values.

Second - you may be pleasantly surprised by their reactions when they do notice. We spent Christmas morning with the whole family for the first time last year. Our kids get three gifts from us (no Santa). All their cousins get tons and tons of gifts. We talked to them ahead of time about attitude and not getting jealous and being happy with the really good gifts they would be getting, etc. They did feel a bit of jealousy - but they didn't let it ruin the day. Also, my dd was the last to finish opening her presents even though she had fewer than the others!! My worries were overrated!

And about birthday parties - we live 4 hours away from the other families, but for the first 5 years we tried to make it to their parties - they were huge - lots of kids, water slides, petting zoos, train rides, etc. But my kids never asked for any of it. You may also find that as the kids get older, have different friends and interests that the party situations will change and the cousins may not always be a part of the party celebrations.

If you continue to cultivate gratitude and contentedness in your children now - it will make it so much easier when they begin to notice how much stuff their cousins have.

We do themed parties at home, but I do let the guests bring presents. I think it can be a good thing for kids to both give and receive gifts. I want my kids to start thinking of their friends and what kinds of gifts they would like to receive. They need to learn to be happy picking out a toy for a friend even though they aren't getting one! And as for the receiving end - they can learn to accept gifts graciously and show thanks for those gifts. (I also let the kids open the gifts during the party - usually the giver wants to see their friend open their gift, and of course all the kids want to see what all the presents are!)

Stick with your style of party and try not to let the family get to you. Eventually, they'll let you be when they realize they can't turn you to their side!!

So - don't worry about where it all may be leading to - just cultivate your own family traditions and values and have a great time at your party!!

[Colleen]

We've never gone the birthday party route, so your plan is actually "big" compared to our family-oriented celebrations. Which just goes to show that there a myriad of ways to enjoy special days.:) Since you're tired of complimenting them on the BIG parties ~ and since you don't particularly admire those BIG parties ~ refrain from the compliments. Which isn't to say you should be negative or insulting. Just let folks do their thing. By complimenting them, perhaps you're giving them the wrong impression. Don't be afraid to be yourself.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

My kids get exactly three parties: one when they turn 6, one when they turn 10, and one when they turn 16 (we're not there yet). On those birthdays, I go all out and invite a bunch of friends, have a special theme, have organized activities/games, prizes, goodie bags, etc.

The rest of the birthdays, it's just our family, and maybe a few cousins for cake and ice cream.

[Jumping In Puddles]

My sons birthday is coming up this month, he will be turning 4. We are planning to have a party at home. On Thursday afternoons I usually have over some of his 'friends'. At this time we will have cupcakes and sing happy birthday.

I warned the caregivers of his 'friends' that this will be happening. All his 'friends' will color him a pretty picture that morning.

We have a fun basement (http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11566&highlight=basement+slide). I'm planning to set up some tents and fill them with balloons. I'm going to make everyone a balloon hat to take home.

My son wants for his birthday; socks, underwear, and a bag with wheels that he can also wear on his back. He also wants to go shopping at the thrift store with Gramma and pick out 4 'things'. I am planning to get him a marble run game.

My niece (turning 4) and nephew (turning 5) have birthday coming up in June and July. They are renting a playland for one party and still undecided for the other party. They are inviting 15+ kids to each party. And then they are also have a family party. My niece and nephew will have at least 15 friend parties EACH to go to this year.

For some reason I am considered strange. My son is strange for not having a long list of presents he wants. Lots of my family are trying to convince me to do something more SPECIAL, more FANCY, more EXPENSIVE. I'm getting tired of passing the bean dip! I feel like the only sane person in my extended family.

Your family is definitely off the mark for judging you and your kid. I think people have big, expensive parties all the time but mostly its because it's what works for them. I'm sorry your family can't keep their opinions to themselves, If it were me, I would not tell them anything about your upcoming party including what your son asked for. It's none of their business.

IMHO, kids at that age don't really know what gifts they'd like because they don't know what's out there. For example, my girl (turning 4) wants only new hair clips. That's because she knows she likes hair clips and wants more of what she likes! I'm not mistaking that for her being such an unusual kid that doesn't want presents. So if she got, say - a new jewelry box or a princess pop-up book, a tin of jacks - that she wouldn't be happy... she just doesn't know yet what to ask for!

So instead of telling your family (because they really don't seem reasonable) about your son's actual list, why don't you try telling them when they ask for what he wants, that he could use (or might like): a soccer ball, books, a movie, new art supplies etc. Just think of a few things that you think he might enjoy and save the stuff on his "list" for you or other non-judgmental family members.

