What is more important? Living near familiy or a better living environment?

[StacyWithFourRugrats]

I will forewarn you that I stress over everything and go back and forth and can never make up my mind on what is best for the family. And I can't seem to want to stay in the same place for long.

Having said that, I can't decide what is more important still. We live in North Carolina and have for 4 years now. It is a nice place to live mostly (tho allergies are killing us) but we have no family to speak of here. My family all live in Texas (and extended in Louisiana) and dh's family live in Wales and England.

I often get the "urge" to move closer to family. We would move to Great Britain in a heartbeat but we couldn't afford to live there and dh couldn't easily telecommute from there (technically, dh can work from anywhere, tho obviously being in the town of his office is a bit easier in regards to meetings and such). As for moving back home to Texas, I want to go back there and I don't at the same time. KWIM? Hehe

Let me expand on that. My younger sister and I get along great (well, now...we won't go into what she was like growing up!). She just had her 2nd boy and I would *love* to move closer to her. My elder sister and her gf are moving back to Texas this month and moving closer to them would also be nice. My eldest sister, well, she is a bit selfish and being closer to her is not always an advantage. Then you get to my parents. My dad is great but my mom lives in her own world. My sister gets her self-centeredness from my mom. Her dogs and cats and goats have always been more important that her own children. I am not sure I want my children to feel "less important" like i did growing up. Yes, I have issues ;)

I could get over that if it weren't for the other big problem with Texas (and the DFW in particular for me). There is just so much....of everything. Cookie cutter houses everywhere (and obsessively too large for the 2.2 kid families that live there). A Target or Walmart or Home Depot (or insert any other shop) down the street only to have another one 5 miles away. It has grown too much for me and IMHO, not in a good way. When I visited, I was almost physically ill just looking at it all. A concrete village. Everywhere. (and I know that this is ok for many families, but it was not like this when I grew up there and I just can't seem to adjust to the change)

We could always move back to Texas but to some small town outside of the DFW area (my parents have been looking for land near Tyler in East Texas). However, I would have no clue where to start. Nor am I sure I want the dryness of west/south of DFW. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...............

Then there is still the possibility of the Czech Republic, tho thanks to the economy, that is getting more iffy and unsure every day it seems. And I am *NOT* a patient person. :tongue_smilie: I love the idea of moving to Europe and into a *hopefully* less materialistic environment/different culture, but I don't know when or if this will happen now. I am sure we could eventually get there but it may take a year or two.

So basically, what would you choose? Would you move back to a place that doesn't really appeal to you just to be close to family? Would you just stay in NC, hoping that a move to Europe may happen but constantly getting the urge to move? Or should we sell everything, buy an RV and just travel the country? :auto: Then if a transfer to Europe happens, you will have seen the country?

Wow, sorry for the length and all the random thoughts. But I am being driven crazy and my dh really could care less. He is a go with the flow type person. Sooooooooooooo not me ;)

[Melinda in VT]

I can completely relate to your post!

Unfortunately, this means I have no advice.:tongue_smilie:

We've been trying to convince family and friends to move, but we haven't had much luck. Some days we are convinced we'll bite the bullet and move back. And then we remember how ugly and overbuilt it is there, and how nourishing it is to live surrounded by so much natural beauty, and we decide we can't possibly move back.

[Christy B]

First of all, you should know that I am sitting here in my QUIET house, because my girls are at the local Christian school, doing achievement testing. We are almost positive we're sending my older dd there next year, I can not for the LIFE of me decide what to do about younger dd. I've been home for two hours after dropping them off -- in that two hours I've gone from wanting both of them to stay home, to wanting both of them to go to school, to wanting to keep the little one home longer . . . I can't even decide if I want to go to a homeschool mom's get together Thursday night, because I don't know if I will spend the whole evening being relieved that I am not planning next year's curriculum, or sobbing because I can't join in the fun! :confused: I totally and completely understand what you mean about not being able to "stay settled" on something.

