Commitments vs. changes of heart/plan -- how do you decide what to do?

[Doran]

Question: When you make a commitment and then change plans last minute, how do you feel? Do you apologize? Do you feel it is your prerogative and that you owe no explanation or apology? I tend to have a great deal of concern for the other person, the one who will be impacted by my change of plan, so I often say more than is needed, and feel some angst at not sticking to my promise. I realize that's not always the healthiest way to live a life.

Here's the skinny: I have an arrangement with a very close friend to carpool our two dds to rowing practice Mon-Thur. I do Tue/Thu, she does Mon/Wed. Today, my friend called, on my cell phone and well into the day, to say that she was partaking in a music event (optional on her part, except that she has a strong commitment to the arts) and that my dd could either (a) stay in town with her after practice and come along, which would put her home after 9:00 pm or (b) find another way home from rowing practice. (As it happens, my friend was sick this Monday, so I shared the driving earlier this week w/ her husband.) She is generally VERY dependable, and I'm not such a stick in the mud that I can't roll with a change of plans. I also respect my friend's right to want to support this arts event. I'm just miffed that she didn't make one mention of this change of plan until hours before it was meant to happen. And, more than that, I'm amazed that there was never any inkling of concession for the fact that she was changing the plan last minute, that it might be inconvenient for me, nothing. She simply called and said, in so many words, "Here's what I'm doing. It's up to you now."

Some small part of me wishes I could be that way. Just make my plans and who cares what anyone else thinks. Another part of me thinks it is rude when people act in that way. My friend has more backbone than many people I know. But, in this case, I'm impressed by how that spine of hers feels prickly.

Admittedly, I'm feeling grumpy (evidenced by my "pitiful post" the other night). So, according to the laws of attraction, I guess I am bringing grumpiness into my life. Today's grumpable moment warrants some feedback, so that you folks can gently remind me if I'm being completely petty.

How would you have handled this if you were in HER shoes? Of course, my part is to forgive and forget...right? :confused:

Doran

[Carol in Cal.]

She should at least have apologized. And she should have talked with you about it much sooner. Maybe she didn't apologize because she was embarrassed not to have talked with you about it before. If she was like this all the time, I would not have as close a relationship with her.

[JudoMom]

Her first commitment is to you and your dd, and if she can't fulfill because of something else that came up that is more fun than carpooling, she should give you more notice. That kind of behavior makes me twitch http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/shocked032.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org).

But over here I'm praying that I might become more spontaneous, so maybe I shouldn't answer.

[PariSarah]

. . . but I've noticed something about people who are about to inconvenience you.

Or, no, back up.

I've noticed something about people. Maybe it's just the people I work with (and, well, me), but I've noticed this a lot.

People often seem to be mounting their defense before the conversation even begins. They start projecting an image that will forestall the first thing they imagine will come out of your mouth.

Example: you're on the Sunday School committee. You walk into church. You see a friend whom you were planning to ask to teach Sunday School next year. She suspects this, so as soon as she sees you, she starts projecting "frazzled"--not intentionally, just because she's feeling frazzled at the thought of teaching Sunday School next year.

She's there oozing her "frazzled" vibes while you're still shaking hands with four other friends (you're not hugging them, because it's not that kind of church, thank the Lord). By the time you get to her, you're already thinking how busy she must be. You say, "Hi, how's things?" and she answers, "Well, nuts, actually, but I think we'll get through it!" You already feel guilty about asking her, and you haven't even done it yet!! She's already begun her response to you--"I'm far too busy"--just by her body posture and her comments, even before you've asked her!

Or another example: You go to your thesis advisor's office for a scheduled meeting. She's fifteen minutes late, for no other reason than that she's [I]always fifteen minutes late. She knows you're waiting for her, so while she's still on the stairs, she starts walking faster and gathering her "Oh, today's been such a disaster!" air about her so that you will feel like she would NEVER stand you up without a Real Reason. You, on the other hand, are reading an Important Book in the hallway outside her door so that she can see what a Productive Person you are--she'll feel guilty for having wasted your time, while you get to say something gracious and benevolent like, "Oh, it wasn't a problem at all!", and you're hoping she won't call you on anything you've been procrastinating about.