I don't really know why what someone does with their family should concern anyone else. I actually felt guilty about having my son's party at a place because I thought the other mother's were going to judge me as to trying to spend a lot of money, but in reality, it not only wasn't that expensive - I didn't have it at a place to show off, but because we were coming home from vacation the night before his party and let me tell you, it was NICE walking into the place (his karate school) 10 minutes before the party started, and having them do EVERYTHING! The pizza, juice, entertainment, set up and clean up... for 13 kids (my 2, 6 cousins, and 3 friends and their 2 siblings)! BEST $125 I ever spent in my life! :)

[Kate in Arabia]

Well, we don't really celebrate birthdays at all, so imagine what a horrible parent I must be! ;) It just isn't a part of our cultural/family traditions. The day of their birthday we usually talk about it, sometimes I'll pull out the album with their baby pics and we look back through everything together, but honestly that's about it.. my mom will send a card, we'll call her on the phone...

The kids generally get three gifts on our religious holidays, and they get a gift/a party if they achieve something special.. and sometimes they get a gift just because...

I have noticed, as one who doesn't really participate in it, that our "culture of birthdays" is pretty intense for littles -- reinforced in some kids' books, movies, etc.

Within our own experience, it took awhile for our family to adjust to how we do things regarding birthdays, but like everything else (like homeschooling), eventually they adapt to it and we all keep moving along!

[melissel]

is for simplicity. When it's at our house: I clean up before, clean up after kids during the party and cringe while their parents let them run all over the house with icing and drinks, and then clean up after the party is over. Then, I fall in bed exhausted with only dim memories of the time that my child had. And this is just for a family party. If I could disinvite the aunts and uncles, it would probably be much simpler.

We've never even had friends included in the mix, which will probably change this year. I'd much rather just pay money to have it somewhere else so that *I* can enjoy my own child's party.

Many of those places will do it all for you. That's tempting.

I have a hard time just inviting a few kids and leave the others out. If neighborhood kids were invited, they were typically ALL invited including older and younger siblings of both genders. I just can't stand to hurt a child's feelings.

Both of the above are great points. This September we'll be doing a small combined Build-a-Bear party for both my girls (they'll be 6 and 3). I would absolutely love to do a party at our house, but I'll be frank--I'm totally terrified of throwing a kids' party! Just thinking about it now is making my heart start to pound. We never did that in my family, so I have no clue where to even think about starting. But my DD5 has finally been to enough birthday parties that she was extremely sad when we didn't throw her a kid party when she turned 5, so this year I'm having to step up to the plate (in a completely chicken sort of way :001_rolleyes:).

I think, to each his own, but it's so ridiculous for your family to give you flak about it. If your party works for you and your DS, tell them to quit pestering you.

[Jenny in Florida]

They've gone to their friends' parties at Chuck E. Cheese and water parks and country clubs and roller skating rinks and bowling alleys and ice skating rinks and so on. Interestingly, neither of them has ever had much interest in having such a party.

My daughter, from the time she was three or four, made it clear she endured attendance at such parties solely for the sake of not upsetting the friend who invited her. They were (and remain) torture for her--too loud, no meaningful time spent with the birthday child, too crowded, just too much. For herself, she has always preferred small parties at home with a few of her closest friends or an outing with just one friend to do something fun (painting ceramics, for example). And she usually asks people not to bring gifts, although she has accepted donations for charity a couple of times.

Her most extravagent party was for her 12th birthday, when we rented a hotel room and did a sleep-over with a couple of her friends. They swam in the hotel pool, made a late-night snack bar run, stayed up all night listening to music and playing board games, ate the continental breakfast in the morning, and had a wonderful time. We agreed to do that, because we anticipated it would be her last "real" birthday party.

My son likes the idea of big parties, but rarely enjoys the ones he goes to. He went to one this weekend, in fact, and had a reasonably good time, but came home feeling sad that he didn't get to spend much time with his friend and that, while the kids were running around by themselves without a lot of parental supervision, one of the guests was not particularly nice to one of the other boys. (Tears were involved.) My son hates seeing people be mean to each other, and the hyped up wildness at a lot of big parties seems to create such situations.

His own parties tend to be fairly simple, with no more guests than whatever age he is turning. (Four guests for his fourth birthday, etc.) We do themes and decorate and plan activities, but it's never on the scale of most other families we know. He, too, has had a couple of years when he chose to take one friend and do something fun--miniature golf is one I remember--rather than do a party at home.

So, I'm with you. I have no desire to keep up with the Jones on this one.

[Cindy in FL.]

We don't do kid parties for birthdays. We let them pick a couple of families to invite over. The kids run around and play and the adults have a nice time visiting together. I don't decorate or plan games. My boys all seem to enjoy this set up.

