Adult children of divorce - delayed reaction?

[Laura Corin]

My father was married to my mother for almost twenty years; I have two older brothers. He then left her (over thirty years ago) for my stepmother and had two further daughters. I was eleven at the time of the split; my brother N was sixteen and S was eighteen. Apart from the two wives, everyone remained on fairly cordial terms.

Two years ago, my father died. During the preceding few months, all the children rallied round to help during his final illness, and I became closer to my stepmother. The funeral was politically very sticky (both wives present) but we all survived without words being openly said. It emerged after his death that nothing had been left in his will to my brothers and me or any of the grandchildren, apart from keepsakes that my stepmother picked out for us. She gets his pension and whatever capital he had (not vast amounts, but definitely something).

As far as I'm concerned, this is water under the bridge - none of the children actually needs the money, and it's her choice to spend it as she wishes (world travel). I would have liked to have picked out my own keepsake, but so be it.

My brother N, however, has had a bad reaction to the whole thing. It's as if our father's death has allowed him to express resentment and anger that he never displayed at the time of the divorce. He is aware that his reaction to the will is exaggerated, but feels that his life would have been much better if my stepmother had never come along, and now she is spending 'his' money. I had never thought about the effect of the divorce on him, but looking back he pretty much dropped out of education, never got a degree and ended up in a job that gives him a decent wage but which is not very fulfilling. He is having a difficult time being civil to my stepmother, whilst she is trying hard to keep the relationships between the two sides of the family going.

Anyway. If you've stuck with me this long, I was just wondering if this kind of reaction is common and what I can do to help him.

Many thanks

Laura

[susie in tx]

I dunno, Laura. Men grieve in very different ways than women. It sounds like he is grieving your father. But, he's grieving the father he never had, the father he wished he had, et al. I've done some web searching on grieving and men and came to the conclusion that they just grieve differently and we can only support them the best that we know how.

[Scarlett]

Anyway. If you've stuck with me this long, I was just wondering if this kind of reaction is common and what I can do to help him.

Many thanks

Laura

Blended families are hard, but extra hard when betrayal and adultery are in the mix. Even 30 years later as your story demonstrates. Sometimes adult children hold on to an idea that something specific will eventually happen and 'prove' the parent loves them afterall. I know in my case, my father was almost 100% absent financially and physically, but I had it in my head that he would show up for my wedding. My mom sat me down and told me as kindly as possible that it was highly unlikely he would show up. I was shocked at how disappointed I was. It could be the same for your brother. He may have felt abandoned and unloved by your father all these years but was thinking (subconsciously I'm sure) well, when he dies and leaves me something in his will I will know for sure he loves me.

The fact is your brother's life probably would have been better if your step-mother and your father had not betrayed the family in that way. That is not to say your brothers or you would be inheriting money at this point...because after all it is traditional that the surviving spouse keeps the money until their death. But if the spouse had been your mother you would all feel pretty confident the money would eventually be yours. I digress though because I doubt this is about money at all.

It is indeed delayed grief. And I'm sorry for you and your family. I think all you can do is hug your brother and tell him you are sorry. Don't defend your father and step-mother over much because honestly I think it is terrible the way the will and keepsakes was handled. Your dad should have mentioned you 3 in his will..

In my family, my mom and step dad (who was widowed before he married my mom) each have 2 children. They have agreed and told all of us kids that when one of them dies the other keeps everything. When the second one dies, whatever money is left is divided evenly between us 4 kids. Now I know that the surviving one COULD change the will and leave their step children nothing. However, in the unlikely event that happens, I at least know that my mom wanted me to have something. That would mean all the difference to me.

[Unicorn]

My parents were married for 32 yrs when they divorced. I am so glad (and I know it is selfish, but...) that neither remarried. I think I would somehow feel like your brother. Kinda of like, "I'm his kid so I'm entitled to more than you, or I have more rights than you because I'm blood." Something to that effect anyway.

On the other hand, the non-emotional, logical side has to see it the other way. Ask your brother if he would feel the same way if your father had still been married to your mother when he died, and he had left her everything. Stepmom was his wife, his partner in life. She is just as much entitled to it as all of you.

