Death Anniversaries - how do you cope?

[Plaid Dad]

Yesterday was the anniversary of my father's death. It's been a long time - he died in 1985 - but every year at this time I go through a bout of depression. How do you handle old grief?

I'm guessing this isn't the best time to start reading Moby-Dick, eh? :sad:

[Alice]

I don't really have experience with this myself but wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss. I think recoginizing that this is a hard time and allowing yourself to grieve is ok and healthy.

A close friend of mine whose father died two years ago has marked the anniversary by planting a special plant for him every year. She has an area of her garden that has some of his favorite plants and other things that had meaning to him. She also goes out with close friends to an Irish pub and toasts his memory.

[OH Kim]

In the Orthodox Church, there is a prayer service which commemorates our dead that may be held on anniversaries. A panakhida is a very comforting memorial service.

[Tammy]

By remembering his 'life' and keeping his memory 'alive'! Go over all the great things you remember about him....and pass those along to your kids/family! It shouldn't be a 'sad' day....but a day of wonderful memories! Celebrate your father's life today!

[elegantlion]

I am sorry, my dh deals with this almost every year. His father died in 1970 when my dh was 9. When I met him he did not cope well on that day. That has been over 17 years ago.

It got better for a few years, then we had our son, who is named for his father. That made it harder. He was dealing with how to be a good father without having someone show him.

One thing I do is allow him extra grace during that week. I make sure he gets more TLC, his favorite meal, lots of extra hugs, and just some space. I don't bring it up unless he wants to talk.

We try to honor his memory. Dh will talk about him with our son, about his personality and his interests. We pass his heritage on by remembering the good times. My dh will call his mother on that day.

I won't say it gets easier, but it's different. I know his experience has made him a more attentive father, a more forgiving and loving person.

[Mrs. Readsalot]

My father died in 1972 when I was a month shy of being 10. He died on May 17th and on that day I say a special prayer of memory to God for my dad. This is a prayer I wrote myself about all the special things I remember about my dad. I don't have any problems with depression because I know my dad would not want me to. Dad was a very positive upbeat person and full of life and love. As I pray the prayer I usually cry but when I am finished I feel a great sense of closeness to God and to my dad. In other words, I am at peace. I consider our lives as a special gift from God, and I know he wants us to feel joy and happiness with this gift. Interestingly depression is a huge problem with most of the women in my family, although I have never struggled with it. Everyone tells me I am just like my dad, and I love that. When I was a teen I literally felt Jesus walking with me through a very turbulant time. I knew He would always protect me as my Father in Heaven. There is a spriture passage about God being the Father to the fatherless and that passage has always ment a lot to me. I know you are very religious, turn to God to bless you with joy as you struggle through this time. God's Peace and Blessing to you~~~Karen

[strider]

I find that trying to be stronger or avoid those feelings almost always backfires (not saying you are). When I try to press on and force myself to be normal it just doesn't work.

I have found that setting aside a period of time to mourn, and doing something to honor that person during that time, really helps. I might decide, for example, to set aside an evening to journal some thoughts and pray. My dh has remarkable patience for listening to me emote and remember, as well. Is there some ritual that will help you remember and honor your father? Can you and your wife go eat together at his favorite restaurant or watch his favorite movie?

One thing that helped me shortly after my father died was to go to Mass. I was raised as an evangelical and presently attend an evangelical church, but my father was Catholic (sort of--he wasn't exactly a God-fearing man), and all my relatives on both sides are Catholic. The first time I did this I talked to one of the priests ahead of time--he was so kind! They included a remembrance and prayers for my father at that Mass. For me, being able to participate in that ceremony, and set aside that time specifically to bring his name before God, was comforting.

Another thing that I do when I think of my father is get out a photo album I made of the last time I saw him. He was living in Switzerland at the time (he was Swiss) and terribly ill. My sisters and my daughter and I went out to be with him. I made an album of our time with him and our other relatives and the sights around Luzern.

I do find that engaging in that remembrance does help me not feel so sad for so long. Once I have done this, as other sad days come I either repeat my prayers and look at the album again, or force myself to go for a walk to get moving and get some light, which always helps too.

:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm still dealing with my brother's death--it makes it harder that he lived far away, because I think of him as "over there," then the realization hits me fresh that he's gone. Of course, sometimes it's easier, too, because he wasn't a daily presence in my life. Was your dad really close, or do you experience the same thing?

I think we just need to take time to mourn. Mourning is hard work. It takes a while, and it's sort of cyclical--maybe it lessens over time.

One thing that helps me is talking to my brother. I believe in the Communion of Saints, and that I can ask saints that have gone before to pray for me. I know we're not supposed to contact the dead, exactly, thru seances and stuff, but I do pray occasionally and ask God to take my feeble attempts to heal by talking to Mark, and just make them right. He's gracious that way. I guess just pouring out my grief before God helps, too.

Sometimes, you just have to let the tears come, and let the Comforter do His job. I know you are a man of faith. Just let God be big enough for you, dear.
Let your Abba wrap his arms around you, and just sit with him for a while.

[PiCO]

Yesterday was the anniversary of my father's death. It's been a long time - he died in 1985 - but every year at this time I go through a bout of depression. How do you handle old grief?
:sad:

My mother died Feb 8, 1986. I mourn a little that day, but on her birthday I try to spend time remembering her- look at pictures, talk about her to my children. That's what makes me the saddest- that she never knew her granddaughters (and they will never truly know her.) I still cry thinking about it. I did not properly grieve at the time, so I think it's healthy to grieve now.

Dh died Sept 8, 2005. That one's a little harder- the grief is not as old. I'm just getting to the point where I can talk about him without crying. This week my girls are wearing his ties to school- they were going through his clothes, and decided to wear them. I think this is healthy- it's their way of remembering and feeling close to their dad.

There are lots of great suggestions in this thread- I think the key is that you should remember loved ones who have passed. Talk about them to your children, keep them alive in memory. I tried to bury my mother's memory for 15 years, and it would come up and surprise me and I would be a basket case for a day or so. Now that I remember her on a regular basis, I feel like I'm healthier emotionally.

[Unicorn]

For me it's a bit strange. My mom died in Nov. of '02. Nine days after my niece's b-day, and 19 days before mine. Her birthday was 2 days after Christmas. You would think that I would be depressed for 2 months straight. I get thru those months fine, but in Jan. I always get a case of mild depression.

I don't think we will ever not feel a little depressed. We don't have that person in our lives anymore, and we miss them. I think it is normal to have feelings of loss, even years later. As long as it doesn't become severe, kwim?

As for how to deal w/ it, I just try to focus on not what we have lost, but what we were blessed with while she was here.

I'm sorry you lost your dad, even if it was many years ago. It is/always will be, a hard thing to realize. ((((( Drew ))))

[Verena]

Yesterday was the anniversary of my father's death. It's been a long time - he died in 1985 - but every year at this time I go through a bout of depression. How do you handle old grief?

I'm guessing this isn't the best time to start reading Moby-Dick, eh? :sad:

...as much as just allowing yourself to grieve and not feeling guilty about it.
One thing that I've come to realize is that for some, it takes only a few years to "get over" a death, for others it takes decades.
Imho, there is no formula.

[PrairieAir]

I'm sorry, Drew:( I don't have any real advice.

My dad died in 1984, and I go through the same thing on the anniversary of his death as well as his birthday. The only thing that really seems to help is staying busy or remembering him in some positive and meaningful way--usually alone. The alone part of it is my preference and just the way I deal with things. I usually try to take a long hike on those two days because hiking is something that he loved and that he did often with my brother and me when we were young. The exercise along with the sunshine and fresh air also help improve my spirits, I'm sure. Someday I would like to hike the entire Appalachian Trail in his memory. Parts of that trail cover territory I hiked with him when I was a little girl and I think hiking the full trail was a dream of his, too.

I hope you find some meaningful way to remember your dad that will replace your grief with happy memories of him.