I also don't usually spend over $20 on gifts for them. It just doesn't seem necessary coupled with the gifts they receive from others. My ds turned 11 last week and was floored that someone gave him a card with $40 in it. I was actually shocked (and even a bit uncomfortable) with the amount of money.

I say stick with what you are comfortable with and what works for your family.

Cindy

[MomOfOneFunOne]

When we have birthday parties, they're big. My daughter is an only child and all she ever wants is kids. What does she want for her birthday? KIDS! So, the arrangement we have is every-other-year she gets a party but no gifts from us (the party is her gift). On the off years we go camping or some other vacation. Last year we had such a grand time and my daughter met such good friends to play with that even though it's a party year, we going to go to the same place for camping (Smoky Mountains).

When we do have a party, my daughter wants to invite EVERYONE she knows. We find this really strange in her b/c for playing in general, she wants one or two friends. If there are more, she feels as if she didn't get to really play with anyone. We don't spend a great deal of money. We usually rent a place (b/c I don't want all that in my house!): swimming pool, barn w/ horses. For the Cowgirl Princess party we contacted a girl we'd heard of who rescues horses. She doesn't have a facility for parties but she has a barn, horses and hay. We used the hay to make an obstacle course, we used refrigerator boxes to make a bank and a jail. We set up crafts, had a pool full of sand and hay and rocks painted gold. When the crafts were finished the girls were dressed as cowgirl princesses. They went to dig for gold and get it to the bank. My dressed-up husband chased them through the obstacle course. They finally caught him and put him in jail . . . again, and again, and again. We relaxed a bit and then they rode the horses and petted and brushed the ponies. We kept it on the cheap by renting a place that wasn't really a party place and all we had to pay for was the friends she had over to help with the horses. My husband and I nearly died of heat stroke moving all those bales of hay but it didn't cost us anything! The other parts of the obstacle course served as birthday gifts that year (homemade balance beam and a hop 55). Making the jail and bank were things we all did together and had a GRAND time doing for a couple of weekends.

My point is that it was a lot of work . . . A LOT OF WORK and big but not particularly expensive. It was also a birthday that lasted a long time b/c the jail and bank were played with for a looooooooong time (man, you gotta love a box!)

So, why do ppl have such large bday parties? For us, it's b/c our only wants to be surrounded by kids. She's turning 9 this year and wants to return to our last year's birthday trip so maybe she's growing out of that? I hope so: I'm getting too old to move bales of hay!

[strider]

I think fondly of the olden days, when Ma might bake a cake and you would be glad to get a hair ribbon.

[klmama]

Birthdays just aren't big around here. We do have a party, but we established the rule that family parties were until age 5, then they could have friends instead. I don't have the energy to do both a family and a friend party, and my house is too small to have both here at once and also have me stay sane. Some of the extended family continue to give gifts, even though the kids don't have a party, and some don't. The kids don't care, although they do think it's nice when they get gifts. They particularly love cash gifts, though, so they can use it to go garage saling and get even better deals!

Don't worry about what others do. Your kids will be gracious teenagers who don't expect a new car on their 16th birthday. Nice, huh? ;)

[Carol in Cal.]

I hate all the party backbiting that goes on when you have to pick and choose 'who gets to come.'

We don't have a big party every single year, and we usually have food for adults as well as kids and make it into a big cookout.

One year we took over 6 shady tables at a great city park. I set one up with lots of crafts, we rented a jump house for the big lawn, and we served a substantial lunch. Most of the parents came and stayed, and the kids all had a blast. Honestly, it didn't cost that much, although there was quite a bit of prep time for the food; and it was a great get together for all of us.

I insist on having fun at parties I host. That pretty much rules out Chuck E Cheese.

[Tracey in TX]

My kids get a party every third year. It's excessive and a bit over the top. I really enjoy throwing a bash, but want my kiddos to enjoy small family get-togethers, or going out to dinner to celebrate as a family :) While it's not "cool", they do get it. They also really enjoy and look forward to throwing their respective parties.

My favorite venues are outdoors at the house or neighborhood park. I create games, activities, stations, etc. to keep the party moving. Like a PP stated 'I miss the days when we celebrated mom baking a cake and getting a hair ribbon.'

