I hate entertaining kids that are picky eaters....

[KristineIN]

Dd had two friends over today (they are sisters and are celiacs)and are picky eaters. We had Chili for lunch, they wasted half a bowl then were hungry later I had some mixed fruit, they picked only what they wanted. Sorry, this is not how we eat, my daughter complained because I didn't add very many beans (I knew these girls didn't like a lot of beans in their chili) My children clean their bowls and want more. Normally I try and do playdays that are after a meal because of this reason. Sorry, back to regularly schedule programming I just needed to vent.

Kristine

[Sunkirst]

One of our best friends has a very limited diet (no dietary issues, just picky). I now ask his mom to pack a lunch and a snack. It's the only way we can have him over.

[j.griff]

I realize you were venting, :D so you can totally ignore the rest of this if you want.

I hear that you are irritated by the pickiness and the wastefulness. I suggest you look at the
situation a tiny bit differently. Instead of disliking the "waste", don't consider it to be wasted.
You had guests, and you set aside a certain amount of food for them- so whether they eat it or
not, the food is "gone". You are being hospitable, and would probably enjoy the visit much more
if you shifted your perspective and didn't give it another thought.
And now you know they won't eat much chili anyway, LOL, so you can put all the beans in it you
want next time (if you serve chili again).
Just my $0.02

[Plaid Dad]

We have a picky eater, and I usually try to send food with her. I would definitely do so for a child with a serious food allergy. Could you perhaps bring it up gently to the parents and ask that they send something along next time? "Little Johnny and Jimmy ate almost nothing, and I was worried that they are hungry. Would you be able to send a snack along with them in case they don't like what we're serving?"

[awanama]

I have a picky eater and pack her lunch/supper if she is going somewhere. I even do it if we are going to grandma's.

[Tami]

we have always had a value of eating what is put in front of us and THANKING the hostess. However, to some families it is not a big deal, and personal preferences are more valued. It sounds like it is a values/family style clash to me.

It drives me nuts, too, I feel better by announcing that our family rule is that if you don't eat your meal, you don't get a snack later. Eat it or don't eat it, but I am not going to cater. You are not alone in this buggin' ya!

The next time, I would ask their mom to pack a lunch and snack. Grrrrr

: )
Tami

[Old Dominion Heather]

That drives me crazy too. I think I am spoiled by my kids who will eat anything...although, sometimes they are too excited when at a friend's house to eat much. Maybe they were just too hyped up to eat?

[Doran]

Dd had two friends over today (they are sisters and are celiacs)and are picky eaters. We had Chili for lunch, they wasted half a bowl then were hungry later I had some mixed fruit, they picked only what they wanted. Sorry, this is not how we eat, my daughter complained because I didn't add very many beans (I knew these girls didn't like a lot of beans in their chili) My children clean their bowls and want more. Normally I try and do playdays that are after a meal because of this reason. Sorry, back to regularly schedule programming I just needed to vent.

Kristine

I'm sure I'll be singing this same song starting tomorrow. We're keeping two boys for 36 hours. They are among the pickiest eaters I've ever met. I just did grocery shopping and bought things I know they like (that we rarely serve anymore -- Amy's Pizza Pockets, Annies boxed mac & cheese). I'm hoping they'll eat tacos for dinner, because otherwise, I'm not sure what they will eat. Blah. I am so grateful for the way my children eat, but I have to admit, I'm not certain it's a complete accident, kwim?

Doran

[abbeyej]

I think the best approach might be to tell their mother, "You know, since I'm not really familiar with celiac, I'm just very concerned that I may accidentally poison the little darlings. I'd love to have them over, but I'd feel so much better if they brought a sack lunch -- and then all the kids can just have a little picnic!"

As a mom of a child with dietary restrictions, I usually pack his meals for him unless he's going to be at the house of a good friend we've known for a few years, who has made it clear she doesn't mind going out of her way for him. For everyone else, we either avoid being there for a meal, or I let them know ahead of time that I'll bring something for him. Even without pickiness, I don't think it's fair to put the pressure of feeding a child with severe allergies or celiac on a hostess who doesn't deal with that on a regular basis.

My other child went through a period of what to me was unacceptable pickiness. It made me insane, lol, so I totally sympathize with you there, but there wasn't much I could do about it. (I'm not saying that's the case with these girls' family -- maybe they overindulge the pickiness, I don't know -- but it's also possible to have a kid go through a phase like that even when one is doing things "right". Ugh.) Anyway, for *your* sanity, *if* you have those girls over for a meal again, I would simply serve whatever (gluten-free) thing you would normally serve (i.e. don't alter your chili recipe), but give them nearly microscopic servings. If they request more, go for it, but give them enough so that you won't feel it's wasted even if they only take three bites. (I once heard a rule for beverage-pouring for young children -- "never pour more at once than you would mind seeing spilled" -- same principle here.) If you serve fruit, I wouldn't cut up lots -- simply offer, "would you like apples or oranges"... Simpler is better. Small servings is better.

One last thing. Just because your children clean their plates and request more doesn't mean that other children eat that much. My son is the least picky child I know -- he has things he can't eat because of allergies, but he *loves* to try new foods and rarely turns anything down -- but he doesn't eat as *much* as a lot of kids we know. Both of my kids are eating a ton more now than they did a few months ago, and it's still significantly less than many of their friends. It's just the way they are.

[Tracey in TX]

When a child is hungry enough, they will eventually eat!
I've never catered to a fussy eater, whether my own children or guests. I make one (or sometimes two) items. Beyond that, meal time is in X hours.

We had a great nanny who taught my kiddos "ya' get what ya' get, and ya' don't throw a fit" mantra. They tell it to friends if they don't like what's being served. Unless I'm opening a restaurant, it's one meal fits all.

Y'all are seriously sweet to be considerate of fussy eaters!!:thumbup:

[amy g.]

I hear you!

My dd had a friend over. We had cinnamon toast made with homemade bread.

She wouldn't eat it because it was whole wheat.

We had a snack of grapes and carrot sticks. Oh no, she never eats that.

For lunch, I made homemade fettucini alfredo. She wouldn't eat it because I added fresh steamed broccoli.

I was quite happy to see her go home even though she is a sweet kid, and I adore her mom.

[Needleroozer]

I think the best approach might be to tell their mother, "You know, since I'm not really familiar with celiac, I'm just very concerned that I may accidentally poison the little darlings. I'd love to have them over, but I'd feel so much better if they brought a sack lunch -- and then all the kids can just have a little picnic!"

As a mom of a child with dietary restrictions, I usually pack his meals for him unless he's going to be at the house of a good friend we've known for a few years, who has made it clear she doesn't mind going out of her way for him. For everyone else, we either avoid being there for a meal, or I let them know ahead of time that I'll bring something for him. Even without pickiness, I don't think it's fair to put the pressure of feeding a child with severe allergies or celiac on a hostess who doesn't deal with that on a regular basis.

My other child went through a period of what to me was unacceptable pickiness. It made me insane, lol, so I totally sympathize with you there, but there wasn't much I could do about it. (I'm not saying that's the case with these girls' family -- maybe they overindulge the pickiness, I don't know -- but it's also possible to have a kid go through a phase like that even when one is doing things "right". Ugh.) Anyway, for *your* sanity, *if* you have those girls over for a meal again, I would simply serve whatever (gluten-free) thing you would normally serve (i.e. don't alter your chili recipe), but give them nearly microscopic servings. If they request more, go for it, but give them enough so that you won't feel it's wasted even if they only take three bites. (I once heard a rule for beverage-pouring for young children -- "never pour more at once than you would mind seeing spilled" -- same principle here.) If you serve fruit, I wouldn't cut up lots -- simply offer, "would you like apples or oranges"... Simpler is better. Small servings is better.

One last thing. Just because your children clean their plates and request more doesn't mean that other children eat that much. My son is the least picky child I know -- he has things he can't eat because of allergies, but he *loves* to try new foods and rarely turns anything down -- but he doesn't eat as *much* as a lot of kids we know. Both of my kids are eating a ton more now than they did a few months ago, and it's still significantly less than many of their friends. It's just the way they are.

Ditto! I was just getting ready to respond and say the same things. We have severe allergies, pickiness, and small appetites here. I have always packed their own food- it just makes it easier. And when they go someplace where special foods aren't an issue (we have several friends who have similar allergies), I just tell the parent to add our snacks or fruit to the mix. Bringing your own food just makes it so much easier-one less thing for the hostess to have to worry about.

[Doran]

When a child is hungry enough, they will eventually eat!....
Y'all are seriously sweet to be considerate of fussy eaters!!:thumbup:


All true. But, IME, hungry teenage boys, one of whom has Asbergers, are a worse punishment than me buying a few things I know they'll eat. If they were my kids...we'd be talking a whole different story! But, for two days, I'll cater, if for no other reason than to keep the peace!

Doran

[hpymomof3]

This drives me crazy too. I guess it depends on how long we are having the guest.

