Margin, simplifiying, etc.

[profmom]

I'm only a little ways into the book Margin (http://www.amazon.com/Margin-Restoring-Emotional-Financial-Overloaded/dp/1576836827/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1208141745&sr=8-1) by Richard Swenson. I read a bit in the beginning and skipped to the chapter on time! We're needing to simplify and allow more margin. I've tried to be careful about not planning too many activities, but here we are anyway. (I think some of it is just wrapping up the year, choir concert, piano competitions, co-op, dh's overtime for "tax season," etc.)

Here's a quotation from Steve Jobs, "Focus does not mean saying yes, it means saying no." Here's a heading a bit into the chapter, "Get less done, but do the right things." (Sounds very LCC, doesn't it!)

Anyone else thinking along these lines and want to comment?

[Soph the vet]

This book is on my reading list but I've been too busy:lol:!! Seriously, it has. We said "no" a couple of years ago to almost all extracurricular activities or regularly scheduled ministry opportunities and it was a good decision for our family at that time. We had poured out and needed to do some refilling and reprioritizing. It was helpful and we discovered some things really weren't missed, others were and we are back at them. I would love to live as simple and decluttered a life as possible, I sometimes have to wait for the other four people in my house to feel the same way!

[HeatherH]

Soph, that reminds me of a question my dh and I kick around all the time. . .

When do we need to drop out b/c we as PARENTS are stressed, and at what point are we harming our kids b/c we are too tired/busy/stressed/etc. to meet their needs?

I think I'm not expressing this right. . . . . .

And example: my dh is the kind that gets easily stressed out and negative when there is any job stress (when he's employed, he's a music/orchestra director). So there are seasons when either we say no to everything, or we keep our commitments and he's very frustrated by our family's schedule. It actually has, at times, gotten to the point where others stop calling us, b/c they know we'll say "We're too busy".

I still don't know if I'm making sense!

At what point do we stop it all b/c we, as parents need margin?
At what point do we keep going b/c our kids are benefiting from the opportunities they have, to our own personal discomfort?

There, that's better!

[angela in ohio]

I just deleted a long post, as it all sounded sort of like bragging. Let's just say, yes, we have margin in our lives and it is really and truly wonderful. The one thing I would say is that you have to decide how much you value it - whether you value it more than all those other things....

[profmom]

This book is on my reading list but I've been too busy:lol:!! Seriously, it has.

I know exactly what you mean! If I didn't have the deadline of having to return it to the library, I'd have a harder time getting it read. Also, it's through ILL, so I know I can't just go pick it back up at any time.

[profmom]

I just deleted a long post, as it all sounded sort of like bragging. Let's just say, yes, we have margin in our lives and it is really and truly wonderful. The one thing I would say is that you have to decide how much you value it - whether you value it more than all those other things....

I understand not wanting to brag, but I bet we'd benefit from your experience. :D

[Mom2boys]

I've been thinking a lot about this too lately. I resigned from all my volunteer jobs last fall to see if that would help our school year, and it definitely has. As much as I would like to serve my homeschooling group and my church, my ongoing commitments were detrimental to our homeschooling. Now I find other ways to serve that are small, one-time-only commitments.

For next year I am thinking of paring the kids schedule back to only extra curriculars (youth group, sports, 4-H) and no co-op classes. Right now we are out of the house for a big chunk of Thursdays and Fridays due to co-ops. Those weekly commitments are doable until one other thing comes along - a dentist appointment, a field trip - and then it seems like our whole week becomes hectic, school work doesn't get done, and the house falls apart. I am thinking that we need to dump the co-ops to create margin, so we can meet friends for a picnic at the nature center, or go on a field trip to the zoo, without wrecking our week. Has anyone else tried something like this?

[Andie]

Could you elaborate, please? I'm sure it won't be taken as bragging.

Pretty please?

[momee]

Are we talking margins in life in general or just homeschooling?
Life in general - I had to ask myself if I really felt my first commitment was to home and hubby/kids. I thought so but my commitments didn't back this up. I'd continue to say yes to things which took me out of the house.
I had a season of stepping back - it was painfully boring at first, just being at home! But, I saw the delight in my family at having meals on the table and laundry done when needed. Little things I thought, but big security to the rest of them. I still struggle but we've decided one night every two weeks is perfect for me to do whatever I want - usually it's just being home with everyone but it's MY night.