Oh, and I LOVE to move. Seriously. The whole process, especially the house hunting. And the unpacking things. Oh, I just love to move. It is SO hard for me to stay put (we are in a great house, neighborhood, only five minutes from the school we are considering -- and already this morning, I've found myself thinking, hm, if the girls go to school, I'd have time to buy another house! and fix it up! whoohoo!)

Anyway. All of that to say I understand where you're coming from. Now, for what it's worth: I read your post very carefully, and I do NOT "hear" in your post that you really want to be near your family. It doesn't sound like you like Texas very much, and it sounds like you are trying to talk yourself out of moving, instead of into moving.

Are there other factors that could help you clarify your thinking? What about church, friends (yours and your children's). What are the homeschooling laws like in Texas (I know we have it good here in NC)?

Do you have the urge to MOVE, or to be near family? Which is really most important to you right now?

Will you regret later, not having more time with your family? If so, maybe it would be a great idea to move close to them, especially if you feel like moving abroad is seriously part of your future. Sometimes we can relax and really enjoy things if we know it's just short term. If you moved close to family, and then didn't move abroad, would you feel "trapped"? And would it be hard to extricate yourself from involvement with them, if it proved to be counter-productive?

Where in NC are you? Sounds like it would be fun to sit and drink coffee together and commiserate in our mutual indecision. ;)

[Mrs. H.]

We moved four hours away from our hometowns when dh started law school. A part time job with a law firm led to a permanent position after law school, so we bought a house in an area we loved, and settled in.

After two years there, the partners at the firm weren't being faithful to Dh. The raises and bonuses we were promised never showed up, there were no healthcare or retirement benefits, and dh worked 80+ hours a week, plus all weekends and holidays, just to get further behind on work that they didn't want to do.

We had chosen a house in a subdivision, which dh quickly learned to hate. He wanted to be out in the country with land, and places to hunt, fish, room to garden, etc. I loved being within driving distance of a large city with it's museums, shows, shopping, etc., but dh was missing home.

We began looking for a job for Dh closer to not either one of our hometowns, but a small city area with lots of land outside city limits. We even looked an hour's drive away, because we have the same issues with family that you do, and sometimes being too far away for a quick visit is a serious blessing. We found a good job, a rental house, and moved. Instantly there was a change in Dh. It was like he could breathe again. He could hunt, fish, be outdoors a lot, and do all manner of things that I hadn't realized were so important to him.

Four months after we moved back, dh's mother was diagnosed with cancer. One month later she was gone, and we were devastated. We have said many times that it must have been God who drew us back home just in time to spend those last months with my mil. She has been gone 2 1/2 years now, and we bought the house she and my fil owned, with several acres of land, just like dh wanted.

I guess all this boils down to what you want to do with your time, money, what ideals you have for your children, etc. Can you attain those goals where you are, or would you have to move? Would being close to family outweigh the potential stress?

I know for us, my family is dysfunctional, and very absorbed in their own individual dramas, so I have learned to answer the phone only when I am emotionally available to whatever they have to say. I keep my opinion to myself, and I do what is good by me, my dh, and our children, and not worry about others. We are glad to be "back home" more for what it offers us and our children than for what it offers my parents and siblings, or dh's.

[Tracey in TX]

I will forewarn you that I stress over everything and go back and forth and can never make up my mind on what is best for the family. And I can't seem to want to stay in the same place for long.

Having said that, I can't decide what is more important still. We live in North Carolina and have for 4 years now. It is a nice place to live mostly (tho allergies are killing us) but we have no family to speak of here. My family all live in Texas (and extended in Louisiana) and dh's family live in Wales and England.