A few years back we watched my nephew for 10 days while his parents were out of town. He is the same age as my ds and both were 7 at the time. The first afternoon we had him he wanted candy at 5:00 even though he already had a snack a few hours earlier. I told him to wait until dinner at 5:30 yet he picked at his dinner and barely had anything. The following day he woudn't eat breakfast because his parents never made him. He barely ate any lunch. By this time we had him for over 24 hours and he only had a few bites of food. We went out to a pizza place that also has video games. He refused to eat any pizza, even though pizza is his favorite food. We told him that he had to have one piece and then he could go play. Since all the kids were waiting for him (including a child from another family that we were with) we let the other kids go play and he had to wait until he finished the one small piece. Of course he was furious but he ate the pizza and was playing with the other kids within 10 minutes. Of course to this day he tells us how mean we were because he had to sit for hours while the other kids played. I felt because he was in our care for so long that it was our responsibility to get him to eat. We could tell that his behavior was even being affected by not eating.

The rest of the week he continued to be very picky. At home his parents let him eat candy all day long if he wants to and rarely make him actually sit down for a meal. Most of his diet consists of fast food or snacks. One night we were having meat and vegetables. It is a rule in my house that you need to eat your food (not necessarily all if it) if you want dessert. He refused to eat any vegetables so we told him he couldn't have dessert. Since he was with us for such a long period of time we weren't going to bend the rules, especially since my son was the same age as he was. He never made him eat the vegetables but wouldn't give in on the dessert. Now 3 years later he still tells everyone how "mean" we were for forcing him to eat vegetables. Some people in my family think we were too harsh and should have just given in and let him eat candy when he wanted to etc.

On the other hand if we are in charge of kids for only one meal (sleepover etc.) we may handle it a little differently. A few months ago we invited this nephew to dinner/video games with us at the same place where we had the pizza 3 years earlier. We knew that my nephew wouldn't eat the pizza so we allowed him to eat chicken nuggets (his choice) instead. He wouldn't eat those either. At that point we knew he would be going home the next day and didn't necessarily have to worry about his long term nutrition intake so we just let him go play. A few weeks ago we had a birthday party at this same pizza place and invited this nephew. Of course he didn't want the pizza but we didn't offer anything different because he wouldn't eat it anyway. We figured he wouldn't starve so we left it up to him whether or not he wanted to eat it. It was frustrating but we figured that we offered him food so we did our part.

The bottom line is that I feel that when you have young guests for a meal that your responsibility is to provide something for them to eat. If they choose not to eat it then you shouldn't worry about it. You have done your part. I've tried to teach my kids to not be picky when they are eating at another house. My kids will always eat what they are served but tend to ask for a small portion and often don't have seconds if they don't like something.

[st_claire]

I *am* a picky eater :( Don't assume the kid isn't eating it because they are spoiled or holding out for treats. I would love to eat most things, but a lot of them make me sick. I will bring some snacks with me, or eat before we go somewhere if I expect not to be able to eat the meal (always have to do this when we go to dh's parents, they *love* making food I can't eat lol).

Anyway, just wanted to give some input from the other side. Many picky eaters really wish they weren't picky.

[Pajama Mama]

My kids are adventurous eaters compared to others. My kids' friends are all picky in one way or another. We have "real food" here most nights. We had roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy one night. My ds's friend ate over(sort of). He asked if I could make him a pizza. Umm, no. I only allow my kids to invite their friends over on pizza nights now. It saves me alot of aggravation:001_rolleyes:

[Jane in NC]

Please do not be offended by my question, but I ask it because I am truly interested in your responses. At what point does a picky eater become a rude guest?

Let me explain. If anyone has food allergies or preferences (like vegetarianism), I understand if they may not wish to eat what is offered to them. In fact, as a hostess, I often ask beforehand if my new guests have any food allergies or preferences. For example, if a vegetarian is coming and we are serving fish, I make sure that I have something like a cous cous dish with chick peas so that we all have a side and the vegetarian has a main dish with some protein.

When my son was much, much younger, I understood how foods that appeared differently to some young guests would be treated with suspicion. No problem. But I have had children fill their plate with one item from the offerings (the one thing that they really like--basically depleting all of the cantaloupe or whatever so that no else gets any) but not trying anything else. Apparently some children eat only what they really like and not any items which are so-so to their palates. We are talking about kids at ten, twelve, fourteen, etc.

At what point should a child be able to eat a variety of foods without making faces, sit at the table for an entire meal and join in the conversation? I'm curious what you all think.

Jane

[abbeyej]

At what point should a child be able to eat a variety of foods without making faces, sit at the table for an entire meal and join in the conversation? I'm curious what you all think.


Well, gosh, by three or four I'd expect a child to be able to sit at the table for an entire meal, join in the conversation when appropriate, and not make faces.

Whether or not they *eat* the food is, to me, a different matter. There's no need for a child to be rude *and* not eat the food. Even if they're terribly picky and eat a self-prescribed limited diet, they can say, "No thank you, I don't care for any" as easily as they can say, "Yuck! I don't want any of that." And, of course, eating all of a particular food so that others don't have access is also a rudeness, and one that I would expect even younger children to be taught to recognize and avoid.

[lynn]

I must agree. I have a BIL who tells me "remember I don't eat vegetables" the guy is 50yearsold.


My ds planned to have a friend over after classes and I planned to pick up a pizza for the boys and bring it home the friend tells me "I don't like cheese":001_huh: what, a child who won't eat pizza because he doesn't like cheese.......that was a new one to me.

[Joanne]

Don't assume the kid isn't eating it because they are spoiled or holding out for treats.

I hear you, I really do. But in my experience (my kids, a full daycare, being "the" kid house in the neighborhood, my experience with very picky eaters is that parental response influences it greatly. A large percentage of my picky eaters *were* holding out for treats or short order cooking.

At what point should a child be able to eat a variety of foods without making faces, sit at the table for an entire meal and join in the conversation? I'm curious what you all think.

I left a long time cherished internet site over this issue. (I returned, but it's not the same). It's a site that embraces non punitive, Christian parenting. But sometimes "non punitive" there leans permissive and many of the members have only littles, still. I posted that I wish I had "done food" differently with my kids; it's one of my biggest regrets. That I had adopted a "eat or starve" policy. I was not offering alternatives, other options or food soon after a planned meal or snack. You could eat what I made. Or not.

To directly answer your question, I *do* place value on having kids who can eat from a church pot luck or already scripted menu. Who don't always look for the "chicken nuggets" on a restaurant menu. Who don't over-eat their share of foods planned for "X" people. I think school aged kids should be well on their way to that.

If I could do food over again with my crew, I'd never even introduce kids menu items.

[StacyWithFourRugrats]

I *am* a picky eater :( Don't assume the kid isn't eating it because they are spoiled or holding out for treats. I would love to eat most things, but a lot of them make me sick. I will bring some snacks with me, or eat before we go somewhere if I expect not to be able to eat the meal (always have to do this when we go to dh's parents, they *love* making food I can't eat lol).

Anyway, just wanted to give some input from the other side. Many picky eaters really wish they weren't picky.

I agree SOOOOO much with you. Sure, there are some families out there that do not put much emphasis on eating healthy or correctly. However, you should not assume that just because someone won't eat what YOUR family may enjoy or will not eat as much as your child that they are spoiled or were not taught correctly. I grew up "picky" and did not learn until my son started developing my behavior that I am actually afraid of new foods. Like Claire, eating something that my brain finds "disgusting" by looking at makes me physically ill (now I have grown out of this a bit, but for some things I still have that issue) While a food might be enjoyable to everyone in your family, a guest may never have seen it and may be unsure of it. Assuming people, especially young children, to just chow down and feel that same what about it as your family is a bit presumptuous.

Now, on the other end, if a guest is very picky, their parents should be more proactive with you on their food preferences. I always talk to the parents first and inform them of my child's "picky" behavior. PB&J almost ALWAYS works as a substitute for him. Depending on the family, I will send food with him or they will accommodate him because they know his behavior. He is working on it and is getting considerably better, but it is really not something he can control. As Claire said, true picky eaters do NOT want to be picky. I sooooooooooooo wish I could eat anything out there. It would save a LOT of trouble.

As for those who parents spoil them and give them candy and food whenever they ask, you can not change their families behavior. You can let the child (and parent possibly) know the food rules in your house. If he does not care for the food rules and continues to whine or complain, play dates can take place at his house. Of course, you then have to worry about the food behavior he will experience there :D

[StacyWithFourRugrats]

Please do not be offended by my question, but I ask it because I am truly interested in your responses. At what point does a picky eater become a rude guest?

Let me explain. If anyone has food allergies or preferences (like vegetarianism), I understand if they may not wish to eat what is offered to them. In fact, as a hostess, I often ask beforehand if my new guests have any food allergies or preferences. For example, if a vegetarian is coming and we are serving fish, I make sure that I have something like a cous cous dish with chick peas so that we all have a side and the vegetarian has a main dish with some protein.

