A different view: Supplement you marriage

[Liz CA]

While looking for a news segment, I flipped through the few channels we have and caught a morning show that was discussing extramarital affairs - only they did not call it that. The new name is now: Supplementing your marriage.

I am admittedly living out in the middle of nowhere (apparently under a rock)but I had not realized that morning television had sunk this low. They were practically making it sound like there was nothing to it. It was just what happens nowadays.

Does anyone know how to spell self-control and sacrifice?

[*anj*]

You won't believe this.
But I am speechless.

That's all I can say.

[OhM]

that there are other people besides me who are shocked by this. I'm amazed at the number of people around me who think of extramarital affairs as inevitable. Now to hear of it on the morning news shows.

I'm starting to think that *I'm* the one who's crazy!

[Jenny in Atl]

While looking for a news segment, I flipped through the few channels we have and caught a morning show that was discussing extramarital affairs - only they did not call it that. The new name is now: Supplementing your marriage.

I am admittedly living out in the middle of nowhere (apparently under a rock)but I had not realized that morning television had sunk this low. They were practically making it sound like there was nothing to it. It was just what happens nowadays.

Does anyone know how to spell self-control and sacrifice?

Ya, supplement it with STD's, guilt, sadness, etc. What a self absorbed society we have become, and this coming from a socially liberal gal. :tongue_smilie:

[Diana in OR]

Whoa! I've never heard of this. I, too, am speechless.:eek:

[BonAmy]

please don't say the Today show.

I have heard people irl call this kind of thing a 'good' thing, because it shows that they are loving people, blah blah...

sickening twist on it...

[Rich with Kids]

This reminds me of the "starter" (http://www.pamelapaul.com/starter.html)marriage. Unbelievable.

[OnTheBrink]

So THAT'S what Ex was doing! Supplementing our marriage! Well, I'm glad it wasn't that pesky adultery thing. Whew! (sarcasm free of charge! LOL)

Seriously, soon we'll be the Republic of Sodom and Gomorrah. Scary and sad.

[Liz CA]

Can't remember which show it was. I don't watch them usually, I am not familiar with the faces. I think it had to be CBS because the picture was clear and I could hear the sound just fine. LOL That is about the only channel that comes in completely clear.please don't say the Today show.

I have heard people irl call this kind of thing a 'good' thing, because it shows that they are loving people, blah blah...

sickening twist on it...

[JennifersLost]

Hmmm. Will health food stores start stocking their aisles with human "supplements" to go along with all of the rest of the supplements that are healthy for us?

YIKES! Who on earth believes that affairs are a good thing? And what are they smoking????

[Eliana]

While looking for a news segment, I flipped through the few channels we have and caught a morning show that was discussing extramarital affairs - only they did not call it that. The new name is now: Supplementing your marriage.

I am admittedly living out in the middle of nowhere (apparently under a rock)but I had not realized that morning television had sunk this low. They were practically making it sound like there was nothing to it. It was just what happens nowadays.

Does anyone know how to spell self-control and sacrifice?

I guess it makes sense if marriage is about finding pleasure and completion and happiness that if one's "needs" aren't being met one should just supplement.

If one has learned to find pleasure and happiness in novelty and excitement and to view love and Hollywood romance as synonymous, then it makes even more sense. Even worse, love is seen as being about getting not giving.


And if one doesn't have any better models of marriage... in my (public) high school I knew almost no one whose biological parents were still married to each other - let alone happily or healthily married.

In our financial, educational, vocational, marital, and even spiritual lives as a nation we have fallen prey to the lure of easy answers and immediate gratification.

A terrifyingly small percentage of people live within their means, let alone save for their futures (of course there are other economic factors at work here!); schools look for new programs or new technology to be the new magic band-aid; many young people don't want to start at the bottom and work up, they want to jump those bottom rungs of the ladder; couples go into marriage without learning that building and maintaining a relationship takes hard work, clear priorities, and sacrifice; and all too many of us want to turn the problems we've created in this world over to G-d rather than taking responsibility for them, as individuals and as a society and doing our fair share to make things right.

I wonder sometimes if some of this could come from the aftermath of the post-60's disillusionment. There was so much hope and belief that passion could change the world, but not enough awareness of how painfully slow change can be... and that it wasn't failure to not transform the world.

I do think our country might be shifting a bit - whether towards something or just as prep to settle in for another hibernation, I don't know...

We'll just skip that rabbit trail, okay?

Yes, it is shocking and heartbreaking, not only that this is happening, but that it is being reframed as normal - thus setting some people's perceptions of what marriage 'ought' to look like.