I know it is hard to deal with. In the end, I think the only thing that matters is the relationships we have w/ people we love. The other stuff is just stuff.

I hope all that made sense, sometimes I don't say it the way I really want to.

((( )))

[Remudamom]

It's hard. My parents divorced after 35 years and dad married the reason they divorced. She's my age. She's fun and sucks up to me and mine big time. I'd like to hate her but I don't, makes me feel disloyal to mom.

[tess in the burbs]

my parents were married for 23 years. My mom remarried very quickly but dad dated awhile. when he did remarry I was in my own life and didn't think much about her...

but we have had a few blowouts. she never had children. her first marriage was to a much older man and she was 'stepmom' to kids almost her own age. she is estranged from them now...

I know dad has set his will up to care for her after his death with something for each of us daughters. there are things in the house I would want of my father's but I don't ever expect to get them. my sis feels the same way. she would never let us pick things to have. so I guess she and I are 'getting over it' now, lol.

Obviously the divorce affected your brother's life in a profound way. and his behavior should have no bearing on the rest of the kids in the situation. your father was just doing the right thing by taking care of his new wife. not leaving anything to others is interesting as you would expect something, but then again, I never thought my dad would put so much into his second wife either. It's been made clear she will inherit everything with just a little tidbit for my sis and I.

Your brother has issues to work out.....many prayers he can get past this. In our family my sister was most affected by the divorce and spent years in and out of jail and rehab. you never know how people will react. we are only a year apart and I turned out ok....so everyone deals with divorce differently.

[HomeOnTheRanch]

No advice, just understanding.

We were already married when dh's parents split. His step-mom is 5-10 years younger than his dad. DH grieved when his parents split. Although he has ok relationships with both steps, he knows that he can expect nothing when his dad dies. He did grumble to me once how step-mom was squandered his inheritance, but I set him straight. His dad made the decision to marry her and now what is his is hers. He knows that and has accepted it. Several "keepsakes" that he would have liked to have had someday are already living at his step-sibs houses. They wanted, she gave, and dh realizes it is not a big deal in the big scheme of things and chooses to remain civil instead of throwing a fit.

His mom (who recently inherited big bucks from her dad) has already made it be known that dh and bil get everything of hers. Her husband gets nothing (and he had his own coming into the marriage that will all go to just his kids when he dies, it was a mutual thing). MIL has already passed on many (too many, imo) keepsakes to us. DH is not really planning on getting anything else. If she lives a long, happy life and uses her $$$ to travel the world, that's fine. If she happens to leave some to him/our kids, that's fine also.

I don't think it is uncommon for grown kids to be bitter about such things. I agree that it would have been nice if you (or your dad) could have picked out the keepsakes.

No matter what the "experts" say, divorce does affect kids. Whether they are 3 or 30. It just wasn't the way marriage/life was designed.
:grouphug:

[Old Dominion Heather]

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (http://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161/ref=pd_bbs_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1196932637&sr=1-2)

I think is was the best (but most depressing) one I have read on the topic. The author follow children of divorce for thirty years to see what the outcomes would be. It is fascinating.

[6packofun]

His dad was a dope for not including his own children, who have been (I assume) a loving part of his life for longer than a second wife he was committing adultery with before they married. Bad form, poor planning and pooh on him.

Sorry if that hurts, but I don't blame your brother for that reaction at all. It will feel like one last snub that dad got in, meant hurtfully or not, before he died, which is painful enough!

My dh's father did essentially the same thing, although he was not involved with dh's stepmom until after divorced. Dh's dad had a verbal agreement, supposedly, with stepmom for her to "take care of" dh in the event of his death but did nothing legal about it. So, when he died while dh was 18 and in college, dh got to go home, help bury his father and then got sent back to school with nothing. Stepmom met someone within a year, promptly sold dh's family home to her own parents at a great price and used the rest of dh's dad's money to start a business and launch into a new life. None of this was done intentionally to be devious, btw. She was kind to my dh all his life but simply gave him nothing and did not help him when he was grieving or needed to be able to continue college.

Yeah, it hurts and it still angers him (and me, if ya wanna know, because we were friends when it happened). I would NOT try to talk your brother out of his feelings--not saying that was your plan!--but just be as understanding as you can be. It really isn't about the money...it's about a legacy of not taking care of family that dad is leaving behind, in his mind, I think. One last slap and it will sting. :crying:

[Scarlett]

It really isn't about the money...it's about a legacy of not taking care of family that dad is leaving behind, in his mind, I think. One last slap and it will sting. :crying:

ITA. I so worry about this with my MIL. She has quite a lot of money and I worry that she will disinherit one or all of her 3 sons which will be such a blow. Not because of the money. My own dh and one of his brothers are very self-sufficient and we don't plan on getting her money. But if she really does cut any of them out of the will (like she threatens whenever something doesn't go her way), I know they will just be crushed from that final 'slap'.

[Doran]

...not because I think I'm offering bad advice, but because I don't feel that it's entirely my advice to give. Pam SFSOM recommended a book to me, for a friend, called "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce", which I know Pam has read several times. I borrowed it from the library, loaned it to my friend, and have not read much of it personally. But, from what I gleaned in the introductory pages, this book might be very helpful to you and your brother(s). I'm sure Pam could tell you in greater detail why it is a book worthy of more than one read -- if you'd like to PM her about it.

I do understand both your brother's and your reactions. It's tricky stuff, to say the least.

Doran

[Jenny in Atl]

I think his reaction is normal. My husband is a child of divorce and mixed families (both parents remarried). He resented both his new stepfather and stepmother. I think the stepfather more, since he lived with his mom and the "new" dad. She was very vindictive after the divorce and tried to push this new dad on my husband.

Anyway, fast forward a number of years. Allen's mother died of lung cancer about four years ago. There was no will and nothing was passed down to him from his mom, not even a few photos. Then his step dad died in a motorcycle accident a couple years ago, and only then did his half sister allow us a few odds and ends left in the house.

The point is, we (more important) Allen did not care about $ or stuff, but about how he was treated. The pain I'm sure he felt all those years ago and the continued resentment on both sides. Divorce is, what, only behind death or a child and death of a partner, in the stress charts. I think it's rare someone lives through it with out a few scares.

[Colleen in NS]

It's as if our father's death has allowed him to express resentment and anger that he never displayed at the time of the divorce. He is aware that his reaction to the will is exaggerated, but feels that his life would have been much better if my stepmother had never come along, and now she is spending 'his' money. I had never thought about the effect of the divorce on him, but looking back he pretty much dropped out of education, never got a degree and ended up in a job that gives him a decent wage but which is not very fulfilling. He is having a difficult time being civil to my stepmother, whilst she is trying hard to keep the relationships between the two sides of the family going.

Anyway. If you've stuck with me this long, I was just wondering if this kind of reaction is common and what I can do to help him.

Been through similar situations here. I think it's a pretty common reaction. Everyone reacts to these things in different ways. With my sib who has reacted the worst, I've just listened and rehashed the past and how we each dealt with it. We've only done that once or twice, otherwise he just doesn't talk about it. I'm guessing he knows he could talk with the other sibs if he wants, cuz the rest of us are pretty open about it all.

[Doran]

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (http://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Legacy-Divorce-Landmark-Study/dp/0786886161/ref=pd_bbs_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1196932637&sr=1-2)

I think is was the best (but most depressing) one I have read on the topic. The author follow children of divorce for thirty years to see what the outcomes would be. It is fascinating.


I see that it comes highly recommended by more than one of "us". I'm looking forward to making time to read it.

Doran

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I see that it comes highly recommended by more than one of "us". I'm looking forward to making time to read it.

Doran

It was horrifying and painful to read. Made me cry -- and I'm not a child of divorce, nor is my husband, nor are my children.

I read it when my best friend was divorcing. She wouldn't even look at it, and certainly dismissed everything it said. Now, four years later, she looks back with deep regret for her children. There was no other option at the time for her, but it is all so so sad.