When my son was much, much younger, I understood how foods that appeared differently to some young guests would be treated with suspicion. No problem. But I have had children fill their plate with one item from the offerings (the one thing that they really like--basically depleting all of the cantaloupe or whatever so that no else gets any) but not trying anything else. Apparently some children eat only what they really like and not any items which are so-so to their palates. We are talking about kids at ten, twelve, fourteen, etc.

At what point should a child be able to eat a variety of foods without making faces, sit at the table for an entire meal and join in the conversation? I'm curious what you all think.

Jane

Jane, I imagine this is really dependent on the child and how they were raised. We all wish parents would teach their children respect and those teachings would sink in by a certain age. But alas, it does not always happen.

As mentioned earlier, my eldest ds (8yo) is a very picky eater. It is a mental issue on new foods with him. He will make a face and put his hands out if offered something he does not like (saying "no thank you" also). He does not mean to offend with the face, it is just his way of expressing his emotions when he sees a new food. I do hope he will outgrow this. Otherwise, he is a very polite boy (for an 8 yo). He doesn't really go to other people's houses much, so his experience with this issue is generally limited to good friends and family. He is very conscious of eating healthy and will eat lettuce by itself (even tho he isn't overly fond of it) just to get some vegetables (the only vegetable he has been able to stomach really...tho we are working on corn).

He sits at the table politely and waits generally for everyone to sit down before eating. He is a little silly at the table, but not overly so (he is silly everywhere really). Assuming it is not a long meal, I think children as young as 4 or 5 can be expected to sit politely during most meals.

[Gretchen in NJ]

Dd had two friends over today (they are sisters and are celiacs)and are picky eaters. We had Chili for lunch, they wasted half a bowl then were hungry later I had some mixed fruit, they picked only what they wanted. Sorry, this is not how we eat, my daughter complained because I didn't add very many beans (I knew these girls didn't like a lot of beans in their chili) My children clean their bowls and want more. Normally I try and do playdays that are after a meal because of this reason. Sorry, back to regularly schedule programming I just needed to vent.

Kristine

:iagree: We eat all organic at home. So, I really feel like I am flushing money down the.........drain.

Gretchen

[Angel]

Wow! Your responses amaze me. I usually do not reply to the kind of threads that hit a note with me but...well, I guess that I'm making an exception.

My dd has sensory issues...real issues that interfere with her eating habits. When she was much younger (she's now 13) it was much worse. She is not being whiny, picky, ungrateful, etc. She simply can not tolerate certain kinds of foods. Mix that with certain kinds of smells that sometimes arise while cooking, and sometimes she can not even finish what she started.

I think it was great of you to prepare something special for your kid's friends. I bet that was very much appreciated by the little one's mom. I know that I let my friends know ahead of time that my dd doesn't eat very much, and not to be alarmed if she doesn't eat at all. I don't expect them to make a special meal for her, and she doesn't either, she just won't eat till she gets home. If they ask me, I'll tell them what she does like.

Many of my friends certainly don't understand why I cater to my dd's sensitivities. They are much like you in that "kids should eat what is put on their plate." Well, hurray for those kiddos who can do so. Not all are blessed with this. Sometimes God has different paths for others of us to take and we are not less of a parent because we cater to a child who is in need of a different food plan.

If you would rather not "waste" your food, then by all means ask the other mom to pack something for them and then please say a prayer of thanks that your darling kiddos don't have to worry about this.

I really don't want to come across as rude. I usually skip posts about "little Johnny won't eat, what should I do" because I get upset at all the mom's going on about kids cleaning their plate and how they won't be short order cooks for no one and all I can think about is what if little Johnny is like my dd, what torture that would be for him.

I'm now climbing off my soapbox and I'm going to go :chillpill:

Angel

[ereks mom]

We have always had a value of eating what is put in front of us and THANKING the hostess.


...our family rule is that if you don't eat your meal, you don't get a snack later. Eat it or don't eat it, but I am not going to cater.

Yep, we have those same rules at our house. I taught my dc that being picky is an INSULT to the cook.

When we entertain people with special dietary needs, I accomodate them by cooking "permissable" foods for them. That, I don't mind. But pickiness is a whole 'nother story!

[Janet in WA]

I guess I was more tolerant of those kids because my dh and my middle ds (Asperger's) were the pickiest eaters on earth and I had to feed them every day. Consequently, I always had "picky eater alternatives" available, and picky guests could feel right at home.

[Remudamom]

Hmm, the last time my nieces came to visit I had a chicken sphagetti ready for them. My sister said they wouldn't eat it, but they liked mac n cheese. We made homemade mac. They wouldn't touch it. We borrowed some store bought from neighbors. Cooked it. It wasn't Kraft, they wouldn't eat it.

Then they devoured the chicken sphagetti.

[PrairieAir]

This is one of my pet peeves also. I don't mind fixing things especially for a kid with allergies, but I do not tolerate overly picky kids well. If I'm serving food to other people's kids, I try to keep it very kid friendly and things that most kids like. If it is a guest that isn't over often, I will even cater to the kid a little as at dd's b-day party with some of her friends. However, if these are kids that are over often and are major complainers, I get irritated. And if these kids are over at my house because I'm watching them as a favor, I simply don't put up with it. You eat what we have available or you go hungry.

My kids would not think of complaining or asking for something else at someone else's house. Shoot, they'll barely let you know if they're starving. I was raised to believe that's rude and I've taught my kids the same. They will very nicely let me know they don't particularly care for something at home, but they eat what they are given at other places.

It wouldn't bother me so much if a kid just politely refused something they were offered to eat, but kids who make rude comments ("Ew, that's YUCKY!") or are very demanding really get on my nerves. That just don't fly 'round here!

[Whisperlily]

Wow! Your responses amaze me. I usually do not reply to the kind of threads that hit a note with me but...well, I guess that I'm making an exception.

My dd has sensory issues...real issues that interfere with her eating habits. When she was much younger (she's now 13) it was much worse. She is not being whiny, picky, ungrateful, etc. She simply can not tolerate certain kinds of foods. Mix that with certain kinds of smells that sometimes arise while cooking, and sometimes she can not even finish what she started.

I think it was great of you to prepare something special for your kid's friends. I bet that was very much appreciated by the little one's mom. I know that I let my friends know ahead of time that my dd doesn't eat very much, and not to be alarmed if she doesn't eat at all. I don't expect them to make a special meal for her, and she doesn't either, she just won't eat till she gets home. If they ask me, I'll tell them what she does like.

Many of my friends certainly don't understand why I cater to my dd's sensitivities. They are much like you in that "kids should eat what is put on their plate." Well, hurray for those kiddos who can do so. Not all are blessed with this. Sometimes God has different paths for others of us to take and we are not less of a parent because we cater to a child who is in need of a different food plan.

If you would rather not "waste" your food, then by all means ask the other mom to pack something for them and then please say a prayer of thanks that your darling kiddos don't have to worry about this.

I really don't want to come across as rude. I usually skip posts about "little Johnny won't eat, what should I do" because I get upset at all the mom's going on about kids cleaning their plate and how they won't be short order cooks for no one and all I can think about is what if little Johnny is like my dd, what torture that would be for him.

I'm now climbing off my soapbox and I'm going to go :chillpill:

Angel


I totally agree with you. Totally. I'm currently working with 2 of my children who have sensory issues and we're actually making progress... they're starting to EAT. Add severe food allergies to the sensory "roadblocks" to eating and it can get worrisome.

I have some information from a food therapist about helping children through the developmental process of eating, and working through some sensory roadblocks. It's starting to work with my DD (age 3) and I wish I'd had this information when my DS9 was younger. Some things I'm doing with DD, I do in his presence, and have him help me "teach" her so that he gets some benefit too.

It has been immensely helpful. I hate it when people say "when a child gets hungry he'll eat." Even for kids that have no sensory problems, this is not always true. There can be an involuntary emotional response of appetite suppression to punishment with regard to food, and many children this therapist works with have built eating roadblocks because of the parents forcing the child to eat foods, or creating a battleground in the food arena. Normal kids also may have to be talked through certain food related hangups.

If you're interested in the information I have, I would be happy to share them with you. There may be a way to work through some of the food issues your child is facing. It might take time, but you might find it worthwhile to see if any of it applies to you or your child.

FWIW, I always pack a lunch or make sure my children have eaten before going to someone's house. I have learned that people understand issues they can SEE, and ignore/downplay those they can't. :mad:

[Doran]

Wow! Your responses amaze me. I usually do not reply to the kind of threads that hit a note with me but...well, I guess that I'm making an exception.

My dd has sensory issues...real issues that interfere with her eating habits. When she was much younger (she's now 13) it was much worse. She is not being whiny, picky, ungrateful, etc. She simply can not tolerate certain kinds of foods. Mix that with certain kinds of smells that sometimes arise while cooking, and sometimes she can not even finish what she started.
...[snip]...


