Concerning divorce -- how do you/when do you..?

[Doran]

Obviously, the kids have to know that things falling apart. But, how and when do you explain the "reasons" to them, assuming the reasons are indelicate and may be a burden they are not old enough to carry.

I am thinking of a friend who is in this situation now. Her husband has decided that he no longer wishes to remain monogamous. It's really a very twisted story, imho, which has to do with s*xual dysfunction/addiction on his part. Their children are 17, 13, 11, and 6. The oldest is piecing things together, connecting the dots as might be expected at her age. But, her mother has never divulged what she really knows. About how it's not affairs, but more encounters. About how long it has been going on.

The other three children have been told almost nothing, save that Dad no longer wants to be committed to one person, doesn't want to be married anymore. But gradually, they, too are learning things that maybe their parents would prefer that they not know.

How does this mother manage to protect her kids from the burden of too much knowledge but not watch them discover by accident information that will then, most likely, seem all the more painful. FWIW, they are all in counseling, I think. Well, I'm not sure about the youngest two, but the oldest two are, as well as the mother.

I'm so sad they're in this situation...it hurts my heart for them.

Doran

[Whisperlily]

Oh, how heartbreaking.

I don't know if you really can shelter them. I'm sure Mom will do what she can, but even if she did things *perfectly* their Father will likely have visitation rights. If he's not protecting them and their childhood from his actions, they're going to know about things they shouldn't.

It may just be a case of damage control. Talking about temptaion and poor choices, not respecting the commitment of marriage in general terms may suffice without getting into too many details. Young children may accept the explanation that Dad's looking for love elsewhere/dating rather than needing to understand the depth. It'll be devastating enough with general details, I'm sure.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I would also add that I think the best thing the mom can do is to *not* bad mouth the father. No matter what, she should not say bad things about him. They will, in the long run, respect her more for that.
I am sorry for your friend's situation. How difficult for her and her children.

[K&Rs Mom]

I don't have a good answer, but a cautionary tale...
I was only about 3 when my parents divorced, and through most of my childhood I was consistently told something like, "sometimes things just don't work out" and reassured that it was nobody's fault. Flash forward 20+ years, and I find out, through my dh, who heard from his parents, that my dad had cheated. I asked my mom, and she finally told me the whole story. For me, it was like it had just happened, and even worse because apparently the whole world knew except for me. Now at 30, I'm finally dealing with it, but finding out later made this so much harder than if I had been told something more truthful all along (though I admit it's hard to explain infidelity in age-appropriate ways). I was really terrible to my mom when I was a teenager, and I think if I had known her side of things I would have cut her more slack. Those are years she & I can't get back. I don't know how she managed to refrain from saying mean things about my dad, and I do admire her for that, but to some degree I feel like I was lied to all along.

[Mrs. H.]

I was only about 3 when my parents divorced, and through most of my childhood I was consistently told something like, "sometimes things just don't work out" and reassured that it was nobody's fault. Flash forward 20+ years, and I find out...

This is so me. My mom left my dad when I was 15, and I found out when I was about 21 that she had been having an affair with my stepfather, that it wasn't her first affair (their marriage was on again/off again throughout my childhood), and that my dad was more than willing to reconcile, forgive, and work it out, but my mom wanted to leave. I was devastated, and harbored a lot of resentment and anger towards my mom for a long time. It was just like it had just happened. I think if I had known about it right after they were divorced, I could have been over it all at once, instead of receiving the information piecemeal.

However, in your friend's case, with several children too young to know the truth, I would also be at a loss for what to do. I would, however, focus on this being an addiction problem with the Dad, not bashing him, but also not excusing his behavior, and making sure the children knew it had nothing to do with them at all, and that they needed to pray for Dad (if they are religious), etc.

[Doran]

Wondering what our friend SolaMichela would have to say. And, perhaps Mama Bear. So, this is also a bump.

But, thank you for your thoughts on this. I found them helpful, and would add that to the best of my knowledge my friend is working very hard to not bash her husband -- despite the fact that she *could*...quite literally. :boxing_smiley:


Doran

[Remudamom]

I don't have a good answer, but a cautionary tale...
I was only about 3 when my parents divorced, and through most of my childhood I was consistently told something like, "sometimes things just don't work out" and reassured that it was nobody's fault. Flash forward 20+ years, and I find out, through my dh, who heard from his parents, that my dad had cheated. I asked my mom, and she finally told me the whole story. For me, it was like it had just happened, and even worse because apparently the whole world knew except for me. Now at 30, I'm finally dealing with it, but finding out later made this so much harder than if I had been told something more truthful all along (though I admit it's hard to explain infidelity in age-appropriate ways). I was really terrible to my mom when I was a teenager, and I think if I had known her side of things I would have cut her more slack. Those are years she & I can't get back. I don't know how she managed to refrain from saying mean things about my dad, and I do admire her for that, but to some degree I feel like I was lied to all along.\

I feel for you. I knew my dad was cheating on my mom from the time I was nine. They wouldn't tell me but I knew. They divorced when I was thirty two. It was bad growing up with them denying it and it was bad again when I was grown. I guess they were just trying to protect us.