serioius question

[j.griff]

as opposed to those of a "frivolous" nature. :D

I have been made aware in recent years, of cases of incest within my extended family :( It all happened a long time ago (that which I've been made aware of- there very well could be other instances that haven't been divulged), but I have no intentions of leaving any of my DC alone with any of my relatives siblings (and that covers a LOT of people).

A relative I speak to frequently (trying not to name names, just in case) projects personalities of those siblings onto my DC. Said relative "relates" to one of my DC specifically, and often talks about things happening with the kids as though said relative IS the specific DC. (hears the kids playing if we're on the phone, comments about what DC "x" is thinking- because that's what Said Relative (SR) would have been thinking as a child that age, in relation to DC "y" who corresponds with one of SR's siblings due to age similiarities). Ugh, I hope this is making sense.

ANYWAY, I need some objective perspective on an issue, that doesn't come from someone with a "polluted" background (someone who doesn't see other people when they are talking about issues with MY DC). DS has become more "interested" in the differences between his anatomy and that of his sisters. There have been a few incidences of "show me yours, I'll show you mine" and "I'll touch yours if you touch mine". I've never dealt with those issues before now, so I haven't "researched" them. This is my only DS, and I am an only child. I didn't want to overreact, so I just had a small talk after these occurrences, "it's not okay to touch other people's privates, and it's not okay for other people to touch yours" generic type thing. That's the best I could do "at the time". I want to address this and have dh address the issue with DS, but I'm not sure what to say. The acts are probably just normal childhood curiosity, but given my recently learned family history and the icky personality projections of SR that type of behavior is a bit of a "panick" trigger for me. I want to make sure there are definite boundaries in place regarding this curiosity, while at the same time not shaming any of the DC about it and thus causing them to have "big feelings" or "issues", KWIM?
Anyway, if you've read this far, THANK YOU!
Any book rec's? Any specific "talk" advice? I know these things vary from family to family, :) but any pointers would be MUCH MUCH MUCH appreciated.

[JenneinAZ]

I am confused but...

If you think there is a chance that your son was hurt in a incestuous way by these relatives then I think you need to find a counselor and get some more information. Your son might be trying to process the experience and having another adult to talk to could help.

Best wishes.

[Peek a Boo]

I think you're doing fine :)

How old is your ds? The Boy Scout books [each level --Tiger, Wolf, Bear, Webelos] has a specific section at the front that guides parents through age-appropriate personal safety awareness that i really like. If you know anyone in Scouts, see if you can borrow their's.

no worries from what I see!

[j.griff]

No no no! DS was absolutely not involved in any incident at all. I'm just saying that "normal" childhood behaviors are freaking me out a little bit, because of the family history (happened decades ago).
I'm asking for advice on how to handle these "normal" situations without causing harm, due to my own skewed perspective. (and no, I wasn't a victim of any such behavior either).

[j.griff]

Thanks Peek, DS is 6- he'll be 7 this July. I want to make sure that DS doesn't cross any personal boundaries that his younger sisters may not be able to enforce, KWIM? I want HIM to have a better understanding of things, without introducing any un-necessary info and in a way that doesn't "villify" his curiosity. His sisters are 4 and 2. I'll see if I can get my hands on some Scout Books

[gardenschooler]

It sounds like you're doing the right thing now. Just state it calmly, and don't overreact.

I would be careful to try to figure out how not to overreact, in light of what you've learned. I would also have a conversation w/each about how their bodies are private from others, too, and how they can come to you and tell you if they ever have a problem, despite anyone telling them otherwise.

Keep them close. I'm glad you've been made aware of the situation, but really, it sounds like you're handling it right to me.

[Brenda in FL]

That's really creepy what your said relative is saying - sounds like SR is one to avoid if possible - you don't need to be hearing those kinds of comments.

My kids are the same age range as yours. I agree that its all normal behavior, but if you are incluned and haven't already, now might be a good time to start some modesty boundaries.

By this I mean - no more shared bath time, encourage dressing in private (or girls in one room, boys in another), close the door when using the bathroom. etc. I hope that doesn't sound really prudish - in practice I was very laid back about all these (i.e. I didn't start yelling at them if they still walked naked in front of a sibling), I think it starts the kids thinking about keeping their privates private and being responsible for setting their own boundaries when it comes to their modesty.

I remember going through a stage at about the ages of your children where it seemed that I was repeating the keep your privates private mantra often - no longer necessary now, although I still do have that 5 yo who thinks bottoms and underpants are very funny!!

One other thing - One trip to the pediatrician with dd for what I thought might be a UTI, the nurse practioner told dd before she checked her out, that only Mommy and the doctor were allowed to check her bottom. I thought that was pretty well said, and I would say the same thing if she complained of an itch, etc.

I think its totally possibly to help our kids know proper boundaries without freaking themselves or ourselves out - and more importantly not making them feel ashamed of their bodies.

HTH - and I hope I did an adequate job expressing myself without sounding too unrealistic or prudish.

[*anj*]

I agree that you're already handling it well.
I would just continue to make it clear to ds that bodies are private and leave everyone to their own.