[SheilaZ]

My father died three years ago after a five year battle with cancer.
But he is part of our daily life. I have a small picture of him on the refridgerator. Another is in the hall. At least once a week, someone will bring up some funny thing about him or will pick on someone for behaving like he did.
My oldest son's favorite pajamas are a pair of my Dad's. My 6 year old carries around his pocket watch.
My father was a huge Johnny Cash fan and my kids call Cash's songs "Grandaddy's songs."
Since he's not around to sing the silly songs and tell the stories...I do it for him. I have been known to tell the kids that "Your Granddaddy would tell you it's time to cut that hair."
I want my sons to know him like I did. Sometimes I catch them repeated the stories that I told them amongst themselves.

I think that has helped to start the fill the enormous void that his death left behind. It's been so hard though.
I don't know if any of my family will ever really get over it.

[Janet in WA]

You know, I make a point of not making note of or remembering the exact date. I know that my mother died some time at the end of May, and that my father died some time in mid-July. I don't want to attach sadness to a specific date every year.

[WendyK]

When I am sad, I let myself be sad. I don't try to suppress my feelings or pretend they are not there.

That said, the anniversary of my mother's death doesn't necessarily invoke those feelings for whatever reason. Usually the day comes and goes and I don't think much about it. In fact it is coming up May 28th. She will have been gone for 5 years. I am just thankful that the emotions and pain is not raw like during the first year. It is much more tolerable these days.

I wish I had a better answer than that. I guess it is what it is.

[Pencil Pusher]

I know what you mean. My dad died shortly after his birthday, 9/11. His birthday was sad--very sad--for several yrs in a row. First, 9/11, then his dad died young & suddenly, near the same time. His 2nd wife left him the following yr, not on his bday, but right before. Their last fight was about his bday, ironically. Dh & I spent the day w/ him when we realized he was going to be alone.

The last time I saw my dad was on his bday, right after his little sister died, also unexpectedly. They'd shared a bday.

So Sept is sad for me. It's only been since '05, so I expect it to lessen, but I also know it has to be a concious choice. I think part of what killed my dad was his own remorse over his father's death in '01. Their last conversation was an argument. My last conversation w/ my dad was telling him how much I love him & want him to be ok (it was his first bday w/out his sis, his best friend). And I look at my kids, & I know that *I* want to go on, w/out him if I have to.

I'm sure that's not helpful at all. I wish I had some great wisdom, but instead all I can say is I'm right. there. with you. :grouphug:

[Dana in OR]

and although when the anniversary comes up I inveriably forget the actual date of his death (Oct. 6th), I still think of him almost daily and at times get very sad.

As far as coping, I just go with the flow. Sometimes I cry. Other times I just fondly remember what a great guy he was. Most often it's a few tears at odd moments that are wiped away and forgotten a while later. My hope is that I will see him in heaven someday even though he was Jewish.

[RegularMom]

(((((hugs)))) to you.

The only thing I would add to the already terrific advice people have given here, is to consider doing some writing about your Dad and your grief.

Every August, I get mildly depressed about the death of my twins. And what I do is WRITE about it. I write poetry, blog entries, private journal entries, whatever.

And for me, it really works.

Here's some more (((((hugs)))) too.

[Another Lynn]

but one thing my Dad did was make a photo album/scrapbook (in the old sense of the word - not a flowery, arts and crafts thing) of many events in my Grandma's life. He actually began it before she died as he came across things (mainly as he helped go through things in her house, etc.). When she did pass away that photo album was a great comfort to us all - and still is. The nice thing about it is that 1) I'm sure it was healing to my Dad and 2) it was a way to share her life with her grandchildren and greatgrandchildren. It included newspaper articles, wedding invitation (maybe even the dried wedding flowers?) photos, yearbook copies, letters, birth announcements, lots more than just pictures.

Another idea is just to remember one of your Dad's interests/hobbies/talents and try to honor it and carry it on in your own family. What a great way to honor him and share his memory with your kids.

Many blessings and prayers for God's comfort!

[Plaid Dad]

Thank you for all the wonderful ideas and kind words, both in this thread and in PMs. I was able to take some time for myself today and I feel better. But the ideas have made me think more about how I can honor my father's memory throughout the year, not just at this season. Thank you!

[kalanamak]

Yesterday was the anniversary of my father's death. It's been a long time - he died in 1985 - but every year at this time I go through a bout of depression. How do you handle old grief?

