Anyone with struggling kids?

[JMMom]

When my kids were very young, we planned on homeschooling them, but when I started trying to teach my oldest some basic things, it was a disaster. I really struggled with the decision, but ultimately I thought I wasn't cut out to be a homeschool mom and put her in public school. We even moved to a better area so we could have the kids in a higher rated school. Well, it turned out that she had the same problems IN school that I had with trying to teach her at home. I tried to get my husband to agree to homeschool again because obviously it wasn't me not doing it right like I thought, it was that she had some actual challenges and would benefit from the individual attention of homeschooling. He said absolutely not. We had uprooted, bought in an expensive area and they're going to go to the school we spent all that money to get them to. Grrr... I mean I get his perspective, but...

My daughter will be going into third grade this fall (next month! Ack!). We think she may have auditory processing disorder (a kind of deafness) which made it difficult for her to learn to read. That is also probably a big reason why she has trouble learning in general.

She learned to read semi-fluently in second grade. They had her in two intervention classes, which really did the trick for her. I had no new ideas on what to do at home. If we were homeschooling I would have backed way off and let her learn in her own time, but they were really pushing and it was starting to embarrass my DD and effect her confidence at school.

Because of all of the focus on reading and her having a hard time learning in general, she was mentally exhausted by the time her homework was done and just needed to go play and be a kid. I didn't have the heart to afterschool her this past year. I knew I couldn't teach her anything more advanced obviously, but thought originally that I could supplement what she was doing in school. My idea was to do things like during apple week go to the grocery store (talk about money), buy different kinds of apples (talk about sweet vs sour, different varieties, etc), do a taste test with the family (graphing). Fun, but educational. Applying learning to life. That kind of thing.

But my gosh! I just couldn't do it. She was just wiped out. She's normally a very active kid - imagine a kid with ADHD, but who actually pays attention in class and sits still when she's supposed to. Other than that she's boucing off the walls. That's normal for her. But on school days, when her homework was over (she had a packet of homework due at the end of every week, but the teacher had it broken up into what needed to be done on what days), all she had the energy to do was lay down on the couch and watch TV. Didn't even want to go outside.

Through the school year I started to notice how screwy the math curriculum is at her school. They jump around all over the place and don't really review. By the time they do a "review" it's a month or more after something was learned and most of the kids (not just my DD) don't remember how to do it. I think between Feb and May I had to completely reteach her how to do subtraction with regrouping three times.

I think I have a do-able plan for afterschooling this year. I'm going to take a few problems from her math homework every day and make review sheets for her. I'll probably have her do a review page at some point during every weekend so that when she goes back to school on Monday the concepts are more fresh. At this point that is my only plan. I know from other moms whose kids have gone through third grade that they have homework every day, so we'll see how she adjusts to that plus the weekend math review.

So does anyone else here do afterschooling with kids who struggle at school? What is your approach? What are your plans for this year?

Nancy

[OrganicAnn]

My DD struggles with handwriting. We've been working over the summer on it. Just doing copying and practicing letters and numbers. I was talking to my DH about how we are going to approach the school year. I wanted to buy Handwriting Without Tears and work on it as our afterschooling, but I was worried that the handwriting style would be different than what they are doing in school.

My DH had some good advice. He said we should ask the teacher. He thought that if we ask the teacher then we will get her working with us instead of us just going off on our own tangent.

We've found that many teachers have good insightful advice. But if she doesn't have any advice for us, then we will pursue the path we think best.

I also would try occasionally take a step back and look at the big picture to see if you are on the right course.

[Cadam]

Dd really struggles with Spelling. I found a spelling program that I really think fits her needs and how she thinks best. I am using it over the Summer and if it goes well, I plan to ask her teacher if she can be excused from spelling at school and just do it at home.

I understand your dh's pov, really I do, but when it comes to kids with LD's we have to be able to admit something didn't work (no matter how expensive it was) and try the next thing. Just because a school district is highly rated, doesn't mean they really can deal well with sn kids. Can you ask him for a compromise? If she doesn't make gains of xyz by Christmas, or this school year then you get a chance to hs her for a trial period?

[gingersmom]

Have you had her evaluated for an auditory processing issue or any other learning issues?

The problem is probably not public school vs. homeschool but some issue that needs to be addressed separately.

[random_outlaw]

I am experiencing this exact same situation with my 7-year-old DS who will be in 2nd grade next year. He has a lot of trouble in all literacy areas except comprehension - reading, writing, and spelling.

This will be his 3rd year in public school and I have finally been able to get some help for him there. He will be in the literacy room daily starting at the beginning of the year and the school's promoting success team is advocating for him.