[Joanne]

It was horrifying and painful to read. Made me cry -- and I'm not a child of divorce, nor is my husband, nor are my children.

I read it when my best friend was divorcing. She wouldn't even look at it, and certainly dismissed everything it said. Now, four years later, she looks back with deep regret for her children. There was no other option at the time for her, but it is all so so sad.

I've had it in my possession since I asked my xh to move out. I have not been able to read it for similar reasons to your friend.

I was choosing between 2 bad options. I chose the best bad one; It would not have helped me to feel horrified.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I've had it in my possession since I asked my xh to move out. I have not been able to read it for similar reasons to your friend.

I was choosing between 2 bad options. I chose the best bad one; It would not have helped me to feel horrified.

{{{Joanne}}}

It also has wonderful advice about minimizing, if possible, the reactions of the children. What worked, what didn't, from the mouths of the affected children themselves, not from some well-meaning but clueless therapist who has no idea of which he speaks. It spoke of what they needed after the divorce.

If I were in your shoes, I'd probably have to choose your route as well. I did not, for one minute, blame my friend. I just loved her and listened to her and cared for her as best I could.

[T Baer]

feel up to talking to his Dad about his anger while he was alive and is now venting or deflecting upon your stepmom. Hopefully, when your brother is ready he will deal with these issues and move on.

[CookieMonster]

By tracking approximately 100 children as they forge their lives as adults, she has found that contrary to the popular belief that kids would bounce back after the initial pain of their parents' split, children of divorce often continue to suffer well into adulthood. Their pain plays out in their relationships, their work lives and their confidence about parenting themselves. Wallerstein argues that although the situation is dire, there is hope to be found at the end of good counseling and healing.

Many don't get good counseling. Many don't heal.

I had good and great counseling and healed - I thought. But, after marrying, I had to deal with deep insecurities. A part of me is still just so certain that no one could ever love me enough to actually stick around. My own mother didn't, so why would this man I'm married to? Oh, yeah, deep wounds. I deal with it and I'm fine. But, I have to keep the lies in check that swarm through my emotions and adle my brain.

:grouphug: to you Laura. So sorry to hear about your father. At least you can know now that your brother's reaction is normal. Here's to hoping your brother starts his road to healing.

[Mama Bear]

Anyway. If you've stuck with me this long, I was just wondering if this kind of reaction is common and what I can do to help him.

If you can get a hold of a copy of The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, you might find all kinds of good stuff in there. It's a now nearly 30 yr study of children of divorce, published at the 25 yr mark. It was a mind-blowing read for me. It seems to say that lots of the conventional wisdom re: divorce ain't necessarily so -- and that, indeed, this could well be a delayed reaction for your brother.

Interestingly, I haven't found much that I'd recommend for How to/what to do books for (adult) children of divorce. There's a plethora of "Pat, pat: you're okay, I'm okay, the only thing that's not okay is other people who aren't okay with how fabulously okay we are" books. Manic pabulum. If you're interested in something with a Christian orientation, Generation Ex is great. If he needs confirmation that he's not crazy, Between Two Worlds: the Inner Lives of Children of Divorce is very good. Both of these ring true because they're by adult children of divorce, but neither, IMO, has a "let's wallow in our pain" approach.

So sorry. It's quite clear from your post that your brother has a great resource in his family -- you in particular.

Blessings.

[Merry]

our dad told us that he has left everything to his present wife in his will with the understanding that she will in turn leave everything to us. He told us this about fifteen - twenty years ago and it bothers me still to think that he didn't bother to acknowledge us specifically. I think the best thing you can do for your brother is to just talk about it. Make him feel like he still has family that loves him. Doesn't sound like much but I think that what's bothering your brother is that he's been excluded.

[Mama Bear]

our dad told us that he has left everything to his present wife in his will with the understanding that she will in turn leave everything to us.


