How do I stop DH from...

[TCoppock]

coming up with get rich quick plans. Lately he is driving me crazy with outrageous ideas to start different companies that I feel are horrible. I love him and don't want to hurt his feeling but this is upsetting me. He wants to provide services that I don't think anyone wants (I certainly wouldn't ever pay anyone for the things he is coming up with.) It is causing me a great deal of anxiety the fact he wants to spend our money on projects that I feel are a complete waste. We are suppose to be saving up for a larger house but all I see when he starts talking like this is the hope of a new home slipping away. I have mentioned that I dont feel the ideas are good and he tells me that he will just use HIS MONEY:confused1: Ummmm.... I don't know how anyone else on the board would feel about the last comment but it infuriated me. I am at my wits end and need advice on what to say so that he wakes up and sees that these schemes are not the way to more money. I really love him and he is a great provider. It is just recently that I see him spending money foolishly and without regards to my feelings.

Sorry this is so long but I am hoping the hive can pull together and help me bring DH back to reality.

[nmoira]

I'd say I have to be convinced with something more than enthusiasm and: (1) have him write up a comprehensive business plan (not an easy undertaking in and of itself); and, (2) run it by whatever small business advisory services you have in the area (do your own research ahead of time to find one that's actually impartial and not trying to sell their services). If he doesn't have the gumption to do the research and write the plan, the schemes might fall by the wayside on their own.

[Karen sn]

Of course you are probably right - but I wonder if Bill Gate's wife thought he was crazy? I like the other poster's recommendation of a plan and an agency to review it.

[K-FL]

Well with Bill, he didn't marry until he was successful. He just had to convince his attorney parents that dropping out of school to do this computer-thing was a good idea.;)

[Danestress]

Is he unhappy in his current job. You say he is a great provider - does he enjoy his work and does he feel satisfied with what he earns? Maybe he just really wants to run his own business ..... do you think it's partly that? Or is it the dreams of big money?

I would try to get deeper into the root of his desires.

Has he inherited money?

[Tressa]

My DH has all kinds of ideas too. They aren't "get rich quick" ideas, but he always has some kind of business that he wants to start. Honestly, I think he is just tired of his current job (getting ready to retire from the military), and the thought of working for himself is appealing. I have learned that just because he is dreaming of his business doesn't mean that he is going to run out and start one. I dream a little with him (even though I have no desire), and then we move on. It could be different when he is actually retired and can do something else.

Once I ended up sitting to a small business owner on an airplane. I was telling him that my DH wanted to start his own business. He was full of good information. He had started 3 or 4 businesses before he found one where he was successful. I can't imagine the stress his poor wife had during that time, but he was successful now. He told me that he was a part of a organization that helps people that want to start businesses. Maybe next time your DH starts talking about his idea suggest looking up one of these organizations. They are free and it couldn't hurt anything for him to get some advice.

Anyway, not sure if this helps or not, but I kind of know how you feel.

[Antonia]

My dad and brother are like this, too. It used to drive my mom crazy, and does my sil. I know for them it was inherent in their personalities. They are unconventional types who don't want to do it the usual way, and are both very creative. I don't know if you will ever be able to change your dh, but you should insist that he take your comfort level to heart insofar as what you are willing to lose. My father and brother didn't do that, and it almost cost both of them their marriages.

[CookieMonster]

Do you just shoot dh down? Or do you talk him through it kindly?

I would suggest, from my own experience, that you take the side of an interested bystander when he mentions these plans. "Oh, really? What made you think of doing that?" "Wow, wouldn't that take a lot of capital to start? Where would you get the money?" etc. If you ask in a truly interested tone, and keep asking, you are then allowed to give advice, "Wow, that would be a big risk to take. You could loose $50,000 in a month." or whatever.

Something I learned about men, in general, and their psyche concerning money is that men always think they're going to win with these gambles. They just don't see the pitfalls, the potential losses, or even the odds stacked against them. They really think they are going to be the ones to make it.

But, if they know you are truly listening to them and interested in helping them, they are more likely to take into consideration your observations.

