cross-posting, need advice for dealing with my drama queen 9 year old

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm cross-posting from the Special Needs board because it hasn't received a lot of views and I'd really appreciate some kind of advice:
I've read all the books. I've adjusted her diet. I have her on omegas, etc. I NEED something else. I need some sort of specific advice for coping. Part of it is the ADD and part is her personality. She is driving me cra-zay. Seriously. Help.

I feel like she's constantly in trouble and I don't want that.

Everything is a major drama. Brushing her hair, doing her math, clearing her dishes. Anything she doesn't want to do. We're talking Madame Butterfly drama, not little drama. Please. Give me some advice that keeps her alive, gets us out of the she's constantly in trouble rut, lets the other 2 kids have some of the attention and doesn't wind up with me on anti-depressants.

Maybe there's something someone will say that I can latch on to. That I can think "yes! I can try that!" or "oh yeah, I forgot about that, that worked in the past." Or something.

Moms of dramatic kids, HELP!

[TraceyS/FL]

9 & 10 were HARD for us with DD1.

11 was WAYYYYY better, why? She started her period.

Never thought i'd be THANKFUL for that, but man, her brain is coming back. She still has her moments, but it's seriously a night and day child.

::hug::

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have a drama king. One thing that has helped (some) is to prepare him for the task esp. when you know that it always ends (and starts) in drama. For example - ds would have a fit - every single day when we did our spelling, or math, or . . ! So I started to go over what was expected of him for that activity. "Son, we are going to be doing spelling in a few minutes. You need to take out your paper and your pencil. You need to look at the word and write it down. If you make a mistake, you need to. . . I do not want you to . . . . If you start to feel like you are losing control I want you to . . .(take a deep breath, put your head down for a minute, whatever works). If you cannot follow these steps then I will . . . (consequence follows if appropriate to the situation)." Making things very cut and dried and laid out for him did help. It also helped that he knew that I was trying to work with him on this - not against him (and that I needed him to work with me too!)

[Mrs Mungo]

Tracey-I wish it was just adolescence but it's more than that. My eldest is 12 and is in that sort of phase where she gives me lip or mild "you're ruining my life" drama. This is more...constant, it's exhausting.

I have a drama king. One thing that has helped (some) is to prepare him for the task esp. when you know that it always ends (and starts) in drama. For example - ds would have a fit - every single day when we did our spelling, or math, or . . ! So I started to go over what was expected of him for that activity. "Son, we are going to be doing spelling in a few minutes. You need to take out your paper and your pencil. You need to look at the word and write it down. If you make a mistake, you need to. . . I do not want you to . . . . If you start to feel like you are losing control I want you to . . .(take a deep breath, put your head down for a minute, whatever works). If you cannot follow these steps then I will . . . (consequence follows if appropriate to the situation)." Making things very cut and dried and laid out for him did help. It also helped that he knew that I was trying to work with him on this - not against him (and that I needed him to work with me too!)

Thanks, this is a good way to think about it.

[Dana in OR]

My similar drama queen is 8yo dd. All I can think is I wish we were neighbors, then we could visit and wonder where they got their personalities, because this child has been this way since birth.

I can say that what has worked more than anything is our house is lightening up, spending a lot of cuddle time with dd, doing fun things and sneaking in the learning. It has worked a lot better than anything punitive we have tried. And with each year she has grown older it gets a little better. When we do "tactile" lessons - art, history, all about spelling, math with manipulatives... she loves it. She is also a whiz at memory work (poems, etc.). And I have her completely captivated in a "hard" read aloud - The Secret Garden. At first it was all complaints to even sit still and listen to it but now she practically begs for it.

It has taken me much too long to realize that she learns so much differently than me.

[elegantlion]

I rec the book "Strong willed child or dreamer" (http://www.amazon.com/Strong-willed-Child-Dreamer-Ron-Braund/dp/0785277005/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1209598256&sr=8-1) . The title is a little misleading, but this book helped me not only deal with my ds10 it gave me some insight into my own dramatic childhood.

[Annie N]

2 things that I am doing with my dramatic child (10yo): one is to make sure that she does things. Like today my oldest was using the electric weedwhacker, and she wanted to try it; I let her try with it and she was fine. I tend a bit to hold her back from doing things because she is younger :o but I have been trying to let her do more things. When she is feeling competent, she seems to be less dramatic. Or maybe because I try to remember to praise her?
The other thing is that I have been trying to help remind her about a talk we had in which I explained that part of growing up is not letting it all hang out (slightly different wording). I told her that she has to try to act the opposite of how she feels, or at least a lot less than how she feels. That has definitely helped.

