I need help with my new neighbor... (lots of venting, too!)

[jmgconner]

A couple with small children recently moved in next door. The mother scares me. I introduced myself over the back fence when they moved in, and this lady proceeds to tell me every single thing that is wrong with her (medical issues, she lived in foster homes all her life, her DH just got fired, etc.). Dumbfounded, I tried to express my sorrow for her situation and wished her all the best.

A while back she shows up on my front porch. When I answered the door, she tried to immediately walk into my home. It wasn't like I was holding the door open for her - I opened my wooden door and she opened the screen door and started to walk in. She wanted to bring her children over to play. I'm a private person (except for when I'm airing my frustrations on the internet :lol: ) and she made me very uncomfortable. Not to mention, I'm also homeschooling - it's not like I'm sitting around watching TV all day long.

She showed up a few days later when my Mom was at my home. My Mom opened the door and again, this lady tried to walk right into my house. My Mom stopped her and let her know that neither I, nor my children, were at home and that she could not come in.

My Mother-in-Law was over yesterday watching the children while I ran some errands. Neighbor lady wants to lift her daughter over the fence so she can play with my children. DMIL is uncomfortable baby-sitting my two toddlers, my 3-week old newborn, and adding this unknown child to the mix, so she declines. Then, neighbor tells my DMIL that it's probably best she didn't since the little girl has the STOMACH FLU! Oh my goodness! Why is this child even outside? My children have been down at the fence talking to the little girl for over 30 minutes, passing around a toy this girl had just received. This lady has exposed my children to the stomach flu. She KNOWS I just had a baby. At this point, my DMIL tells the children that it's time to go in the house. She has them wash up, but now I'm keeping an eye out for any hint of the stomach flu.

How do you deal with a neighbor like this? I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of having her over or letting her children to come over and play. (For the record, I feel quite uncomfortable having ANY 2 year old over to play, especially right now with a newborn - my hands are full and I'm not up to watching another child.)

[Pencil Pusher]

Oh. my. goodness. I have no good advice, but I thought I could at least extend sympathy while you're waiting for the wiser board ladies.

Oh. my. goodness. Somebody else will tell you how to deal w/ her. Personally, I'd avoid her. But I'm passive agressive, & that's usually not nice. And impractical.

Can you plant some bushes?

:grouphug:

[j.griff]

Can you put up a privacy fence? Put a sign on your door that says you aren't accepting visitors that aren't "scheduled"? Maybe add something to such a sign that says, "Newborn Baby resides here- please do NOT even think about visiting if you are ill or have been exposed to an illness".
I would not want to tick her off, since she sounds a bit "off"- but I would NOT want to have her in my home again- EVER. And I sure as heck wouldn't want my DC playing with hers through the fence- since she obviously has no scruples about sharing bugs and has absolutely no effing idea what a boundary is. I just wouldn't answer the door if she rings again- OR I'd be prepared to be grumpy every time I answered the door, JIC it's her. "NO, we can't play now We're BUSY!" and shut the door. No explanation needed. But then, I CAN be rude with no guilt when someone else is being rude and pushing me. Blech.

[gardenschooler]

There should be a name for people like this. I know why she told you her entire life story and all of her problems the second she met you. It's so that you would know that now you're responsible for it all, and in it with her. By even listening, these people think you're somehow going to fix their life for them, or die trying. She'll expect favors, sympathy, free babysitting, free marriage counseling, maybe even ask you to loan her money.

Some people live their lives in crisis mode, and end up hating everyone who tries to help them. They don't want to change, they just want to be relieved of all responsibility for their own lives. Beware of phrases like 'just until I get this sorted out'. It never gets sorted.

Run! AWAY! Quickly!

Relegate her to smile and wave status. No, don't smile. Wave and run. Don't be her next victim.

[Laurie]

I am a big believer in fences, and in your case it sounds like what you need is a very TALL fence.

I think you'll want to set firm boundaries with this woman before it's too late. If it's possible to lock your screen door, I'd start locking it. And however you need to accomplish this, I'd make sure she knows you don't have an open-door policy otherwise she'll have the power to barge in on you whenever she pleases. You are busy with a baby, you are busy homeschooling, you're busy PERIOD...you really don't owe her an explanation of why you're unavailable!

I get very frustrated with the people who apparently live by the "village mentality" that everyone else is responsible for providing something for the children that THEY brought into the world, and that by simply telling their problems that somehow earns them easy access to childcare, handouts, etc. I'm not against neighbors helping neighbors, but sometimes I just want to shout "We've got our own problems/concerns...how are we supposed to take on yours as well!!!" Already your neighbor sounds like this kind of person. Since you can't vote her off the island, at least don't form "alliances" with her unless you feel called to make her problems yours.

I'm really not an unfeeling person, but there are just too many people looking for an "easy" mark these days. And that's just not neighborly in my book!

[OnTheBrink]

This woman has obviously had a very hard and confusing life, having been in foster care, medical problems, etc. I'm guessing no one's taught her a single social skill and I would bet she played outside when sick herself when she was little. I feel sorry for her.