As one of the seemingly "intolerant" respondents, I want to chime back in. I have the sense (please correct me if I'm wrong) that you would -- or could -- explain the circumstances to parents who might be hosting your child(ren), or you, as the case may be. I know that, as children get older, that is more difficult, and it's probably not possible in every instance. But, I'm pretty sure, if it was me, and my kid(s), I would give counsel to any mother who might be fixing food for a child whose sensory issues severely affected her ability to eat "normally". It would be as simple as saying "Julia has some sensory issues, so don't worry if she doesn't eat well while she's at your house. We'll feed her when she gets home if necessary." Or, "I've packed a few snacks for little Junior. He has some sensory issues, so he might be more comfortable with his own food. I just didn't want you to be surprised by that."

I can see why these kinds of discussions might push your buttons, and I'm truly sorry. It would be so hard to have the issues you describe and feel that parents were completely insensitive. However, I stand by my earlier remarks. While I'm sure there are some children who simply CAN'T eat what is offered, there are plenty of others (I dare say *more*) whose parents have enabled pickiness in one fashion or another.

Again, my apologies if I seemed uncaring. It was not intentional, and I appreciate you ladies pointing out that there is, almost always, another side to the story.

Doran

[Tami]

Yep, we have those same rules at our house. I taught my dc that being picky is an INSULT to the cook.

When we entertain people with special dietary needs, I accomodate them by cooking "permissable" foods for them. That, I don't mind. But pickiness is a whole 'nother story!

I should say that I only have experience with run-of-the-mill pickiness, and children who have never seen a vegetable. Obviously if there is more going on, that would be another story. I have merely seen overindulged kids who are constantly binging on junk food and who don't realize how much time and work it take to actually COOK. :)

Or quite possibly, I am just ornery. :D

[Angel]

Whisperlily,

It's nice not to be alone :001_smile: My dd is now 13, and as we didn't understand fully and completely her sensory issues till she was 9 (almost 10), we did the best we could. She is much better about eating now, and I am much smarter about working around her special needs. I thank you for the offer of help, though. It is nice that you've caught it early in her. My dd will still not touch pasta, except Kraft mac & cheese (and that only rarely and usually the character kind only). I chuckled at the person who mentioned trying to fix homemade mac & cheese and then buying mac & cheese and it not being craft. My dd is not a brat but it is totally about the texture. There are many other things she will not eat and some she still (after working with her) that she can't stand the smell of (eggs and waffles being some). The only known allergy she has is red dye #40 in liquid...she throws up for hours or till it's out of her system. I suspect others but we've done no testing for it.

And just so everyone knows. Dd never says "Eeww yuck" or is disrespectful in any way. She never has been that way because we have taught her not to. In fact, now that she is older, she is embarrassed about her food sensitivities because other people notice and make mention of it or about her being a picky eater...even when it is much more than that. And dd would not eventually eat something that makes or gag or almost throw up. She would go hungry if nothing else was available. Gagging on your food really does put a damper on your appetite.:ack2:

Good luck with your kids Whisperlily. I certainly can understand the struggles. I remember those days when she was younger and I had no idea what I was dealing with.

Angel

[Angel]

Doran,

I have no idea how to do the quote thing:tongue_smilie: so I'll just say that I did say in my post that I DO let my dd's friends know that she will eat very little and possibly might not eat at all. I think I also wrote that I tell them not to worry about it.

Yes, I know that there ARE kids out there who are bratty and would not eat just to spite someone else or kids who think a veggie is one who is named Larry the cucumber on TV :lol: I just worry about mom's who "think" the child is a brat (boy did I have these feelings with dd before I figured it out...it didn't matter to her in the least, she wasn't going to touch certain food and if forced on something that she didn't like, usually part of it came back up) and may really be dealing with other issues. And since the OP's dd's friends DID have issues, I felt that pickiness was a given. I have seen the kind of diet's for celiac's ... makes me have heart palipitations.

I think I over-reacted a bit because, like Whisperlily, I do see people who see no outward signs of a problem and then nod like they understand but still say...well MY child will eat what is put in front of them, it's not an option. Yeah, that kind of pushes my buttons:blush:

Thanks for being understanding.

Angel

[Karin]

This is a situation close to my heart and home. My parents taught us to eat everything we were given without complaining. But my sister and I both remember a time when I was very young because the mother made me eat a raw tomato and I nearly vomited. Not on purpose. I can't explain this to those that like or can tolerate anything but some tastes were that strong, and it was not all in my head--I tried to MAKE myself like them as an adult and just couldn't.

As the mother of a dd with a special diet, I always ask if I can bring something she can eat because I understand that it's too difficult (she has a long, long list, but even just gf/cf is too hard for many not used to it). However, as a hostess, I always ask if there's anything their children will particularly like or that they hate, and insist even if they tell me their kids will eat anything. Why? Not only because I was fussy, but because I firmly believe that a gracious hostess who has time to plan should put the guest first (another teaching of my parents) even if they're kids. I want them to enjoy their meal at my house, not have to suck it up and eat something they don't like just to be polite. I also know that if a child likes their mother's way of making something (such as pasta with tomato sauce, which my dd can't even eat so I rarely make it) that doesn't mean they'll like my way and I just don't let it bother me. As long as their parents are working on teaching them manners I'm happy. Just because some kids can stop making faces by 4 doesn't mean they all will any more than just because some kids will read at 4 they all will. Kids develop on varying schedules!

[Janet in WA]

As one of the seemingly "intolerant" respondents, I want to chime back in. I have the sense (please correct me if I'm wrong) that you would -- or could -- explain the circumstances to parents who might be hosting your child(ren), or you, as the case may be. I know that, as children get older, that is more difficult, and it's probably not possible in every instance. But, I'm pretty sure, if it was me, and my kid(s), I would give counsel to any mother who might be fixing food for a child whose sensory issues severely affected her ability to eat "normally". It would be as simple as saying "Julia has some sensory issues, so don't worry if she doesn't eat well while she's at your house. We'll feed her when she gets home if necessary." Or, "I've packed a few snacks for little Junior. He has some sensory issues, so he might be more comfortable with his own food. I just didn't want you to be surprised by that."

I can see why these kinds of discussions might push your buttons, and I'm truly sorry. It would be so hard to have the issues you describe and feel that parents were completely insensitive. However, I stand by my earlier remarks. While I'm sure there are some children who simply CAN'T eat what is offered, there are plenty of others (I dare say *more*) whose parents have enabled pickiness in one fashion or another.

Again, my apologies if I seemed uncaring. It was not intentional, and I appreciate you ladies pointing out that there is, almost always, another side to the story.

DoranAs the wife of a 50 yo dh with "sensory issues" and a 22 yo Aspie son, I can share with you that it is only recently that we had terms like "sensory issues" or "Asperger's" to throw about to explain our children's eating problems. Neither my dh nor my son grew up in a time where we had these terms to use in their defense. So of course, they suffered through everyone dismissing them as just "picky eaters". I'm pretty sure there are other issues that children have even today that aren't yet "diagnosed" and named. It is my opinion that a parent shouldn't be required to offer an official diagnosis or term in their child's defense just so other parents won't look on them as "pet peeves".

ETA: Doran, this isn't aimed at you. I love and admire your quickness to offer an apology. But some of your post just triggered what I had on my mind, so I posted this comment under yours.

[StacyWithFourRugrats]

As one of the seemingly "intolerant" respondents, I want to chime back in. I have the sense (please correct me if I'm wrong) that you would -- or could -- explain the circumstances to parents who might be hosting your child(ren), or you, as the case may be. I know that, as children get older, that is more difficult, and it's probably not possible in every instance. But, I'm pretty sure, if it was me, and my kid(s), I would give counsel to any mother who might be fixing food for a child whose sensory issues severely affected her ability to eat "normally". It would be as simple as saying "Julia has some sensory issues, so don't worry if she doesn't eat well while she's at your house. We'll feed her when she gets home if necessary." Or, "I've packed a few snacks for little Junior. He has some sensory issues, so he might be more comfortable with his own food. I just didn't want you to be surprised by that."

I can see why these kinds of discussions might push your buttons, and I'm truly sorry. It would be so hard to have the issues you describe and feel that parents were completely insensitive. However, I stand by my earlier remarks. While I'm sure there are some children who simply CAN'T eat what is offered, there are plenty of others (I dare say *more*) whose parents have enabled pickiness in one fashion or another.

Again, my apologies if I seemed uncaring. It was not intentional, and I appreciate you ladies pointing out that there is, almost always, another side to the story.

Doran

Thank you for the thought. And yes, you are right in the respect that parents of those "picky" eaters should inform the hosting parents of the issues and/or provide alternate food. To send a child to another household without highlighting this issue would most likely push that child into the "spoiled" category if you would say. Tho I would probably still err on the side of caution as some parents may not truly realize that their child is not like other children in regards to food. But I am just a weanie :tongue_smilie:

It is more the blanket statement from some (and not necessarily here) that can irritate me. I often feel like I am constantly being judged, and usually failing, in regards to my eldest's "picky" eating (I don't necessarily categorize him as sensitive because truly I never really regarded it in the same category as his other sensitive issues, which he does have....silly me!) The other parents see me as "giving in" to my child which is soooooooooooo not the case. My eldest ds doesn't eat the normal kid fare such as cheeseburgers, mac-n-cheese, hot dogs (until recently and still not much), etc. My other children do eat what is offered and I do not cater to them (and sometimes I do feel guilty, like I am being unfair to them...but I let them know that their brother has problems with his food...and he doesn't eat all the other yummy food they get to eat...hehe).