I noticed that these sort of ideas stopped coming to the surface when we were a little more secure financially. Dh had some ideas like this (nothing really big, though) back when he was making a lot less than he is now. So I think the root of his enthusiasm was worry over money. He was worried about providing for the family he loved. He wanted to be a good man. He wanted to succeed in the realm of provider. When he finally took a job with another company that was better run and more secure, the ideas stopped coming.

HTH

[Myrtle]

coming up with get rich quick plans. Lately he is driving me crazy with outrageous ideas to start different companies that I feel are horrible. I love him and don't want to hurt his feeling but this is upsetting me. He wants to provide services that I don't think anyone wants (I certainly wouldn't ever pay anyone for the things he is coming up with.) It is causing me a great deal of anxiety the fact he wants to spend our money on projects that I feel are a complete waste. We are suppose to be saving up for a larger house but all I see when he starts talking like this is the hope of a new home slipping away. I have mentioned that I dont feel the ideas are good and he tells me that he will just use HIS MONEY:confused1: Ummmm.... I don't know how anyone else on the board would feel about the last comment but it infuriated me. I am at my wits end and need advice on what to say so that he wakes up and sees that these schemes are not the way to more money. I really love him and he is a great provider. It is just recently that I see him spending money foolishly and without regards to my feelings.

Sorry this is so long but I am hoping the hive can pull together and help me bring DH back to reality.

I would be grateful that he is a good provider, that I didn't have to work, that I could home school the children, that we were in a house, no matter how small.

If I honestly felt that I were a better judge of financial risk and what it takes to bring in the income for the lifestyle that we both want I'd offer to trade places with him. I'd go to work and he'd stay at home with the kids.

If he's handling the finances got so badly that we were eating mac and cheese, then I'd have a talk about me needing to get another job to make ends meet and sticking the kids back in school. I guess the way that I see it, staying home with the kids is a privilege, not a right, and in all fairness I should also be pulling in half the income to support us. If I want a bigger house, sailboat, vacation at Sea World, and a new car (and I really do want all of those things, those aren't cliches!!) then I'd consider getting a part time job. The fact that I don't work and get to stay with my children is a gift that my husband has given to me and one that makes me very happy and is worth the trade off of those other things. I can't have everything!:tongue_smilie: And by providing this life for me it shows that he has considered my feelings. What if he said, "hey, when you don't pull in income, I have to work an extra ten years to save for retirement for the both of us" How could I respond? Shouldn't I consider his feelings and go out and work so that he can retire on schedule?

I have a friend of mine who is going through a divorce over a similar situation and complaints. Her husband was very successful financially (they/he owned three homes and they took vacations all over the world) and she still maintained the "it's our money" over everything that he did. She's on her own now in a one bedroom apartment and jobless.:eek: So, I guess that income really was his after all.

[Whisperlily]

Do you just shoot dh down? Or do you talk him through it kindly?

I would suggest, from my own experience, that you take the side of an interested bystander when he mentions these plans. "Oh, really? What made you think of doing that?" "Wow, wouldn't that take a lot of capital to start? Where would you get the money?" etc. If you ask in a truly interested tone, and keep asking, you are then allowed to give advice, "Wow, that would be a big risk to take. You could loose $50,000 in a month." or whatever.

Something I learned about men, in general, and their psyche concerning money is that men always think they're going to win with these gambles. They just don't see the pitfalls, the potential losses, or even the odds stacked against them. They really think they are going to be the ones to make it.

But, if they know you are truly listening to them and interested in helping them, they are more likely to take into consideration your observations.

I noticed that these sort of ideas stopped coming to the surface when we were a little more secure financially. Dh had some ideas like this (nothing really big, though) back when he was making a lot less than he is now. So I think the root of his enthusiasm was worry over money. He was worried about providing for the family he loved. He wanted to be a good man. He wanted to succeed in the realm of provider. When he finally took a job with another company that was better run and more secure, the ideas stopped coming.

HTH

Listen to CookieMonster! She's got it pegged.

Guys. Just. Do. This. Most of the time, they're just dreaming. Dreaming aloud. If he can't share his dreams with you, he'll find someone else who will listen. (Most committed men find a good buddy.) Why don't you BE the one who he can talk to? You can talk about the *idea* without agreeing to it. You can talk him up, talk about his skills, what fun the idea sounds. What you'd do with the money if it were successful.