You know what I'm saying?

So, I'm'a guessin' that she was just projecting like that. She wanted you to be okay with it, so she presented it like it was this totally okay thing. I don't think she meant anything by it--I don't think she was manipulative or trying to "play" you--I just think that's what we all do, without noticing.

Does that help, or does it make you more grumpy? :smash:

[cin]

When something like this comes up, my first words are a muttered (sort of like I'm thinking out loud, not really saying...) Man, I wish I had known sooner...or geez, now what am I going to do... Then I sort of stammer and stutter, and finally tell them my decision. (Can you tell I've been there before?) It usually gets the point across. Now though, I would probably ask her for a copy of her singing schedule. Or if this was a practice, ask her when her other practices are so you can make other arrangements. Take my advice with a grain of salt though, cause I've been there several times with a person, and have had to be pro-active.


I just read that you said HER shoes....I would said I have double booked myself, and was wondering if it is ok if your dd does this & such with us. Would you mind if I try to find her a ride home with (insert name of your choice here)? If she can't bring her home, I will. She is MY responsibility, since I drove her all the way out here, and I AM the one who messed up.

[j.griff]

(((((Doran)))))
That stinks, and I think that it IS rude. I can understand sudden circumstances, and I've been the one who had to (for spirtiual reasons, which also resulted in an ending of our friendship) cancel something important with a good friend rather last minute, I did apologize for it being last minute though- and I felt horrible about cancelling. BUT, I felt more strongly about following God's lead in that situation, and that meant NOT going to the "something".
Of course, that's a bit different. :) I'm sorry she ditched you with no warning and no apology. I'd probably say something like, "It would have been helpful if you'd told me earlier so that I would have KNOWN I needed to pick dd up today." But I wouldn't make a big deal about it.

[strider]

BUT since she is a close friend, and normally very dependable, I would probably shrug it off. I might, at most, casually mention that in future I'll need a little more notice of a change in plan.

Then I would go crab to dh about it and drown my irritation in chocolate.

She was out of line and should have apologized.

[PrairieAir]

Well, I certainly would have handled it differently if I were her. It may be, though, that she just spaced the event or forgot to talk to you about it. I have done that even though I think I am probably more like you are about these things.

We've had several wonderful yet highly unreliable and sometimes seemingly inconsiderate friends over the years. It has been extremely frustrating at times. My kids have been disappointed on many occasions. Finally I told them that you just never know what other people are going to do. You can only decide to do your best, look for the best in other people, and try to look beyond their faults. It's been shortened over the years to a sigh and a, "Well, you just never can tell," or something like that. I got soooo very tired of explaining for other people to my kids or even pulling out this speech, but they've heard it often enough now that 11yodd now says it before I do.

Is it irritating? Heck yes. I just try to be forgiving and flexible and silently resolve to do better when it comes to commitments I've made. And I hope that the grace I've given so many times will be remembered and bestowed upon me when I'm in need of it.

[WTMindy]

if she had seemed really sorry? It is a bummer and she *should* have told you sooner, and she *should* have apologized. But, we I think we have to move past the foibles of our friends and pray they do the same for us when we deserve it.

Now, if you are asking what I would have done, I know I would have apologized profusely. But, I might have been guilty of doing the same thing, I don't know. I hate being inconvenienced, so I'm sorry that your friend did this to you!!

[PrairieAir]

. . . but I've noticed something about people who are about to inconvenience you.

Or, no, back up.

I've noticed something about people. Maybe it's just the people I work with (and, well, me), but I've noticed this a lot.

People often seem to be mounting their defense before the conversation even begins. They start projecting an image that will forestall the first thing they imagine will come out of your mouth.

Example: you're on the Sunday School committee. You walk into church. You see a friend whom you were planning to ask to teach Sunday School next year. She suspects this, so as soon as she sees you, she starts projecting "frazzled"--not intentionally, just because she's feeling frazzled at the thought of teaching Sunday School next year.