I work with him at home but the homework sent home (especially spelling lists/activites) really interferes with the specialized work I do with him at home. Like a previous poster, I am considering asking that he be excused from spelling homework to leave us more time to study at home. Who knows if they will go for it though... at the very least I might be able to get them to cut the work by half so there is less to do.

[NanceXToo]

I like what Cadam said. You and your husband had a plan when the kids were young. You wanted to homeschool. Presumably he knew this and agreed to it.

You made a choice to send her to school because you thought it was YOU who couldn't homeschool- now you see that that isn't the case and that her interests aren't being best served by her being in public school.

I don't think it's fair for your husband to just "put his foot down" and make a blanket statement/decision that is against what YOU want to do, against what you originally both agreed on, and not in your child's best interests- just because of money.

Some things are more important than money.

I wouldn't be giving up so easily, myself, if I were you!

Good luck! :)

[Windmilldreamer]

My own kids are long past this, but I know well the frustration of working with kids who have learning problems within the school system. Your description of dealing with a child worn out at the end of the day sounds achingly familiar, and I remember being so frustrated that the job of pushing my child through homework that was not helpful for their particular learning problems left him and me with no emotional energy to tackle anything that might have been helpful in getting him to learn. Here are some things that helped:

1. Absolutely communicate as clearly as you can with the teacher. Let them know that you are on their side, and that both of you together want your child to learn. But make sure the teacher also knows as much as s/he can about who your child is.

2. Do whatever it takes to get your child tested for learning problems. If she is having enough problems in school, you can probably get the school system to pay for this. Possibly this is something you can discuss with your child's teacher early in the school year. But if for some reason the school does not agree that your child's problems merit testing, then if you can possibly afford it, get her tested by a psychologist who can give you and the school system a report. The more you know, the better the school and you can do to help her. The better documentation you have, the more you can do to force the school to provide specific help or specific work arounds for your daughter's problems. Those can be formal or informal.
I can't give examples for auditory processing disorder. But one of my sons is physically quite deaf in one ear. In fourth grade, at one point early in the year the teacher assigned a project to help the kids get to know each other, an information "scavenger hunt" where they would find someone with a dog, someone with a younger sister, etc. The result was cacaphony in the classroom, as everyone asked each other questions, and tried to collect appropriate signatures. It's a great group activity, and the teacher was quite annoyed that in the middle of it my son said "I can't do this", covered his ears, put his head down on the desk and refused to participate any further. I talked with my son, and as the whole story came out I concluded that he had done amazingly well under the circumstances. With hearing in only one ear, he cannot tell where a sound is coming from, and so sorting out different voices in the crowd is difficult. He was under a barrage of meaningless sound. At a younger stage, he might have screamed and possibly hit some one. All he did was withdraw. After that, we thought through situations that would make his monaural deafness a problem (he cannot, for instance, be blindfolded, and asked to respond to directions that depend on his being able to tell where sounds are coming from). There aren't many, and he doesn't need any special expensive help from the school to cope with this. But it makes a big difference for the teachers to know where there are potential problems. Now (he's grown, and a teacher in his own right) he can advocate for himself on these issues. Mostly it's a matter of making sure that people speak to his good side.

3. Without giving in on your position that the schools MUST do what is necessary for your daughter to be enabled to learn given her problem (it's the law), try not to be too inflexible about what that help will look like. I've gone in to the schools armed with what I thought was an important solution to a problem only to be shown a better idea by skilled and experienced teachers--but at the same time, had I not pointed out the problem, they might never have realized the need to do something.

4. Hang in there. Let your daughter know that she is going to be able to read well and do arithmetic well eventually--because you and she are going to do whatever it takes. As you learn more about the nature of her learning problem, help her to understand it to. "I have an auditory processing problem." is so much more helpful for a child to be saying to themselves than "I'm stupid."

5. I think it was in Junior High that a teacher finally said to me, "When your child has reached the breaking point, having worked hard on his homework, and you know he's done his best and cannot do any more, draw a line on the paper and sign it." You don't want to give up too easily. But we had a year in fourth grade where I was working 4 hours on Saturday and an hour a night throughout the week with my son just to get him through spelling homework that was unbelievably difficult and painful for him, and which did NOTHING to help him to learn to spell the words. Needless to say there was no energy left for activities that might have helped. I wish I had had the self-confidence at that point to go to the teacher and say, "I understand that these are wonderful exercises for most kids. We have tried hard, and this process is ripping our family apart. Please give me and him some space to try something different for a few weeks." It might not have worked. But it might have.

6. Do the best you can with the school system. But don't sacrifice your daughter. If it's not working, keep revisiting the homeschooling option with your husband.

Best wishes. Don't lose sight of the fact that your daughter is a wonderful person.