Sometimes, *gulp* you have to support a few failures. We're not talking about falling for total scams... but if there's something he really, really wants to do, and continues to see as an opportunity, sometimes you have to let him try. Sometimes they need to try. And sometimes, in the course of listening, if they see you *really* care about his ideas, you can start to give your own input and have him feel like it's really INPUT instead of crashing his dreams.

Someday he'll thank you for listening. Maybe sooner than someday. But as time goes on... he'll remember.

After all, inside they're still the little boys they used to be... wanting to sail their toy boat around the world, or their rocketship to the moon.

[Wendi]

Since it seems to be a recent phenomena, maybe he's feeling dissatisfied with his career, or was inspired by someone he talked to with his own business, and is dreaming out loud. Maybe get him a book like _48 Days to the Work You Love_ or _No More Mondays_.

Don't just shoot down every idea right off the bat. And maybe at other times, bring up how much you (like many women) need to feel secure, and talk about how excited you are about the house y'all are saving for.

I also think it's a good idea for you to encourage him to do some research and write up a business plan, and go to a small business association for advice.

Wendi

[Claire]

I don't think you can get someone else to stop something like this when the person is genuinely interested in it (for whatever reason). The only thing you can control is your own reaction. Your best bet is to achieve a mindset so you can listen to these ideas but not get upset about them. If your dh is spending money foolishly, then the only thing you can do it sit down with him and talk it out. Rarely are there perfect solutions to these issues.

[Joanne]

I am at my wits end and need advice on what to say so that he wakes up and sees that these schemes are not the way to more money. I really love him and he is a great provider. It is just recently that I see him spending money foolishly and without regards to my feelings.

Is he actually *spending* the money? Or is he talking about it?

My answer depends on the above. I'm also concerned about the "his money" comment. I know marriages work differently, but in mine, all money is joint. Therefore, the thought that he (or I) had total say over a significant portion of resources would be a major issue.

[Scarlett]

I would be grateful that he is a good provider, that I didn't have to work, that I could home school the children, that we were in a house, no matter how small.

Wow. Sounds a little bit like being thankful for the crumbs falling from the table or something.


I have a friend of mine who is going through a divorce over a similar situation and complaints. Her husband was very successful financially (they/he owned three homes and they took vacations all over the world) and she still maintained the "it's our money" over everything that he did. She's on her own now in a one bedroom apartment and jobless.:eek: So, I guess that income really was his after all.

I would say a couple of things about this. I guess they weren't clear with each other before they married as to whose money it was. I would want a partnership and that would include money. If he didn't want that, he should have made it clear to her before marriage, 'hey, I'll be making the money and it will therefore be my money and I'll do what I please with it and if you dont like it too bad, don't marry me.'

Also if he really was successful and she is now living in a one bedroom apartment either they had a very short marriage, or she had a very bad lawyer.

As to the OP, I know how stressful it can be when your dh wants to spend money on things you don't agree with. I would try to turn him on to Dave Ramsey who has a proven method of being successful, in a material way, and it never includes get rich quick deals.

One more thing, suddenly being irresponsible with money can be a sign of mental illness.

[Renee in FL]

Originally Posted by Myrtle
I would be grateful that he is a good provider, that I didn't have to work, that I could home school the children, that we were in a house, no matter how small.

Wow. Sounds a little bit like being thankful for the crumbs falling from the table or something.

I would be ECSTATIC is this were my life! Crumbs from the table or NOT!

As to the OP, I know how stressful it can be when your dh wants to spend money on things you don't agree with. I would try to turn him on to Dave Ramsey who has a proven method of being successful, in a material way, and it never includes get rich quick deals.


But are they really "get rich quick deals" or is her dh just an entrepreneur at heart and wished he could "go out on a limb" so to speak? Dave Ramsey is great, but his "proven method of being successful" is his ability to sell books and advertising on his radio shows. He doesn't have many original ideas and the majority of his came from Larry Burkett. Besides, Dave Ramsey is about how to manage money, not make it. It sounds like they are managing just fine.