I think men in particular (some women, but perhaps less so) don't have a clue how hurtful this is to their kids from the "first family." Thing is, they need emotional support so much that they assume (sorta blindly) that the woman who "rescued" them and they feel so tenderly towards will have the same priorities for their kids as they do. And they often leave these kinds of things to the women in their lives regardless of marital/divorce status. The problem is, not being explicit about such things leaves the door wide open for more and more opportunities for pain and misunderstanding.

As agonizing as the Unexpected Legacy was to read, I often wonder if, were "we" to require this sort of reading as part of some sort of curriculum, society's baseline expectations wouldn't change dramatically. Perhaps "we" could even come to an understanding, much the way we all know what stop signs mean, that the self-indulgent cr@p which too often comprises divorce serves no one, especially not the kids involved and certainly not future generations.

[Carol in Cal.]

There are legal ways to provide for your new spouse while ENSURING that your estate ultimately goes to your children. People who don't ensure this should not be patting themselves on the back. They are relying on the future good will of unrelated second spouses. How much sense does that make?

[debbiec]

Laura, ugh! Divorce is so awful! And yes, the reactions are so delayed often. I don't even know if "delayed" is the correct term, but rather "long term." I don't know that any of us ever really got over the divorce of my parents.

I am the eldest of three. My parents divorced after 20+ years of marriage. Though it didn't really come as a surprise and under our young uninformed minds, we initally accepted the divorce. But, looking back ove the last 20 years, I can see how it has affected each of us terribly in very different ways, mostly in relationships. Back then, a lot was said, much of it unpleasant.

Fast forward to 2000. My father died unexpectedly while on the job. We three kids were all thrown together, with our mother and Dad's long term live in girlfriend. Messy ~ but civil. When things got really bad, was after after the funeral was over and the issue of estate was being faced.

Wow, cobwebs came out between us kids, between kids and mom, all relating to feelings about the initial divorce, their character, etc.....it was very, very ugly, and frankly, after 8 years, we have never fully recovered from it and probably never will.

Lessons learned ~ kids have a tendency to feel an "entitlement" to their parent's money and things. Not all the entitlement is wrong, after all, you sometimes are wanting to preserve history for your family, just wanting some memories. But, often, it becomes just plain territorial. The main thing I learned, was that my parents money and things are THEIRS to do with as they like. It was never mine to begin with and I should not feel angry or mad aboutt their choices (though I'm still mad about some family heirlooms:001_huh:). If their parents do things with their possessions, it's not the persons fault who is the receiever.

2nd ~ I know its not about money and stuff when it doesn't come your way. It's about the fact that you are hurt because it reflects something in the deceased in the way of lack of love (in your mind anyway). But, in truth it could be nothing more than just practical needs, who needs it vs, who doesn't. Be careful not to equate money and stuff with who the deceased loved more.

3rd ~ I heard this from an estate attorney, when you are older, inform your own family and children of the state of your will so misconceptions can be corrected. Too often, people make their wills and not share them, not wanting to face the family with their decisions because of possible disagreement or fallout ....DON"T do that to your kids and family. Be open, explain your will and reasons. Don't leave your family with a deceased loved one AND estate issues to be surprised about.

I'm on a tangent I think ~ I best stop. Bringing up too much junk.

I'm sorry for your husband ~ reading that book someone mentioned should be really good. All three of us kids have seen over the years what a huge toll our parents divorce has taken in our own relationships and marriages.

OK, I'm stopping ~ deep breath ~

[Stacy in NJ]

It sounds to me like he had anger at your father that he didn't get the chance to express, and he's doing it now. Sometimes with those amiable divorces the surface "I'm okay, you're okay" hides feelings of fear, betrayal and resentment.

[Scarlett]

There are legal ways to provide for your new spouse while ENSURING that your estate ultimately goes to your children. People who don't ensure this should not be patting themselves on the back. They are relying on the future good will of unrelated second spouses. How much sense does that make?

