Is competition necessary?

[Jean in Newcastle]

My dad who is generally supportive of homeschooling has been pressuring me that ds10 has no competition with other boys his age (apparently it doesn't matter if he competes with girls). Ds10 excels in academics (he doesn't need competition to motivate him to do well). He plays well with others - including impromptu competitive games. We do not have the money for team or competitive sports etc. Is competition necessary? (I suspect that this is a variation on the old "socialization" argument but it has caught me at an emotionally vulnerable time).

[Amy in Orlando]

My dad who is generally supportive of homeschooling has been pressuring me that ds10 has no competition with other boys his age (apparently it doesn't matter if he competes with girls). Ds10 excels in academics (he doesn't need competition to motivate him to do well). He plays well with others - including impromptu competitive games. We do not have the money for team or competitive sports etc. Is competition necessary? (I suspect that this is a variation on the old "socialization" argument but it has caught me at an emotionally vulnerable time).

I don't think it's necessary. I think certain personality-types will make anything into a competition (I'm one of them). We never had money for our sons to participate in a "team sports." Tae kwon do is it. Our school is not competitive, meaning they don't push tournaments or extra awards and the kids work long and hard for each belt level. But, once my older boys hit 11-12-13, we found out we had some competitors in our midst. And, we had a real non-competitor too. Still watching and waiting on my youngest son.

I honestly believe this is a trait you have or you don't. I will fight you to the death playing Candyland and I don't care if you are only three. Dh, eh, whatever.

I think your son is young to be pegged into one category or the other. He sounds just fine to me. Boys are slower to mature and to develop, he has tons of time for team sports (should he choose to go that route). I've watched so many of my older boys' friends burn out by the time they were 12 on whatever sport their parents had chosen for them. They hadn't come cloes to peaking and they were sick of it. I'm all for holding off on boys' sports.

[Peek a Boo]

I agree with Amy --we have a similar set up at our TKD classes too.

I do think kids need to be aware of peer pressure, both negative and positive. I homeschool for social reasons: I don't want my kids exposed to negative peer pressure and other terrible models of social interaction on a DAILY basis. Yes, i want them to experience the stress, thrill, and training needed for a real competition. Yes, i want them to understand what it means to win or lose an award. Yes, i want them to know how to deal w/ people who are less than pleasant to be around for a variety of reasons. I do think most of that will happen pretty easily and certainly doesn't require a traditional athletic team sport to instill that knowledge.

Even now that we HAVE the money for team stuff, i still abstain. The pros don't outweigh the cons here.

good luck :)

[CookieMonster]

Briefly, and based on nothing but my own opinion, I think boys benefit from that manly type of interaction where there is good-spirited competition with other men. A lot. What they get out of it is more than I can put into words. And this is the type of competition/comraderie that women usually roll their eyes at.

Whether your ds is already getting this, I don't think I could say from your post. Nor could I say that he won't get this in the future by some means.

[Danestress]

I personally wish my parents had encouraged me to do a competitive sport. I do feel that there are things one learns about oneself and others when competing, and that those experiences have value in life apart from sports. Personally, I think boys *and* girls benefit from some experience with competition.

[KristineIN]

There are things besides sports that provide competition. Our children are in 4-H and it's relatively inexpensive and can be competitive. Our children are currently not in sports and if they do, it will be when they are high school aged and are in the local homeschool sports teams. Ten is still pretty young, you have a while yet if you want to get him involved later. We aren't now because of money and don't want to spend the extra time. With the way gas prices are, just running back and forth between events, I really don't know how people do it.

Kristine

[Joanne]

I'm between Amy and Cookie. ;)

I don't believe that competitive sports is the only way, the gold standard or the preferred vehicle through which to drive competitive energy.

But I do think that some people seek and need competition and that boys have a need to spend copious amounts of time in same gender structured groups. I don't care if it's building a robot, building a computer, playing chess or hitting a homerun. I've seen men who are competitive at the BBQ grill!

[Tracey in TX]

Competition is healthy and stretches one's own goals. There are numerous ways to accomplish this, all dependent upon a child's own interests and available money. It can be as simple as board games/chess, to spelling bees, to all out competitive sports.
DH & I are both VERY competitive in everything we do, so we've raised very competitive children, one of whom doesn't participate in sports. But trust me the competitive gene is still evident!
You CAN find something DS can do w/o spending money and adding stress tø your life. Potato sack races today? :tongue_smilie:

[Joanne]

Competition is healthy and stretches one's own goals. There are numerous ways to accomplish this, all dependent upon a child's own interests and available money. It can be as simple as board games/chess, to spelling bees, to all out competitive sports.
DH & I are both VERY competitive in everything we do, so we've raised very competitive children, one of whom doesn't participate in sports. But trust me the competitive gene is still evident!
You CAN find something DS can do w/o spending money and adding stress tø your life. Potato sack races today?