However, I'd suggest gently setting limits with her. I bet no one ever set any or respected any with her. I'd tell her, "I"m sorry, if your daughter is sick, please don't bring her over. My dc may catch what she has." Or, "Right now, my dc are busy with lessons and I can't visit or let the dc visit with your dd." I bet if you stay consistant and gentle, she'll get it and start respecting limits.

It's a hard situation, all around.

[KidsHappen]

therefore you are busy until say 5:00 in the evening and then you have to make dinner and then have evening family time therefore you really don't have a lot of time to socialize. Also you have your hands full with an infant. Perhaps then she will get the message that you really don't have much time and energy in your life for a new friendship. Good luck with this.

[Jennifer in NH]

I agree whole heartedly to not get invloved at all! So far, everything has been good advice in my opinion! How awful! I feel so bad that I do not have any good advice exept, do not let her in! And never be nice! It will be taken advantage of!
really fast growing bushes next to that fence would be good! or yes, another fence with a privacy screen!
For the record, I wouldn't be much good at this...I'd be hiding in my house, or going out more often...

[Gailmegan]

When I have a newborn in the house I have no problem setting clear boundaries. I hate when I am nursing and the babe is almost asleep and someone knocks on the door. And keeps knocking! I resorted to putting signs on the front door, "Infant sleeping. Do not ring bell. Please call before visiting." And then I would refuse to answer the door at all. and if you bump into her when outside, kindly explain that you are in a transition right now and that the baby isn't on a schedule, and that you need time for your family to adjust.

[Rebecca in GA]

Or she could be lonely and in need of a friend, but because of her background, not really sure how to make or be one.

Set your boundaries, protect your family and don't be afraid to say no, but please be kind to her as far as you are able. :)

[jmgconner]

Oh, thank you all! Call me a bee, but I like knowing that I'm not completely out in left field or on some hormonal post-pregnancy float.

Clear boundaries. The privacy fence is on our must-get list.

[Soph the vet]

If the fence doesn't work and the boundary-setting conversation doesn't work then you could either get a really big dog or drop hints that "Uncle Jethro is coming to stay with your family when he gets sprung from the big house next week...but don't worry because he's got one of those ankle monitors...so if he wanders into her yard the police will be there soon enough to get him before he can do any harm" :lol:!! Maybe she'll be the one to put up the fence first and save you the cost.

[fishnoises]

You can be nice and not have to be friends. Nip this in the bud now! Do not EVER let them over. Don't let her trample over you.
I am sorry you have to deal with this. Really sorry!!! Gave me the creeps reading this.....

[strider]

She sounds utterly boundary-less.

I do not think one conversation will do it, or one reminder. I think you will have to sweetly, smilingly, and continually set boundaries.

You will have to relate to her in some ways just as you do to a toddler--sweetly, smilingly, firmly, and continually setting boundaries.

Start locking your screen door. A simple hook and eye will do the trick. Pick ONE brief statement that you will repeat when she tries to come in. Something like, "I'm sorry, we're really busy right now and cannot visit together with you." Smile brightly. Repeat as necessary.

For yard time, do the same. Pick one statement, smile brightly, and repeat. "I'm sorry, I cannot watch your child right now." Don't forget to keep smiling, and just repeat.

She may be totally manipulative or just not real smart, or maybe both. Either way she's been hurt a lot in life and hasn't learned how to relate to people appropriately. You can be kind (smiling, waving hello) but still set boundaries. I would guess that her behavior will be a continual cycle of attempted encroachments on your life, but you keep smiling, using a friendly tone of voice, and firmly saying "no" as I have suggested above.

[Stacy in NJ]

I haven't read the other replies, but your newborn gives you the perfect excuse to politely avoid this relationship. Everytime she comes over, everytime she asks for a playdate, simply say, "I'm sorry I'm so tired from the midnight feeding....concerned about the babies cough.... have my hands full with a newborn....." If you keep this up eventually she'll get the hint. She sounds intrusive, I'd avoid her like the plague. Be consistent, though.

[Stacy in NJ]

This woman has obviously had a very hard and confusing life, having been in foster care, medical problems, etc. I'm guessing no one's taught her a single social skill and I would bet she played outside when sick herself when she was little. I feel sorry for her.

However, I'd suggest gently setting limits with her. I bet no one ever set any or respected any with her. I'd tell her, "I"m sorry, if your daughter is sick, please don't bring her over. My dc may catch what she has." Or, "Right now, my dc are busy with lessons and I can't visit or let the dc visit with your dd." I bet if you stay consistant and gentle, she'll get it and start respecting limits.

It's a hard situation, all around.


This is very kind advice, and if this person were not an immediate neighbor, I'd agree with it. Because they are next door and the OP said she was a private person, I, for one, would use stronger tactics.:001_smile:

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

There should be a name for people like this. I know why she told you her entire life story and all of her problems the second she met you. It's so that you would know that now you're responsible for it all, and in it with her. By even listening, these people think you're somehow going to fix their life for them, or die trying. She'll expect favors, sympathy, free babysitting, free marriage counseling, maybe even ask you to loan her money.

