So, do you ever feel you would be a nicer mom if you didn't homeschool? [Archive] - The Well-Trained Mind Forums (aka Hive Mind)

Kris

01-23-2008, 08:28 PM

Honestly, I'm a nicer Mom now that we are homeschooling, but I only have one to deal with. I really don't know if I could handle more.

He's a nicer kid, now, too!

Some of it might be just that he's growing up, but when he was in public school, I realize now, we were both stressed out messes. I was constantly having to deal with "authority figures" which is not my strength. And he was dealing with a lot, too, and as time goes on I learn more and more about all the problems he was having with the kids, the teachers, the bus drivers.

I was breathing a sigh of relief when he left in the morning and I dreaded when he would come home in the afternoons -- the notes, the phone calls and the lies (like, no I don't have any homework -- then come to find out he wasn't doing *anything*).

Things are *so* much better now. Stuff just doesn't bother me -- or him -- like it used to.

But, like I said, if I had to do it with more than one, I don't think that would be the case.

Daisy

01-23-2008, 08:35 PM

Sure, especially today. But it is like anything else, I have tunnel vision. I tend to forget how stressed and hectic and barking I was when the kids were in ps. Today was a bad day for us. Tomorrow will be better. I hope. I blogged about our bad day and by the end of it, I was laughing. Sometimes, feeling the way you mentioned, makes us stop and re-evaluate what is important. Can you make some changes??

Sue G in PA

01-23-2008, 08:36 PM

Could be that I'm 7 mos. pregnant w/ #7 and very irritable and hormonal. Could be that I'm just feeling WAY overwhelmed. But, esp. with my first grader I'm wondering if he and I would stop getting along like oil and water if he were in school. I feel as if I'm constantly yelling at him to stop doing this or that or pay attention or whatever. But, we are committed to hsing our kids unless something very extreme happens to change that. So, I'm the one who must do the changing but for the life of me I just don't know how. Sorry I can't offer you tips or suggestions on what to do. Just know you aren't alone. THe days I feel most volatile, I either call my good friend to pray for me (it always makes me feel better) or just do more fun stuff. My biggest source of aggravation is the condition of my house. I'm not a very organized person. I just don't know where to start and with such a small and crowded house, it just gets overwhelming. Seems as if I clean one day and the next it looks just as bad or worse. I get very jealous and resentful of my dh who comes home and gets to do all the fun stuff w/ them while I finish dinner or cleaning or laundry or whatever. I do hope it gets easier. I'll be praying it does for you.

Amy in Orlando

01-23-2008, 08:38 PM

I think if I'd been homeschooling when my kids were as young as yours, I'd have felt how you did. We never even considered homeschooling until my oldest three were 6,6, & 7. Honestly, I enjoyed having them in school and having a bit of time.

Now that they're older (ages below), I think I would be a much meaner mom if they were in school. The running around, dealing with an elementary, middle and high school, the attitudes and living by the school's schedule would most likely make me insane.

Go ahead and slow down on the academics and do some of the fun stuff for a while. They really don't stay little forever and right now, your sanity is as, if not more, important than school.

Amy in NH

01-23-2008, 08:41 PM

I agree with Shel. I'd be a bear if I had to live on a school schedule and run around picking up kids at school, get their homework done, and try to spend some time with them.

I think I'd be a nicer mom if all I did was homeschool and keep up with the house. I am really quite mean when I feel pressed for time or stressed about overscheduling. That's why we limit the group activities and field trips.

We also school year round so that I don't feel pressured about getting school "done" by a certain date. It is just an ongoing thing and we can take breaks when we need them, ski one day per week in the winter and not stress about "missing school", etc.

Rebel

01-23-2008, 08:43 PM

My son was in school through 3rd grade and homeschooled ever since. He is 14 now. I am much nicer and more relaxed since we started homeschooling, BUT and this is a big BUT, I was working full-time outside the home when he was in PS. Ironically, I was teaching public school. Being more relaxed and nicer may be as much from working at home as from homeschooling.

8FillTheHeart

01-23-2008, 08:43 PM

I have definitely evolved in my views of homeschooling over the yrs. I was always adament that homeschooling was the best choice when my kids were little. I absolutely no longer believe that at all. Quite honestly, I believe that older children need the separation of mom and teacher roles.

Homeschooling is simply one option among many.

Pam "SFSOM" in TN

01-23-2008, 08:52 PM

I am very pleased that we chose year by year what to do instead of having the One Right Way Forever attitude. (And by that I don't mean simply homeschool, but public and private school as well.)

My kids have thrived on a mixture that was partly what was best for them as regarded seasons of life and continuity and what was best for mom as regarded sanity.

We've done home, German, private, public, boarding, and boarding with a touring compenent. Every year we stepped back and said, "Is this the very best we can choose at this time for all parties involved?" If the answer was no, we found the new normal and did that.

No regrets academically. This way definitely worked for our family. I'll continue to evaluate like this til I don't have students in my house anymore.

JennifersLost

01-23-2008, 09:03 PM

I just needed a break, and now we'll do things differently.

Part of why I put kids in school was the strain of having to do everything. After a year's break I am more myself. Now my kids are coming home again.

The difference is my kids are older and they will be directing their own learning now. The youngest two will stay in school.

I, too, think it's wise to re-evaluate things each year. There's no reason to think you always have to do the same thing.

I like that we did classical ed first - my kids are really ready for life already. Now they can follow their passions.

LNC

01-23-2008, 09:17 PM

I say it's a trade off.

My 10yos w/ special needs just started in a tmd class at the public school - he had been homeschooled always. He's not very verbal so that plays a role in what I'm going to share, but still! I am more patient with him in the afternoon and evenings. But, it is heartbreaking how little I know about him these days. He has a friend named "Derek" - I have no idea who this kids is or who is parents are yet. Wierd! I don't know what he's learning, what the names of his curriculums are etc. I only recieve brief and vague notes from his teacher.

I do know he loves it, and that he is kept busier than I could do while teaching my other children. It's sad in its own way though... I liked knowing everything about him better.

Jennifer in MI

01-23-2008, 09:19 PM

Yes, I do. If the kids were in school, I wouldn't have to be the bad guy for everything - school and social. KWIM? I do believe that homeschooling is the best for us right now and we'll continue, but, believe me, there are days when I really want to send them out the door and across the street (literally) to the ps.

Then, there are the days I talk with my ps mom friends. They get their kids home at 4 pm or so and immediatelly take them out to an activity (karate or baseball or soccer with my kids). Then, they get home and have dinner. Then, they have to start homework at 7 pm. I actually think that that would be harder in the long run.

Yes, I long sometimes for the full days to myself. But, when I think of what I'd have to give up - long term - really, it's not true. We travel off season, my dh wouldn't see the kids on his days off, we'd have to cut back on the kid's extra activities, etc.

(((((hugs))))) Really, I understand!!!

PinkInTheBlue

01-23-2008, 09:23 PM

I've wondered that at times also. Then I think of what it would be like if the boys got home from school, had 1 - 3 hours of homework, ate dinner, played a few mintues at best, got baths, brushed teeth and rushed to bed. I'd have so little time with them and so much of it would be "hurry, hurry", "do this - do that" and that wouldn't be much fun either. I think this is still be better side of the fence. :)

Lady Katherine

01-23-2008, 09:29 PM

YES. What she said!!

siloam

01-23-2008, 09:32 PM

I don't think so. From talking to my SIL it is just different. She used to spend all her time in the evenings doing homework, and getting them to do their chores. Then they wanted to play video games. There wasn't that much cuddle time.

She just started hsing to have more time with the boys as well as give them a better education.

Heather

gardenschooler

01-23-2008, 09:38 PM

Sometimes it feels like I don't get to do the fun cuddling and reading anymore. We read, but it is for history or science or to teach the child to read. The days feel so full with school and cleaning and cooking and life. I wonder, sometimes, if I would be excited to see my kids in the evening after school and if I would appreciate the time with them more. I don't think I'm being very clear, but not sure how to explain it better. I've had a rough few weeks of feeling like I can't take the time to do this or that with each child, but have to just keep us on track to get our work done. It isn't a fun feeling. I also wonder if it is having a baby again and it will get better?

Now, I'm not wanting to alarm anyone here. :) I am enjoying my kids. I don't want to do anything different. But, as I said, sometimes I wonder if I would be able to just enjoy my kids more b/c I wouldn't be teaching them EVERYTHING. KWIM?

Yes, but boy, was I wrong!

I thought my dd15 & I would get along better. It's even worse now, because in addition to problems we had before, we often run into problems now in her not fully communicating with me what's going on. Before, I knew. And that aggravates me! Having to play 20 questions doesn't make me a nice mom.

And I barely see her, except on the weekends and for dinner. After school, there's homework, then we do some chores and dinner (I see her then), but then after that, she's either doing more homework or on the phone. She has been around more on the weekends, but I still feel like I never see her. She does spend time with her sisters (kind of hard not to when you share a room, lol).

I didn't realize how much letting my oldest go to ps for 10th would alter the family dynamic, and completely change her and our lives. I wouldn't have done it if I had. I thought it would mean she'd be gone until 3 pm, but she's emotionally 'checked out' from here 24/7.

But she's happy, especially with the low(er) standards the school has, and all kinds of things like 'spirit week' and whatnot, that mean nothing. My younger one asked me why the school has all of these dress-up days, and I told her it was to distract the kids from the fact that they're not getting an education!

She's been very responsible with it all, but in comparison to the responsibilities and academic load she had at home before (especially in 8th & 9th grades), it's not much.

Enough about me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

KIN, if I were you, I would just make a large part of your school the part you are missing. I really don't think you would have more time if they went to school. There's the decompression time needed after school, then dinner and homework, bath and clothes ready for the next day, early bedtime....of course, plenty of parents with kids in school spend time reading and cuddling, but I'm just saying I don't think sending them to school will give you more time for that, and it would definitely add to your stress.

I'd pare down on the cleaning and cooking and life, even on some other academic things, and devote the first part of the day to what it is you feel is missing. Everything will fall into place.

And I remember when I had my last one, and the olders were in K & 2nd grade. I really didn't get a lot done in a day, but we have fond memories of piling in bed and reading together.

Hang in there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I'm going to edit this to add that I obviously have some 'issues' letting go (ya think?). Saying negative things about the ps that I chose to enroll my dd in is just feeding it, and the truth is, it's not that bad. There is a lot of good, too, and I should also add that some of our main reasons were a) she REALLY wanted to go, and b) we often butt heads. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``

Janet in WA

01-23-2008, 09:40 PM

I was a much nicer mom after we pulled our sons out of ps and began homeschooling. We were all calmer and happier.

6packofun

01-23-2008, 09:43 PM

Really, we've never done anything but homeschool and playing the "what if...?" or grass-is-greener game has bitten me in the hiney too many times to want to go there. lol I just try not to let myself believe the lie that my circumstances or any outer influences ultimately control what kind of mom and person I am. It's a tough pill to swallow sometimes, but if I want to be nicer and sending my kids to school is what accomplishes that, I'm afraid of what that would really say about me. :(

And that has nothing to do with what school choice is right for each family, each child. I don't believe that homeschooling is the right answer for everyone.

Mx5

01-23-2008, 09:44 PM

Your baby is only 7 months old. I don't know about you but I never even felt mostly human until the current baby was around 18 months old.

You have, by today's standards, a large family. You will be busy with life, cooking, laundry, etc. whether the kids are home with you or not. But if you decide to not homeschool, understand that there's a trade off. You would have to weigh the benefits against the detriments.

For me, putting my kids in school just wasn't an option, because I didn't want to be debriefing them all the time. I figured I could homeschool in the amount of time it would take them to do their "real" school homework, so why send 'em out there?