I think we need to give men more credit - especially men supporting homeschooling, SAHM. They go out day after day to jobs they may or may not like so that their wives can do something that is a privelege, not a necessity. Maybe these are just dreams (and it sounds like they are - he hasn't actually done anything about them) She doesn't need to "fix" him - she needs to let him vocalize his dreams without getting upset!

[Scarlett]

I would be ECSTATIC is this were my life! Crumbs from the table or NOT!



But are they really "get rich quick deals" or is her dh just an entrepreneur at heart and wished he could "go out on a limb" so to speak? Dave Ramsey is great, but his "proven method of being successful" is his ability to sell books and advertising on his radio shows. He doesn't have many original ideas and the majority of his came from Larry Burkett. Besides, Dave Ramsey is about how to manage money, not make it. It sounds like they are managing just fine.

I think we need to give men more credit - especially men supporting homeschooling, SAHM. They go out day after day to jobs they may or may not like so that their wives can do something that is a privelege, not a necessity. Maybe these are just dreams (and it sounds like they are - he hasn't actually done anything about them) She doesn't need to "fix" him - she needs to let him vocalize his dreams without getting upset!

I agree that if he just wants to vocalize his dreams she should try to listen and be supportive in the way others have mentioned. It just bugs me that the term SAH hs'ling mom is being tossed around as a 'privilege'. Yes, it is what I want to do (most days), but I am working and contributing to the family. Honestly, I feel privileged everytime I turn on hot water, and I hope my dh feels privileged to have a good job and I hope he feels privileged to have a wife who stays home and cares for home and child and dh. These are choices we have made, and although I do recognize that there are some who honestly cannot stay home, I see it more as a lifestyle choice than a privilege.

And Dave Ramsey is of course not a god, and I don't follow every word he says, but if a family is struggling financially sometimes management of the funds IS the problem.

[Scarlett]

But are they really "get rich quick deals" or is her dh just an entrepreneur at heart and wished he could "go out on a limb" so to speak?

The OP said he has recently began spending money with out regard to her feelings.

[TCoppock]

I wanted to thank everyone for their replies and clarify somethings. First of all this is a new problem that I am having with DH. He is usually excellent with spending and my feelings. As a matter of fact, when he wanted to return back to school he came to me with a written list that included not only the costs of school but also extra things he would need for going back (including a new laptop). He had really taken the time to think it overand came up with a clearly written time frame for when certain goals were going to be reached. I never asked for this and was so grateful that he took the time to do it without jumping in feet first.

As for work: He switched to a new company about 6 months ago and says he is so much happier now. When he was unhappy with his last job it was obvious and I encouraged him to move on even if it meant taking a cut in pay (which lucky didn't happen).

Just for the record I have no problem supproting DH if he chooses to start his own business. My problem lies in two things 1) the fact that are not well thought plans and 2) what I see as a lack of regard for my feelings. I feel that any large purchase or investment should be discussed and agreed upon prior to anything.

Not that it makes a difference in this situation but for clarification I do work and bring in a significant portion of our household income.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Is money actually being spent foolishly or are they foolish dreams? Many of the responses you've gotten assume foolish dreams. If it is dreams, then you've been given are good ones - to really listen to them, affirm them, but to also bring a touch of reality to the situation.

Who manages the money? Would you know if "unaccounted for" money was going out of your pockets? Like for a gambling habit perhaps? Sometimes with a habit like that people feel the need to "win" the money back either through more gambling or through a "get rich quick" scheme.

His "response" about "his money" as you listed it in the original post sounds like a personality change from your other words describing him. Is there a personality change in him in general? If there is, perhaps he needs a physical from his doctor. Perhaps a respected male mentor could talk to him to find out if there were something non-physical triggering such a change - a mid-life crisis perhaps, the start of an affair, or undiagnosed depression or other mental health problem.

I'm not suggesting that he has any of these problems! These are "brainstorming" questions that might lead you in the right direction. I can tell you really love and care about him (even though you are exaperated at the same time). As you know, we are not a "marriage counseling" board and I don't want to over-step board rules or over-step my own ability to "diagnose" a problem based on a paragraph of text!