As for that relative, I think that if your mommy radar is up you should honor that. Sometimes we'll get a weird feeling about a person or situation and we can't put our finger on it but it doesn't feel right. In your case you're already aware of potential problems with this individual, so I'd just be sure to discourage much personal interaction between your dc and SR.

Oh, and when that creepy thing happens on the phone either lock yourself in the bathroom so that SR can't hear what your kids are doing or call yourself on your cell phone so that you have to go "take that call."

[finding_sanctuary]

I agree that you're already handling it well.
I would just continue to make it clear to ds that bodies are private and leave everyone to their own.

:iagree:

As for that relative, I think that if your mommy radar is up you should honor that.

Speaking as someone whose mother didn't listen to "mommy radar" (or didn't care, I'm still not sure which...) I will definitely second this. If the relative's comments and/or actions make you feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable, act on it. Distance yourself. Be sure your kids are never, ever left alone with SR. Most of all, be sure they know to always tell you if SR or ANY family member touches them inappropriately, even if the person who touched them threatened to hurt them/others if they told.

It sounds like you're handling this the right way, trying to establish "privates are private" boundaries without causing shame or later issues. Just make sure the boundaries are clear, and be sure that your kids are comfortable coming to you if something ever were to happen w/ SR or someone else. (I can't stress that enough...my own history showing through).

HTH!

[nestof3]

I have found this to be normal curiosity as well. I went through it with a little neighbor boy. My mom walked in and told us that was not proper and that was the end of that. I must have been around 7.

Our oldest (when he was in his mom's custody) was actually kicked out of the afterschool program because he and another boy did something like that. They told him he was not allowed to come back unless he had counseling. Good grief. His mom gave up custody then, because without the afterschool program, she couldn't take care of him.

They treated him like a freak after it.

People assume nowadays that if children act on that curiosity, that they must have been abused as a child. Sure, some have -- but I think it's gotten out of hand. We just tell our boys that only parents and doctors can see their private parts. No fiddling with others. Since my children really don't spend unsupervised time with other people aside from my parents, there isn't much of an issue.

[nestof3]

BTW -- Your relative sounds a little freaky. I'm not sure what to suggest in that case.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm sensitive to this too. I agree with Brenda in FL on the "modesty boundaries". I also make sure that my kids aren't in a room with a closed door together. Mainly because I can't hear when they start squabbling (which escalates to outright fights pretty quickly at times) but it keeps a level of transparency in our house that I think is helpful.

[pixelroper]

I feel for you- I'm going through the whole general thing with dd now. IMO as he is your ds you might get dh to do the bulk of the talks- I have no idea what your ds's relationship is with you, meaning who he is closer to; you or dh- my dd deals better with me & dh won't have anything to do with any subjects that fall into this realm but he has said if we have a boy he'll handle it.

As for the *projector* I'd probably ask "What exactly are you talking about?" This person has "issues."

[Rebecca in GA]

My Body is Private (http://www.amazon.com/Private-Albert-Whitman-Prairie-Books/dp/0807553190/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1206188636&sr=8-1) and The Right Touch (http://www.amazon.com/Right-Touch-Read-Aloud-Prevent-Collection/dp/0935699104/ref=pd_sim_b_img_2) are two books I'd recommend on the subject.

We always have used the "any place that your swimsuit covers is private" guideline with three rules: you don't touch their privates, they don't touch your privates and you don't touch your own privates in front of anyone.

[Chris in VA]

I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. I think you are handling this just fine, but I agree with the poster who said no more baths together, close doors, etc. Time to start setting boundaries during private times.

On your relative noticing similarities--I think I can relate to that. We often say how one of our sons is like my husband, and the other more like me. We also see dh's siblings are like some of our kids. But it's not to the extent that SR keeps commenting. Was this relative involved in the incest? Does this relative even know about the incest? If there was involvement, I think I'd supervise interactions very, very carefully, just like you are.

Kinda icky, isn't it? Have you considered talking it out with a counselor? Even three or four meetings might help you process what sounds pretty hard to take.
(and that's spoken as one who has had her fair share of meetings)

[cricket1178]

You've gotten lots of great advice already, and I think you are doing a fine job of handling this situation. These kinds of things are difficult.

I most definitely agree with the "mommy radar" advice. It is there for a reason; don't think you're being paranoid. These are YOUR children. In my opinion, you can't be too protective in situations that have the potential to be devastating events in a child's life.

The only other thing I'd add is that it couldn't hurt for you to talk to a counselor for their input. It may give you greater insight and peace of mind.

[j.griff]

Thank you all for your input, it's very helpful. I adjusted our body boundaries situation after the first "incident" with DC. The three Littles used to sleep in the same bed- it didn't bother me at all, and they liked not being alone at night. Then the first incident happened after bed time.
I promptly switched everyone back to sleeping in their own beds after that. I had already stopped bathing DS with DD, because he's just too long legged, LOL. DD's sometimes take baths together- but I can't stand it because when I'm washing their hair it's much harder if they are together (one distracting the other, splashing, etc). I definitely need to start working on the clothing boundaries. They frequently run around in their underwear, but since DS is growing so fast I can definitely start requiring clothes, LOL.