I know what you mean, though, about missing the more fun things. But regardless of where the kids are educated, you're still the mom and will have to be the one keeping them on task. It's definitely a tough role, but in retrospect it flies by.

gardenschooler

01-23-2008, 09:44 PM

JenniferGWOTW? Why are you lost?

angela in ohio

01-23-2008, 09:47 PM

For me, I don't think I'd be any nicer. I'd be running them around to after school activities and cracking the whip to make sure all their homework got done.

I think I'm able to relax with the kids more often homeschooling them than I would if they were in school.

I agree. Running around on someone else's schedule is what makes me Really Crabby, so homeschooling is better.

Also, with two children 3 and under, and considering it is the middle of January... give yourself a break!! :D

Melissa in FL

01-23-2008, 09:50 PM

Yes, sometimes I feel that way. Then sometimes I feel like I do today, everything went perfect. Chores were all done in a timely manner, no complaints at doing school work, figured out this semesters co-op schedule, all the kids had time to play together and they really didn't argue with each other today. No matter what lifestyle you choose there are times that the grass is greener.

When I feel the most like sending them all to school, I think about a family I know. They don't know each other. Their day starts at 6:30 getting everyone ready for school, packing lunches, getting backpacks ready, and pulling their kids out the door. They are all separate all day. After school dad picks up the kids, brings them home, gives them a snack and then goes into his office to finish working while the kids sort of fend for themselves. If they get too loud they are sent outside. Mom comes home (the kids are always outside by then) cooks dinner, feeds them, goes over homework, gets them showered and puts them in bed. That's it! That's their day. Weekends are too busy catching up on laundry, going grocery shopping, taking the kids to schoolmates birthday parties, and cleaning the house for them to ever spend quality time together.

I know these kids because I spend a great deal of time with them. When I first met them and tried to ask them a question, they acted like a deer hit by headlights. They would literally freeze. Now they can talk to me, but it took a long time before they would. I don't want my family to ever be close to that.

What I would love is a week with them gone, heck a day! We moved down here to be closer to family, what a joke. My IL's have never offered to take my kids for the day. They were forced to take them when dh was in the hospital, and even though they never said it, it was made clear they didn't like it.

For the most part, days like today out weigh the bad days. When we are having a bad week (which happens), I tend to either call a snow day (nice thing about FL, we make up our own snow days and we can still go out), or take the kids somewhere like the zoo. Often when that feeling goes on for too long I reevaluate what we're doing and change what the problem is.

Anyway, I hope this helps
Melissa

Mom2Two

01-23-2008, 09:54 PM

Now that we are all in public school (me included as a teacher now), I think I was nicer before because I didn't have all the stress of working full-time and we had much more time together to bond as mother and children. Now we all have our separate issues going on. I think if I was home and not working, it would be different whether they were in school or homeschooling. I am just so tired at night and on the weekends now. I look forward to our breaks and summer vacation!:cool:

tess in the burbs

01-23-2008, 09:56 PM

I have those days. Where both kids were struggling in every subject and by lunch I am exhausted and just want them to go play. It's like I don't know how to play anymore and only know how to educate/drill facts.

No answers, but yes, I have those days!

chiguirre

01-23-2008, 09:56 PM

I'm definitely a better mom hsing the 2 I do. If I had to send ds2 to ps, I would probably be very stressed by having to be on the ISD's case to get an appropriate education for him. It's sooo much less stressful to just put a solid program together myself.

OTOH, if I had ds1 home all day every day, we'd be at each other's throats. We both need our space in our to enjoy each other's company.

Kathie in VA

01-23-2008, 10:04 PM

I too wonder at this one. Before homeschooling I was working ... I did cut hours down to part time but it seemed the work load didn't change. I remember blocking the feeling of getting mad at my kids (my 7, 6, and 3 year old kiddos) just because they got sick and I needed to stay home... when I had work hours to get in! UG! That soooo needed to change.

But now we are home, oldest is 13yo, and I'm always a bit upset because we never seem to get a decent day of school in. Either they are spacey, or the toddler is needy, or I'm not prepared to get things done, or dh has other things he wants me to focus on, or home improvements are going on, etc.

So I guess it doesn't matter, I seem to get stressed either way.

Pam "SFSOM" in TN

01-23-2008, 10:06 PM

JenniferGWOTW? Why are you lost?

Different Jennifer. :)

KIN

01-23-2008, 10:27 PM

I'm feeling better reading everyone's replies! I'm going to start tomorrow with a more relaxed feeling! We are having a good school year, but I'm sure as the baby gets older it will get better. As for ps or private school, I know myself, and I would be very busy running my kids here and there for the "best" activities that "everyone" is in. Keep the replies coming, I'm really enjoying reading them!

Mamagistra

01-23-2008, 10:28 PM

No, I'm pretty sure that's our GWOTW, judging by her blog...

KIN

01-23-2008, 10:31 PM

No, I'm pretty sure that's our GWOTW, judging by her blog...

I almost asked, too, if it was GWOTW from her reply!

Pam "SFSOM" in TN

01-23-2008, 10:38 PM

No, I'm pretty sure that's our GWOTW, judging by her blog...

By golly, you're right! Jennifer changed her name and I missed it?

You know, Jennifer, all who wander are not lost. ;)

jail warden

01-23-2008, 10:50 PM

KIN and I talked today and I have had some of the same feelings in the last 2 years. Y'all have made me feel much better!!! Thanks!:)

melissel

01-23-2008, 11:23 PM

Gah! Ack25 and I just spent an hour on the phone discussing this post and the issue itself. I have been mean, mean, MEAN mommy for the last week or so, and I can't figure out how to break out of it. I told her that what always restabilizes my commitment to HSing is hearing her tell me stories about public school problems! I'm actually about to post a related thread.

Jenny in Atl

01-23-2008, 11:34 PM

I'm also in the camp that thinks not. If I was not homeschooling my girls, I would be working, at least part-time. A whole other set of stress and pressure along with after school activities would wipe out any stress I now feel.