Again, thanks! :cheers2: (I just wanted to use that smiley!)

[Elaine]

I totally agree with you. Totally. I'm currently working with 2 of my children who have sensory issues and we're actually making progress... they're starting to EAT. Add severe food allergies to the sensory "roadblocks" to eating and it can get worrisome.

I have some information from a food therapist about helping children through the developmental process of eating, and working through some sensory roadblocks. It's starting to work with my DD (age 3) and I wish I'd had this information when my DS9 was younger. Some things I'm doing with DD, I do in his presence, and have him help me "teach" her so that he gets some benefit too.

It has been immensely helpful. I hate it when people say "when a child gets hungry he'll eat." Even for kids that have no sensory problems, this is not always true. There can be an involuntary emotional response of appetite suppression to punishment with regard to food, and many children this therapist works with have built eating roadblocks because of the parents forcing the child to eat foods, or creating a battleground in the food arena. Normal kids also may have to be talked through certain food related hangups.

If you're interested in the information I have, I would be happy to share them with you. There may be a way to work through some of the food issues your child is facing. It might take time, but you might find it worthwhile to see if any of it applies to you or your child.

FWIW, I always pack a lunch or make sure my children have eaten before going to someone's house. I have learned that people understand issues they can SEE, and ignore/downplay those they can't. :mad:


I would want to know this if your children were guests in my home. I would feel absolutly awful if I thought that they were just being picky as opposed to having some real issues.

[Elaine]

This is a situation close to my heart and home. My parents taught us to eat everything we were given without complaining. But my sister and I both remember a time when I was very young because the mother made me eat a raw tomato and I nearly vomited. Not on purpose. I can't explain this to those that like or can tolerate anything but some tastes were that strong, and it was not all in my head--I tried to MAKE myself like them as an adult and just couldn't.

As the mother of a dd with a special diet, I always ask if I can bring something she can eat because I understand that it's too difficult (she has a long, long list, but even just gf/cf is too hard for many not used to it). However, as a hostess, I always ask if there's anything their children will particularly like or that they hate, and insist even if they tell me their kids will eat anything. Why? Not only because I was fussy, but because I firmly believe that a gracious hostess who has time to plan should put the guest first (another teaching of my parents) even if they're kids. I want them to enjoy their meal at my house, not have to suck it up and eat something they don't like just to be polite. I also know that if a child likes their mother's way of making something (such as pasta with tomato sauce, which my dd can't even eat so I rarely make it) that doesn't mean they'll like my way and I just don't let it bother me. As long as their parents are working on teaching them manners I'm happy. Just because some kids can stop making faces by 4 doesn't mean they all will any more than just because some kids will read at 4 they all will. Kids develop on varying schedules!

Word.:001_smile: I agree and the same thing happened to me with tomatoes! I love to eat tomato based foods but I cannot eat a tomato. Also, the smell of sauerkraut makes me run for "out where Jesus lost his sandels." (Mad props to Plaid Dad again!) I don't mean to be rude about it, but it really makes me sick to me stomach. Immediately. And violently.:ack2:

[True Blue]

This is exactly how I handle it. I'm all about my little guests having a good time and wanting to come back. We are the fun house (as long as everyone plays nice and safe). I provide foods that are kid friendly. I'll even fix a kid a quick sandwich as an alternative. It isn't my job to teach the kids about food or manners it is their parent's job. I am modeling good manners by catering to my guests and not being sensitive.

[Janet in WA]

I would want to know this if your children were guests in my home. I would feel absolutly awful if I thought that they were just being picky as opposed to having some real issues.What difference would it make if you had some official term to explain the child's "pickiness" or if you didn't? Are you saying that you would think more of the child if the parent offered a name for the problem than if the child were, in your estimation, just "picky"? Would the "sensory issue" guest be accommodated more graciously? I'm just not understanding this line of thinking that's being offered (not just by you, but by many here).

[Elaine]

What difference would it make if you had some official term to explain the child's "pickiness" or if you didn't? Are you saying that you would think more of the child if the parent offered a name for the problem than if the child were, in your estimation, just "picky"? Would the "sensory issue" guest be accommodated more graciously? I'm just not understanding this line of thinking that's being offered (not just by you, but by many here).

I guess I wasn't clear.:001_smile:

No, that's not at all what I meant. I am saying that if a child had some real food issues, I would want to know so that I could accomodate those needs. I am in the "I don't mind picky eaters" camp. I don't live with them so having them as guests really doesn't bother me at all. Anyone who enters my home is treated graciously.

[Whisperlily]

What difference would it make if you had some official term to explain the child's "pickiness" or if you didn't? Are you saying that you would think more of the child if the parent offered a name for the problem than if the child were, in your estimation, just "picky"? Would the "sensory issue" guest be accommodated more graciously? I'm just not understanding this line of thinking that's being offered (not just by you, but by many here).


Thank you, Janet, for saying this so nicely. Until recently we didn't have a name for why my DS couldn't/wouldn't tolerate certain foods.

As a young child, I tried some of the things many parents do when they think they have a "picky eater."

I was in tears over food with him. It was so sad, and I wish I could've *understood* what I was dealing with at the time.

But like you said... does it matter *why*?

Do I have to single my child out as having "sensory issues re: food" when most people understand and look more kindly on picky eaters? Even if it is their pet peeve? Do they have to look on them with pity, when they're just a normal kid in most ways?

*sigh*

I understand the frustration from the other side too. Really, I do. I didn't understand until I had a child like this. I thought the same thoughts, so it's not really judgement... just *frustration* that people can't be more flexible with kids. (including frustration with my former self.) :)

[Julie Smith]

My mom remembers making me sit at the table till I finished eating. And I would sit at that table all day, fall asleep at the table at bed time. She would usually give in and carry me to bed.

At the start of a two day trip I was offered something disgusting, horrible, inedible - a hotdog. I then got it in my head that the only edible think I'll be able to find on the whole trip was pancakes. So I said I wanted pancakes. I didn't eat for two days and a night. When we arrived my Mom had to feed me since I was so tired and out of it I couldn't eat.

I'm sure glad my mom didn't hold wait much longer before 'giving in to my picky-ness'

I'm now a vegetarian, and will eat almost anything vegetarian. I will eat eggs, if I have to so I wouldn't offend anyone. Mind you I would happily puke them out after if given the chance. :$

[Elaine]

Thank you, Janet, for saying this so nicely. Until recently we didn't have a name for why my DS couldn't/wouldn't tolerate certain foods.

As a young child, I tried some of the things many parents do when they think they have a "picky eater."

I was in tears over food with him. It was so sad, and I wish I could've *understood* what I was dealing with at the time.

But like you said... does it matter *why*?

Do I have to single my child out as having "sensory issues re: food" when most people understand and look more kindly on picky eaters? Even if it is their pet peeve? Do they have to look on them with pity, when they're just a normal kid in most ways?

*sigh*

I understand the frustration from the other side too. Really, I do. I didn't understand until I had a child like this. I thought the same thoughts, so it's not really judgement... just *frustration* that people can't be more flexible with kids. (including frustration with my former self.) :)

Whisperlily,
I'm sorry. I really do not have the picky eater issues, that is to say, I don't mind picky eaters.

I wasn't clear. What I meant by "just being picky" is the difference between kids who have "issues" like yours and children who are just picky. If there was something that I could do to make a child with food sensory issues more comfortable, I would want to know. If a child is just picky, that's fine, too. :001_smile:

[Whisperlily]

:grouphug:

Elaine, I'm just typing out my thoughts here... :)

I am not offended in any way. Really! :D

It's just a quiet (yet understood) frustration of mine. I don't get upset or angry with people who don't understand, and I'm not trying to lash out at anyone here. It's actually the first time I've really talked about it... normally it's just a part of life. *shrug*

In the interest of information... I really didn't know why my son was a picky eater until he was around 8. In my eyes, and others' I'm sure he just was "picky" because he was enabled to be. But there was a reason I indulged him, even if people didn't understand that. I knew he couldn't/wouldn't eat some things, but I didn't know why... I even labeled him a "picky eater." I stopped caring whether others would do things the same way. ;)

Thanks for being so sweet... Don't think a second thought about it. I am not worried about it. :)

[Janet in WA]

I guess I wasn't clear.:001_smile:

No, that's not at all what I meant. I am saying that if a child had some real food issues, I would want to know so that I could accomodate those needs. I am in the "I don't mind picky eaters" camp. I don't live with them so having them as guests really doesn't bother me at all. Anyone who enters my home is treated graciously.What I was wondering about was why you would feel absolutely awful if you thought a child was just a picky eater as opposed to knowing he had a sensory issue. Doesn't matter. :001_smile:

[j.griff]

My mom started telling people at restaurants that I was allergic to pickles and tomatoes so they would not put them on my burgers, because if she didn't tell them that (I think severe nausea and possible vomitting are a "reaction", so-to-speak) they would automatically put them on, and just take them off and I could still taste the pickles and or tomatoes on the burger and I just couldn't eat it that way. I am 31 years old, and I can FINALLY eat raw tomatoes in certain dishes.