[jacqui in mo]

Livescience.com has a new possible definition: Socially Monogamous

"Social monogamy is a term referring to creatures that pair up to mate and raise offspring but still have flings. Sexually monogamous pairs mate with only with one partner. So a cheating husband (http://www.livescience.com/health/080314-spitzer-follow.html) who detours for a romantic romp yet returns home in time to tuck in the kids at night would be considered socially monogamous."
(The above link is a different story on LiveScience on what wives should do that is the the original story. I'm not intentionally linking that)

http://www.livescience.com/mysteries/080319-llm-monogamy.html

This flurry of news reports seems to be a result of Elliot Spitzer, the new New York Govenor & the Detroit Mayor stories. It's like the media is trying to downplay what they did.

This is also where I think evolutionary science does humanity a disservice. The LiveScience.com article implies that this is the way men have evolved, that's why they have a hard time being monogamous (Ergo, it's not their fault & is actually normal). (And if that's the way men have evolved, why have women evolved so differently and why is it hurtful to them).

[CookieMonster]

Does anyone know how to spell self-control and sacrifice?

No. These are completely unpopular nowadays.

I'm starting to think that *I'm* the one who's crazy!

I identify!

I guess it makes sense if marriage is about finding pleasure and completion and happiness that if one's "needs" aren't being met one should just supplement. If one has learned to find pleasure and happiness in novelty and excitement and to view love and Hollywood romance as synonymous, then it makes even more sense. Even worse, love is seen as being about getting not giving.

Well said and right on!

And if one doesn't have any better models of marriage... in my (public) high school I knew almost no one whose biological parents were still married to each other - let alone happily or healthily married.

Yes, it is shocking and heartbreaking, not only that this is happening, but that it is being reframed as normal - thus setting some people's perceptions of what marriage 'ought' to look like.

Exactly.

[nestof3]

I guess I am not really shocked that this was on television. Is this not what movies have been pushing for decades? What are soap operas made of?

Yes, I totally agree it is wrong, but tell that to the many pastors and politicians I see on Fox News everyday. :tongue_smilie:

[JuJuBee]

Sadly, I am not surprised. When people take as their worldview that we are nothing more than animals, that all morals are relative, that no one has a 'right' to set any limits on their behavior, and that ultimately there is no right or wrong, why wouldn't you supplement your marriage?

If everyone chooses their own morality, of *course* some are going to decide that adultery is right as rain, just like the woman I know who counseled another woman who was suffering with terrible, paralyzing guilt after having an abortion that "she shouldn't feel bad; she didn't do anything wrong at all." People regularly suggest that prostitution and pornography are fine as well. It's perfectly logical if your personal ethic is based on "do what you like as long as you don't hurt ME."

[TXMomof4]

[quote=Eliana;125293]

In our financial, educational, vocational, marital, and even spiritual lives as a nation we have fallen prey to the lure of easy answers and immediate gratification.

quote]

I think that sums up most all of the problems with our society. If gratification can't be had immediately we must do something to fix it!

I was just thinking about this in relation to another topic (which I won't go off on completely right now) and it saddens me to see it. If you choose to be patient with anything in your life, you are portrayed as someone who doesn't have it all together. After all, if you were any good at (fill in the blank) you would be able to be fulfilled immediately! ARGH!!!!

[Mekanamom]

Ya, supplement it with STD's, guilt, sadness, etc. What a self absorbed society we have become, and this coming from a socially liberal gal. :tongue_smilie:

:iagree:

Agree with all you said.

[Jenny in Atl]

Sadly, I am not surprised. When people take as their worldview that we are nothing more than animals,


I actually find most all animals to be more "human" than us when it comes to families. Shoot, even insects are better at raising a family, and theirs are really big!

[PrairieAir]

Sure, extramarital affairs are good for you! Having one is to your relationship as taking vitamins is to you body. Yah, right.:glare: That is just bizarre.

[cricket1178]

Sadly, I am not surprised. When people take as their worldview that we are nothing more than animals, that all morals are relative, that no one has a 'right' to set any limits on their behavior, and that ultimately there is no right or wrong, why wouldn't you supplement your marriage?

If everyone chooses their own morality, of *course* some are going to decide that adultery is right as rain, just like the woman I know who counseled another woman who was suffering with terrible, paralyzing guilt after having an abortion that "she shouldn't feel bad; she didn't do anything wrong at all." People regularly suggest that prostitution and pornography are fine as well. It's perfectly logical if your personal ethic is based on "do what you like as long as you don't hurt ME."

I totally agree with this. If we are going to continue to say that there is no standard, what do we expect? We simply can't continue to say "anything goes as long as everyone plays well together".

[Joanne]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liz CA
Does anyone know how to spell self-control and sacrifice?
No. These are completely unpopular nowadays.