StaceyinLA

01-23-2008, 11:57 PM

Well, sometimes I feel like I'd be nicer if I had no kids at all. ;-p No, really, I just don't see it that way. I see the school schedules, deadlines, homework, etc. as detriments. I believe when you have your kids home all day, you can set the pace, and YOU can decide if you want to take an hour to just sit, cuddle and read to your littles, or if you want to be strict about schoolwork.

There are lots of days where my kids (now teens) and I just pick up and head out. We go downtown, walk the levee, go to the museums, sit at the sushi bar looking over the Mississippi River, and just enjoy a gorgeous day together. We could NEVER do that if they were in school - not spontaneously anyway.

Besides, I have seen a lot of families whose kids don't stay nearly as close once they are in school. Right now, my kids are there for one another, loyal to one another, and they love spending time together (most of the time). When others come into play, that dynamic changes. I just didn't/don't want that for my kids. I already feel weird enough with the oldest in college and unable to be with us on our, "fun" days, but she was part of it for 12 years before she stepped out into the real world...

Just hold on to your little ones, do the things that make YOU happy, and don't let the rest of life get in the way!

nancypants

01-24-2008, 12:55 AM

I know exactly what you mean. I really do feel like that sometimes. I have to take a step back when I feel that way and go back to all the reasons I do this. Still, I don't know if there is a way to escape feeling like a huge nag when you have a child (or more than one) that balks at every single lesson you ever set before him. It gets emotionally and mentally exhausting.

On the other hand, there are days when I feel that this is the best life ever!

Elaine

01-24-2008, 01:25 AM

Some days "yes" and some days "no".

It boils down to my attitude. When my attitude stinks and I act like MartyrMom, than yeah, I'm not very pleasant to be around. I am working on this, but golly, it's a challenge.

When I grow up I want to be Dy.;)

shanmar

01-24-2008, 03:48 AM

Well, quite honestly, I think I am a meaner mom homeschooling, but I am also a better one. My kids were in public school for 6 years before we started homeschooling. I said "Hurry, we are late!" about 30 times everyday. I brushed off discipline problems as something that would disappear when they went to school for the day. I wasn't as relaxed with them. We know each other very well now! When I am mean, they don't take it as personally as they did before, because they are more assured of my love, because I have had more time to express it.

Tammy in Germany

01-24-2008, 03:57 AM

I'm a much nicer homeschooling mom. I'm able to stay more organized by not leaving the house than by dropping them off at school. I tried to start a new schedule for the New Year with times for everything...oh please, it just doesn't work (at least for me). So I came up with a schedule that works for everyone. We sleep in, school starts at 10am, we break for lunch at 12-1pm and then we work until 5 or 6. I've gone back to the kitchen table and out of the classroom. So I'm able to prepare dinner and finish up school. I'm doing what works for me and still having fun. I wouldn't trade my time with the kids for anything!

AmyinPA

01-24-2008, 08:30 AM

Would I be a nicer mom? Yea, somedays maybe. Would I be a better mom? No, not at all. God has definitely called me to the daily task of educating my dc. For how long? I have no idea. But I love the dependence it forces me to have on Him to provide the patience, love, encouragement, etc. that I need to deal with my kids.

I wish I did it gracefully each day. But each day has its moments where I'm pressed on each side. Still, on the days when I handle it in a Christ-like manner is a little victory for me.

I love that I'm the one who gets to instill knowlege and wisdom into my children and that I get to cheer them on in each little accomplishment.

I do wish for a few more "Hi mom, I'm home" moments. THere aren't many of those when your kids are with you all the time.

But I do get to snuggle up with them daily and read (yes, it's usually science or history) but I choose some pretty interesting books, so I don't feel that they're deprived. We still bake together, laugh while folding laundry, debate our favorite books, and sometimes fight over the "dumbest things". But it's all part of the experience to which we've been called.

Marie in Oh

01-24-2008, 08:43 AM

I see my friends whose youngest children are now in school and they have time to work out and shop and clean house and have cookies ready when their kids come home. It seems nice, ideal, etc.

I was just having this conversation with a friend. She wondered if she was really accomplishing what she was hoping to while homeschooling when she just felt like she was frustrated so much. She actually thought she was ruining her kids.

I remember feeling that way when all the kids were preschoolers. I agree with many of the moms here that say it gets easier and I really think you as a mom grow in grace and learn to manage. They also see you fail and repent and try again. I think that strenthens relationships. If all they see is the perfect mom who has it all together when thy get home from school, they really don't see life.

It isn't an easy choice and you might be nicer but you would miss oh so much.

Robyn

01-24-2008, 08:45 AM

When ds was in preschool and I was working part-time, I found there was an adjustment period for both of us each day. For me, I had to switch back into 'mom-mode' when I would pick him up. He would just be cranky and miserable for awhile after school. Granted, he was four and a lot has changed since then, but I notice this with my SIL too. I watch her two children a couple of days a week. They are wonderful all day. As soon as she walks in the door, the kids start whining and crying. She is often snappy with them for a bit. It's almost as if they are all having to readjust to each other. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. I just know that for me, being a homeschooling mom makes me more in tune with the kids all the time. I don't have to switch rolls, and that seems to make the whole household run much smoother.
For others, that switching gears might be what they need. Maybe I'm just boring.;)

Mandamom

01-24-2008, 09:27 AM

When I first started homeschooling (7 years ago or so) my dss was in the local public school and struggling socially and academically. He was reacting terribly to it and homework battles were absolutely terrible. It would take hours upon hours even though in reality it should have taken about 15 minutes at most. I was terribly stressed and was frequently disappointed when I'd find myself taking it out on the kids. I could feel my stress level rise about 2 hours before the bus would drop the kids off and by the time they would come in the house I was ready to explode (not that I ever did). As a result I looked into homeschooling.

After I convinced the parents (biomom and my dh) that homeschooling was worth the effort and dss was now home from school we became very close and we were all much happier.