I often get the "urge" to move closer to family. We would move to Great Britain in a heartbeat but we couldn't afford to live there and dh couldn't easily telecommute from there (technically, dh can work from anywhere, tho obviously being in the town of his office is a bit easier in regards to meetings and such). As for moving back home to Texas, I want to go back there and I don't at the same time. KWIM? Hehe

Let me expand on that. My younger sister and I get along great (well, now...we won't go into what she was like growing up!). She just had her 2nd boy and I would *love* to move closer to her. My elder sister and her gf are moving back to Texas this month and moving closer to them would also be nice. My eldest sister, well, she is a bit selfish and being closer to her is not always an advantage. Then you get to my parents. My dad is great but my mom lives in her own world. My sister gets her self-centeredness from my mom. Her dogs and cats and goats have always been more important that her own children. I am not sure I want my children to feel "less important" like i did growing up. Yes, I have issues ;)

I could get over that if it weren't for the other big problem with Texas (and the DFW in particular for me). There is just so much....of everything. Cookie cutter houses everywhere (and obsessively too large for the 2.2 kid families that live there). A Target or Walmart or Home Depot (or insert any other shop) down the street only to have another one 5 miles away. It has grown too much for me and IMHO, not in a good way. When I visited, I was almost physically ill just looking at it all. A concrete village. Everywhere. (and I know that this is ok for many families, but it was not like this when I grew up there and I just can't seem to adjust to the change)

We could always move back to Texas but to some small town outside of the DFW area (my parents have been looking for land near Tyler in East Texas). However, I would have no clue where to start. Nor am I sure I want the dryness of west/south of DFW. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...............

Then there is still the possibility of the Czech Republic, tho thanks to the economy, that is getting more iffy and unsure every day it seems. And I am *NOT* a patient person. :tongue_smilie: I love the idea of moving to Europe and into a *hopefully* less materialistic environment/different culture, but I don't know when or if this will happen now. I am sure we could eventually get there but it may take a year or two.

So basically, what would you choose? Would you move back to a place that doesn't really appeal to you just to be close to family? Would you just stay in NC, hoping that a move to Europe may happen but constantly getting the urge to move? Or should we sell everything, buy an RV and just travel the country? :auto: Then if a transfer to Europe happens, you will have seen the country?

Wow, sorry for the length and all the random thoughts. But I am being driven crazy and my dh really could care less. He is a go with the flow type person. Sooooooooooooo not me ;)
Gosh, you could be at any given family dinner discussion in our home :)
We live in DFW Metroplex, but it is as American White Bread, cookie cutter as it comes. Cost of living allows us many options which wouldn't be available in more desirable locations. Our family isn't here (no desire to live in Atlanta, or NYC and don't really want to return to Chicago...) We're constantly holding our breath hoping the European relocation job will transpire. I like the healthier lifestyles, more family oriented "kids are welcome", less materialistic mentality.
I have no advice to offer, but want to commiserate with your dilemma.

[Laura in VA]

You may want to consider if the benefits of living near family would outweigh the negatives of the area.


Would your children have a good relationship with your mother, or would living near her make her priorities more noticeable? Would it bother you if she did not seem to want to visit a lot or want to have a close relationship with you or your family? Living near family can make the "lack of interest" more visible to children, which could cause problems, kwim?

Is your ability to be close to family the only reason you would want to move to TX?

I hope this makes sense!

[Jennifer in MI]

What about another option - moving closer to your family, but a couple hours away? Find an area you like that is closer, so you can see them when you want (but they wouldn't be "stop by without calling" distance), but you'd be in an area you like.

I've lived 12 hours drive, 6 hours drive, and now 2 1/2 hours drive from my family (well, my mom and dad - brothers and sisters are scattered around the country right now). I absolutely LOVE the 2 1/2 hour distance. Mom and dad can visit for the kids' sporting events, piano recitals and all. When the entire family is together at mom's and dad's, we can join them without much trouble. I got to choose the city where we live (my hometown I would've found WAY too stifling!) and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!

Just thought I'd throw another option out there for ya'!!

[Jami]

I do know how you feel though, Stacey!

