Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

[JennifersLost]

If I post this here everyone will see it, right? I used to be Jennifer (Good Witch of the West) but changed to JennifersLost for the new board - GardenSchooler asked me why.

I spent the first day after the boards changed just pissed off and sad - it seemed like the end of an era, and one of the stories I tell myself about myself is that I don't like change.

The change especially hit me hard because my name doesn't fit on the new boards - it has too many characters. And Pam's doesn't either, and I love how she could change her name on each post to fit the situation. All that day and into the next I felt that I'd really lost something. I wasn't half as special without my special name, you know? I'm supposed to be the witch, darn it!

I got so mad I came up with a new name - JennifersLost. It seemed fitting.

But for the next couple of days I kept asking myself, "Why do I hold onto things like that? Why would a simple board format change make me so mad? How could something so little take away my whole identity?" It can't, of course, unless I let it.

And then I had a HUGE epiphany! I do this to myself all the time. Before I moved, living in Santa Cruz, CA, and being a beach girl defined me. So when I had to move to Canada I felt stripped of who I was and I still haven't recovered.

And wearing sundresses and skirts 365 days a year used to define my vision of myself, and when I moved to a cold climate and lost that I felt stripped of who I was.

And being a single mom used to define me, so that after 7 years of marriage I still feel like I lost something of what I was.

I could go on and on and on. I get so caught up in my old definitions I never just live in the present and enjoy it.

It's hard not to be the witch anymore. And it's still hard not to be my will o' the wisp sunny California self anymore, either. But here I am, still kicking, and that's what's truly beautiful, right?

So....JennifersLost her name.
And....JennifersLost her home.
But...JennifersLost in her daydreams, too.
And...JennifersLost a bunch of weight and looks hot.
And....JennifersLost a bunch of her preconceived notions about what she's capable of.
And....JennifersLost her fear of asking for what she needs.

I could use a lot of love and attention right now. I feel new and strange. I'm learning huge things about myself and letting go of some grudges and pain I've held onto for a long, long time.

I like my new name. I think it fits, don't you?

And I'll still brew a beauty spell for anyone who needs it.

[Audrey]

Shine on, Jennifer! The name is yours to claim and make your own. :)

[King Alfred Academy]

I think you have *found* yourself :)
Thanks for sharing!

[Brigitte]

((Jennifer)) What a great post. Sometimes we need to lose ourselves in order to find out true selves again.

Brigitte

[momofkhm]

It harkens to the old and tries to see the future.

I especially like the one about lost weight and looks hot. I think I picture link is in order!

[Milseain]

((Jennifer))

JennifersLost sounds perfect. ;)

[Sixmeadows]

I can feel what you are going through somewhat. We have for the last 3 years moved to a midwest city, no ocean, no lakes no moutains, no bike trails and on and on. We moved from Ventura County and could see the ocean from the top of our street. not only losing the beauty of where we lived, we left family, and a lifestyle that just isn;t here. It makes all of us sad and my husband will sometimes come home from work and lie down on our bed and mourn our loss. But at the same time he has been very encouraging to us all about being content and having good attitudes.

Change is hard, harder for some more that ohers. You will find some of the same old friends here that were on the last borad. Remember it changed for everyone so we are all in the same boat.

glad you are here.

Cheri

[Faline]

Hi Jennifer,
I'm rather new here myself and don't recognize you from the old boards, but just wanted to let you know I like your name! I enjoyed reading the story behind it.
Hugs,
Faline

[Lisa at Home]

Change is hard for a lot of us, and I felt the "loss" too. I guess that's why there was such an uproar the time they tried to switch the boards over before.

It's hard to grow and reinvent yourself, isn't it? I should know; I just came out of a year and a half of being Lisa in Transition. I'm still trying to figure out who I am in the place I am in *now*.

Best wishes,

~Lisa

[Elisabeth in IL]

Awwwww (((Jennifer))) Just wanted to give you hugs. Hope you come into your own (skin) soon!

[percytruffle]

Awww, Jennifer. I've felt lost at times too. I like change and newness, but I don't always deal with it well.

I felt completely out of sorts for a long time after I resigned my teaching job. I wanted to stay home with dd when she was born, so I took maternity leave. I had up to two years to go back and reclaim my position and then dh lost his job and we moved. I had to resign, and worse still we moved to an area that had already seen decline and downsizing. There was a glut of unemployed teachers waiting to be hired back when the schools grew again. I tried interviewing several times to no avail even though I had received rave reviews where I had taught before. It seems everyone already "knew" someone and I had no hopes. I felt severed from who I was, and not voluntarily. I was an art teacher. I didn't know how to be me without that. Then, when both of our kids were in school, ds began having difficulties (reading, etc). He has slight dyslexia and the school (grade 3) was no help. They wanted to make all the decisions and have control. I said no. We began our hs journey. Homeschooling has given me a sense of purpose and who I am over the years. Now that ds, our youngest, is a junior, and we are no longer living in the same area, a teaching job for me is once again a possibility. New doors seem to be opening for the future.

So, what did I learn from all this? whenever I have felt lost to myself, I only needed to wait, something good was always around the corner. Oftentimes the something that awaited was unexpected and I was "blessed" by it in a way I couldn't had anticipated.

I will be thinking of you and hope you can "find" yourself here anew where you are enjoyed and appreciated. Growing pains are always hard, but I've found that if you let them happen, you are stronger in the end.;)

[sleepy]

Thanks for sharing the story behind your new name. It's good to "see" you again :-)
I have a new name to go with the new boards as well (no epiphany here, LOL) I used to be "erinjd"

[5wolfcubs]

I am glad to see that JennifersLost is you! ;)

[Remudamom]

But you sound more like a Jennifound than lost to me!