Time progressed, life happened and homeschooling started to become very stressful to me and dss. Dss and I started becoming distanced and I could feel resentment toward me. As a result we looked into public school and again after he started, we all became much happier and closer because the resentment is gone.

In my circumstances the stresses that I was feeling whether kids were at home or in school was a sign that something wasn't working. Being able to switch from one to another allowed us to reduce the stress and change the relationship to something that is working better.

Currently, my dss is in a private school and doing wonderfully well. He's not living with us currently (life happened again) but our relationship is still very good.

Rhonda in TX

01-24-2008, 09:31 AM

No. I'm a much nicer and fun mom now than when my kids were in school. It was very stressful getting everything squeezed into evenings and weekends. And the homework battles! Ugh. Nope. Don't miss those days at all.

Rebecca in GA

01-24-2008, 01:24 PM

I have days when I feel like the worst mom in the world, but I have days that are so perfect I feel like I'm in a dream. The thing that keeps me hanging on is the knowledge that I know my children well because of all the time I spend with them, and I like them as people as well as loving them because they are my sons and daughter. I hope they feel the same way about me, despite my monster mom days! :o

Karen in CO

01-24-2008, 01:35 PM

I have had my ds in ps and my dd at daycare and worked full-time. I was not any nicer or meaner, just busier. I now work 3 days a week and am at home 4 days a week. My dh and I tag team the kids. I enjoy being able to relax with my kids. I don't just have them for a rushed half hour in the morning and then try to catch up in the afternoons. No more dinners in the car on the way home from work and to sports. No more trying to convince my child that yes, he has to do all 50 of the math problems for homework even if he really knew how to do it already or that yes the assignment is dumb but he must do it anyway. No more trying to make up a week's work because he caught something at school and it went on without him. I always try to remember that home is the important part of homeschool and that it must work for everyone involved or it isn't the right answer.

Cadam

01-24-2008, 01:43 PM

Nope, I am a more engaged mom because I homeschool. I am not one of those fun moms. I have to force myself to basically not be selfish. I love my kids and I love being a mom but it is a lot easier to hang out on these boards, read a book, or pretty much anything else. Games and playing on the floor are not my thing, however, when I am in teacher mode I see the value in these things and I can take joy in them.

Diana in OR

01-24-2008, 01:47 PM

Katherine~

I feel the same as you. When I put my oldest in high school last fall, I definitely felt a bit of remorse, and admittedly a little bit of feeling sorry for myself for having failed. However, it was completely in his best interests and my feelings of failure were completely selfish. I am a much more relaxed mom than I had been. Having said that, I could not have put him in school earlier than that and felt the same way.

Also, just to encourage KIN, I think the elementary years can drive a mom crazy when her dc are in school. When you have little ones with nap schedules (the school day is not as long as you think ;) and pressure to volunteer in your dc class, and homework/busy work in the evenings, I see hsing as a better option.

PariSarah

01-24-2008, 01:56 PM

Maybe. Maybe not.

The more I'm around my kids, the more I like being around them. I fear that if I had all this time "free" from being with them, I wouldn't be as good at being with them anymore. KWIM?

Then again, the sheer amount of stuff that needs to get done is a stressor in our lives, and, therefore, at least potentially a source of stress between me and the kids. Yes, I do have to fuss at ds from time to time, about stuff I wouldn't have to be fussy about if I had "free" time to get some of that stuff done. Yes, I plop the baby in the exersaucer instead of doing the approved "Slow and Steady" activity for the week more often than I'd like to admit.

But, like Pam SFSOM said, you have to take it year by year, and you have to look at the whole shebang. Some year, it may be the case that the package deal (schooling, parenting, learning, loving, praying, praising, growing) will be the best deal if traditional school is part of the package. This year, with these kids, with these options, homeschooling is the best deal. I might be a "nicer" mom if I weren't homeschooling (maybe, maybe not), but too many other things would be out of kilter.

CalicoKat

01-24-2008, 02:16 PM

quiet honestly I think homeschooling my kids has made them nicer kids to be around. I enjoy them (most of the time). I enjoy their friendships. I enjoy seeing them growing academically and character-wise. I enjoy seeing them interacting and playing nicely with each other. We do have our bad days, but mostly they're good.

If I did just focus solely on the academics of homeschooling I think that I would be frustrated. I would be looking at the to-do lists and fretting over what did and didn't get done. And I'd be fretting over home many days we'd schooled, were we going to finish by June 1st, etc.

I make sure my attitude towards learning is progresss--however slowly or quickly each child is progressing. If academic progress is being made then we're good. Mostly what's going to get my kids ahead in life are their people skills and character. So it's those little unquantifiable, unexpected, and interruptions that I also have to remember are progress.

It sounds to me like ya'll need to take some time off. When I'm tired nothing looks good and nothing is all I want to do. Rest and then try it again. :)

Anne/Ankara

01-24-2008, 03:54 PM

Well, I have always decided that we need an hour break in the middle of the day for "free play," so that we don't burn out with school, chores and all. That keeps the kids and me refreshed and less stressed out. Perhaps you could try that schedule?

Joanne

01-24-2008, 04:19 PM

My first thought was "yes". I'm an introvert, I'm not a people person, definitely not a kid person. I like my own company and the pursuit of interests not related to legos, hide and seek, skateboarding or arts and crafts.

But, I began to really think about the question.

I can say that my home would be neater. That, I guess, would elevate my effectiveness as a housekeeper. Simply having less meals, less groceries, dishes, people coming in and out, less people around "doing their thing" all day would = neater, more organized home. Less "work" - at least of that kind.

It would give me more time, at least some, to pursue my interests during the hours between drop off and pick up lines. I'd attend more AA meetings for me, do more "service work" for me and others, go to the gym more.

But since homeschooling is tied in with income for us (I homeschool 2 additional students), I'd have to give up that income and replace it somehow. Either during school hours or during family hours. That may/may need mean additional expense and running for before/after school care for 2 of my 3 kids. (They can be left alone, but not everyday for hours as a sibling set).