[TraceyS/FL]

Tracey-I wish it was just adolescence but it's more than that. My eldest is 12 and is in that sort of phase where she gives me lip or mild "you're ruining my life" drama. This is more...constant, it's exhausting.


:( Hopefully you find something that works.

My special needs one is pretty easy going - when she does drama and blow, it's U.G.L.Y. and i've learned to ignore it and send it to her room for 10-30 minutes to scream, kick and yell. She is fine after that, to which i am very thankful (and i'll add - DH hasn't reached that point because he just doesn't SEE it like i do). I look at the oldest and am thankful that DD2 won't go thru puberty until the doctors and I start her on hormones (she has Turner's Syndrome and probably no functioning ovaries).

DD3 - ya, well, i'll be back in a few years pleading for help. She is going to be the drama queen - already IS at 3.5yo.

Lots more hugs :grouphug:

[Jenny in Atl]

Have you heard of Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka? I saw her speak a number of years ago in FL about her other bk Spirited Child. You are describing my oldest but when she was little (birth to about six). Something clicked, and she settled down, but still has some issues like anxiety. I have heard lots of kids have these issues (short wiring my ped used to say).

A couple ideas besides diet are, more exercise and creative ways to help her get her frustrations out (throwing wet paper towels at a picture she has drawn of the things that make her angry or frustrated). This all sounds so frustrating for you... I'm sorry. :grouphug:

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug:

I have a drama queen. You're describing my special needs daughter to a "T".

Hang in there, hang in there, hang in there.

Things I have learned....wait, am learning.....from my drama queen:

Drama begets more drama. She will push my buttons until I engage. Once I (finally) recognized the pattern, I stopped engaging. Mostly, anyway. I'm not perfect and I have my days too. As she gets louder, I get quieter. I tell her "Let's solve this instead of fighting." I tell her, "I want to hear what you have to say, and I can't talk about this when you're disrespectful."

For my dd, it's mostly in demand situations. I am placing a demand on her time and energy that's not naturally rewarding to her: Brushing teeth, getting ready for bed, doing chores, schoolwork. My natural isntinct is to shrug my shoulders and say (not in so many words, but in essence) "I don't care if you want to do it, you have to." Now, I validate that she doesn't want to do the activity. I say, "I hear what you're saying. I do understand you don't want to do this. Here's why it's important...." I don't think the explanation is as important as letting her know that I hear her.

I find ways for her to be as successful as possible. If I know something will be difficult for her, I warn her ahead of time: "In twenty minutes it will be time for X, I'll ask you to get your books in ten minutes, then you'll have time to relax until it's time to start." I found I was saying things like "Do this. If you don't here's what will happen (consequence)." I've switched to, "It's time to do this. When you're done, here's what will happen (something to look forward to,even if it's just being finished for the day)."

One day she started yelling about something, and I said "What do you want? What do you want from me that I can give you without you yelling?" And she yelled, "I want a hug."

Oh.

So I love on that girl. Love, love, love. When she's calm and open to spending time with me, I try to fill her tank as much as she'll let me. I hug her as often as I can. I set up a special time to wake her a few minutes early in the morning and sit with her to rub her back and tell her about the upcoming day and to let her know how much I love her. I check in with her at night. I try to give her as much positive attention in non-demand situations as I can, and it's making the situations where I must place a demand easier. Not easy, but easier, at least.

If nothing else, you're not alone. As a matter of fact, reading your post reminded me that no, I am not the only mother with a child who struggles with daily demands, which is...well, not good, but at least we're not the only ones in the whole entire world. :-)

:grouphug: again.

Cat

[Maria/ME]

The last 6 months or so have been very very difficult for my daughter and I. She turned 10 in March.There is a lot of drama going on. EVERYTHING is an ordeal, she complains about EVERYTHING. I have, literally, sat down and cried. Called my husband at work and said "I can't do this any more." And I only have one child.

Things have gotten a little bit better. I don't know if this is helpful at all but here is what has SEEMED to work so far in our situation.