Some people live their lives in crisis mode, and end up hating everyone who tries to help them. They don't want to change, they just want to be relieved of all responsibility for their own lives. Beware of phrases like 'just until I get this sorted out'. It never gets sorted.

Run! AWAY! Quickly!

Relegate her to smile and wave status. No, don't smile. Wave and run. Don't be her next victim.



Whenever someone tells me their entire medical and social history within 15 minutes of my meeting them, I think "codependent."

[CalicoKat]

If the fence doesn't work and the boundary-setting conversation doesn't work then you could either get a really big dog or drop hints that "Uncle Jethro is coming to stay with your family when he gets sprung from the big house next week...but don't worry because he's got one of those ankle monitors...so if he wanders into her yard the police will be there soon enough to get him before he can do any harm" :lol:!! Maybe she'll be the one to put up the fence first and save you the cost.
ROFLOL!!!

I think "Uncle Jethro's" coming to my house first. :lol:

Sigh, yucky neighbors

[Mamabegood]

When we first moved into our current house, about 5 years ago, the neighbor across the street did the same thing. Came over to say welcome, and spent the next 20 minutes telling me about her depression, her current meds, her problems with her children and husband, etc.

Fortunately, other than that initial conversation, we've only seen each other in passing--really just waving while driving by. I didn't realize what a close escape I had. Of course, maybe she went home and told her family about the crazy homeschooling family that just moved in, and warned her kids to stay away.:D

[Laura in VA]

If the fence doesn't work and the boundary-setting conversation doesn't work then you could either get a really big dog or drop hints that "Uncle Jethro is coming to stay with your family when he gets sprung from the big house next week...but don't worry because he's got one of those ankle monitors...so if he wanders into her yard the police will be there soon enough to get him before he can do any harm" :lol:!! Maybe she'll be the one to put up the fence first and save you the cost.

:lol:

[Carol in Cal.]

All my hackles are up. High!

She sounds mentally ill or maybe like she is 'casing' your home.

I hope I'm wrong.

I am usually not quick to judge people, but for some reason this particular story is really frightening to me. Please be very careful to protect your family.

[jmgconner]

Thank you all so much! I've run out of rep points to give out. So reps to you all!

[lori in tx]

OMG you have my crazy friend (http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18635&highlight=phone) as a neighbor:glare: I am so sorry she is now bothering you. You need to find a way to lock your screen when we lived in the hood (right now we live down the street from it:lol:) we used a hook eye on the top and bottom. The top was so the kids would not come and unlock when I did not want the too.

Do you live in a duplex? I was just wondering how she knows you are home. One person told me one time why do you even answer the door? It is your door do not feel like you have to answer it. One of the best house we lived in had a broken doorbell, if she gets to ringing it you could disconnect it.

OHHH and I love the Uncle Jethro story that is great:lol::lol::lol: Uncle Jethro needs to visit me and have a talk with my crazy friend but he can visit you at the same time I will share:D

blessings
lori
p.s the boundaries book has been a huge help for me not that you need it you are making clear boundaries. Just keep making them!

[Denise in IN]

She sounds utterly boundary-less.

I do not think one conversation will do it, or one reminder. I think you will have to sweetly, smilingly, and continually set boundaries.

You will have to relate to her in some ways just as you do to a toddler--sweetly, smilingly, firmly, and continually setting boundaries.

Start locking your screen door. A simple hook and eye will do the trick. Pick ONE brief statement that you will repeat when she tries to come in. Something like, "I'm sorry, we're really busy right now and cannot visit together with you." Smile brightly. Repeat as necessary.

For yard time, do the same. Pick one statement, smile brightly, and repeat. "I'm sorry, I cannot watch your child right now." Don't forget to keep smiling, and just repeat.

She may be totally manipulative or just not real smart, or maybe both. Either way she's been hurt a lot in life and hasn't learned how to relate to people appropriately. You can be kind (smiling, waving hello) but still set boundaries. I would guess that her behavior will be a continual cycle of attempted encroachments on your life, but you keep smiling, using a friendly tone of voice, and firmly saying "no" as I have suggested above.


Ditto to everything that Strider said! Be clear, be firm, be repetitive. Kindly and with a smile when possible, but stick to your guns. Trust your instincts and set the boundaries that you feel are best for your family. Don't go against your instincts because you feel bad for her or feel guilty.

If she starts talking on and one about her problems (and she certainly will do so again :blink:), have a conversation ending reason/excuse ready so you can either cut her off at the beginning, or listen briefly, then cut her off. Or be ready to change the subject (just consider it "bean dip passing" practice!).

You will probably "hurt her feelings", but your boundary setting may (a long shot, but just maybe) teach her a little bit about appropriate social interaction and boundaries in relationships.