Now that they're older (ages below), I think I would be a much meaner mom if they were in school. The running around, dealing with an elementary, middle and high school, the attitudes and living by the school's schedule would most likely make me insane.

Definitely. Not only are my kids past the early elementary/preschool years, I am intimately and each weekday involved with students in the public school setting. The 2 I homeschool in addition to mine are here due to damage suffered at PS settings. I'm in 2 after school lines a day, assist with homework, projects and other related to school setting activities. I worked in a school while homeschooling. I'm not reacting to an unknown quantity when I say what I am about to say.......

The system, and doing what's necessary for my kids to thrive in the system would ultimately exhaust me MORE and DEEPER than the stresses of homeschooling.

But, more than that, I'm not a "whatever works for your family" homeschooler. While I don't believe that everyone should homeschool, I do think that "not homeschooling" lurks and looms as the solution to problems. I think this is seductive, deceptive and dangerous. Therefore, I make a very deliberate effort to avoid "school" as the solution to problems presented in my family. We've been through some very serious issues (as most of you know) and I tried very hard to not allow "school" to be a solution.

Go ahead and slow down on the academics and do some of the fun stuff for a while. They really don't stay little forever and right now, your sanity is as, if not more, important than school.

I wrote this elsewhere:
If I were able to do the early years of homeschooling over, here's what I'd do:

1) Worry less;play more
2) If my young children weren't able to focus for "long", resisted formal, imposed learning, I'd drop it in favor of a game of tag
3) I *would* spend time and energy finding ways to read aloud to them while they played (used their hands) but were quiet and listening to real literature
4) I'd worry less about developing a school routine and more about developing a family, hygiene, chore, play, outdoor, reading, very short lesson and cooking routine
5) I'd cuddle, read, cuddle, push kids on the swing

Here's my truth: I worried the most, did the most formal learning with my oldest. He's at grade level or more in 7th grade, age nearly 13.

I did the least with my youngest, nearly 9 in 3rd grade. He's at grade level or more.

Enjoy your boys.

They don't know each other. Their day starts at 6:30 getting everyone ready for school, packing lunches, getting backpacks ready, and pulling their kids out the door. They are all separate all day. After school dad picks up the kids, brings them home, gives them a snack and then goes into his office to finish working while the kids sort of fend for themselves. If they get too loud they are sent outside. Mom comes home (the kids are always outside by then) cooks dinner, feeds them, goes over homework, gets them showered and puts them in bed. That's it! That's their day. Weekends are too busy catching up on laundry, going grocery shopping, taking the kids to schoolmates birthday parties, and cleaning the house for them to ever spend quality time together.

This absolutely describes the families from my daycare. Most of those families were intelligent, caring, nurturing and wanted the best. They tried. But the pace of life and demands of living placed on them created a family pattern that was survival instead of inspired. They were tired, under-nurished in the ways that matter and something was MISSING.

Paz

01-24-2008, 04:20 PM

I used to think that I would be more fun and less tired but then I realized that I am usually just really tired so probably no matter what I did, I'd be the same. LOL! It does get easier as the kids get older but then it's just a different kind of tired.

ncmomo3

01-24-2008, 10:16 PM

I can actually make a comparison.
My 3 were in school for the first 3 yrs., and I was so very stressed. Did they get the stuff they needed(lunch,hw,notes signed, cupcakes needed--ad nauseum..). I was always yelling --get to the car, get out of the car,get your books.... My house was ALWAYS perfectly clean and when they came in and made messes, I was crazed!
I have been hs'ing 4 yrs. my house is tidy(mostly) and I have learned to be okay with it. My stresses are different now than they were; I still have many.
I would say that I have learned to be a more easygoing person because they are home. We are all different, but it has made me a better mom.
I can understand your feelings though--my 3 are only a year apart each. It is very stressful with very young children and you have to make decisions that work for you and your children.

Colleen

01-25-2008, 02:04 AM

Some days "yes" and some days "no". It boils down to my attitude. When my attitude stinks and I act like MartyrMom, than yeah, I'm not very pleasant to be around. I am working on this, but golly, it's a challenge.

Yep, that sums it up for me as well.

Karenciavo

01-25-2008, 02:07 AM

Audrey

01-25-2008, 03:18 AM

Nah, I think I'm a better mom for the homeschooling. If I weren't homeschooling it would be easier to turn into one of those moms who is so disconnected from her kid that they hardly speak anymore. I see that happening to more and more of the moms around me as their kids get older.

Lorna

01-25-2008, 05:08 AM

We had our children in school for a few years and I was angry with the school for making me the pushy parent and take away my mothering time. Each evening we had a couple of hours worth of home work. Of course they always said it should only take half an hour but who was going to admit it took a lot a lot longer and who was going to let their child bring in incomplete homework. Ironically I noticed our children would regress in their school work during term time and gain strides during the summer holidays when I felt we needed to catch up and worked a couple of hours a day with them.
After we decided to take them out of school I finally relaxed and concentrated on being Mother. I got a special tea ready for them as soon as they got home and I made sure the fire was lit etc.
I love being Mother now but it is a very hard job. We work a very full day and I am hands on with academics from nine until four (sometimes more like six on swimming days). I then cook dinner, clear up and read them a story for bed time (this I think of as a important mothering time of day and although I have often had enough by this time:rolleyes:). I like to take a few hours in the evening to look at these boards, do research and then I finally curl up with a book at about ten o'clock.
I am lucky in that my children don't seem to see me as a teacher and laugh, joke and hug the whole day. I think things have become more natural since we were at home. I am really sure I would have lost my children in spirit by now if they were still in school. It was hard to get away from the pressure the school was putting on us to become their staff!

dmmosher

11-02-2009, 11:30 PM

My favorite Amy Carmichael quote:

"For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of bitter water, however suddenly jolted."

smrtmama

11-02-2009, 11:44 PM

I actually think homeschooling has made a significant improvement in my relationship with my oldest. We squabble less, I nitpick at him less, and we just plain ENJOY each other more.