[True Blue]

I had a tomatoe issue, too. How wonderful that your mom understood. I would've given so much to have my parent "get" my food issues. Ah, well.

[GothicGyrl]

I *am* a picky eater :( Don't assume the kid isn't eating it because they are spoiled or holding out for treats. I would love to eat most things, but a lot of them make me sick. I will bring some snacks with me, or eat before we go somewhere if I expect not to be able to eat the meal (always have to do this when we go to dh's parents, they *love* making food I can't eat lol).

Anyway, just wanted to give some input from the other side. Many picky eaters really wish they weren't picky.
Ditto that. I am probably the worst picky eater ever--my list would be easier to say by telling you what I WILL eat as opposed to what I won't. And it isn't because I'm a spoiled brat either. My mother made me eat some veggies with every dinner, I was anemic at one point.

It's because the smell, the taste of certain foods is extremely nauseating to me. I can cook it without problems, but if I get a whiff of anything that even remotely smells pungent--you aren't getting dinner because I usually have a date with the Tidy Bowl Man. :)

I mind picky eaters but only because I can usually tell when it's a matter of "spoiled" or issues like I have.

Spoiled: My cousin, when he was a baby, used to have everything peeled, pureed, chopped, diced, minced, and she even probably chewed and spit it back out for him, by my aunt. Now, before I am attacked, this wasn't just "choke hazard", this was obesessive compulsive to "mother bird" him--believe me, I know the difference. As a result of this, he is now a child who will only eat the food if it is a certain way on his plate, a certain position, a certain color, etc. SHE did this to him. There is no aspie, sensory disorder or anything like that. He is flat out spoiled.

Now my DD on the other hand, is a child who would (and has) gulfed down an almost entire bag of broccoli in one sitting. She will eat mac 'n cheese, parmesean cheese, and cheese pizza, but not regular sliced cheese. Her hamburgers/hotdogs are plain. No seasoning on her fries. But tell this child we are having mixed veggies or califlower, or carrots, or mashed pots, or baked pots, or baked fish or just about anything *I* won't touch and you'd think she never gets the stuff, the way she eats it.

Me, my mom made me eat veggies. I had to. There was no such thing as "clean your plate" in my house because that's just bad. It can contribute to obesity. But I still had to eat my veggies and I hated every minute of it. Either ketchup, mayo, mustard, cheese, and huge glass of milk, was by my side because I'd swallow it almost whole with a drink, just to get rid of it. I get physically sick. I can't eat those things. You will never find me a vegetarian--ever.

Give me a good semi-raw steak, a nice caeser salad, some grilled shrimp, some white rice, and I am good to go. :)

[Mrs Mungo]

We have a picky eater, and I usually try to send food with her. I would definitely do so for a child with a serious food allergy. Could you perhaps bring it up gently to the parents and ask that they send something along next time? "Little Johnny and Jimmy ate almost nothing, and I was worried that they are hungry. Would you be able to send a snack along with them in case they don't like what we're serving?"

I agree, especially (as Doran noted) with the celiac's disease. I think this is the best way to handle it.

[Janet in WA]

I understand the frustration from the other side too. Really, I do. I didn't understand until I had a child like this. I thought the same thoughts, so it's not really judgement... just *frustration* that people can't be more flexible with kids. (including frustration with my former self.) :)I understand the other side too. I was once a young mother with one son who was an adventurous eater. I, too, congratulated myself as being responsible for that. And I'm sure I scorned other parents who "allowed" their children to be picky, and I probably described them as having "never seen a vegetable." But God apparently had much to teach me, so he sent me an Aspie son next. Now I'm an old and very tolerant lady ready to spoil my grandchildren, should God see fit to give me any.

[Janet in WA]

My mom started telling people at restaurants that I was allergic to pickles and tomatoes so they would not put them on my burgers, because if she didn't tell them that (I think severe nausea and possible vomitting are a "reaction", so-to-speak) they would automatically put them on, and just take them off and I could still taste the pickles and or tomatoes on the burger and I just couldn't eat it that way. I am 31 years old, and I can FINALLY eat raw tomatoes in certain dishes.When my son was about 4, he started telling people he was "allergic to crunchy green things."

[Mrs Mungo]

I understand the other side too. I was once a young mother with one son who was an adventurous eater. I, too, congratulated myself as being responsible for that. And I'm sure I scorned other parents who "allowed" their children to be picky, and I probably described them as having "never seen a vegetable." But God apparently had much to teach me, so he sent me an Aspie son next. Now I'm an old and very tolerant lady ready to spoil my grandchildren, should God see fit to give me any.

You know, it's funny. I raised in a family with tons of kids. Our eldest was *such* an easy baby, she really was, like a *dream baby.* So, when I was pregnant with my second I was always telling my husband "you realize not all babies are like eldest? That is just her personality, it isn't my superior mothering skills." But, I think he was really judgemental until #2 was born. Oh yes, then he was singing a different song.

I've seen picky and adventurous eaters come out of the same womb and raised in the same family. Some of it is sensory issues. Some of it is super-tasters v. non-super-tasters (I'm a super taster, I can't eat certain things) and some of it is just personality.

However, I stand by my first post. It's kinder to everyone to ask the mom to send along something the kids will enjoy (or at least eat!) or ask the mom for concrete suggestions.

[amy g.]

I agree about moms just packing a meal for their picky eaters. I have several friends who do that when their kids come over, and I appreciate it so much.

I take food for my vegetarians everywhere we go, so other people aren't put out by them.

[Elaine]

What I was wondering about was why you would feel absolutely awful if you thought a child was just a picky eater as opposed to knowing he had a sensory issue. Doesn't matter. :001_smile:

OK, Janet. :001_smile: You have made me think and I am very tired. I spent the entire day painting 700 sq. ft. of ceiling for a friend. :sleep:

I would feel awful because, in my experience, kids with special issues about food are not always vocal about them whereas kids that are just picky are. If I thought that a child was just picky, I would cook something else for them and not mind doing that. If a child has food issues and doesn't tell me what they are and I am not able to feed them anything, I would feel badly that they were hungry.

My goal has always been for my boys' friends to enjoy being in our home and to create an atmosphere of love and acceptance. I do this for selfish reasons. I want to have them here so I can keep an eye on them.;) Seriously, I just want people to feel at home here.

I see where what I said originally could be confusing so thanks for letting me clarify. :001_smile:

[Jenny in Atl]

I have two with Celiac, and I always send food with them if they are staying elsewhere. This solves a lot of the confusion over what they can and cannot eat.

[Whisperlily]

I would feel awful because, in my experience, kids with special issues about food are not always vocal about them whereas kids that are just picky are.



You know... I don't know if this is true for all or most kids with sensory/food problems, but it sure is for mine.

The two with sensory issues would probably sit down and thank you for the food you served... and simply NOT eat. They're not complainers, just non-eaters. ;)

[Laurie]

My daughter has had digestive issues since she was a baby, and she was tested for celiac disease but doesn't have it. Since the two girls both deal with celiac, they may have "delicate" digestive systems like my daughter does. She likes most foods, but there are some foods that definitely do not agree with her (as in terrible bouts of diarrhea). And beans are one of those foods! Maybe this is the reason the girls don't eat a lot of beans (and didn't finish the chili that you made). Maybe spicy food bothers them just like it bothers my daughter? Some fruits also bother my daughter, and maybe this explains why the girls only ate certain fruits in the mix? Maybe it's more a case of what they CAN eat than what they WANT to eat?

Given what I've experienced with my daughter, I just wish people wouldn't be so pushy and/or judgmental about food! It would be nice to not have to explain private things to the whole world, but I've found that it's better to be pushy right back and insist that, "No, she really CAN'T have that popcorn" when someone was being pushy rather than risk her having an acute attack of explosive diarrhea all over someone's fancy oriental carpet. (which is why I brought a snack that was safe for her in the first place...)

Anyway, I'm tired of the food fights, but here's my .02 anyway.

[Angel]

And fist off, after a night of rest, I want to apologize if I came across harsh yesterday, it was not my intention.

"The two with sensory issues would probably sit down and thank you for the food you served... and simply NOT eat. They're not complainers, just non-eaters."

This would be my dd. Even more so now that she is older and feels bad that she CAN'T eat what she feels is "normal."

I do appreciate being able to get this out somewhere, which is why I may have overreacted last night. We are surrounded by close friends whose kids eat anything and though it is not spoken that we indulge, sometimes it is perceived (of course that may be MY being sensitive).