She's there oozing her "frazzled" vibes while you're still shaking hands with four other friends (you're not hugging them, because it's not that kind of church, thank the Lord). By the time you get to her, you're already thinking how busy she must be. You say, "Hi, how's things?" and she answers, "Well, nuts, actually, but I think we'll get through it!" You already feel guilty about asking her, and you haven't even done it yet!! She's already begun her response to you--"I'm far too busy"--just by her body posture and her comments, even before you've asked her!

Or another example: You go to your thesis advisor's office for a scheduled meeting. She's fifteen minutes late, for no other reason than that she's [I]always fifteen minutes late. She knows you're waiting for her, so while she's still on the stairs, she starts walking faster and gathering her "Oh, today's been such a disaster!" air about her so that you will feel like she would NEVER stand you up without a Real Reason. You, on the other hand, are reading an Important Book in the hallway outside her door so that she can see what a Productive Person you are--she'll feel guilty for having wasted your time, while you get to say something gracious and benevolent like, "Oh, it wasn't a problem at all!", and you're hoping she won't call you on anything you've been procrastinating about.

You know what I'm saying?

So, I'm'a guessin' that she was just projecting like that. She wanted you to be okay with it, so she presented it like it was this totally okay thing. I don't think she meant anything by it--I don't think she was manipulative or trying to "play" you--I just think that's what we all do, without noticing.

Does that help, or does it make you more grumpy? :smash:

Wanna know what's really funny? When a 20-30-40-something construction worker calls your house early in the morning to let you know he won't be coming in to work. Why is he calling your house instead of your FIL's a.k.a. The Boss? Because he's afraid FIL will call his bluff or at least will not cut him as much slack as he thinks he deserves i.e. coddle him like a two-year-old. Then, on top of that, this supposedly grown (ahem) man will say that, oh no, he does not in fact need to talk to your husband and could you just tell him that ______ is too sick to come to work even though there's a huge concrete pour scheduled and every possible crew member is needed and then some. AND he will croak all of this in the whiniest, most ridiculous, undoubtedly fake, sick voice--punctuated with coughs and sniffles--that wouldn't fly with you were it a child of your own flesh and blood.

Occasionally I have delivered the message with my own dramatic interpretation. Pre-coffee. I think I deserve an Oscar.

Wanna know what's even funnier? The act the same construction worker (and I'm not talking about just one former employee in particular as so many have done it) will try to pull off when he accidentally bumps into dh and his dad over lunch break.

"Cough, cough. Yeah, I feel soooo weak I just had to get out and get myself some chicken soup. What? What's in the brown paper bag? Oh, that's just for the hot toddy I'm going to make myself. Best cure for a sore throat, ya know."

Anyway, sorry for the threadjack. I guess I have some leftover hostility and irritation with a few people. (Who me?) I do agree with what PariSarah has said here. They're not all fakers or manipulative. I think most people do it a little without realizing it.

[Danestress]

If I were in her shoes I would have called and asked if we could trade days.

If I were in your shoes?

Well, I have a friend with whom I share the onerous swim team driving schedule. I think anytime a child wants to do something like rowing or swimming that takes a daily commitment from Mom, he or she has to be a little flexible. I'm not sure I can commit to never having anything come up. Especially if you have more than one child. So I wouldn't not feel at all bad with any of the following options: (1) Tell DD she's not rowing today. (2) Tell friend, "no problem, let's just trade days - can you drive tomorrow?" (3) Let daughter stay until nine. It's a bit late for me too, but once in a while it never kills anyone. I do think it's annoying she cancelled so late.

My friend and I cut each other a lot of slack. She's cancelled on me very last minute because of a sick child. She's cancelled with a bit more notice because of people coming into the airport or houseguests or a few other things that don't come to mind immediately. I've asked her to switch days a number of times, and I drive on Fridays, so I have to cancel whenever we are out of town - which is sort of a lot. I don't do it at the last moment though. I'd say we trade driving days at least twice a month for one reason or another.

The thing is, carpooling is pain because you rely on others and other rely on you and I hate that whole dynamic. On the other hand, swimming (and rowing I am sure) would be a much huger pain without a driving partner.

[Caroline]

First, Sarah, you described my thesis advisor perfectly. She could never get anywhere on time and was always frazzled.