Homeschooling? We quit the co-op also. I dreaded the decision thinking the kids would be bored, socially deprived, would we really get to science, blah blah blah.
Now we have our weeks free to set up as I (underline, bold) see fit. If we need a day to clean the new camper (yeehaw) we take it. If we go to town for a field trip we do it guilt free. If we're behind in science, big whoop. I'll catch them up eventually. Socially - we've noticed no change at all.
I also (big breath here) switched curricula. NO planning, no buying books etc. THAT has made a huge difference. Whereas before I was scouring websites on the weekends, making planning sheets, etc. Now I'm actually enjoying the time to read and be with my family.

As far as outside commitments for the kids we took a season off from sports. I cannot tell you the difference it made - we did family evening devotionals, read some great classic books, had dinner together almost every single night, and taught the kids to play poker.
Now it's ball season and they're loving it, but boy we sure have to work at being together as a family.

I would encourage you to include dh in your decisions on what needs to be marginalized. Mine was excellent at reminding me of things I forgot - and at dismissing fears that just weren't rational or concerns I had that were not practically how he saw things.

[MomSchool5]

I think we have the children in too much as it is and he just wants to pile on more, but he isn't home to help. Example: Daughter has dance and soccer with my teaching her piano. Dh wants her to take formal piano AND violin lessons and is mad I haven't arranged the violin. I've tried, but can't get a hold of the man. BOys MUST be in a sport each semester. They also take piano. We are heavily involved in church ministries as well. I have an ailing father I take care of. I would love to stay home and do NOTHING. But dh doesn't want them to be unsocial since we are homeschooling...

Mara

[profmom]

Are we talking margins in life in general or just homeschooling?

Both, everything. :D Thanks for your comments!

[profmom]

I think we have the children in too much as it is and he just wants to pile on more, but he isn't home to help. Example: Daughter has dance and soccer with my teaching her piano. Dh wants her to take formal piano AND violin lessons and is mad I haven't arranged the violin. I've tried, but can't get a hold of the man. BOys MUST be in a sport each semester. They also take piano. We are heavily involved in church ministries as well. I have an ailing father I take care of. I would love to stay home and do NOTHING. But dh doesn't want them to be unsocial since we are homeschooling...

Mara

Combining this post with your want-to-be-mom post makes me think the two are related. What do you think? Maybe your dh would see that changes need to be made if you talked to him about all the feelings you're having right now. I'm sorry you've been having difficult times.

In general, your comment "dh doesn't want them to be unsocial since we are homeschooling..." reminds me that, in my case, I have to catch myself to make sure I'm not making decisions based on fear. My ds isn't athletic at all -- neither is dh. Both are skinny (well...dh was), uncoordinated, and musical. (Dh's baseball career ended the day he was hit in the face with the ball -- probably the first game!) So, I tend to wonder how much to push him in this area -- what all do I need to sign him up for? What if he's an outcast because he's not in sports and all the other boys like to play ball together...that sort of thinking.

[Frontier Mom]

This is one of the most profound books I have ever read and you make me want to reread it!! After reading it probably 8 years ago, my dh and I stopped wearing watches at all. I couldn't believe how much stress it relieved, but now I laugh because I have about 3 I wear, though not at the same time.

I think Margin for one family is different from another. For example, my three ds's play baseball and that takes a huge chunk of our time. However, my dh coaches them and it is a great stress releaser for him. As a pastor, he has a hard time leaving the "church at church" IYKWIM, but on the baseball field he is enjoying spending time with the kids. I try to not schedule other things during this time and even comment, "Don't ask me during baseball season because I am not missing them play."

I store up books to read and enjoy reading them at practices, warm-ups, etc. My dd finds it a social time for her because, with three brothers playing, she has developed numerous friendships with other sisters. So, although it takes time, baseball becomes a family event we all enjoy. My oldest ds coaches with my dh and keeps the books. He even gives all the players their "stats" after the game. LOL

At other times of the year, I find my margin slipping. I prepare taxes for extra income so that puts extra work in my schedule. That is one of the reasons I like to school year round so we can do lite school or no school if I need that this time of year.

I find it easy to get bogged down more with the things that are one-time events but continually get asked to do them. Those are the things that sneak into my margin. This is the main reason I have never participated in a co-op also. I just didn't think it justified the time commitment.

I am so glad you brought this up!! I am going to get the book out and begin setting some boundaries again that have gotten pushed outside the limits.