I'm guessing this isn't the best time to start reading Moby-Dick, eh? :sad:

Maybe I'm just a weirdo, but I use that day to sift through fond memories and be just happy I have the delight of having known them.

[kalanamak]

Thank you for all the wonderful ideas and kind words, both in this thread and in PMs. I was able to take some time for myself today and I feel better. But the ideas have made me think more about how I can honor my father's memory throughout the year, not just at this season. Thank you!

Foundlings who were put on a train at age 5-15 and the trains would stop at towns and people who wanted a child could come down to the station and pick them out? The show closed with an elderly man who had commented throughout the show with stories of happy and sad endings to this, and his last statement he began to weep and say that his whole life was trying to live up to the goodness of the man who had taken him in.

I recall a carpooler stating that all children "behave" because they are afraid of their fathers. I was startled and said I was never, ever afraid of my father, and behaved because I wanted him to think highly of me. He thought, I'm sure, I was a brainwashed kid in denial, but it made me think of the above show, and how I have tried to live up to the goodness of the man who took me in.

[kleahey]

I find that it really helps me to visit the person's resting place, if that is an option, and let yourself me sad for a few minutes. Talk to the person if you feel comfortable in doing so. It's a huge relief for me, although it might not help everyone.
All of my best,
K

[Robin in Tx]

Drew, I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand how you feel. My mom died on Mother's Day five years ago, and I am just now getting to the point where I can handle my dh and dd wanting to celebrate that day in my honor.

I haven't been able to visit her grave ever. Too painful for me. I think maybe this year I am strong enough to do so. I might go and take some flowers in hopes that it brings a little peace and closure to my grief process. I think it's going to take a physical act like that to symbolize my letting go. Would doing something like that help in some way?

How old was your dad when he died? My dad died in 87, and I grieved terribly for him for some time. Then one day, I thought about what his age would be if he were still alive, and I realized that it was an unrealistic age to expect him to still be alive. For some reason, once I realized that, the pain immediately lightened. It wasn't like I could think in terms of, "if he were alive today, he would be doing this and doing that." I don't know if I'm explaining this very well or not. My mom's age is getting very close to having the same effect on me. She would be 88 if she were alive today. In a few years, when we're talking the 90s, I probably won't be grieving her absence as much. If this applies to you in any way, then maybe there will be some relief for you when you get to that point. I hope that helps you know that there is a time when this will be easier.

Take care and take it easy on yourself,
Robin

[summer]

Celebrate his life on this anniversary rather than grieve. Or celebrate the life you do have.

My son died on my older son's 6th birthday. Even that first year, I knew the love and happiness I needed to show for the child I had there was more important than the sadness I felt over the child I lost. Who knows...the older child could die tomorrow...then I will wish I could have today back.

I hope this helps.

[Patty Joanna]

Dear Drew,

Everyone is different as to how they can deal with this. But if you want to see some suggestions for how the Church has helped people with this, look up "Radonitsa" on Wikipedia and it will give you some ideas. You might also like to take a look at the Akathist to Jesus Christ for a Loved One Who Has Fallen Asleep. If you need a copy, I can mail you one. It is a powerful help for those who are bereaved. (Akathist just means "prayer said standing up".)

Kind regards,

[paula j]

This is such a hard thing. In our family we have had 3 deaths in the past 3 years. My older brother passed away 3 years ago on Father's day, he had 3 grown sons and the whole family always bar-b-qued for Father's day. We commemorate his death by continuing the tradition and having a bar-b-que every Father's day, his son's do the cooking.

The following year my brother-in-law passed away on my daughter's birthday. His wife took their children and moved 1000 miles away afterwards and has never come back. His brothers and sisters and their families always try to visit his grave and put flowers on and then bar-b-que and play horseshoes which was his favorite thing.

My father-in-law passed away 1 year and 3 weeks after my brother-in-law so I imagine we will visit his grave at the same time since they are next to each other.

It's such a sad thing, and their deaths were so close together, that I too feel really depressed at that time of year.