I mostly agree with this. Mostly. I've observed that competitive people often don't "get" anti-competitive types. They don't understand the lack of need/desire to compete.

I agree that the benefits of competition can be found in a variety of settings. The problem is that often when the competition question comes up, the ways for that to be fulfilled are usually scripted and limited to:

1) Competitive team sports

or, even

2) Competitive team sports in a school setting

We get some of this now, with my oldest and baseball.

[CookieMonster]

I've seen men who are competitive at the BBQ grill!

Is that not the strangest thing, Joanne? Men!

[In The Great White North]

The major benefit of competitive sports is the discipline, not the competition. They want to win, so they work hard at it day in, day out, and are rewarded for their efforts by getting better. Since this drive and discipline are not usually seen elsewhere, people relate it to competitiveness, which is not really what it's about.

The other major benefit of competitive sports is learning "good sportsmanship," in other words, how to win or lose gracefully and be a "team player."

Both of these can be picked up in other activities, it's just more obvious in competitive sports.

[kalanamak]

child would like to, there are city-run leagues that cost very little. Used equipment abounds. But it is up to your child. I would never force one.
The "bonding" everyone yakks about is fine, for those accepted. For the shrimpy or uncoordinated or those that are shy, it can be horrible.

[JFS in IL]

Could this be your dad's underhand way of saying he wants his grandson to spend more time with other males, learning "manly" things???

[CleoQc]

Briefly, and based on nothing but my own opinion, I think boys benefit from that manly type of interaction where there is good-spirited competition with other men. A lot. What they get out of it is more than I can put into words. And this is the type of competition/comraderie that women usually roll their eyes at.


I totally agree. We're not talking sports competition here, just this general feeling that boys and men have to best each other at all times. Not all boys are like that. Mine isn't, at least so far - he's 10yo.
My DH told me he was completely non competitive till he hit his teens. Then he had to be the best at everything, including 'pissing the farthest' contests.

In school, competition is achieved through marks. It can be very important for boys to get the best marks. It's also one of the (many) reasons that (some) boys give up on school when they can't beat the girls.

At home, I've done competitions in the weirdest places. The cleanest room, the fastest room cleaning, the best folded shirt, etc... With prizes - usually a couple of bucks. Kids love it.

[WTMindy]

One thing I have noticed is that ds is very motivated in his co-op class to get his work done well and be one of the first done. I think a little bit of this is healthy and so I'm fine with it as long as he is doing his best work and not rushing to be first done. So, I think a little healthy competition can be a good thing.

[LG Gone Wild]

My dad who is generally supportive of homeschooling has been pressuring me that ds10 has no competition with other boys his age (apparently it doesn't matter if he competes with girls). Ds10 excels in academics (he doesn't need competition to motivate him to do well). He plays well with others - including impromptu competitive games. We do not have the money for team or competitive sports etc. Is competition necessary? (I suspect that this is a variation on the old "socialization" argument but it has caught me at an emotionally vulnerable time).

Boys need a tribe and they need to play king of the mountain. Why don't you experiment with it? If your dad really wants this, ask him to front the $$$ for some low cost competitive activity. Try it for a season and observe your ds. You'll know to your own satisfaction if competition is necessary to your ds's development and happiness.

[Laura K (NC)]

I don't think we moms know the male mind as well as we think we do. A pre-teen might not need competition as much as a teen boy would, but teen boys absolutely, absolutely need some form of competition in their lives. I believe that boys aren't really complete without it. I say that having one 13yo son who isn't noticeably competitive by nature... except when you notice his subtle interaction with his younger and older brother.

I agree with you, LG... try the competition this year, and then maybe next year or in the coming years and see what comes of it.

Competition is necessary for so many reasons... not just personal discipline. It promotes teamwork, encourages creativity, logical thinking, and perseverance, gives valuable opportunity to learn and express good sportsmanship, and prepares a boy for the workplace. I would argue that it also prepares a boy for dating and marriage. Nobody wants a limp-wristed boy for a date/spouse, who could care less whether he got this girl or the next, who would not fight for her OR for what is right because he isn't "competitive."

Competition IS important even if we don't understand it. It need not be equated with chest-thumping and gross triumphalism. It actually discourages these things if the boy is coached by good male role models.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Great responses! I need to think about this further - and talk to dh to get his manly opinion. I'm not worried about ds at this time but as many of you noted, he is getting older and it may be something we need to encourage more of. Ds is competitive to some degree. We play a lot of games - including outside physical games - and he wins some, loses some. He also has a lot more independence than many (even on this board!) - he bikes to the store and does light shopping at times, he runs his own bread "business", he runs the sound system/recording at our Bible study (working with other men). Last summer he went backpacking with a number of people (including dh) and came back swaggering with pride at his accomplishment. He doesn't have a lot of competition with boys of his own age though - at least with any regularity. And I have to push him some in the physical realm - he's capable - he'd just rather have his head in a book!