Husband's Jealousy (no, not what you think)

[rockermom]

My dh and my nephew are the same age (29) and both have 6 yo sons. My husband can't stand my nephew or his son. He claims it is because my nephew doesn't discipline his disrespectful children (which is true, even though I love them dearly, I cringe when I see the kids coming). There is an intense rivalry there.

Ex.

Nephew: "S is doing this."

DH: "Well, T is doing this and that."

or

Nephew: "S did so well on whatever, we bought him X."

DH: "We were gonna buy T one of those, but he said they were for babies."

Saturday, they both went to the baseball field (where my nephew coaches his son's team) with the boys to practice. Both boys play, but T lives with his mom in a nearby town so DH isn't able to coach his team. I can't get a straight story as to what happened, but everyone came back in a huff except my nephew (who seemed perplexed about the situation). I got put in the middle and it made things awkward with me and some family members for our family Easter gathering.

DH won't tell my nephew half the stuff I have to hear about and I feel that my DH is being childish. It seems that he is jealous of the time my nephew spends with his son while DH misses out on that time with T. We also don't make enough money to buy the kinds of things my nephew gives his kids. (DH seemed upset that my nephew gave his son both a customized laptop and a new bike for his birthday.)

My nephew has always been more like a brother to me and I feel trapped in a childish rivalry that I'm not even sure my nephew is aware of. I have another nephew who is just as close to me, if not closer, and dh doesn't act the same way toward him (although he does compare the kids, just not as much).

I come from a very close family and maybe I'm overreacting, but it's got my stomach in knots. What can I do, if anything, to help resolve the situation?

[PariSarah]

Tell him how much you value him and respect him as a husband. Tell him what a great father he is. Tell him how lucky his kids are to have him.

And then tell him what an @ss he's being.

If you can't do it in words, print out what you've written here.

Unless your nephew is deliberately provoking this (in which case I think you owe it to your dh to tell your nephew what an @ss he's being), your dh should be told that he has all the cards in your eyes, that he can't possibly lose your good opinion by failing to by your kids a laptop (for gosh sakes), and that you need him to be man enough to recognize that you already think he's man enough.

[rockermom]

Thank you, PariSarah. I do think this all boils down to insecurity. I don't see that my nephew has provoked anything. He genuinely likes my dh. I'll see if I can reassure him.

[PariSarah]

. . . I'm working on three hours' sleep, and am in a very grumpy mood, so my head might not be on correctly. My dh has learned to put up with me in these moods, but your dh hasn't.

So I just wanted to offer another angle if you're afraid that grumpy-sarah-blunt isn't the way to go with your dh. You could always go the "what am I doing wrong?" route after the "you're a great hubby" bit, instead of the "you're being an @ss" route.

As in, after telling him what a great hubby, provider, father, all-around fab guy he's being, ask him why he feels the need to compete with your nephew. "Am I saying things that make you feel like I respect him more than you? Is there any way I can be making it clearer how much [I]more important you are to me than he is? I mean, I want to feel free to show my cousin how much I love him, but I also don't want you to feel threatened by that. B/c, you know, there's just. no. need. But how can I be better about making sure you feel that?" Put it on yourself rather than on him.

Normally, I have no patience with the male ego. But some are tenderer than others, and if your dh's is particularly raw, a little massage therapy might be in order.

Good luck, and I hope everything goes smoothly!

[Mrs. H.]

Also, consider that your dh may be feeling guilty or insecure not about the opinion you have of him, but of the time he's not getting to spend with his son. Men have an internal sense of the dad they want to be, how they should be spending time with their children, etc. If that gets disrupted (by divorce, long work hours, illness) it can set them off into a bad mood that gets taken out on others, like you and your nephew. He might just be feeling guilty that he can't buy his son those things, or coach his team because of the current situation.

Take time to point out how happy your dh's son is when he's spending time with his Dad, how great it is that he teaches him things, etc. Focus on some positive fatherly attribute first, then gently (when you're alone) see if you can get him to come clean about his feelings about the nephew.

[WTMindy]

you dh just sound like he is being immature on this one. I'm sure there are many tricky dynamics that we can't understand, but he needs to see that he is being silly. As for the buying stuff, he shouldn't be jealous of that one. Stuff doesn't equal good fathering. Often the better parent refuses to buy lots of stuff for their kid so they don't spoil them.

I can see why he might be jealous of the time spent, but that can't really be helped unless he wants to move closer or make the commute to spend the time.

I'm sorry you are put in the middle, but I would just tell your dh that you are *not* getting in the middle. Make sure he knows that you love and support him, but won't tolerate the competitiveness.

[rockermom]

I'm positive that his insecurity is purely based on the fathering aspect. He wants to be the super dad to both of his boys, and he tries really hard. He is a wonderful father. His ex won't allow him to see T more than the court documents dictate (12 hours every other Saturday). We used to live a mile from him and we weren't allowed to talk to or see him except during those hours.

[WTMindy]

I'm positive that his insecurity is purely based on the fathering aspect. He wants to be the super dad to both of his boys, and he tries really hard. He is a wonderful father. His ex won't allow him to see T more than the court documents dictate (12 hours every other Saturday). We used to live a mile from him and we weren't allowed to talk to or see him except during those hours.

He only gets 12 hours every other Saturday?!? That seem ridiculous to me. Can he petition for more? You mean to tell me that a Dad *wants* to spend more time with his son and the courts (not to mention the mother) doesn't want that? That is strange!!

[rockermom]

He was young and had a bad attorney. She lied and said she was afraid for him to be with T. She likes to hurt DH. She dragged me in recently when we said that we were going back to court to have more time with him. She said that we'd better not because she and DH were still married and he would be picked up for bigamy. (This is not true, we have the papers. It did, however, cause some stress while we made sure the papers had been filed properly... at first the courts couldn't locate the case.) DH has stopped communicating directly with her because each time he talks to her, she calls his mom and says he's trying to get back together with her. I know this is TMI, but the whole situation hurts all of us.

I need a hot bath and some chocolate. :tongue_smilie:

[WTMindy]

He was young and had a bad attorney. She lied and said she was afraid for him to be with T. She likes to hurt DH. She dragged me in recently when we said that we were going back to court to have more time with him. She said that we'd better not because she and DH were still married and he would be picked up for bigamy. (This is not true, we have the papers. It did, however, cause some stress while we made sure the papers had been filed properly... at first the courts couldn't locate the case.) DH has stopped communicating directly with her because each time he talks to her, she calls his mom and says he's trying to get back together with her. I know this is TMI, but the whole situation hurts all of us.

I need a hot bath and some chocolate. :tongue_smilie:

:grouphug:I'm sorry, that really stinks!! It sounds like he needs a good lawyer and let the lawyer fight with her and get some more time with his son!! No wonder he is jealous of the time.

[Beth in Central TX]

When you said that T lives with his mom in your first post, it threw up a red flag for me. I think this is more about your DH trying to prove to himself that he's a good father to T rather than competing against your nephew for bragging rights; that just happens to be the way your DH is validating himself. I think that if/when you all improve his visitation rights, then your DH will probably become less defensive around your nephew. Of course, I'm not a counselor, but I've been known to play one on TV...