Elizabeth Conley

11-02-2009, 11:58 PM

We had our children in school for a few years and I was angry with the school for making me the pushy parent and take away my mothering time. Each evening we had a couple of hours worth of home work. Of course they always said it should only take half an hour but who was going to admit it took a lot a lot longer and who was going to let their child bring in incomplete homework. Ironically I noticed our children would regress in their school work during term time and gain strides during the summer holidays when I felt we needed to catch up and worked a couple of hours a day with them.
After we decided to take them out of school I finally relaxed and concentrated on being Mother....

... I think things have become more natural since we were at home. I am really sure I would have lost my children in spirit by now if they were still in school. It was hard to get away from the pressure the school was putting on us to become their staff!

Most of what she said plus:

I've become more assertive and active as a parent, because I no longer feel guilty for the misery of their school days. Their school days are no longer miserable, and their time is always spent productively. Now I don't alternate between pushing them through homework and spoiling them to make up for their crummy lives.

Now I parent in a much more confident, rational manner. This doesn't mean I'm sweetness and light all the time. I'm a real tartar when the situation calls for it. It just means that I am more even handed, and I am more in control of the circumstances of their lives. I don't set us up for a lot of situations where I have to be harsh to get the job done. Mostly we're relaxed and happy now.

My daughter was just diagnosed with the flu, in spite of having gotten both flu vaccines. It's no big deal. She's got her Ibuprofen and her Tami flu. I'm letting her sleep and wake up naturally. She'll have a slack school day or two. There will be no panicky, miserable catch-up weekend in our future. There will be no letters from the school alternately cajoling us to keep the child home if sick, but not to have her absent for any days. (Figure that one out if you can!) No unnecessary drama, just a well managed recovery. I love our homeschool way of life!XX

Dawn in OH

11-03-2009, 12:19 AM

I don't think so.

I think I would be pretty cranky about having to get up early, poke and prod two kids with a stick to get up, get dressed, eat and get ready for school and then bundle everyone up and have to go stand in the dark, cold, rain and snow to wait for their bus everyday. (I couldn't drive them to school because we have 1 car, by choice, and Dad wouldn't be home from work on time).

I might have less work to do and more time to spend with my 2 year old, but I would also be losing my little helpers.

By the time evening rolls around now I'm fairly tired. I'm thinking the two parts of my day where I am most exhausted would become more hectic and exhausting if the kids went to school, which again would make me crankier.

5LittleMonkeys

11-03-2009, 03:56 AM

Absolutely...NOT.

My children and I have grown in this past year and a half. We are kinder, more respectful, more loving, we have WAY more fun. We are just a totally different family. I hated my dc being away from me when they were in ps and it was so stressful. When they would get home in the afternoons all I would want to do is talk and play and cuddle and spend time with them then they would dump out their backpacks (even the one in K) and we would have to start in on all the homework. I hated it, they hated it. Even thinking about it now makes me angry. Then of coarse I felt like I had to deprogram them every evening. They were so wound up and uptight from being cooped up all day and having to deal with other people's badly behaved children and cranky over payed teachers.

My children have actually told me that I am nicer now that we homeschool. I hear "your the greatest mom ever" atleast twice a day. :D

My advice:

You don't have to do every lesson especially at the age of your dc. Skip some or consolidate once in a while and have some fun.

Do half days one day a week or better yet do a 4 day week.

I don't know what your yearly schedule looks like but you could break your year up to have more breaks. Do 6 or 8 weeks then break for a week.

DesertDweller

11-03-2009, 07:18 AM

No, I don't think so. I had a couple years, one year when ds was in elementary school and one year that he went to high school, that we did the whole school thing. I hated having to stick to a rigid school schedule of being up and out early every day. Then, with high school, there were very set deadlines for assignments, which meant nights of cramming or trying to get papers/projects finished, no way for me to help him with math because the book wasn't written for self-instruction, and other things that made it not so fun.

We work hard with homeschooling, but I like that we can have flexibility in our schedule. I enjoy being with my kids and having time for conversations when we can discuss and share things. I always appreciated being able to go on field trips and park days when they were younger. There have been many things that I was able to be a part of over the years that I wouldn't have if they had been in school all day.

transientChris

11-03-2009, 08:05 AM

No. I only had one is school and that was 15 years ago. Even though he was only a first grader, I remember thinking how much work it was. Now I think I would have to be a slave driver in the morning and another one after school. ONce a week at least, I would have to drive one to school separately since she would be late because of medication. My kids would also be less pleasant because of time stress. As it is now, we take our time with school. Some biology is always being done on weekends. They sleep later and do school later and we all like that. I don't have almost any battles of the will with my older and while I do with my youngest, I think I would have them worse in school. She is almost 13, very hormonal, and perfectionistic. I wouldn't want to see that played out right now in school. SHe is also the only one who may do high school somewhere other than home. But that is then, not now.

thescrappyhomeschooler

11-03-2009, 08:06 AM

I haven't read all the responses, but I don't think you'd be happier if you didn't homeschool. Your house might be cleaner, but IMHO, that is not all it's cracked up to be. I think I would be happier if I could homeschool fulltime. I'm in anguish all the time over what is happening with their school and that I don't really have enough time to make up for what they are lacking. Also, after being home with them all summer, I truly miss them for the 7 hours they are gone from me. I'm sure I would get frustrated with the mess and the constant togetherness of homeschooling, but I do also think I'd be more at peace in my mind.

momtoboys

11-03-2009, 09:04 AM

"Nicer" mom? No, not necessarily. I mean, i don't think "niceness" has much to do with the form of education you choose.

You can be a nice/good mom and send your children to public school, and be involved in their education, and be waiting for them with cookies & milk to talk about their day when they get home. You can be involved in their school life, be a room mom, be a chaperone for field trips, etc.