Angel

[Plaid Dad]

My dd has sensory issues...real issues that interfere with her eating habits. [...]
Many of my friends certainly don't understand why I cater to my dd's sensitivities. They are much like you in that "kids should eat what is put on their plate." Well, hurray for those kiddos who can do so. Not all are blessed with this.

Thank you for saying this. This is our dd's situation as well. We do pack food for her for this exact reason. She really is not being a prima donna. Before we figured out what was going on, we took the "eat it or starve" route. She...starved. She fell so far off her growth curve that even our super-laid-back pedi was worried.

While I don't know all the details of the OP's situation, I can say that children with health problems are probably not just being pills. I still think the best solution is for the parents to be pro-active in sending acceptable food with the child - particularly for a child with a serious health problem like celiac.

[Jenny in Florida]

. . . the mother didn't send food or help prepare you.

We're vegans, and I always have a conversation with the parents before my kids go to a new house explaining that my kids probably won't eat much and that, with the combination of the vegan thing and the fact that they are picky, it's just not worth the host family's time to worry about feeding them. I offer to send snacks or lunches if the host would like, but mainly reassure them that they just don't need to worry a lot about feeding my kids. They are there to socialize and play, not to eat.

Over the years, my kids have had friends who had a variety of food issues, including one girl who had both celiac and diabetes. My son's best friend for the last several years has multiple severe food allergies that flare up not only when he eats but when certain things come into contact with his skin. So, we're all pretty used to doing food as a BYO thing.

I'm pretty surprised the mother of these two wasn't more helpful. And I'm sorry you had a rough day.

[Martha]

I think there's 2 seperate issues here:

1. the kids with sensory/diet issues that simply can't be helped. their mother should give a heads up to the situation, possibly even packing a meal for them just to be safe.

2. rude guests of any age at the table of another. I do not make guests eat my food, but I do not prepare another meal either. If they just don't eat it or say, "no, thank you." I'm not bothered in the least.

I don't know how I feel about them bringing their own food? Kind of rude to refuse to dine with us and sit there eating who knows what? (Also what if what they bring affects the sensory issues of a member of the hosting family?) Are they bringing enough to share with the table? We do that even with my in-laws. We aren't sure what kind of foods she's going to serve, so we bring a big dish to share figuring at least we'll have that to eat, kwim?

I don't think it's really about the food in the case of a rude guest. I think it's about having a rude guest. At least that would be the case for me. It wouldn't be the food not eaten. It'd be the manners not used that bothered me. And honestly, the first time wouldn't bother me much, I'd view it as an fyi for future reference. If they were going to be regulars in my home, I'd think twice about inviting them during meal times b/c I think it'd start to annoy me over time.

iow, I'm perfectly fine with a kid not eating at my table as long as he's not rude about it.:)

I've got 8 kids and some are "picky" eaters. One won't eat cheese, one won't eat anything red or even pink-ish, 2 won't eat pbj - not an allergy, they just don't like it and so forth. None of them are "spoiled" or eat lots of junk, it's just a literal difference of tastes. I've learned that if there's more than 5 people, no matter what you make at least 1 isn't going to like it. Such is life. No big deal. We still have pbj sandwiches and cheese pizza. I figure it doesn't matter if a meal isn't eaten because there's at least 2 other meals in the day. It all evens out at the end of the day. :)

ETA: I guess the bring their own foods for no health reason bothers me because at least twice I had kids show up with a sack lunch of basicly "goodies" for themselves. So my kids are sitting there eating steak and baked potatos and this other kid says something along the lines of "yuck! I'm not eating that! and goes to get their good bag and proceeds to eat a hostess apple pie in one case and a bag of hot fries in the other case. I thought that was terribly rude to do in front of my kids.

[KristineIN]

Wow, I didn't expect quite the response. I've been gone and haven't had a chance to read everything, but I know this family really well, have made them gluten free stuff to the point that the kids almost expect it. :glare: It is really not their fault that they are picky, I blame their mother even though I love her dearly. She admits to being a picky eater herself and we have a fellowship dinner every week, every week I have to hear her children complain of not liking something and picking out the foods that they don't like (like picking out beans out of the chili) She has six children, and so asking her to pack food for them is really asking a lot, they girls aren't over much, so it isn't a big deal. I just hated that they took too much, (even though I helped, the one daughter kept breaking more chips up into her chili and I sat there and kept thinking, she's not going to eat that) Then a while later they wanted dh's candy that was in his candy dish, always a great excuse "that's Mr. xx's you can't have it!") Anyway, I left out their juice and the mixed fruit and made them eat that later when they did tell me they were hungry. That was all I would serve them.

Kristine

[Joanne]

I've got 8 kids and some are "picky" eaters. One won't eat cheese, one won't eat anything red or even pink-ish, 2 won't eat pbj - not an allergy, they just don't like it and so forth. None of them are "spoiled" or eat lots of junk, it's just a literal difference of tastes.

To me, this doesn't speak to what I think of when I think of picky kids. When I use the term, I think of the kids I've had in the daycare who are difficult (and often rude) to feed due to more than preferences and some dislikes. They are kids like in the OP.

[Snickerdoodle]

Whenever we have guests I go out of my way to prepare food that they like, even if it's something we wouldn't normally eat. I wouldn't prepare a dish and say, "eat it or leave it" to any guest young or old.

[Martha]

To me, this doesn't speak to what I think of when I think of picky kids. When I use the term, I think of the kids I've had in the daycare who are difficult (and often rude) to feed due to more than preferences and some dislikes. They are kids like in the OP.

I don't know that I consider it "picky" either. I think it's just a different tastes issue? Not sure of my wording there, but can't think of a better way to describe it.

I know what you mean though. It's not that they won't eat. It's that there's a LOT of kids these days that if it doesn't come fried, in a McD bag, or sugar coated - they won't even try to taste it. I've seen kids say food is nasty, gross, and throw fits because they weren't given what they are in the mood for.:eek:

Whenever we have guests I go out of my way to prepare food that they like, even if it's something we wouldn't normally eat. I wouldn't prepare a dish and say, "eat it or leave it" to any guest young or old.

hm. I guess it depends on what we view as guests? Is it anyone that enters our home? This may be a personal style kind of thing?

I constantly have people of multiple ages in my home. Probably 3+ plus times a week they arrive for a meal of some sort. Kids? Oh my, I think there's only 1 day other than Sunday where I don't have kids visiting w/ or w/o their parents.

We simply go about our lives and are happy to have others join us on the journey. There is absolutely no way I can afford the luxury of catering to the food preferences and whims of everyone in MY family, much less all people comming in the door.:confused:

Now I've had more formal invites in my home for a meal or whatever, and I'll note what they don't like if possible. Even then I've never had an adult say, "UG! that's disgusting! Don't you have any normal food? Can we have burgers instead?!"

I think the burden here is on the parents of the guests. If they know there's going to be a problem, then they should mention it to the hostess so they know how to avert it.

Was it a planned event or just a drop in kind of thing? My dad once dropped in on us at breakfast. I was making scrambled eggs and toast. Of course, I offerred him a plate and seat at our table. He accepted and proceeded to say that my biscuts were too moist and my eggs too dry and why didn't I have something other than milk and water to drink? I said I was sorry my cooking wasn't to his liking, took the plate and washed it and offerred to brew a pitcher of tea. Fine. Oh wait. Now that I'd brewed the tea he wasn't happy because I didn't have artificial sugar for it and he doesn't like it unsweetened or with regular sugar or honey.

Now if he'd told me he was comming I would have tried to afford donuts and a 2 liter of coke JUST FOR HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS. (his preferred breakfast.:tongue_smilie:)

But I think if it's an informal event or a drop by thing? No, in that case you get what you get. It's never occurred to me that if I was invited into someone's home, it was also a de facto invite into their pantry?:confused:

[Janet in WA]

I know what you mean though. It's not that they won't eat. It's that there's a LOT of kids these days that if it doesn't come fried, in a McD bag, or sugar coated - they won't even try to taste it. I've seen kids say food is nasty, gross, and throw fits because they weren't given what they are in the mood for.:eek:Where are you people finding all these children? I can't think of any that I know (let alone "a lot of kids") who will eat only things that are "fried, in a McD bag, or sugar coated". Even the pickiest eaters I know aren't picky in that way.

[Martha]

Where are you people finding all these children? I can't think of any that I know (let alone "a lot of kids") who will eat only things that are "fried, in a McD bag, or sugar coated". Even the pickiest eaters I know aren't picky in that way.

There are a lot of kids like this. There's a lot of families like that.
I don't think there are lots of homeschool families like that neccessarily, but I know many families in general like that. They are not bad people. And their kids aren't bad kids. I don't view it as rude neccessariliy either. They are simply used to ordering their food and not used to eating a home cooked meal at the table. The ones that are just used to eating like that aren't annoying to me. It's when they are rude in their refusal to try what is at my table that I get annoyed. After all, I'm not making them eat it so there's no reasons to be rude, right?

