Family Issues ...

[Luanne]

My daughter (age 19) and I were invited to my parent's house this evening to celebrate my father's birthday. For whatever reason they all (meaning my father, my mother, my sister, and my brother-in-law) feel that it is ok to all jump on my daughter at the same time. I have known for a long time that they think we should be striving to be exactly like them, so I am always reluctant to accept these invitations. My parent's have been very good to us in helping provide financially when we needed help and such so I don't feel like I can just totally stay away from them. It is just difficult to know how to deal with these situations when they come up.

[Remudamom]

You mean like fuss at her?

[nestof3]

Do you mean they aren't able to stand the fact that she isn't doing what every other young woman her age is?

Just wondering, because we get some of that with our eldest son.

[Whisperlily]

If I remember your last post right, your daughter is really struggling and dealing with a lot of issues. Maybe they are just trying to help in the only way they know how?

:grouphug:

You may have to play defense for her... starting before these visits happen. Accept the invitation, but lay out the ground rules. "DD is doing this right now, and I'm very proud of her. I really feel she needs support right now so she can make progress. Please don't bring up issues about XYZ at this time."

[Luanne]

They all tell her what she should and shouldn't be doing most of the time. Tonight it started with her "needing" to learn to drive. She does have her permit and she would probably have her license by now if my father hadn't insisted on making us buy a standard rather than an automatic vehicle. Her coordination isn't very good and she doesn't feel comfortable learning to drive on a stick-shift. He works at an auto-auction place and helped me get another vehicle when my vehicle was totalled a little over a year ago. I told him I wanted an automatic, but he was insistant that HE knew what was best for us.
Then it switched to her listening to "rock" music ... even though she mainly listens to soft rock ... it is still "of the devil" according to them and all four of them were blasting her about it at the same time.
I understand they want what is best for her, but I don't approve of how they handle things. This is exactly why I am so quiet around my own family because they have always done the same thing to me. :willy_nilly:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Can you ask them (very loudly and pointedly) to pass the bean dip? Change the subject - every time they bring things back to her.

[Amy in Orlando]

Are any of your family good at "teaching" someone to learn to drive a stick shift type of car? I'm a total spaz, but I learned, I just needed the right teacher. Put some of their criticism to good use. Let them help your daughter in ways that they can.

The music? Well, they have their opinions. If you want to maintain a relationship with your family, then just dont' talk about it. I'm really not getting that. My parents, siblings, cousins, etc don't ask or care what my sons are listening too. Your daughter IS an adult, maybe advise her to not mention what she's listening too or toughen up around your family if you insist she be a part of it?

I haven't been reading the board very thoroughly lately so maybe I've missed something and I'm sorry if that's the case. But, at 19, your daughter should be taking on a lot more of this stuff on her own. Maybe the two of you can strategize BEFORE family events. You seem to know what's going to set them off, help your daughter avoid the subject or, at the very least, change the subject.

That all said, I have some seriously horrible inlaws and, ultimately, the best solution was to just stop dealing with them. I do know how horrible some situations can be and I feel for you guys. You have to set your lmiits and stick to them.

[Cadam]

Have you read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsen? Read it. Regardless of the past help your dd learn to stand up for herself and protect herself now by your good example. Guilt because they have helped you in the past is not an acceptable reason to put up with their nit-picking and abuse. Even if this is just their way of showing concern they are out of line and you need to quit being quiet around them and put them in their place.

A well timed rant from an otherwise quiet family member can make a huge impact for positive change. This board has dealt with it's share of BCR (Boundaries challenged Relatives) and this strategy does work.

btw I learned to drive an automatic when I was 19 yo only because I was about to get married, and I was about to become a full time step mother to ds who needed speech therapy 3 times a week, an hours drive away. So.... I didn't pull it off until my kids needs trumped my fears. That kid is 10 and I drove a stick solo for the first time last week! No joke. (We have owned the stick for 5 years)

Moral, find her an automatic to learn on!

[RoughCollie]

Your father is still doing the same thing to you, because you bought a car you didn't want, despite your own needs.

Personally, I would tell my family that my DD and I would leave immediately if they start hounding her. And then we would leave right away.

If you set firm boundaries and stick to them, your family members will fall into line. I did it, so I know.

Caveat: My mother would not respect the boundaries, so I cut off contact with her for two years. She respects them now because she knows I'll do it again in a heartbeat, and this time it will be permanent.

she would probably have her license by now if my father hadn't insisted on making us buy a standard rather than an automatic vehicle.
Then it switched to her listening to "rock" music ... even though she mainly listens to soft rock ... it is still "of the devil" according to them and all four of them were blasting her about it at the same time.
I understand they want what is best for her, but I don't approve of how they handle things. This is exactly why I am so quiet around my own family because they have always done the same thing to me. :willy_nilly:

[nestof3]

I've noticed with my Dad, no matter what, I will always be his child. And, yes, this causes problems sometimes. I'm not saying it's right when family acts that way, just that for many, it's a hard thing to give up even if the children grow up.

I've read some of your other posts, and I can honestly say that if my relationships had been similar to yours, my Dad would be very much concerned for me and my children and would have a hard time keeping his mouth shut. Also, the more dependent we remain on our parents, the more they see us as dependents. I hope that makes sense. I am not trying to condemn you, just trying to get you to see this from another point of view. It is possible that they feel they have more responsibilty for you because they are concerned about your relationships (perhaps including the one you are interested in?) and your financial needs probably make them feel they have a certain amount of "say" since you probably still appear dependent on them.

Again, I don't want this to come across harsh, I am just letting you know my Dad would be the same way, I can imagine. He is one to let us know when he disagrees with something we are doing, and we have had arguments over this. But, I know that inside him, I will always be his little girl. If I had the same turbulence as you have been through, I think his viewpoint would be even moreso.

As for the car, my Dad was always a fan of stick shifts because they usually sold for less money and because, according to him, there were fewer parts to go wrong. LOL My brother had a little difficulty learning; but he did eventually learn. There was a time when there was no choice -- it can be done. When you say he made you buy a car, did he pay for it? I have a hard time understanding how a person can force another person to buy a car. Now, if he paid for it, he probably felt he had some say in what he spent the money on, if not, I just don't understand why you didn't just go buy a car without him.

Finally, have you tried having a calm conversation with your family telling them that you are exercising your right as the parent to decide what is best for your daughter? Remind them that they had their chance to raise you how they saw fit -- now it's your turn. And, then I would humbly ask them if they have any real conerns about anything you're doing. Regardless of how annoying our parents can be, they do sometimes have insight that we would be better recipients of if our pride were not in the way.

[Luanne]

Have you read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsen? Read it. Regardless of the past help your dd learn to stand up for herself and protect herself now by your good example. Guilt because they have helped you in the past is not an acceptable reason to put up with their nit-picking and abuse. Even if this is just their way of showing concern they are out of line and you need to quit being quiet around them and put them in their place.

A well timed rant from an otherwise quiet family member can make a huge impact for positive change. This board has dealt with it's share of BCR (Boundaries challenged Relatives) and this strategy does work.

btw I learned to drive an automatic when I was 19 yo only because I was about to get married, and I was about to become a full time step mother to ds who needed speech therapy 3 times a week, an hours drive away. So.... I didn't pull it off until my kids needs trumped my fears. That kid is 10 and I drove a stick solo for the first time last week! No joke. (We have owned the stick for 5 years)

Moral, find her an automatic to learn on!

In a box in the other room. We have been going through stuff. I am so glad I didn't get rid of this book. We haven't even read it yet, but we will now. Thanks for the suggestions.:001_smile: