How can she feel so inferior? Please tell me homeschooling will help???

[dmmetler]

DD is 5, grade skipped into K early, doing 1st and 2nd grade work in K in parochial school now, and is going to be doing mostly 2nd and 3rd grade+ level material when we start homeschooling, just because that's about the minimum that won't bore her to tears. She's a good artist and a quite solid primer level pianist, and sings quite well for her age. IOW-she's a good kid who has a lot of strengths.

Unfortunately, she's also not terribly coordinated for her age. Not abnormally so, but right on the low end of normal and just skirting SID. With kids her age, it's not bad, but even the 6-18 month age difference between her and her school classmates is enough that she stands out as being significantly less capable.

And, doubly unfortunately, her parochial school, and indeed our church, is pretty sports-minded, and cheers their soccer players, t-ball stars, basketball winners, and so on. DD, for the most part, isn't even age eligible to be on the teams-and when she is, she's the youngest and feels incapable, so often ends up wanting to quit or hanging on the sidelines, looking at bugs. And DD feels bad. Add that to the kids in her class who are already in competitive dance or gymnastics, having started at 2-3 years old, and DD, who loves her dance class, feels bad about only being in the preschool beginning group, even though she only started last summer.


DD has, recently, been making a lot of statements about "I always lose" or "I'm the worst in the class" or "Another thing everyone is better at than me".

Recently there was a school chapel where the K teacher talked about different gifts, and used DD as an example of being gifted in reading-and DD followed it by reading the scripture-EXACTLY like a K student would do it-not her usual fluent self at all. Which came down to "I don't want to be special that way".

It hurts so bad to see my child rejecting the gifts God gave her because she feels that you get more recognition for being a good soccer player, or gymnast, or track star. And it hurts even more to hear her devalue herself and what she's good at because she doesn't see it as important.

Please, please tell me that homeschooling will help?

[Carol in Cal.]

Exactly.

I was a year younger than the rest of the class. I was small for my age, making things worse. I was the absolute best at all academics and music, and the absolute worst at everything physical--handwriting, drawing, and PE/sports. For about 8 years, the whole time I was in that parochial school. I also was extraordinarily sensitive to tastes, texture, and rough clothing. I could not stand to wear kneesocks until I was 13 because they made my legs crawl. Looking back on it, I suspect that I had mild SID, resistant.

I can't tell you why, but for some reason, although this bothered me, I never let it make me not be the best at what I was best at. I think it was because the school I attended was Lutheran, so it really emphasized academics and didn't emphasize sport too much. This is more typical, I think, of Lutheran than of other types of parochial schools.

I do think that if your child is purposely dumbing herself down, that is a pretty clear sign of trouble, especially at that young age. And, yes, I do think that homeschooling will help with that.

[Rebecca VA]

I recommend putting her in a more serious ballet school, one that doesn't even mention competitions for young girls. (Over at the Ballet Alert chat board, competition schools are called "Dolly Dinkles," and they're not respected at all among the classical ballet teachers.) If you and she take a "slow and steady" approach to ballet, and she's willing to stay with it, it will help her tremendously with her poise, balance, and strength.

My own daughter (now 13) was uncoordinated and floppy when she was little. A physical therapist recommended swimming, ballet, and/or tai kwon do for her. Those activities are all excellent for crossing the midline and are MUCH less expensive than weekly occupational therapy sessions. My daughter has now done ballet for nine years. I can't tell you how much it has helped her. She is graceful and beautiful instead of awkward and embarrassed. If we had not had a wonderful ballet studio in our town, I would have put her into tai kwon do or onto a swim team.

Best wishes to you as you begin homeschooling! You and she will love it!

[Gratia271]

DD has, recently, been making a lot of statements about "I always lose" or "I'm the worst in the class" or "Another thing everyone is better at than me". It hurts so bad to see my child rejecting the gifts God gave her because she feels that you get more recognition for being a good soccer player, or gymnast, or track star. And it hurts even more to hear her devalue herself and what she's good at because she doesn't see it as important. Please, please tell me that homeschooling will help?

First, I will pray for both of you. I think homeschooling will help her tremendously. IMO this is partly a fixture of American culture. We prize athletic acumen and minimize academic ability. Sad but true. I have read many books on gifted education, and it is not uncommon for girls to mask their abilities in order to assimilate into their environments. Boys don't struggle with this (from what I have read and based on my own experience with my son). My oldest dd struggled with this when she was little. At age 5, her functional level was that of an 11 year old. Being highly perceptive, she tried to mask her abilities because she didn't want anyone else to feel bad. It was very difficult for her for a while, but she got through it. Your daughter will too! At such a young age, children need to be protected from these negative feelings and suggestions. They know they are different... their "peers" know they are different. Some kids don't care about being different, whereas others do. I pulled my oldest from a private school (K at age 4 teaching the class) for some of these reasons, and I never regretted it. Your daughter will thrive with you at home! :001_smile:

[nmoira]

My own daughter (now 13) was uncoordinated and floppy when she was little. A physical therapist recommended swimming, ballet, and/or tai kwon do for her.:iagree:
I wouldn't call me eldest uncoordinated, but she is less than graceful. ;) She was in Aikido for three years, and is still taking (non-competitive) gymnastics and swimming. These have done wonders for her sense of co-ordination and body awareness, and in the case of swimming, for her sense of rhythm as well. As long as you can avoid a competitive vibe (e.g. racing in class, or a sense of "best") individual sports can be a big help.

[Rebecca VA]

You're right, Nmoira. I meant "non-competitive (or developmental) swim team." That type of team actually teaches young swimmers and encourages them to get better.