I have in the past offerred other items to eat. Only to have item after item turned down and to find it boiled down to wanting something high carb and/or sweet or junk food that we just don't keep stocked b/c a. my dh is type 1 diabetic and b. I can't afford to feed my family like that. Now, I don't do anything other than say I'm sorry what we are serving isn't to their liking and maybe the next meal will be better for them.

To me this is just like all the electronics and movies and such. We don't have cable/satellite, and altho we have some electronic games we do not live attached to them or whatever is ont he tv. I've had more than one neighbor kid gripe that they're "bored" and there's nothing to do.

We have air hockey, foos ball table, a koi pond, bikes, dog, a backyard full of swings and sandboxes and other toys. Not to mention 5 bedrooms full of various boardgames and toys. And not to mention 8 children to play with. How the heck can they be "bored" is beyond me and my children. Turns out all they want to do is sit in front of the tv or computer and we just don't work that way. :confused:

[Whisperlily]

Where are you people finding all these children? I can't think of any that I know (let alone "a lot of kids") who will eat only things that are "fried, in a McD bag, or sugar coated". Even the pickiest eaters I know aren't picky in that way.


LOL, well... as a staunch supporter of your point of view on this thread... having some children with sensory issues and food trouble pickiness... I do have to say there are kids out there like this.

I *also* have a child who would live solely on a junk-food diet if I let him. ;) I don't let him of course... But given a choice, he'd choose the fast-food/fried/sugar coated foods every time. ;)

But, I don't know if I'd describe him as picky... if he was given something else, he'd eat it. He would prefer the convenience food diet hands down.

That's why I don't lump them into the picky eater group... They will eat something else if they're hungry.

[Karin]

. She...starved. .

Yes, my eldest, who has always been thin (but overall healthy) lost weight when I tried to make her eat what I thought she should be eating. And I was already being relatively lenient since I was a "picky" eater.

In my personal experience (this is re: a different post), not all kids with real needs will quietly sit and not eat.

It's been scientifically demonstrated (okay, my evidence is from a NOVA episode, although I've read it elsewhere) that people don't all taste equally as well. Some people cannot taste bitter. Hot peppers? Some people have more receptors than others. Etc. Same with smell. I have a very sensitive nose for some smells, and since most of what we eat is by smell, it fits.

Also, as an adult, I found that many of the foods I had to teach myself to like cause me problems. Not so much the ones I naturally grew to like. I can't say that this is always true, of course, but when I was a kid no one talked about food sensitivities. If it wasn't an allergy, a food problem didn't exist (okay, my dad is a surgeon, so if you couldn't see a cause for a symptom or the symtom itself it it doesn't exist;) okay, that's a bit of hyperbole, but you get the drift).

[Karin]

ETA: I guess the bring their own foods for no health reason bothers me because at least twice I had kids show up with a sack lunch of basicly "goodies" for themselves. So my kids are sitting there eating steak and baked potatos and this other kid says something along the lines of "yuck! I'm not eating that! and goes to get their good bag and proceeds to eat a hostess apple pie in one case and a bag of hot fries in the other case. I thought that was terribly rude to do in front of my kids.

Now that is rude. That's nothing to do with sensory issues or health needs. If my kids didn't have real needs (bonafide, medically determined sensitivities and true sensory [from birth] issues) I wouldn't ask to send other food. Especially not fries and pies. I usually ask to bring a gf/cf cake for my kids (and I bring enough for others) to eat at a birthday party because they really and truly cannot eat the cake. Or something like that.

[Joanne]

ETA: I guess the bring their own foods for no health reason bothers me because at least twice I had kids show up with a sack lunch of basicly "goodies" for themselves. So my kids are sitting there eating steak and baked potatos and this other kid says something along the lines of "yuck! I'm not eating that! and goes to get their good bag and proceeds to eat a hostess apple pie in one case and a bag of hot fries in the other case. I thought that was terribly rude to do in front of my kids.

Bold mine. This is why when I ran the daycare and now still do after school care, no outside food is allowed.

[Lorna]

We had one little girl visit who would only eat chicken. We cooked it for her and she still wouldn't eat anything.

My mother, a primary school head teacher, told me about a parent who filled out the special dietary needs form for a school camp with the instruction 'pizza'. She insisted that the child could only eat pizza for a whole week. My mother didn't see the funny side. We thought it was hilarious!

[Tami]

Whenever we have guests I go out of my way to prepare food that they like, even if it's something we wouldn't normally eat. I wouldn't prepare a dish and say, "eat it or leave it" to any guest young or old.


That is really nice of you if you can do it. Do you entertain often? Do you have an unlimited food budget? We have last minute company here several times a week and I have no way of knowing what special food to make. I do not have the energy to prepare several fresh, healthy meals, so they can take it or leave it (politely). Of course this is unspoken. After HSing all day, working all afternoon, coming home to prepare fresh food, and having last minute guests - they can take it or leave it, cuz honey, I'm not cooking two meals. Apparently I am not too ornery, cuz they keep coming back!:D

The vast majority of kids do not have sensory issues - it is a tiny minority. The fact is that many American kids are unfamiliar with anything but junk and fast food and have not learned manners. We have have found that time and patience has turned several around. A couple kids in my neighborhood now ask to come over when I am making fish, and before they said it was "gross." I have also introduced them to the concept of vegetables of all types, and over time they begin to like them.

THe issue HERE is that they are not exposed to a wide variety of food at home, and are used to high salt, high fat, quick foods. It takes time for their palate to adjust. These are NORMAL kids, no medical/sensory issues.

I try to keep an open mind to other points of view.

[Snickerdoodle]

We have people dropping by all the time and we don't have an unlimited food budget. I have one child with multiple food allergies and oral motor issues so I am used to not everyone eating the same meal.

That doesn't mean I always prepare a whole new meal, but if someone doesn't like what I've prepared, I am happy to make a pbj or a cheese tosti or a quesadilla, or serve some yogurt or something like that. I have one little guest who likes mayo on bread. I keep a can of hot dogs around for those kids who like them (mine don't).

[Martha]

We have people dropping by all the time and we don't have an unlimited food budget. I have one child with multiple food allergies and oral motor issues so I am used to not everyone eating the same meal.

That doesn't mean I always prepare a whole new meal, but if someone doesn't like what I've prepared, I am happy to make a pbj or a cheese tosti or a quesadilla, or serve some yogurt or something like that. I have one little guest who likes mayo on bread. I keep a can of hot dogs around for those kids who like them (mine don't).

See now, I have 2 kids who simply wouldn't eat any of those alternatives. And I would never expect anyone to empty their pantry trying to find something they liked. In fact, my kids would get a talking to if they even asked for something else. I try to always feed them at least a little something if there's any doubt about the food where we are going, so they aren't "starving" and if they come home and say they are hungry, I'll give them something then too. But I'd be horrified to find out they complained in any way about the food provided in another's home. I've told them to just say, "No thanks. I'm good for now." and leave it at that.:)

[Karin]

The vast majority of kids do not have sensory issues - it is a tiny minority. The fact is that many American kids are unfamiliar with anything but junk and fast food and have not learned manners. .

This is a point to be considered, and last minute company has to take what's there, obviously.

But I'll tell you about my kids to give another side. I am very anti-junk food, although I let my kids have it maybe once a month before I found out about dd's food sensitivites. My kids were fed (still are, with what they can eat) whole grains, fresh fruit (dried fruit is their "candy"), fresh vegetables, etc. I even developed a very tasty recipe with green peas in muffins (sounds gross, but even people that only ate "normal" food liked them) when my dd, at 14 months, stopped eating them (turns out she can't have them or most legumes, but we didn't know that.)

I avoided nuts and nut butters until they were 3 because my sister, whose son has an anaphylactic (ie life threatening) allergy to peanuts, told me that children don't digest nut protein until they are 3.

Overall, most people considered me extremely crunchy. And yet, I still have picky eaters. I was a picky eater way back when it was cheaper to eat fairly healthy (white bread excluded as it was cheap), and healthy we ate. I see many parents who cave in to their young kids and feed them junk, or low quality food and I wonder whey they started giving it to them so soon. I don have one who will starve herself if I don't give her enough of what she likes, but I make sure she gets healthy choices that she likes.

My kids might be picky, but they're picky with healthy food. Actually, my ds isn't very picky at all and likes a lot of things, but has texture issues and has since he was too young to make it up. Not just with foods, either. So, for eg, I give him raw spinach rather than cooked, because he really cannot eat cooked spinach without gagging. Not because he's making it up--I know the difference. He doesn't want to eat any spinach, but I work with him and make him eat what doesn't cause his gag reflex to kick in. Even when he was tiny he had the strongest gag reflex that I've personally seen. I force my kids to eat things they don't like when I know there's no real issue, but not when I know they really truly hate a food or that they really, truly have a sensory issue.

I think some sensory issues are caused by food additives. But not all. There were a lot more kids with sensory issues than most people realized when I was a kid, but it wasn't a buzz phrase back then. IMO, the pendulum tends to swing to one extreme or the other with so many things in our society, and it's the opposite of what it was way back when now.