[JennifersLost]

pictures.....I did take a before one, and I should take one today since I'm a little more than midway to my goal. I might save "sharing" those pics until I get the final pounds off and can show you a BIG difference.

But, dh pulled out a picture from two years ago and there definitely is a difference. It's pretty cool!

PercyTruffle - you're right, it does seem that when you stop fighting "fate" then things seem to fall into place and go right. I've really been fighting hard against this move - even though it's over and done with and here I am, I have felt like if I "accepted" it, that would be telling the powers that be that it was okay and then I'd be stuck here forever. Off course, that's a little like cutting off your nose to spite your face, right?

Sixmeadows - sounds like you know exactly what I mean! I never got what was so special about California until I lived there and then I got good and hooked!

To everyone else - thanks again! Pics to follow!

[j.griff]

I really like it! Just think of all these changes as your "new normal", ;-)
(((((JennifersLost)))))

[JennifersLost]

Now you know what would liven up these boards? If Captain Jack Sparrow himself posted here.

I love seeing your avatar. We watched all the pirate movies in a row over Christmas break. Total fun.

[Daisy]

That is a really beautiful post. I think I really needed to hear that this morning.

[j.griff]

Thanks, and that would be fun, wouldn't it? Hmmmmm....
My 13yod made the avatar for me. She is on Muggle Net something (MNI) and the folks over there place orders for her to make avatars for them, LOL. She made herself one that is a picture of Jack with his eyes wide open, she brightened up his eyes and teeth (though they are still yellow, LOL) and at the focal point to the side of him she wrote "peanut!". She really likes that one.

[JennifersLost]

Daisy - I'm pretty sure you meant to refer to one of the original posts - not the one about Jack Sparrow, but where your answer landed on my screen had me laughing out loud for real.

I appreciate what you're saying, though. Thanks!

[Daisy]

LOL. Hey, that was funny! Okay, I wouldn't say no to Jack Sparrow right now either. :p

[JennifersLost]

Your daughter's really good at it! I'm impressed.

[j.griff]

I'll pass that along to her. I'll get the photobucket password from her later and post hers here too. :-D

[j.griff]

http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e106/griff176/peanut.gif
There is dd's avatar

[JennifersLost]

It is a perpetual wonder to me how Johnny Depp manages to come off as sexy with makeup and a decidedly poof-ish walk. How does the man do it?

[nancypants]

Or maybe JenniferGrows... because change is part of normal growth and a full life cycle. One cannot have a full life without a great deal of change. I think JenniferGrows would be more fitting because, generally speaking, as soon as we feel comfortable in our skin or where we are planted, we find ourselves uprooted again and to redefine ourselves each and every time seems sad and wrong... but to grow into our new skin or new surroundings (think of snakes or anything else that grows, dies back and experiences new growth if you want) is what life is all about.

Thank God for the constants but for everything else, there's growth!

:)

[DIY-DY]

I love a good epiphany - and I love what we can do with it, if only we will. Sounds like you are, and I, for one, am proud of you. Isn't there a saying about in losing one's self, one can find the universe? If there's not, there ought to be. ;)

Welcome to the new hive - a lovely place to get lost!

[Tutor]

and I am feeling very lost myself. I was "scrolling" through (let's face it, I was clicking through 'cause I can't just scroll and skim anymore; I'll miss that) looking for familiar names, and saw "JenniferLost" and thought "I wonder if that's Jennifer GWOTN" and was so glad to discover it was you and that I wasn't feeling alone in my lostness.

Thank you for embracing the lostness. I think it's going to take my rebellious/ change-hating nature a bit more time to get used to this. I really liked being able to skim through discussions to get a flavor of what was going on in each thread. Now I'm gonna have to commit and let many discussions go un-skimmed and that makes me sad.

[Katia]

Oh, I'm so glad you are finally here! I missed you and your posts; they are always so refreshing.

I like your new name and the story behind it. The poem was terrific and full of meaning. But, I'll really have to think hard when I see your new name....I'll be wishing it was WitchJennifer or something like that :)

[JennifersLost]

Glad to see you, too, Tutor! I was wondering where you'd gotten to.

How is everything? Are you getting projects done?

What else is new?

Don't worry, Katia - I'll still be witchy from time to time. And, who knows - I still have a registration under my cut-off Good Witch name. Maybe I'll pop in from time as my alter-ego!

'Cause...you know, we're not confused enough already.

[Patty Joanna]

Dear Jennifer,

I have a friend I have had for 20 years. She told me a story about 16 years ago that still hits me like she told it yesterday...and it has helped me a lot.

Her mother died of breast cancer, not short and quick but long and painful breast cancery dying, after a life raising 5 kids in a great environment but in a very difficult marriage. In her last months, she told my friend that most of life consists of having things stripped away from you...early on, you get get get. But as life goes by, you are stripped of--lose--many things, including illusions, dreams, plans, they way it's supposed to be--in so many areas--marriage, family, kids, jobs, friendships, health... She told my friend that the most important thing she could figure out was to hold loosely the things you can't hold anyway, and hold tightly the things that will never let you go.

You can put in the word she actually used instead of "things" if you know she was a devout Catholic.

You aren't alone in feeling this way. You just articulated it beautifully.

Kind regards,

[sdWTMer]

Growing and adapting to change is hard, isn't it?

It is really hard for me! Hang in there!

[Mom2GirlsTX]

You go girl! Your post is inspiring!