How do you deal with a child with low self esteem.

[Rose in BC]

I think my 10 yr ds has a self esteem issue. He is over weight and short, compared to his tall, slim brother and sister. He often reads between the lines when people make comments i.e "you look full" he translates as "you're fat". He is also my child that tends to easily see what others do wrong but has more difficulty seeing his own contributions to conflict. He is very strong minded (aka stubborn) and sometimes seems over confident. I'm beginning to realize this might all be an indication of a lack of self-confidence.

How do I fix this? Anyone else deal with this?

Rose

[True Blue]

If its really self-esteem then I'd help him find something he's good at and experience success with it or personal fulfillment. He's still kind of young and part of this is maturity as well. Also, discover what his love language is and try to meet his love need. Lastly, get him into an exercise program or health program to maintain his weight while he grows. He doesn't need to know why. He just needs to move, move, move. Its likely he's overweight in part because he will grow tall eventually but until then he needs to atleast maintain his weight.

If you care about his self-esteem I'd make his weight/health/activity level high on your priority list for him. Overweight kids have very low-selfesteem and frequently have a hard time ever getting over it. I have a dd that has a low-metabolism and was a little overweight for years. I put her into a homeschool pe program and we talked a lot about health and nutrition - not weightloss. She exercises every day as do her skinny sibs. She's normal weight now. Had I not taken this route I know she'd be heading in the wrong direction now. And you don't want a heavy preteen/teen. Take steps now and you'll make a huge difference in his life.

[j.griff]

I jush wanned ta giv u a big hug. Idunhava anser or nuthin, i jus wanned ta hep u fel bitter. *hiccough*

[Remudamom]

Bless his sweet little heart. I have a terrible soft spot for "round" little fellas. (I can't even watch "The Greatest Game Ever Played" or "The Kid" without bawling).

My oldest ds was a tad round. He would grow a bit taller, then round out, then get taller, then round out again. He's tall now, but watches his roundness. His little bros are going to be tall and thin with no weight issues.

You just love that boy (which I know you do) and pick him up and squeeze him and swing him around in a bear hug. It might be oversimplefied, (sp?) but I think it works wonders.

[Hannah]

A related issue is your child's level of optimism. The Optimistic Child (http://www.amazon.com/Optimistic-Child-Safeguard-Depression-Resilience/dp/0060977094/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1206253197&sr=8-2) was recommended to me on the old boards a couple of months ago and it is a great read.

The book teaches methods of identifying negative thinking (which will also affect self esteem) and how to react to these.

[Rose in BC]

I do provide a healthy, balanced diet and exercise is talked about as important. I struggle with weight my whole life and in the last 18 months have lost a lot of weight through diet and exercise so I definitely model it. I also understand it. Some of it, I guess, is maturity and some of it is accepting who you are while following healthy principles.

He does move, a lot, playing hockey outside, enrolled in homeschool stuff but he just has such a darn efficient body, hanging on to all those calories (which I can definitely relate to).

The most interesting thing with this child is, he is me. In every way. And he's adopted, which always makes me chuckle. You know those 'pay back' comments our parents always threatened us with? Well this is that child.

I love him so much. He is such a blessing in so many ways. Thanks for the advice.

Rose

[JFS in IL]

is interested in and can do that none of your other kids (and local neighbor kids if possible) do. It can be a craft hobby, sort of martial art (which is good exercise too, btw),shooting off Estes rockets or flying model planes - anything that can be special to him. If you or spouse have to invest etc. time with him to participate, that can make it all the better.

[Rose in BC]

is interested in and can do that none of your other kids (and local neighbor kids if possible) do. It can be a craft hobby, sort of martial art (which is good exercise too, btw),shooting off Estes rockets or flying model planes - anything that can be special to him. If you or spouse have to invest etc. time with him to participate, that can make it all the better.

He is very bright, artistic/creative, etc. But, I will make an effort to play up these areas in his life.

