How to handle "contrary" child?

[Perry]

Any ideas on how to handle a child who never wants to do what the rest of us are doing?

Whatever we're having for dinner, she suddenly hates. Of course, it may be the same thing she begged to eat last week.

If the rest of the family wants to go to a movie, she wants to play tennis (which she usually can't stand).

And so on.

I am a total nonconformist. I encourage my kids to be independent. But she doesn't get that being part of a family means you've got to go along with everyone else sometimes, too. She seems to want to be different just for the sake of being contrary. She isn't defiant or anything, she'll sit at the table with us, but she'll scowl at her plate and won't eat. Anyone BTDT?

[nmoira]

She isn't defiant or anything, she'll sit at the table with us, but she'll scowl at her plate and won't eat. Anyone BTDT?As long as she is polite (IMHO scowling doesn't count as impolite unless you're out), I'd simply be pleasant and not make an issue of it one way or the other. It's her problem, not yours (as much as she might like to make it yours).

If the issue is a family outing and my oldest makes a big deal of not wanting to go, I will sometimes say, "If you really don't want to go, I'll stay home with you, and sis and Dad can go out. I'll warn you though, I'll be taking advantage of the opportunity to do some reading/cleaning/whatever and won't be available to you." Since TV and computer are limited, there's no other "easy" entertainment available. Reading doesn't count, because she can read in the car, or a restaurant, or most places we go. She has never chosen to stay home, but I would honor her if she did. Of course, there are some times that we have to go, and I'll talk a bit about sometimes having to do something we don't like and make sure she knows I expect her to be polite and considerate of others.

[K&Rs Mom]

Well, I was like this as a kid, but my parents don't have any advice now that my oldest is the same way. :glare: If it helps, I turned out to be a pretty respectable member of the community.

We, too, are struggling to find the line between independence and conformity. Mine is also a screamer, so even where the line is obvious (i.e. it's very rude to yell in church when people are trying to listen) we have some enforcement troubles.

As of about 1/2 hour ago, she has lost her decision making powers until she can show us that she can manage them responsibly. Today she argued with dh that she didn't want to go to the park, then when I said she could stay home with me (same as above, home but not fun) she argued with me about that. I told her she could ask dh nicely if he would still allow her to come (he & younger were on the way out), and she did, and went and had a good time. Stuff like this has shown me that she is not handling decisions well, so mom & dad will be making all of her decisions until she has shown some sense. We try to follow the basic ideas of Love & Logic, and this is about the best application I can come up with at the moment.

[fishnoises]

I usually say, "You don't have to like it. You just have to eat it." Or 'It really doesn't matter if you hate ______ (fill in the problem of the day), you still have to do it." I usually follow with an alternative choice that I know they would hate more.
Why does everyhting we do and eat have to be a party?????? SHeeesh.