I don't see how. The second spouse has a very legitimate right to the estate. And probably need for as well as right. As I mentioned earlier, the fact that my parents have spoken frankly to us 4 kids about their plans gives us peace. My step-sister and I are co-executors....we have copies of the will. If our parents died together, everything they have is divided evenly between us 4 kids. If one of them preceeds the other in death (which is more likely), then the surviving spouse will leave the estate to us 4 kids. In fact, it is currently written up this way. However, anyone knows the surviving spouse could change the will and leave it all to orphaned cats if he/she chooses. I don't see how that could be prevented. I think Debbie has a great point about it being important to discuss this with people BEFORE death.

[Laura Corin]

It sounds to me like he had anger at your father that he didn't get the chance to express, and he's doing it now. Sometimes with those amiable divorces the surface "I'm okay, you're okay" hides feelings of fear, betrayal and resentment.

The divorce was excessively civilised. We owned a large house with a separate flat on the ground floor. When the 'other woman' came into the picture, she moved into the flat (separate entrance) and my father spent time with us and also with her.

Then she moved upstairs to look after us children, and my mother moved downstairs (this was my mother's choice - she was tired of doing all the work for the family while my father bestowed his favours elsewhere). Then my mother found a new partner, who moved in downstairs.

After that my father and the new woman (soon to be stepmother) moved out and bought a place a short walk away - we children visited them there. My mother's partner stayed around for a while then moved on. My brothers moved away and that just left my mother and me at home.

Through all that, all we children ever saw was reasonable behaviour. I did a lot of crying, but I really don't know how my brothers were reacting - the age gap was relatively large and we didn't talk that much.

Laura

[Danestress]

I don't see how. The second spouse has a very legitimate right to the estate. And probably need for as well as right.

With a testamentary trust that provides generously for the wife's needs during her life and then distributes any remainder according to his directions after her death. Easily enough done.

But I agree with you - the best thing would be if the father had communicated with the children what his plans were before his death. It would save them a shock and heartache after. Our relationship with our parents and their money can be a complicated one. While it's entirely theirs, not ours, and we have no right to expect one single penny of it, its only natural to expect that our parents will demonstrate love and concern throughout their lives and upon their deaths, and providing financially is one way they do that. Not the only way, but it sounds like Laura's brother feels cheated in more ways that one. Still, I don't think I have read about many divorces where the parents make such an effort to maintain relationships. I can't imagine being in the step-mother's shoes during some of those year - living in the building with the ex, taking care of teenage step children. That would be really hard, and she must be quite a patient person.

[Laura Corin]

Still, I don't think I have read about many divorces where the parents make such an effort to maintain relationships. I can't imagine being in the step-mother's shoes during some of those year - living in the building with the ex, taking care of teenage step children. That would be really hard, and she must be quite a patient person.

I wouldn't describe her as patient so much as extremely intelligent, and determined to make the situation work as well as possible. I have a lot of admiration for her, and am extremely impressed by how she raised my two half-sisters.

When she moved in and started looking after my brothers and me, she was around twenty-four or five, and my eldest brother was eighteen or nineteen. I can't imagine how hard that was.

Laura

[Stacy in NJ]

That sounds like a tough situations for all of you. My parents divorced as well. It was significantly less polite, but than they're not British ;-). It involved lots of screaming and breaking of dishes. To state the obvious, divorce leaves a permanent mark. I hope your brother can find a way to productive way to ease his anger.

[buddhabelly]

As another poster mentioned, it is possible to leave one's estate to a spouse for his/her use during his/her lifetime. In terms of real property, it is called a "life estate." If the testamentor is wealthy, sometimes the interest/dividends from investments are sufficient to provide for the spouse, and the principal can be left untouched. Then after the spouse's death, the estate can be divided between the offspring of the testamentor.

My father did not do this. And even as his health is declining, my stepmother is busy giving large "gifts" to her children and grandchildren. But that is really not her money to give. She came into the marriage with nothing. My dad trusts her to provide for us (his children and grandchildren), but I know she won't. And as long as I'm whining, what gets me more than anything else is that she continually whines about how taking care of my dad impinges on her carefree lifestyle. And I'm thinking, uh, what did you expect when you married a much older, wealthy man? I am not the least bit sorry for her.