[dmmetler]

She's in an LCMS school-but in general, our whole suburb seems to be athletic/physically competitive, so it spills over-I suspect that if the school didn't sponsor youth soccer, little league, and basketball teams, they'd have no students at all. I don't know that there's any school, public, parochial, or private, that is relaxed in this regard. Even many of the larger homeschool groups sponsor teams, and even the relaxed one that I think will be a good fit for us (which seems to be mostly families who ended up homeschooling because their child simply wasn't a good fit for traditional schools, so LOTS of gifted kids, kids with LDs, kids with medical issues, and kids who are just plain quirky) I'd say at least half the kids play a sport competitively (the other half, fortunately, are more into drama and performing arts, which I suspect will be a better fit for my DD).

She's in a dance school that is non-competitive and more serious, but that doesn't mean her classmates at school are. And at dance, she seems to be doing well, fitting in, and having fun. It's also quite common for very young girls to be in competitive or precompetitive gymnastics or cheerleading here. Two of DD's three cousins are in gymnastics, one in competitive at age 8, one in pre-competitive at age 5 (and probably going competitive fairly soon, but her mother wants her to get into school and adjust there before adding more practices a week). Only the 3 yr old is in a program for gymnastics similar to my DD's dance program-working on basic skills and mostly having fun with other little girls, without any expectations of winning trophies or awards.


I just hope that once she's home for the summer (and to stay), and not at school getting her face rubbed into the fact that she's younger and less physically developed daily, she'll adjust and recover.

[Brindee]

YES, homeschooling will help! You'll need to allow for adjustment time, and do research to find a strongly academic Homeschool Group, but it will free her from feeling she inferior and clumsy! YOU will be her teacher. Noone else loves your dd any more than you do!

I always say that if for no other reason (though really there are MANY!), I'm glad I have had the opportunity to homeschool my middle child! He was NOT interested in academics when he was your dd's age. He was as sweet as pie, but didn't want to read or anything like that. When he was nearing 7, suddenly a light went on--he talked 100 miles an hour (didn't talk a whole lot before that, unlike his brother and sister), using huge words I didn't even know he knew! He went from 0-60 in seconds, it seemed, with math as well! He read the newspaper sports stats with his dad. The transformation was amazing! He had lots of energy now too! Sometimes I'd send him out to run around the house, so he could use up some of the energy and be better able to focus on the curriculum work. He has always been naturally funny. Even when he was 3 or 4 he would say hilarious things when he did choose to talk! As he got older he was racing though his schoolwork, he talked a lot, he liked making people laugh and being silly, and he had to move and say things out loud to really learn them well! At school he would've been ahead in his classwork, fidgity because he'd have to sit in a desk all day, goofy because he'd be bored, and in trouble, cuz it's hard to run a classroom with a kid like that!

At home, I allowed him to be himself. He didn't have to conform to anyone else's idea of what he should be like. Since he didn't start this intellectual spurt until nearly 7, he would've been told he was dumb cuz he couldn't read yet, and probably put in a special group. With his needing to move a lot and his talking and goofiness, he would've been labeled as adhd and they'd want to medicate him. I see a lot of negatives about him going to school! But at home I allowed him to move and say things out loud. I'd have him do jumping jacks while practicing his spelling words, etc. He didn't have to sit still, or sit at a desk, his teacher (me) loved him so much that she was able to encourage him in his positive traits and work with the other things.

He's now 16 years old, and very positive about himself and his abilities and knows when to put the brakes on his silliness, etc.

Yes, homeschooling will give her the advantage of being deeply loved and cared for, encouraged in positive things, and get one-on-one attention!

I think it's a very smart move for your dd, and I wish you all the best in your journey!

[musicianmom]

I was just like your dd. I went K-12 in a school much like you describe. It doesn't ever get better in that environment. Thank you for being willing to homeschool her.

[Carol in Cal.]

She's in an LCMS school-but in general, our whole suburb seems to be athletic/physically competitive, so it spills over-I suspect that if the school didn't sponsor youth soccer, little league, and basketball teams, they'd have no students at all. I don't know that there's any school, public, parochial, or private, that is relaxed in this regard. Even many of the larger homeschool groups sponsor teams, and even the relaxed one that I think will be a good fit for us (which seems to be mostly families who ended up homeschooling because their child simply wasn't a good fit for traditional schools, so LOTS of gifted kids, kids with LDs, kids with medical issues, and kids who are just plain quirky) I'd say at least half the kids play a sport competitively (the other half, fortunately, are more into drama and performing arts, which I suspect will be a better fit for my DD).



I am LCMS, and the schools out here are just not like that. They teach basketball, flag football, and volleyball, and are in leagues that compete, but that's about it. Oh, and there is an annual track meet.

Looking back on it, I do remember that I NEVER got a ball when the teacher threw out balls at recess for us to play with. I minded this a bit, but became very good at imaginative play with a few friends. And eventually my mom bought me my own ball at a thrift store, and I brought it every day. I couldn't manage jacks or jump rope at all, so I practiced at home until I could do it. I was just always behind.

But I profoundly believed that the things I was good at were inherently much more important than the things I was not, and that made the school good for me. Also, no one EVER could physically hurt anyone else, so my complete incapability at rough and tumble was not significant--I didn't have to stand up for myself physically ever. It created the space I needed to really thrive.

I'm so sorry it's not working out that way for your daughter. It's very disappointing.

[FlockOfSillies]

I was a lot like this, too, right down to the LCMS school, although I was somewhat more coordinated and athletic. But it never occurred to me to hide my academic strengths, so I was always unpopular. One of the reasons I decided to homeschool was to protect my oldest dd, who is not athletic at all, from having her uniqueness shoved in her face every day.