Advice on wording a birthday card for my Dad's "BIG" celebration.

[Daisy]

First off, we will not be there. We simply cannot afford to fly 3,000 miles for a birthday party. My Mom put a lot of pressure on us to fly out but it isn't going to happen. So my Mom wants me to send something to be read aloud at the party.

Second of all, my Dad and I have issues. He was abusive to my sister and I, as children. He has repented, asked for forgiveness & moved on. Actually, all of us really have moved on and yet to be quite frank, we'll never be a "close" family to my parent's chagrin. I would never leave my children in his care alone (for example). My birthday cards to him in the past have consisted of, "Happy Birthday. Hope it was a good one."

I really have nothing to say. I cannot for one minute imagine what I could write to be read in front of all my Dad's relatives and friends that would "sound" right, show respect but not be a total lie. At this point, I've just been putting it off.

Can any of you help me with wording?

[Cheryl in NM]

I'm sorry you are in this position.

I would say that if this makes you uncomfortable don't do it. You don't owe him anything, even if you've forgiven him. I would just send the type of card that I always send and if they chose to read it aloud that's what they'll do. Your mom really is being unreasonable here. It's great that everyone has moved on, but like you said, you won't ever be a close family. That can't happen; the possiblity was shattered by your father. Some things can't be fixed.

[Daisy]

Anyone else want to take a stab at it??

[percytruffle]

Ok, I shouldn't, but I couldn't resist this one:

Birthday Blessings

Instead of counting candles,
Or tallying the years,
Contemplate your blessings,
As your birthday nears.

Consider special people
Who love you, and who care,
And others who’ve enriched your life
Just by being there.

Think about the memories
Passing years can never mar,
Experiences great and small
That have made you who you are.

Another year is a happy gift,
So cut your cake, and say,
"Instead of counting birthdays,
I count blessings every day!"

By Joanna Fuchs

It can, of course, be read with two different ideas in mind. To those who know nothing of the past events it seems like a sweet sentiment, but read another way it can be quite cutting, ie: "Think about the memories
Passing years can never mar", and a reminder of what he has missed out on.

I don't envy you this task, but I understand why you feel compelled to do it. You are a special person for wanting to make the effort to please your mom.

Best of luck with it.

[Cheryl in NM]

Anyone else want to take a stab at it??

:lol: I didn't think my post would go over well! No hard feelings. I like the generic response that you received. I've also done that for family members that really don't deserve alot of sentiment.

[Daisy]

It isn't that your post wasn't well received. I just can't actually do that, as much as I'd like to. KWIM??

[claire up north]

First off, let me say that I totally understand your issue. There are similar dynamics in my family. I used to blame my dad for just TONS of stuff, and I still do, but I'm learning that my mom has done her share to make me feel guilty about not making my dad feel loved enough. I hate it when I am set up to Make Believe that things were different than they were.

So, here's what would be running through my head. First, I'd have to decide if I was going to allow myself to be manipulated. The good news is that now I can decide that. For many years, I was just manipulated and I didn't even know it. So allowing myself to give them what they want is not too bad (imho), because I am still in control of the situation. I am choosing to play.

That being said, I don't always feel like playing. So maybe you'll decide just to ignore your mom. Or, maybe you'll send your usual b-day card. Or, maybe you'll send one that is funny...it can even be quite personal...like "remember, dad, when you....{insert something funny}"

If, however, your long-term goal is to heal the relationship with your dad, then you have another option. Send something heartfelt, but make it real. Acknowledge how your relationship has gone through ups and downs. Talk about your future hopes for him. DON'T make it just a reminder of all the bad stuff he's done; make it about how the two of you are growing stronger together.

Now, that said, I could not do that. My dad and I just aren't on the same page.

Another option you have is one I have actually used. I sent my dad a father's day card with a bunch of Thank You's. I said things like, "Thank you for accepting my husband and welcoming him into the family." "Thank you for being strong and not giving up even when things didn't go well." "Thank you for paying for my college education...a gift I will always treasure and hope to pass on to the next generation."

At first I thought this was going to be really hard (and it DID take some serious thought!) but it wasn't as hard as I anticipated. My dad screwed a lot of stuff up, but he DID do some things I am grateful for. The trick was to write them in such a way that they didn't sound trite. Perhaps this would work for you.

Good luck!

[Josie]

I have a friend whose father was abusive to her until the end. She went through many ups and downs trying to deal with her feelings. She finally made herself sit down and write some good things about her father that impacted her life. It was really therapeutic for her.

I know your situation is different as your father is still alive, but perhaps you could do this for yourself. How about finding a Bible verse or two to share? Thank him for his part in bringing you to this world so that you know the pleasures of having a great husband and children. Did he take you to church? Thank him for that. Did he buy you ice cream on your tenth birthday? Thank him for that. Did he ever bandage a skinned knee? Thank him for that. You said he has repented. Thank him for being man enough to show you how to be repentant when you make mistakes. (Don't be specific here...just a general thing.) Did he teach you to make or do anything? Did he ever take you anywhere special? Did he hold your hand on the way to school your first day? (May Dad did and I still remember.)

I don't know the specifics of your abuse, and I am NOT trying to lessen the impact it had on your life, but this may help you more than you realize. I know it did help my friend.

May the Lord guide you as you write.

Blessings to you and yours,

[WTMCassandra]

I would do what you believe is right after some hard thinking. If a verse or a word of thanks feels right, go ahead. If just a card signed with your name feels right, do that. There were some good ideas listed about content. I am glad that he is repentant. It could be worse! But I can understand how you would still be somewhat unimpressed at being forced to spit out flowery prose.

I hereby give you permission to NOT obey your mother's unseemly pressure. There is no rule that says you have to write something read-out-loud-able. She was wrong to pressure you to come, and she is wrong to pressure you to write something profound.

I highly recommend you do what will make you feel good to look at yourself in the mirror and that will still seem right after he has passed away.

Hugs!

[Cheryl in NM]

It isn't that your post wasn't well received. I just can't actually do that, as much as I'd like to. KWIM??

I know. That's what I meant. It's alienating.

[Daisy]

Thanks everyone. Dh says he will help me brainstorm. I'm probably going to do something like the thank you list mentioned. My Dad is a retired minister and the family's "issues" have never come into public light so the card has to be "vague" or "glowing", KWIM?? There is no way it can be a dig. I wouldn't want it to be anyway but it is just hard to come up with something that doesn't sound shallow and LAME. Thanks for the emotional hug and the ideas. They really did help. Now I just have to "do" it.