Rose

[Anne]

I had this trouble with one of my dds - She was so bright and such a blessing to those around her, I failed to realize that SHE didn't see herself that way!! I wish I had realized that much earlier!

Anne

[Claire]

Our 17yo dd was like this at that age. If I had it to do over again, I would have done *much* more to get her weight under control. (She's fine now, but it took too long.) The weight issue is a huge self-esteem burden. The sooner you can get rid of it, the better. Our dd has a slow metabolism and what finally worked for her was two hours of tennis daily. Within a year she had slimmed up. So, my recommendation is to find a sport that is fun for your son and requires lots of running/strenuous exertion and encourage him to participate daily. In our case, the tennis also became a source of self-esteem because my dd picked it up quite quickly and became pretty good at it.

Also encourage any other interests that your son may be able to excel in. Dd also does very well with art, and that has helped her a lot.

We still deal with some of the remnants of poor self-esteem from the early years, but they are gradually fading. Those early impressions are *tough* to lose, but it can get better.

One thing I learned that I will pass on is that "telling" a child he/she is talented, good-looking, personable, nice, whatever does *not* help self-esteem. What really helps self-esteem is hard work and (hopefully) achievement as a result of the hard work. If I had it to do over again, I would praise and praise and praise effort and hard work and simply make a few positive comments about the actual achievements ("great match, honey") ("love that portrait"). Self-esteem comes from feeling good about something you have achieved, not from having other people tell you about it.

[Doran]

The whole self esteem issue is so complex. Some of his lack of confidence may come from the fact that he was adopted...you know, questioning his "value" if his mother gave him up. I'm not sure if his circumstances would lend themselves to those kinds of questions or not, but I'd have to guess that it's there in many adopted children, even when they are loved for every inch of themselves by the adoptive family.

Our second born has no weight problem, but she does have esteem issues. She struggles academically while her older sister excels. I've never heard our oldest call herself stupid, but the youngest? It's a regular occurrence, and it breaks my heart. She compares herself to her sibling despite all of my attempts to help her understand that people shine in different ways. Her standard is her big sister, and there is little I can do about that.

I also wanted to add that I know a family with three children, all birth children, two of whom are quite lean, and one (the middle one) who is round. The mother feeds them all the same way, and they all get the same amount of exercise. It's just the way the gene pool sorted itself out for this little girl. I tell you this in order to caution you to not inadvertently single him out for his size difference. If he is eating really healthy food, and exercising as you say he is, there may not be any real adjustments that can be made other than to continue to model the healthy habits you currently have (BTW, good for you!!) and to discuss with all of them the merits of finding out what works for their bodies as individuals.

With my daughter, I have tried to help her discover ways that she can feel good about herself apart from her sister. In this case, it's gymnastics and drama. These are things her academically gifted sister has little interest or particular talent in, and they have helped the youngest find some confidence that she can call her very own. I so agree with Claire -- praise can backfire. Here's an interesting article on the inverse power of praise (http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/) which may be worth considering at this juncture, though it's not directly related to the specifics you describe with your son.

I lack confidence in certain areas of my life, and wish I could change that with some simple formula. It's not so easy, and I have thought long and hard about how I came to be this way. I know women (and men) who seem to believe that nothing is beyond their reach. And, I marveled at kids in school who always seemed to be "the leaders", always attracting people to them. It's a lifelong process. You're wise to be thinking about this now - - he's a fortunate young man.

Doran

[nestof3]

It may be a low self-esteem issue, but I've seen the same sorts of behavior in one I would consider to actually have thought more highly of himself than he ought.

I agree that he needs to find something he enjoys that he is good at, but another good remedy is for the child to learn how to serve and benefit others. Many low self-esteem issues come from being too overly concerned with one's self and being too consumed with one's self. I think this is true of adults as well. When we are focused on work and helping others, are thoughts shift.