[keptwoman]

and although when the anniversary comes up I inveriably forget the actual date of his death (Oct. 6th), I still think of him almost daily and at times get very sad.

As far as coping, I just go with the flow. Sometimes I cry. Other times I just fondly remember what a great guy he was. Most often it's a few tears at odd moments that are wiped away and forgotten a while later.

This is how I feel. My Dad died in 1990, my Mum in 1994, and my best friend in 1996. The actual date often flies by without me remembering, same with their birthdays. But the grief hits me at odd times, and missing them becomes raw again. I just have a good old cry and then get on again. Sometimes I go upstairs and get out the photos and spend some time remembering them, sometimes I have a wee "chat' to them about why I am missing them. Sometimes I tell them I'm angry at them for going and leaving me.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to deal with old grief, the right way is different for everyone. I guess the wrong way is suppressing it or believing it's too long ago for feeling that way.

[Mamagistra]

No advice for you, PD...just prayers and hope that you may find a way to ease your grief and send the Black Dog packing. :grouphug:

[Sandy in Indy]

Thanks for starting this thread. On May 17th, it will be four years since I lost my dad. I still cry often and miss him terribly. I do try to remember all the wonderful things...one of my favorite memory pictures is my dad holding my dd, his first and only granddaughter, just moments after her birth. The look on his face was priceless. I don't know that time will take away the sadness as I will always miss him but there have been some really good suggestions in this thread. I think we'll have to start a grandpa garden somewhere in the yard.

[Eliana]

In my faith, the anniversary of the death of a close relative (the yahrtzeit) is formally acknowledged each year - there is a special tefillah (prayer) and minhagim (customs). It is a serious day, one set aside in some ways from ordinary time... [We also have communal Yizkor (memorial) services as part of 4 of the major holidays - at times of greatest joy we remember those who are no longer here.]

I think the essential, healing part (though, baruch Hashem, I have not lost a parent myself) is having a set of things one does that acknowledge the significance of the day, the loss, and the loved one who was lost... that this day will never again be an ordinary one. ...and it *shouldn't* be. You world changes forever when a parent is lost - and that is natural and, omho, as it should be. Someone so significant, who had so formative a role in one's life *should* leave a hole in our hearts and our lives. The pain become less raw and urgent with time (if we grieved fully at the time), but I don't think it ever goes away, and sometimes it will flare up again.. and I think that then we should let ourselves grieve again, let ourselves remember our loved one, let ourselves acknowledge again what a significant loss it was.. and feel gratitude for having had such a wonderful person in our lives for the time we did, and try to see all the ways our lives are better, richer, fuller for having had this person as a father/mother/grandparent/sibling/friend/spouse...

Sometimes I also find that the yearning I feel for my grandmother can help me focus better on the yearning my neshama (soul) feels for HaKadosh Baruch Hu (the Holy One, blessed be He). In moments of deep grief, or of yearning, or alone-ness we can sometimes, I think, feel G-d's presence more deeply, feel His comfort and love and guidance on a level we can't always reach as easily or naturally when we are heart-whole...


On the anniversary of my brother's death (and on his birthday too), my mother would light a special candle, get out the photos albums and the (very few) home movies of him, and tell us stories about him.

For my grandfather, we also made his special chocolate chip cookies (using a secret family technique!)...

Throughout the year, their photos were up on the wall with those of other loved ones and their names came up a lot... I find myself doing similar things for our kids, so that they feel how much the greatgrandparents they either never knew or knew only briefly are part of who they are. It gives me joy to share these memories with my kids, and to see the attachment they feel... and it makes me feel I am giving kavod (honor) to the memories of mine and dh's grandparents.

If you're in the mood to share, I'd love to hear about your dad... you are such a special, delightful person, I know I would enjoy hearing about someone who must have had such a significant part in shaping who you are.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

My hope is that I will see him in heaven someday even though he was Jewish.

I have been reading through people's responses and realizing that the things we choose to believe can have a profound impact on how we cope with grief. I imagine that the belief that you will go to heaven, but your loved one will not because of his religious beliefs, must make you very sad.

I have relatives who believe they will not see me, my husband, or my children in heaven, and I know this brings them untold amounts of pain.