I'd love to be closer to my family, really, really would love it. My older sister homeschools also and has 5 children, 3 are close in age to my children and they're all such good buddies. My brother and SIL are about to have their first child and I hate being so far from them too! But my parents and sister live in rural Nebraska. Dh works in the new media/design field, and while he *could* work from home, we found that it wasn't great for his creativity or tendency toward depression to work alone for extended periods of time. That's why WE moved to the DFW area in the first place, for him to join his boss in an office environment. Which has been fantastic as far as work goes. But...we're a long ways from family, I'm not crazy about this area, we're renting now but I've yet to be in a home or neighborhood that I can see us loving to live in for the long term....

We moved from St. Louis, where dh's family is. And I'd be open to going back but dh would rather not. Not because of family issues, his parents and siblings are great, he just feels like it would be going backwards or a defeat. And it would be really hard to go back to our beloved church knowing that people have moved on without us *sniff*, and I'm not sure we'd want to live in the areas we lived in before, lovely old homes, city access to great things, but not as comfortable a place to raise children.

I bring up places that would be between our two families from time to time. But to just pick a place and start over, when work is fantastic for him here, homeschool opportunities abound for the kids here, and we've found some good friends and a church community to become a part of now.

Of course if Apple called and offered him a gig doing UI design, he'd probably drag me to CA, so it could be worse. ;)

Jami

[StacyWithFourRugrats]

We live south of Raleigh. It is beautiful here, tho I imagine the expansion will hit us in a few years. I do love it and yet...I am itching to get out of here! Talk about conflicting emotions ;)

[Jenny in Atl]

This is a hard question for me to answer. I live near to all my family, but I would not say we are very close. We get alone and for the most part enjoy seeing each other as long as it's not more than once a month. That said, I'm sick of where I live and long to live near those elusive friends and sites I enjoy. Not sure where that is though. We have always felt if we could only move where there were like minded folks, we would be happier. So to answer, I don't know... but I think people matter more than the place.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I would do what's best for *my* family--my dh, me, and our dc. I love my family and being near them is a lot of fun, but, I can honestly say that it's been really good for us to have our own family traditions and routines. When we were so near family, I always felt pulled by them (not that they were putting pressure on me, not at all) to join in every holiday, every event, every project. I did enjoy it, and I loved the relationship my dc have with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, but, I realize now, it was a lot.

It's hard not being near them at times. I haven't spent a holiday with them in 3 years and we are going on our 4th Christmas away. But, it's been really relaxing and fun enjoying our holidays and our own traditions without driving everywhere to see everyone.

Maybe that sounds selfish. I hope not. I really, truly love all of in-laws and family. But, it's been wonderful not feeling the "pull" away from my own family and being able to put our needs first.

[Tarheel Heather]

We live south of Raleigh. It is beautiful here, tho I imagine the expansion will hit us in a few years. I do love it and yet...I am itching to get out of here! Talk about conflicting emotions ;)

In the middle of March Madness, ACC heaven, gee why would you want to be anywhere else. :001_smile:

We were so very close to moving over that way. Family close yet just far enough away not to be aggravating. Instead we ended up in small town where everything opens at 1:30 on Sun. Go figure, I would love to have been near Raleigh!

[LisaK in VA]

I'm itching to get away. I'd like to be about 2 hours away. Close enough to visit for a weekend or holidays, far enough away so I have some "space."

Having lived in AR (close to in-laws) and VA (with my folks), I'd choose VA any day. Although, if we had to move -- it would either be to NC/SC or Texas (shock). Reasons for TX? Great salary and low cost of living = great for retirement. NC/SC -- just love the atmosphere. We plan on remaining VA residents through my dc college enrollments (because the schools here are so highly rated, and there are so many close by).

My dh may also have the opportunity to live in Europe (Rhoda, Spain; Naples, Italy; and one other city I can never remember). It excites me to think about it -- but I know I will miss my home. I will also fret about the children not having good "roots."

I grew up moving around -- and even today, I am a bit envious of everyone I know who has such and such friend from their younger days. I want my children to feel like they have a home somewhere, have the ability to develop strong relationships -- things I never had.

Unfortunately, it all comes down to what you value most. Would the benefits of being closer to family outweigh the benefits of where you live now?

Would living close (but not IN) Texas (such as around Tulsa) be a palatable option? Eastern OK has some very pretty areas, as does western TN.

The notion of driving around the country in an RV and seeing the world has a romantic appeal -- but I also know I'd be really tired of it after a couple of weeks. I need some space :D

Best wishes as you make this important decision.

[Twinmom]

I just relocated to NC from DFW and left my entire family behind! We've been in a small NC town near the mountains since August, and I'm thrilled to death to leave DFW behind. I hated the heat, the concrete jungle, the long drive to do the smallest errand, the cookie cutter houses and the materialism...and I don't miss the family chaos (You know the saying, "Families are like brownies...mostly sweet but a few nuts?" That's us!) I loved the friends, the family, the church my family had been in for 40 years. It was a tough move, but being here is much better for our family. We are outdoorsy, small town kind of folks...we flourish here.

Someone recently said to me that you can visit chaos, but you don't have to live in it! I think that's a good way to judge the situation. If you want to be closer to family and you can live with the rest of it, move back. If not...remind them that NC is a fabulous vacation spot! ;) Worked for me...

Good luck!

[StacyWithFourRugrats]

I can happily spend most days at home, never venturing out except on errands. Dh prefers to get out of the house more. My children play well together, tho my eldest 8yo ds is "bored" lately and I know he wishes he had more friends to play with. I think the "boredom" thing is a phase...*hopefully*. We have been very lax on schooling due to family visit and other things.

My family is mostly normal and not too dysfunctional. However, I can't seem to fully commit to moving back home just to live near them. The *only* reason we would move back to Texas would be to live near family. I am just not sure that is a good enough reason, especially when my original goal was to get OUT of Texas. :tongue_smilie:

Sometimes I wish we could move out to some small town near the coast or near/in the mountains. However, who knows if my "wanderlust" would kick in after a few years. And would seem kinda weird to move to some previously unknown place no where near family. There are a few island off the coast of Scotland that look pretty nice.:lol:

My biggest urge is to move somewhere new and let the children experience new cultures. We are a multicultural family by nature (dh is british, I am american, our 2 boys are british-americans and our girls are Korean growing up American). While I love America, I am not overly thrilled at times with our materialistic, holier-than-thou, bigger is better and all that jazz attitude. I want my children to know there is more out there. Different ways to live. The opportunity to move to the Czech Republic is soooo tempting but the delay and lack of information is driving me batty! Dh just doesn't understand why :rofl:

Anyone want to buy a nice, family oriented house south of Raleigh? :001_tt2:

[Wendi]

We moved to AZ from FL four years ago. Our family is back in FL. We LOVE living in Arizona! We love the weather, the hiking, the views, the varied geography, the access to things like skiing and sledding in the winter.

However, we plan to move back to FL sometime in the next few years. The primary reason is dh's mom. She will be 80 in September. She's vibrant and active, and in good health, but I know that things can change quickly when you're in your 80s. She has a son who lives just a few doors down, so she does have some help. But we want to be closer to her.

We would definitely miss AZ, and hate the humidity in FL, but it's important to us to be close to dh's mom as she ages. She's unable to travel out here.