Wow. This thread is discouraging. Not because of the topic that inspired it, but the assumptions of a completely corrupt, morally bankrupt society.

Spoken as a woman who is divorced in part due to at least one extra marital affair, I *don't*think many people operate within marriage using a faulty moral code. I think *most* people (Christian or not) respect marriage, sacred intimacy and respect of vows.

The reason, IMO, it was featured on TV is not because it represents a lot of people's thinking, but because the it represents a provocative mindset that sells tv time and therefore product.

Most people, in my experience and observation, try to do the right thing.

[Daisy]

Wow. How glad am I that I don't watch tv! I just cannot believe how low our society has sunk. I'm reminded of...

Jud 21:25 In those days there was no king in Israel: every man did that which was right in his own eyes.

Pr 30:12 There is a generation that are pure in their own eyes, and yet is not washed from their filthiness.

[Michelle T]

Wow. This thread is discouraging. Not because of the topic that inspired it, but the assumptions of a completely corrupt, morally bankrupt society.

Spoken as a woman who is divorced in part due to at least one extra marital affair, I *don't*think many people operate within marriage using a faulty moral code. I think *most* people (Christian or not) respect marriage, sacred intimacy and respect of vows.

The reason, IMO, it was featured on TV is not because it represents a lot of people's thinking, but because the it represents a provocative mindset that sells tv time and therefore product.

Most people, in my experience and observation, try to do the right thing.


I really, really doubt that MOST people, or even a large percentage of people, feel that adultery is just fine, a "supplement" to marriage. TV is based on whatever is sensational enough to sell soap, not on real life.
MIchelle T

[Kelli in TN]

This reminds me of the "starter" (http://www.pamelapaul.com/starter.html)marriage. Unbelievable.

My mother in law once told me, as another of her adult kids announced that a divorce was in the works, "Well, the first one is just for practice anyway"

Is it any surprise after being raised with that mindset that each of her children married unwisely and divorced quickly? And some of them did this with children involved.

Sometimes I just don't get people, but then that is why I don't let her have a whole lot of unsupervised access to my kids.

[Ravin]

Here's a notion: adultery (defined as extramarital affairs which betray the trust of the marriage and vows of sexual fidelity) is to the relationship as smoking is to one's health: maybe feels good in the short term, but destructive.

To have an extramarital relationship be a "supplement", it would have to be a polyamorous one. That is, entered into with the willing consent and/or participation of one's marriage partner. Lying, cheating, and betrayal of trust are NOT right or healthy in a marriage. This said by a woman who currently lives in a 3-cornered relationship. Our arrangement IS healthy for us, because it's what we ALL want.

[Volty]

This is also where I think evolutionary science does humanity a disservice. The LiveScience.com article implies that this is the way men have evolved, that's why they have a hard time being monogamous (Ergo, it's not their fault & is actually normal). (And if that's the way men have evolved, why have women evolved so differently and why is it hurtful to them).

Evolutionary science explains a phenomenon, it doesn't and shouldn't be used to justify irresponsibly personal behavior.

[jacqui in mo]

Evolutionary science explains a phenomenon, it doesn't and shouldn't be used to justify irresponsibly personal behavior.

But it does seem to really be implied in the LiveScience article & in these TV interviews referenced here. Comments like, "It's (an affair) not a big deal", "That's just the way men are" seem to come from the evolutionary stance. The article made it clear that in the animal world monogamy is rare & not to be expected, and implied we are just part of that animal world. If they are not using evolution as an excuse or explanation of this, then what is the point of the article?

This topic is not new stuff. I remember when Mitterand(?) was President of France during the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal the news media kept pointing out He had a mistress and it was "No big deal" in France. Where does that attitude come from?

[WendyK]

To each their own, but yuck.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

But it does seem to really be implied in the LiveScience article & in these TV interviews referenced here. Comments like, "It's (an affair) not a big deal", "That's just the way men are" seem to come from the evolutionary stance. The article made it clear that in the animal world monogamy is rare & not to be expected, and implied we are just part of that animal world. If they are not using evolution as an excuse or explanation of this, then what is the point of the article?

This topic is not new stuff. I remember when Mitterand(?) was President of France during the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal the news media kept pointing out He had a mistress and it was "No big deal" in France. Where does that attitude come from?

Well, the fact is, it HAPPENS in every circle, in every society. Evolution might explain why, but we are not "simply" the product of evolution. We are also the product of civilization. And agreements (marriages, exclusivity, pair bonding) within societies and between individuals are to be honored because that is what civilized people agree to do.

Religion is one of the methods that people have chosen for civilizing societies. But it's not the only method.

That attitude you asked about comes from the very human tendency to excuse and rationalize whatever it is that one wants very badly to do. Some are better than others about recognizing principles of greater good.