You can be a nice/good mom and send your children to private school, and be involved in their life at school as well. And usually in a private school, there may be even more opportunities available to help out in the classroom. Private schools often have requirements for parents to help out, actually.

You can be a nice/good mom and homeschool. And obviously, you are spending a good deal of time with them. . .and making a huge commitment in their lives.

I don't think you can judge how nice of a mom you are by the way you educate your child.

However, if, for example, your child was being bullied and struggling at school, it would not be *nice* to leave them in that situation without offering help. On the other hand, if you are constantly struggling and having a rough time homeschooling, it may be the *nice* thing to do to consider school.

Niceness is more a heart attitude of "I will do what's best before God (if you're a Christian) for my children. I will not yell or scream or get angry, and if I do, I will apologize. I will develop a loving relationship with my spouse that can serve as an example for them. I will train my children to be loving, respectful, kind citizens, who are educated and can make a contribution to society." That's niceness, IMHO.

Kari C in SC

11-03-2009, 09:24 AM

Yep! I went to visit my friend out of state twice this year. Her ds is in school. I watched her drop him off at school for 6 hours each day. She was very new to being a SAHM, so at first it was a novelty for her to even be home during the day. Anyway, she had PLENTY OF TIME to run her errands, get her house cleaned, enjoy a talk show or read some of her book with out being bothered, etc. When she picked her ds up, she was calm, relaxed and ready to go to basketball. Snack prepared, juice ready, etc. Then she happily watched him play basketball. Came back and played basketball outside with him for an hour. She did homework and had dinner talking to him the WHOLE time. It was almost a hallmark card moment. For a brief moment, I thought wow, I should put my kids in school. They get a much calmer, less frazzled mom. Then I remembered that my oldest was IN SCHOOL until 5th grade. He didn't do well with school. He learned different. When I picked him up at school, there was always a note about how he talked to much or couldn't sit still. Or a note about how he couldn't concentrate on reading. Homework was a nightmare because I had no idea what the teacher was teaching and my dh was always telling me that wasn't what the teacher wanted. Now, obviously, my ds is grown and I am not even homeschooling him anymore, but my dd has some learning quirks as well. Honestly, I think my youngest would fair pretty well in school because he is just that "type" of kid. He may be my one child to get bored because he is one smart cookie. I still worry that they get the frazzled and tired momma most of the time though. I just can't imagine them being gone all day and my oldest tells me all the time that homeschooling them is the right thing. If he thinks that, then I must have done something right.

creekmom

11-03-2009, 09:28 AM

I had to chuckle when I read your title on the forum page! Yes!!! I wonder that all the time!! I have the sweetest little 4 year old on the planet, and she wants me to read her picture books all day long. How I would love to sit and read picture books all day!! Instead, I'm always stressed out about "school" with the older kids. My friend and I call moms who get to stay home while their kids are in school "milk and cookies" moms. We would dream about what it would be like to have a nice, clean home and milk and cookies waiting for the kids when they got back from school. Well, that friend now has all her kids in school, and she is very lonely. She told me the other day that her house is still never clean. I doubt she has milk and cookies waiting for them. They have bad attitudes now and are disrespectful to her. I think she's going to bring them back home next year. All that to say, the grass really isn't greener! A friend of mine gave me some great advice about prioritizing yesterday. Make a list of your priorities, and then assign numbers to those priorities according to how much time you give them. She realized that looking for "better" curriculum was very low on her priority list, but she was giving it a #2 as far as time spent on it!! I'm the same way! This week, I'm determining what my priorities are and then assigning the proper amount of time to them. Know what's close to the top of my list? Reading picture books!!:)

Macrina

11-03-2009, 09:45 AM

I have always felt that moms who don't homeschool have less patience and aren't as "good". Man, if I had 6-8 hours a day with no kids at home, heck- I'd likely feel resentful when they then descended onto my space and time after school!

Mad Jenny Flint

11-03-2009, 09:53 AM

A few years ago, I was lamenting the same things you are, OP. I thought I was spending too much time "educating" and not enough time bonding. I gave considerable thought to what I wanted our days to look like, and what I wanted our kids to remember about being home educated. What would we all appreciate having done during these years, ten years from now?

I incorporate quiet, easy mornings reading together all in the same room, snuggling under blankets, etc.

This year, we start our school day after chores and hygiene are taken care of with PE. It is great because we get the blood flowing and have a good time being outdoors together.

We do school in chunks, with PE, lunch, and teatime between.

Teatime is daily. We have a hot beverage, a little snack (many times home-baked) or fruit and cottage cheese or yogurt. We sit around and look at some of the top news stories or discuss a moral/ethical dilemma. Sometimes we talk about a dilemma in our own lives. We do the SAT question of the day. Sometimes I read a little first-person historical account or a science article.

I have become much more laid-back about school. My kids both have a rigorous program for their grade level, and some board-mates have been a little shocked at the length of our school days. It doesn't look laid-back on paper. However, we have a lot of time to BE. That's what I want them to remember.

Sometimes I pull back on the amount of work if there is a lot of other stuff going on. I realize that in a b&m school there would not be this kind of accommodation. But then I ask myself, why do we home school? There are opportunities to show what the "real world" expectations are without mirroring it in every aspect of what we do. I don't want the world of take a number, uber-structure, one-size-fits-all curriculum and peer orientation for my kids.

What we are learning, they are retaining. What we do, they (mostly) find interesting. They are not bored. They are challenged without being overwhelmed. They have initiative and are developing their own interests outside of peer culture/expectation. They have time to develop their own interests. We are close, and my kids are closer than I think they would ever be if they went to school.

Honestly, if I sent them to school, I would never be happy with what was going on there. Many times I would be intensely unhappy. That would not make me a better mom. Taking full responsibility for their education is an enormous job, and sometimes it can feel overwhelming and stifling. I often wonder if I am doing it "right." Sometimes I get crabby. But it is my job. I don't want anyone else to do it. And it gets better every year. I would not trade it for anything else.

Erica in PA

11-03-2009, 10:03 AM