Second, I am a calendar reading flake. People understand that about me. Thank goodness DH can keep a decent calendar. I can totally see myself in your friend's situation. I do imagine that I would be apologetic and feel bad. But, I really am bad about such things. My DH would probably bail me out and get your DD and drive her home if you wouldn't let her attend the event with me.

So that is how we handle it when I make calendar faux pas, which I am apt to do at least once a month. My DH just steps in.

[Doran]

I absolutely understand that I have no right to complain as I'm sure there are many ways that I let people down, probably daily -- some things I recognize (like the times when I'm late), some I don't. Which is why I bite my tongue and say nothing, to be sure. But, I appreciate knowing that I'm not the ony one who would be irritated. In my ideal world, with the ideal me, I would not even have those feelings, kwim? I keep hoping I'll get there some day. There are so many larger issues to fret over.

PariSarah (do you prefer Pari' or 'Sarah for short? ;)), you continue to amaze me with your wisdom. What are you, about 135 years old now? :D

Thanks, EVERYONE!

Doran

[PariSarah]

PariSarah (do you prefer Pari' or 'Sarah for short? ;))

Anything but Paris.

I don't want to be confused with my twin sister:
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2093/2345914445_491aeb9875_m.jpg
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2393/2345914075_4c7d736cfa_m.jpg

[Doran]

Anything but Paris.

You've had two kids, you're 135, and you've got hoo-hoos like THAT!!!!!


http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/merv/nutskick.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org)












ROFLMBO -- You have totally made my night, Sarah!!!!


Doran

[Amy loves Bud]

I'd like to think that I would have followed through on my commitment to you. The thing is, I think if she would have presented it differently to you, you wouldn't have given it a second thought. But the attitude that you will just have to deal with it made it really stand out, didn't it?

I personally think it is nice that you worry about those things, Doran. Most people don't even consider how their lack of follow-through might negatively impact others. It shows you have a conscience!

[Doran]

I just have to put that in the subject line. We can't let this priceless bit of WTM humor go unnoticed! Take a look at PariSarah's photos, gang!



Still grinning big here.

Doran

[JudoMom]

135 with 2 kids, with hoo-hoos like THAT, but she can obviously eat whatever she wants.

Now that's just not fair.

http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/laughing024.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org)

[gardenschooler]

Well, since I'm not a spur-of-the-moment kind of gal, I would have known weeks in advance if I was going to the music event, and we would have rearranged for you to pick up your own dd that day, with me taking an extra day.

I don't roll. Everything is carved in stone (that's what dh says about me, anyway! LOL).

Beyond forgiving and forgetting, you can try to talk to her about the importance of changing plans well in advance of the day. I think a lot of people that do this frequently aren't really aware of the inconvenience it causes others.

http://www.33smiley.com/smiley2/emotions/shocked/4.gif

[PariSarah]

.. . . then why the h--- am I eating a Hardee's Burger?!?!

[Doran]

...but I've decided it's not worth the fuss. Not unless it becomes a "regular" thing. At this point, I figure it's probably more like an exchange for something I've done to her that was equally lame and probably went unnoticed by me. You know that saying..when you're pointing a finger at someone else there's always three pointing back at you!

Once upon a time, I had friends who saw fit to drop their children with me (a mother of then-toddlers who also happened to be a hard working farmer) while they toodled off to lunch dates, massages, and such. They always offered to keep my kids anytime, but I was completely unaccustomed to asking anyone for free childcare unless there was some dire emergency. So, I never took them up on their offer. But, when they'd call, spur of the moment to find out what I was doing that day, I just couldn't turn them down. I eventually had to put a stop to it -- after about the eighth time they dropped their kids on my doorstep. I told them that their arrangement was not working for me, and instead I suggested that we agree to trade days. That started a series of trades over the years, with various families, that worked out very well. My kids at their house one day in exchange for their kids at my house another.

So, out of something very distasteful grew something wonderful and very functional. Believe it or not, these people are still friends, but for years we did not see much of one another. At this point, the way has been smoothed over.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Doran

[Doran]

.. . . then why the h--- am I eating a Hardee's Burger?!?!


http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/merv/thinking.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org)


Because you and your "twin sister" are actually sharing a single brain?

Doran