1) I did as the above poster mentioned and gave her expectations and outcomes for the day. I have a strong tendency to give her three or four choices....and be wishy washy about expectations. I quit doing that. I called the shots and told her how it was going to be. This seemed almost a relief to her, even tho, I did get some drama on it. When she would be dramatic I would let her sit it out and STILL do the work when she was done. I did this with school work, household chores, errands, even play time... EVERYTHING to let her know what was expected and what we were going to do.

2) I let her see that her actions and emotions affect all of us. I sat and cried in front of her. I'm not sure that is terribly healthy, but I explained to her my viewpoint and frustration at her constant disrespect. That people can NOT behave this way toward each other. It seemed to shock her a little bit into THINKING about the effect of her actions. This has only happened once or twice.

3) I grounded her. I've never been pro grounding but she seemed to have all these spoiled expectations of how life was supposed to be HER way all the time and was VERY vocally put out when things didn't go her way. I realize, that has much to do with OUR parenting and so we are responsible for that expectation. Between now dictating to her what we will be doing and grounding her, she seems to have let go of needing control over everything. She actually seems to be thriving in the "grounded" environment, oddly enough. She'll check in "How am I doing today? Has my attitude improved?"

4) We spend LOTS of time talking. When emotions are high I let her calm down, hold her and really listen. I just validate....but rules stay the same. We also take time out when emotions ARE NOT high and talk about her feelings. "Whatcha thinkin' about?" conversations. Also, when she is disrespectful or high drama I say "Do you mean....." "It sounds like your saying this......and that is pretty extreme....can you put it a different way to help me understand?" (Example: Today she starts crying and says "You haven't fed me all day I am completely STARVING" I said "Wow. That sounds very intense. What have you ate today?" She lists, I say "That sounds about right we also had salad, so you can't quite be starving....what do you really mean?" She thinks and says calmly "I'm just really hungry again..." Me: "Ah. Well, that sounds about right...I'm fixing supper now..you can have a carrot first..." As simple as that sounds it took me awhile. My usual reaction would be "Oh, please you are NOT starving...you act like I never feed you...you ate all day..." I used to take things like that rather personally....)

From what I can see, she's really wanting to be respected as an older child/adult, but she's still at an obnoxious child age. I was giving her too much lee way for making decisions within the family and she seemed to need more boundaries from me. She's only 10 and I was giving her more responsibility than she was ready for I think. So by taking it away, grounding her, but listening to her it seems she is more constant in her feelings.

I"ve really had to change my idea of my daughter. She is not a "little me" easily led to thoughts and ideas. She has dissenting opinions and interests that will NOT be pushed or led in another direction like when she was younger. I had to let go of a need for MY idea of control. I need to respect that. On the other hand, she is still a child in need of guidance on how to control herself at certain times. Much of our problems, I feel, comes down to a power play. We are both stubborn and easily wounded. I need to often remove myself from the emotion of the situation and be the one to take control. My husband and I have to work VERY hard to be on the same page, too. She notices and takes advantage of our different parenting skills to get her way. My husband and I check in almost daily with each other as to her behavior, etc....

This had gotten long winded, I'm sorry. I applaud all the things you've tried to do for your daughter...I am sure the nutrition aspect has helped more than you know! When we cut out sugar (including white flour/carbs) my dd does much better. You obviously want to help her so much, and I understand how crazy you must be going!! Perhaps something I've said can help in your situation. I am sure they are totally different, but wish you the best....keep us posted on how it's going!

[Mrs Mungo]

Thanks, everyone, I really appreciate the ideas. A lot of the things that have been mentioned definitely ring true here. Going to try working with some of the suggestions and additional books to check out (I'm a total research queen). Sincerely, thanks.

PS, Maria, I owe you some rep, I gave all of mine away for the day!

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug:



Drama begets more drama. She will push my buttons until I engage. Once I (finally) recognized the pattern, I stopped engaging. Mostly, anyway. I'm not perfect and I have my days too. As she gets louder, I get quieter. I tell her "Let's solve this instead of fighting." I tell her, "I want to hear what you have to say, and I can't talk about this when you're disrespectful."


Cat

Oh that is SO my almost 12dd! Thanks for that. I know I wasn't the OP but this is all very helpful for many of us I would think! Guess we all need to lift each other up during these difficult times. Hang in there Mrs Mungo! :grouphug: