Setting goals & motivating yourself

[Doran]

This isn't about the kinds of things I do for my kids, my husband, my household, my community. I'm plugging along well enough with all that. It's about me. I'm feeling really stuck (some might have made this connection from my "walking in place" post the other day) but can't seem to figure out how to unstick myself.

Here's a phrase that seems to sum up nicely what I've been feeling. This showed up on the pages of my journal this morning - a succinct headline out of my head: Girl lacking direction loses her way :willy_nilly:

I'm not meaning to whine. I think I've been hoping that destiny or the proverbial neon sign would show up and point the way. But, I'm losing hope while realizing that I am also probably wrong to be wishing for those "solutions" in the first place. I've actually got to DO something about moving myself forward.

Mostly this has to do with my income producing life. But, it's deeper than that. I could find a job, one that fits into my homeschooling life, if I tried hard enough. But, it's not just a job I want. It's the desire to pursue something meaningful. It's focus, a goal, and/or the motivation to go somewhere with something I believe in.

I plan to check out a book called Finding Your Own North Star from inter-library loan, for the THIRD time. I read about half of it the first go around and never even cracked it open on the second. But, it's one source I know I can turn to. Some might choose career counseling, but I'm disinclined to spend the money on that right now.

I never thought of myself as lacking motivation. But, apparently my ever-widening backside is a good indication that I am what I thought I wasn't.

What do you do - have you done - to move yourself off of ground zero?

Doran

[Mrs. H.]

I try to be accountable to someone or some thing when I'm trying to get motivated. Since me making money would just be "extra" for fun stuff and not money to buy food or clothes, I have to set goals for myself.

For this year, I hope to make enough money with my writing to buy all the homeschool curriculum for next year. I have told Dh about this goal, and he asks me about it periodically, and encourages me to do what I need to do to get there, but he has also told me that if I don't make it, it's not a big deal, we'll just shoot for the next goal.

Now, for stuff like hobbies, interests, bettering myself, etc. I am completely unmotivated, spacey, and easily distracted. I love to read, garden, sew, and knit, plus do home improvement projects around the house. However, I like to do them for the fun of it, and to learn something new, while Dh is goal-oriented, and doesn't do anything without some end goal in sight. I drive him batty sometimes, and he helps to keep me organized and accountable, and offers to help, send me to classes, etc. to pursue my interests.

[Doran]

Yes, accountability helps. And, I do have a "sort of" goal - - but, it's a big one, and one I'm not sure I can realistically accomplish, at least right away. That may be why I'm struggling at this stage. My goal is to make enough money for dh and I to be able to comfortably pay the mortgage on a house we hope to build. (Until then, we will probably continue to rent, which is frustrating to me.) I'm halfway there in terms of what I'm earning.

I have a paying job that fulfills a particular desire on some level. When I switched out of farming and farmers' market management (jobs I'd held for over a decade and which left me completely drained of enough energy to tackle anything "real" for some months), I had a goal to do pursue writing. An opportunity came along toward that end, and I took it. So, I feel good about that. But, I also had ideas about other ways to use my skills and knowledge. Things like teaching classes and consulting, or maybe freelance writing. I have to create whatever "it" is to turn those ideas into money making opportunities. And, I really thought I had that in me. But, here I am, a year later, and slipping backwards in terms of my desire, confidence, and my certainty that those original ideas are what I should be doing.

So, for me, the problem is that I have a goal in mind (and, perhaps the goal needs revising) -- to double my current income while continuing to maintain a sane level of time commitment so I can still homeschool -- but I'm not sure how to best get there or how to discern what are the next best steps for me. That wasn't clear in my original post. Thanks for trying to help!

Doran

[JennifersLost]

One time I did an exercise that was both challenging and really helpful. I, too, couldn't afford career counseling and so one night I decided to be my own career counselor.

I sat in front of a mirror and looked at myself for awhile trying to "see" myself like a stranger would - really see me.

I wrote down what my appearance said about me as a person.

I then thought about questions a career counselor would ask - what are your goals, what have you done to date, etc. I thought about what advice I would give myself if I was the counselor - not a ton of stuff, but four or five first steps to take. And then I stopped and figured that was enough.

It actually really helped me to focus. We often know what it is we should do - but being told to do it by someone else either motivates us or gives us "permission" to do it.

I think you are building up to do something wonderful, Doran. But you also have two kids and like you said are trying to build a house, too. That's a lot. Give yourself a pat on the back for what you have done lately - then pick one simple step to take toward the big goal.

Hugs!!!!

[Doran]

...
I then thought about questions a career counselor would ask - what are your goals, what have you done to date, etc. I thought about what advice I would give myself if I was the counselor - not a ton of stuff, but four or five first steps to take. And then I stopped and figured that was enough.

It actually really helped me to focus. We often know what it is we should do - but being told to do it by someone else either motivates us or gives us "permission" to do it.

I think you are building up to do something wonderful, Doran. But you also have two kids and like you said are trying to build a house, too. That's a lot. Give yourself a pat on the back for what you have done lately - then pick one simple step to take toward the big goal.

Hugs!!!!


Thanks for your kind words, Jennifer. A meaningful part of this journey for me is taking a hard, honest look at myself. (How I'd love to be able to ditch all the negatives I see and just soar right on past them!) I was doing exercises similar to this one (and more) last year this time as I worked my way through North Star. Simultaneously, I was also in session once every two weeks with a friend who was studying to be a career counselor. She needed a guinea pig for her "clinicals", and I was delighted to fill the need. It was a good and useful relationship, but after we moved, it just kind of stopped without completion. Still, it helped me some. I'm just too far removed from it now, so it's good to be reminded of specifics like that.

One simple step? Probably to get my resume up to date!!!! :001_huh:


Doran

[Doran]

...

[Pencil Pusher]

I do have a "sort of" goal - - but, it's a big one, and one I'm not sure I can realistically accomplish, at least right away. That may be why I'm struggling at this stage. My goal is to make enough money for dh and I to be able to comfortably pay the mortgage on a house we hope to build.

I had a goal to do pursue writing. An opportunity came along toward that end, and I took it. So, I feel good about that. But, I also had ideas about other ways to use my skills and knowledge. Things like teaching classes and consulting, or maybe freelance writing. I have to create whatever "it" is to turn those ideas into money making opportunities. And, I really thought I had that in me. But, here I am, a year later, and slipping backwards in terms of my desire, confidence, and my certainty that those original ideas are what I should be doing.

So, for me, the problem is that I have a goal in mind (and, perhaps the goal needs revising) -- to double my current income while continuing to maintain a sane level of time commitment so I can still homeschool -- but I'm not sure how to best get there or how to discern what are the next best steps for me.


Doran,

I hope it's okay--I've listed below the 4 goals I see that you've mentioned in your post above. You keep talking about A goal, but I think the problem is you've actually got at least 4.

1. My goal is to make enough money for dh and I to be able to comfortably pay the mortgage on a house we hope to build.

2. I had a goal to do pursue writing.

3. I also had ideas about other ways to use my skills and knowledge. Things like teaching classes and consulting, or maybe freelance writing.

4. I have to create whatever "it" is to turn those ideas into money making opportunities.

Now for a story. Once upon a time, I had to write a story. First in 1st g (I hated it & didn't finish), then in 3rd (I hated it but finished), & finally in 5th (the teacher actually taught us to write, & I loved it).

So I set a goal. In the summer between 5th & 6th g, I was going to publish my first novel. My dad tried to talk me into something more realistic, like say a short story in a magazine. I was undeterred, however.

Since you've obviously never heard of me, um, (right? ;)), I failed in that goal. I kept meaning to get around to it. Over the next few years, I worked on various things, but never finished anything.

Finally, the summer I was going to turn 25 (15 years after my first goal!), I panicked. I wasn't even young enough to be a prodigy anymore. I hadn't completed anything. I was totally depressed.

Then my dh pointed out that I was only 23, that on my birthday I'd only be 24. I felt like a year had been added to my life! It was wonderful! Like being cured of a life-threatening illness! Or at least like being told that they got your chart mixed up w someone else's & you were never sick to begin w/.

So I made a new goal. *This* book that I'd been working on for 5 years, I'd finish, by the time I turned 25 for the 2nd time. That gave me one year, one project to complete.

And I did! On the night of my birthday, I finished. Now, I'm pretty sure the book is awful, but I finished. Even dh said it counted, & he thinks a file has to be at least 300pp to count as a *real* book.

It was the first time I'd accomplished a goal. Over the next few years, I got busy. I finished my MA, had baby #2, started teaching, we bought our first house. I didn't write much.

And one day it hit me again: so I finished one book--what now? I haven't hardly tried to get it published (fwiw, dh said he'd do that if I'd write it, & once I finished, he claimed to know nothing about the process). I hadn't written much since then.

I made a goal of submitting one writing sample to one contest every month. But I didn't do it. Sometimes there were fees involved, sometimes I couldn't address the particular topic. I missed deadlines, & the po returned one to me for no reason. I was a failure again.

Until I realized that 30 was getting close. My dad died, & I saw that he'd accomplished hardly anything with his life, though, he, too, at one time had wanted to be a writer. (And w/ that many commas in a row, you're starting to figure out *why* I haven't published anything, lol.)

I made a new goal: to get something published before I turned 30. Or at least a contract on something. That was a couple of years off at the time. Within months, I got a contract on a short story for a kids' anthology of biographies for a hs co. I'd made it! Technically. Except...I really meant a novel.

So I did what I always do. I kind-of worked on stuff. But as the deadline approaches, I get panicky, & I work harder. The trilogy I'm working on now has real potential, I think. I've finished the rough draft of all 3 books. All I really have to do now is polish the 1st one, send it off, & get someone to say WOW. I'll be 29 in July. I figure I can finish it at least by then. But after that? My goal's not writing for the following year--it's getting published. It's *seriously* sending that one book to *real* people.
____________________________

So, the moral of the story is to break your goals down into bite-size chunks. I don't think it sounds like making the $ to pay for the house is your primary goal. You've said you could do that w some other job. You want to do it w/...? Writing? You listed several things there.

For argument's sake, let's say it's writing. In that case, $ is just a measure of success. Your *ultimate* goal may be to make a certain amt of $ writing, but you need to break that down. How do you reach that?

Do you want to write articles for hs magazines (for ex.)? Then make a goal of writing one article a month for 6 months. Then alternate between submitting articles & writing them for 6 mos. Aim to have *one* article published by the end of the year. (Hm. *I* want to do this. This sounds like good advice. Note to self....)

Whatever it is you want to do, break it down into smaller pieces, the same as the house-cleaning gurus say to do. My sis once offered to email me writing "assignments" to aid in the above goal of magazine publishing. (I've gotten more realistic since I was 10, lol.) That would have been SO helpful. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting for #1.:glare:

Don't know if I've helped, but dh is wandering around the house waiting for me to come play drink-some-coffee-and-read-a-book w/ him. So gotta go.:001_smile: GL!

[Doran]

Doran,

I hope it's okay--I've listed below the 4 goals I see that you've mentioned in your post above. You keep talking about A goal, but I think the problem is you've actually got at least 4.

1. My goal is to make enough money for dh and I to be able to comfortably pay the mortgage on a house we hope to build.

2. I had a goal to pursue writing. (Edit: pardon me...but I had to correct the typo there! :D)

3. I also had ideas about other ways to use my skills and knowledge. Things like teaching classes and consulting, or maybe freelance writing.

4. I have to create whatever "it" is to turn those ideas into money making opportunities.

[snip]


Whatever it is you want to do, break it down into smaller pieces, the same as the house-cleaning gurus say to do. My sis once offered to email me writing "assignments" to aid in the above goal of magazine publishing. (I've gotten more realistic since I was 10, lol.) That would have been SO helpful. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting for #1.:glare:

Don't know if I've helped, but dh is wandering around the house waiting for me to come play drink-some-coffee-and-read-a-book w/ him. So gotta go.:001_smile: GL!


Aubrey -- how charming and instructive you are, all at the same time! Thank you for taking so much time for me. And, a hearty congratulations to you for all that you've done!!

You are right that I've got more going on that just the one "overarching" goal. More like a goal with many sub-goals, because they are related. Yes, making a specific contribution to our family income is "a goal", perhaps the primary one, but I'm hoping to hang onto bits and pieces of the other ideas in order to get there. So, maybe it's better to call some goals and some ideas...or visions...or some other fancy term that writers might come up with!

Gotta admit, I hear this stuff all the time -- the concept of breaking a project or problem into smaller, more manageable pieces -- and yet when it come to applying it, I'm a mess. It looks so simple here on virtual paper, but putting it into action is another matter altogether. I'll give some careful thought to your recommendations, as well as Mrs. H's and Jennifer's. Picking up my journal this morning was a mini-step. I've been letting that slide terribly, which feels like I'm dropping the most basic of all my practices. Maybe all the busting forth of spring will be infectious! I still think getting that resume (or a c.v.) together is important. Perhaps opportunity is waiting to knock until I've got that piece of paper in hand. Okay, I'm not really that dreamy! LOL!!

Thank you for your thoughts.

Doran

[Pencil Pusher]

Sorry that came out so long!:blush: And, honestly, I didn't notice the typo, or I'd've fixed it for ya.

Can you list your goals, like in a chronological order? I mean, I put appearing on Oprah waaaaaaaaay down the line.;)

That way, you're only facing ONE goal. Like the res. How about taking H's advice, & posting it here? I mean, w/ pertinent info voided, of course. Kind-of like the culling threads--hey! I just cleaned out my fridge/ closet/ etc.

Betcha could have your res ready to go by tomorrow night! I dare you! (How about that?)

[Carol in Cal.]

I would not just order your goals. I would prioritize them.

What do you need to do most? Make money? Or write the great American novel? Will making money from your writing spoil it or complete it? Is it really the goal? I ask this because I think that it is much easier to make money from writing if you switch away from creative writing. Articles or technical writing are probably faster routes to fortune.

Only you know what you really want. Focus, focus, focus...