Wendi

[one l michele]

We lived in the DFW area, moved from being with in driving distance of both dh's and my side of the family. I learned you can't "force" bonds just because one is a blood relative and you think there should be a bond. I also learned to focus on my immediate family being dh and my kids. I really think times have changed. I grew up very involved with extended family, seeing cousins every weekend and grandparents several times a week. I felt sad that my boys were not experiencing the same and tried to recreate that. I quickly became frustrated as the interest just wasn't there, everyone else was so centered on their "busy" lives, filled with excuses on why they can't do this or that, etc.. When it got down to both of our families only getting together once a year, with no contact in between, we decided to give up and do what we wanted to do, not what we thought was the right thing to do. We didn't go to our annual get together last year, just had no desire, these "people" don't know us anymore, and obviously don't care if they are too "busy" to respond to pictures, send the boys a birthday wish, etc.. We were the ones driving everywhere to see that the boys saw their extended family. It's sad, but it's the way it is and I can't change it.

[Gretchen in NJ]

My father was unhappy with all of the bad weather in NJ. He had kept track of it for an entire year.
When I was 8, my parents sold the house and the two cars. They bought a van and a travel trailer. They took me out of 1st grade and we traveled cross country for 6 months. Then, we returned to NJ for 3 months to collect our things.
My parents decided that they liked Arizona best. So we opened the map to Arizona, blind folded my mother, spun her around, gave her a pencil, and she pointed to Tucson , Az. Having never been to that part of Az. did not stop my parents from moving there for 8 years.

When we finally move back, my grandfather died a few months later. I will never take my children away from there grandparents or vice-a-versa.

Gretchen

[Ferdie]

I grew up living away from all my relatives and really regret it. I never knew my cousins, aunts or grandparents, except through cards and a few childhood visits.

Next time you are in Texas check out the west side of the Flower Mound area - down around Grapevine Lake. I love visiting my friends that live over there because the houses are built on large, wooded lots and they are walking distance to the lake. Many of the homes are custom homes so you don't have the cookie cutter feel.

It's true that there is a Wal-mart and Home Depot in town but it is really convienent when it is time to run errands. Plus our Wal-mart (the one in Highland village) is so beautiful it is a joy to shop at. Best of all you would be about 2 hours away from Tyler, close enough for frequent visits with your family but far enough away for privacy.

Good luck.

[tess in the burbs]

and honestly? years later we regret leaving the NW. I wanted to be closer to family in NC. Dh wanted a new job and someone called offering one with full relocation. we moved back to NC. in 6 months we had our second daughter, bought a house, dh lost his job and then lost the house and he lived with friends while I lived with his grandparents. it was an awful experience.

we then had to move to Virginia for a job. so our 'plan' has put us 6 hours away from family and while we have grown to like it here, it was not our first choice. heck, it wouldn't be my 100th, lol.

my point is, live where you are happy. if Europe is the goal then don't go wasting money going back to TX. save up and get to where you want to be.

we are in a position right now deciding about staying here or considering moving away. and after our last experience I think it's easier to stay....b/c you never know what will happen.

[WTMindy]

I would do almost anything to be close to family. We live within five miles of my parents, my brother & family, my in-laws, and my sil and family (and my grandparents also). I love it and appreciate it more than I can ever express.

The area we live in is a good place to raise a family and so I don't feel torn by that, but I would live in a pretty bad place if I had to in order to enjoy the benefits of family nearby!

[Mamabegood]

We started off our marriage in Germany, moved to S. California, then to Washington state, and now we are back in the rinky dink town where I grew up, and swore to myself I would never live in again. But...It was totally our choice, and I'm so glad we did. My parents, who we are extremely close to, and who are very involved with our five children, live about a mile away. It's awesome! And it makes it worth living in this crappy town.

OTOH, if we were talking about living near my dh's parents, I'd opt for the European route. To me, if you've got great family, it's more important to be close, even if you don't like the area. With a not-so-great family, the area is more important.

[pixelroper]

I'm moving back to a place I have mixed feelings about just to be near family, I now place a much higher value on family. Its helps if you get along with them. In fact I wouldn't make this move if; there weren't close ties, shared values & faith, or a supportive atmosphere. My family isn't all sunshine and wonderfulness either, but I do appreciate them greatly. BTY the weather is far worse than we've been used to- every time I complain about it I'll have to remind myself of why I'm there:)