I would encourage you to help him with his weight while he is young. For children, most of the unnecessary calories come from fluid intake -- things like soda, sweet tea and juice. Some people's bodies just cannot afford to take in that many calories. My husband, who is very active, can drink juice all day long and never gain an ounce (he doesn't consume any white sugar), but I have to limit my intake of sweetened beverages because I am not as active as he is. Increase the muscle mass, and more calories will be burned. Sugar and simple carbs also send a message to the body to store fat.

While I am not advocating everyone must have a perfect body (mine is FAR from it), it has been well-documented that carrying too much weight leads to other health issues.

[Rose in BC]

As for the weight, I am a bit at a loss for what to do. When we adopted him he was four years old and extremely obese. He is not as obese as when we first brought him home. He is a strong willed child and lived in a home where he was allowed to do whatever he wanted. His foster mother said to me, on the day we arrived to get him, "he just opens the fridge and helps himself. What can I do?" (I was thinking to myself, close the fridge and say no.) Which is what we had to do when he came to our home. I had to actually say to him that the fridge was out of bounds unless he asked permission. They also ate a very unhealthy diet. When he first sat at our breakfast table, with a slice of homemade ww bread, he just stared at it like it was a foreign object. His teeth were rotten from baby bottle sydrome (where they allowed him to suck on a bottle with juice at night). I'm not bad mouthing them because I know they loved him very much they just made some funny choices.

So, we don't drink any juice or pop at our house. Water and skim milk. I grind my own flour, bake my own everything. We eat a low fat diet (because I do and everyone eats what I make). Honestly I don't know what else I could cut from his diet. And I do talk to him about metabolism and how some bodies just need less food. (Constrast this to my 11 yr ds who is skinny and eats like a horse.)

Exercise is one area we could increase. My boys play outside alot but he not as much as the older one. I'm not sure what he could do but I'll investigate. Soccer season starts soon and I will enroll him in that.

As for excessive, unwarranted praise. I totally agree. I am a realist parent. I'm not going off the deep end with praise just for the sake of praise. Thanks for those cautions though.

I also appreciate the comment about maybe it's not self esteem but too much thinking about himself. This thought has crossed my mind many times as a possibility. Although that would be just as difficult to deal with!!

Parenting is tough and each kids dynamics makes for never ending "thinking it through" situations.

Rose

[Claire]

Sounds as if you have a good handle on it. My dd was adopted also and came to us as an overweight toddler. Exercise was the real turning point for her weight. I thought she was getting enough with daily swimming but, after our experience with tennis, I would have to say that two hours a day of running did a lot more for her than two hours a day of swimming! (I have since read here that swimming cools off the body temp so fewer calories are burned even if a child is active in the water.)

Soccer would be great if you can get him enrolled. I do think it helps a lot to get that kind of exercise five days a week rather than just two or three days a week. It certainly made a difference for my dd!

[nestof3]

Well, you sound like you are providing him with a wonderful, nutritious diet! Just remember, genetics do play some part in it -- you can really only do your part. The boys and men in our family eat like horse and are stick thin. I am not so blessed in the gene department! My husband and eldest son are also very active, while I have to plan exercise time.

Do have a place you can take your children to rollerblade? Or riding bikes might be nice? Could he take a class to expend energy? I need to be much better about getting my children moving. Since they are thin, I confess I forget about this sometimes. They run around a lot and play, but I'm just not an athletic person, so I am not great at coming up with athletic things to do. My husband took the younger boys to the trails at a local park to ride bikes while our oldest ran his 13 miles. He is training to be a pacer for my brother's 100 mile race in May (he has to run the last 25 miles with him).

OOPS -- I just read your more recent post which says he is involved. Blasted genetics! They'll get you everytime. :confused:

You sound like you're doing a great job. And remember, some things just really take time. It does take time to undo what has already been done in his former family. Our oldest son is actually my stepson. My husband has had custody of him since before we married. He learned many bad habits at his former residence (like making his own root beer floats when he was 6 -- without permission, never had his teeth brushed and so on). It takes years sometimes to get them back on track.