[Kalah]

I think this is a great thread too. It just goes to show how different people are. We're having a "big" party this weekend for my ds who'll be 8. The reason? I didn't want to work hard. He wanted to invite his friends. They all have siblings and I hate to exclude them. I like the family type atmosphere. So, we're going to a bounce house place where they get to play with 6 different inflatable houses and rides and then eat cake and ice cream and I leave the clean up to them.
Almost every party we've had at home I've been stressed and I haven't gotten all the pictures I wanted. So, this way, someone else gets to do the work and I get to enjoy my boy.
I grew up having cake and ice cream with my family. I loved that too. At some point we will go back to those small parties. But, we don't do huge christmas presents here. We have a very low monetary limit. So my dh and I feel we can "splurge" a bit more on birthdays. His gift from us is the party. And we aren't spending any more at the bounce house place than we would with all the decorations and food we would buy for at home.
HTH give a different perspective to "big" parties.
Thanks for this thread. Lots to think about.

[KAR120C]

We end up with enormous parties just because we enjoy them, and because if we only have a couple a year (DS's birthday being one of them), we end up inviting just about everyone one we know! LOL So both kids and adults, and 30-50 of them, all told. But always at home (we did one at a bowling alley and it was just irritating -- I don't feel like a proper hostess in a bowling alley!) and always with the emphasis on giving the party for your friends to come celebrate with you, not getting presents. (There are presents, but our friends are good at keeping them low-key so it hasn't been a big deal.)

We have tons of food, more cake than is necessary (I want leftovers, darn it!! LOL), beer for the grownups, and a pinata. That's all... No organized party games and no particular expenses other than food and candy. The kids run around like crazy people in and out of the house, we sing Happy Birthday, DS opens presents and then everyone attacks the pinata.

I can completely sympathize with those that would rather let someone else clean up.... every year I think we're going to switch to that, but I just really enjoy having everything at home and on my terms... so it's worth that late-night half hour I spent last time mopping DS's sticky floor where someone spilled punch, and vacuuming crumbs out of all the AC vents... ;) And since it's at home with no rental fees we can play all day and into the night! It's like park day at our house... only with more sugar. :D

[Stacie]

I've seen the spectrum of birthday parties, all in my extended family. One family unit has 50+ children at her sons' parties. This is so unruly and out of control. The last party had to be held at a party center that normally can host four normal-sized parties at a time. She rented the entire thing for the son and his friends, their siblings and the parent(s) who brought them.

Another family unit has a small intimate gathering of a few friends...the adults' friends. The party is just an excuse to hone their social climbing skills on the occasion of their child's birthday. We attended, ate hors d'orves, sipped wine, made small talk with their social climbing friends, and listened to jazz music. Toward the end of the party, usually around 10pm, they would interrupt their son's video game to have him blow out candles on his cake, ask him if he had an enjoyable birthday party for the camcorder, and send him to bed. Their kids are older than ours so we didn't have children when we attended. I don't know if that would change anything or not. I was always so sad for their little ones.

A friend recently had a first birthday party for her daughter. Custom printed invitations from the local wedding stationery store and a custom made dress for the picture included in the invitations. I ran into her in the bakery to see her ordering a tiered cake larger than my wedding cake. I overheard the conversation with the employee where she asked for cake options for 200-250 guests. I gave her my regrets that we would not be able to attend right there in the store. There was a huge article in the society pages in the newspaper the week following the party.

I can't imagine anything other than siblings, cousins, and a friend or two enjoying a homemade cake, lemonade, and playing in the playfort outside. Or another choice of my kids is a family vacation to a special place they like. That's our kind of party!

[pmegan]

I like big parties. It's only once a year, and I have very fond memories of my birthdays growing up.

And to be honest, it's usually not any more expensive than a family party. Last time we had a BBQ, we spent over $500! Meat, beer, soda, veggies, salads, chips, cake... nothing fancy. Plus I spent 2 days cooking while DH cleaned the house, and then it took another day to clean up. It wasn't even that big a party: 30 people or so?

So I completely understand why someone would want to have a big party at a venue. Judge not lest ye be judged ;)

[5sweeties]

I think it may matter how many children you have and how their birthdays are situated. We have 5, and their birthdays are all in spurts. And, they are all very close in age and have the same friends. If we had a big blow-out for every birthday, all these same families would be at our house over and over, during birthday season. Also, we've had many friends without a lot of financial means, so a party for them, is a big stress, due to the gift giving aspect. We try to be very, very simple. Our kid parties are pretty much free, except for the cost of the treats, which are very simple.

I think it also has a lot to do with where you live. The last place we lived was horrible with people going all out and spending vast fortunes, that they didn't have, on parties. The place before that was simple, before that was simple, before that was huge parties. Thankfully, we seem to have landed somewhere where it is a great party if every kid gets a corn dog and a popcicle and the gifts consist of jump ropes and markers and dollar store dolls. Interesting, because people here are actually more well-off than anywhere else that we've ever lived. Just more thrifty...which I seriously admire and appreciate!