If someone were yelling at you on the phone, what would you do?

[Renee in FL]

I had an experience with my ex last night that I am still struggling with. He was/is verbally and mentally abusive. I hung up on him 4 times last night after warning him not to yell, lecture, and curse at me.

Would you have done the same? I *hate* that I did that - I feel that it is very rude. However, I don't see *why* I should be subjected to his tirades. ESPECIALLY when the tirade is about something that really isn't his business, KWIM?

[Beth in Central TX]

If you warned him, then I think you were totally justified in hanging up. I would have done the same.

[melissel]

I would have hung up immediately, and commend you for doing so. I also wouldn't have given him more than one more chance to yell at me before I stopped picking up the phone altogether. What an out-of-control jerk.

[Momto4kids]

I absoultely would have hung up on him and then probably would not have talked to him again. Or if I did I would let him know that if he did it again he would have to wait until the next day to talk to me. Of course that is easier said then done and I don't know your situation.

((hugs)))

[PariSarah]

You draw a reasonable line--"If you yell or curse at me, I will hang up the phone/leave the room/go get a hotel room"--and it's up to him to decide whether to cross it.

Sounds pretty straightforward to me.

[Cadam]

You can't control him, only set a healthy boundary and stick to it. Good job!

[j.griff]

I would have hung up. I had a friend yell at me on the phone once, I understood that she was in emotional turmoil due to her situation, I offered help and she started yelling at me and accusing me of things. I raised my voice over hers and told her I didn NOT appreciate her yelling at me, and told her that she needed to stop. She hung up on ME when I yelled at her to stop yelling. :confused: But, if she had not done that, and if she had kept yelling I would have hung up. If she'd called me back and started yelling again, I'd have hung up again and turned off my phone.

[Crissy]

You draw a reasonable line--"If you yell or curse at me, I will hang up the phone/leave the room/go get a hotel room"--and it's up to him to decide whether to cross it.

Sounds pretty straightforward to me.

:iagree:

[Doran]

A friend stopped communicating with her ex by phone for this very reason. She leaves messages and emails, and she screens her calls.

The only thing you may have done "wrong" (though maybe not, I don't know the circumstances) was to allow him to do that to you more than once. First time, shame on him. Second, third, fourth time, shame on you. :001_huh:

Remember, this response in you is precisely the one he's after. He wants you to feel guilty for something that is really his fault.

Doran

[kalanamak]

I had an experience with my ex last night that I am still struggling with. He was/is verbally and mentally abusive. I hung up on him 4 times last night after warning him not to yell, lecture, and curse at me.

Would you have done the same? I *hate* that I did that - I feel that it is very rude. However, I don't see *why* I should be subjected to his tirades. ESPECIALLY when the tirade is about something that really isn't his business, KWIM?

Try to be a c-a-l-m as possible, tell him you are hanging up and will speak to him when he can be civil and a gentle click. Unplug phone for awhile. I had a nurse way back when who used to deal with angry people by getting politer and politer. "I"m sooooo sorry you are displeased. Gosh, you must be really frustrated" etc. etc. The just-upset people calmed down and were nice. The hysterical got more and more so and almost always hung up on her.

If it is business you have to discuss, ask him if he has a friend who can sit in and help. My ex (who was never a yeller, but the sarcastic type) gets buttery sweet when he's in front of someone else.

[Janet in WA]

I had an experience with my ex last night that I am still struggling with. He was/is verbally and mentally abusive. I hung up on him 4 times last night after warning him not to yell, lecture, and curse at me.

Would you have done the same? I *hate* that I did that - I feel that it is very rude. However, I don't see *why* I should be subjected to his tirades. ESPECIALLY when the tirade is about something that really isn't his business, KWIM?((((Honey)))), is there some reason that you feel the need to keep answering the phone? I don't see why you should be subjected to his tirades either. But he seems to have the power to keep you subjecting yourself to them.

[Whisperlily]

You've gotten some great advice here. One thing that my friend has done, in addition to being warned that if he yells she will hang up, is to have any official questions addressed via e-mail.

Rants and tirades will be immediately deleted.

Discussion still happens, and is necessary, but disrespect and abuse is not tolerated.

[Renee in FL]

Trust me, this is a VAST improvement over the last 14 years where I had some insane idea that I had to (a) listen to his tirades, (b) apologize, kow-tow, whatever to keep the peace, and (c) acquiesce to his demands in an attempt to reduce the rage directed at our ds.

I raised my voice only to be heard over his ranting and raving.

I think that email and in person with a 3rd party present is the way to go. That wau I have a witness and/or a hard copy.

[RebeccaC]

Hang up, when it rings again, before answering check caller id if it is him right after a hang up don't pick up. At least this is how I handle similar situations with boundariless bully relatives. Takes all control from their court and lets me keep my peace of mind :D

[Plaid Dad]

Yes, and I would be documenting in writing everything that was happening. So sorry you're going through this!

[BeachGirl]

I agree with Kalanamak. I work in Customer Service and take abuse on the phone daily. I just get sweeter and sweeter the more people yell at me. I figure that annoys them and they cannot call my boss to complain that I was too nice to them.

I do have to say I am going to be in the same place as you starting on Monday. I filed for full custody for our dd15 yesterday because of his physical threats to our child. He will not be pleased. I only have a cell phone and that does display the phone number calling me. He will only get one warning before I hang up on him. If he calls back, the calls can go to voicemail and I will save them for court. Good luck in this battle. Some people just cannot control themselves and act like jerks most of the time.:iagree:

[Mama Bear]

...maybe you'll get a giggle out of this.

Visitation was being discussed the other night, over the phone. (He called, I don't.) The first call, at 7 something, went well. The second, after 11, went well. This in spite of the fact that Q was on my lap, just falling asleep, and a little jumpy when the phone rang. And in spite of the fact that I've asked him not to call between 9pm and 7am. In part because nights here can be fractious.

The call that woke me at 1:30 went okay because I was barely awake and kept saying, "I'm sorry. I don't know what you want me to say." When I was finally awake enough to change that to "What do you need from me" and repeat that a few times, we got down to what he was aiming for. When I told him no, things deteriorated a wee bit. I pointed out that it was now nearly 2am. After a smidge more deterioration, I hung up.

I headed back to bed, thinking, rather disgustedly, that I'd read a bit, pray (as is my custom when unable to sleep) and go back to sleep. With each step I took (only about ten), I was more awake and more, erm, not happy. Breathe, baby. We can do this. So I pick up the book and the paragraph that my eyes fall on says, basically, "If you're thinking about taking a risk, evaluate it and if it falls in line with your goals, go for it, even if it scares you." Uh-huh. I chose to read this as a divine sign.

I called him back and said: "The next time you wake me at 1:30am you had better be naked and in my bed."

The chick lost her mind.

He spluttered but said nothing.

I don't think he'll be doing that again any time soon.

[*anj*]

What else could you have done? You simply cannot allow someone to treat you that way. You warned him and you followed through on your threat. Boundaries are important, especially in a situation with an ex.

You're okay, you did the right thing. :grouphug:

[*anj*]

I called him back and said: "The next time you wake me at 1:30am you had better be naked and in my bed."



You're a nut! :lol: And I'll bet you're right: he won't be calling in the middle of the night anymore!;)

[Joanne]

I had an experience with my ex last night that I am still struggling with. He was/is verbally and mentally abusive. I hung up on him 4 times last night after warning him not to yell, lecture, and curse at me.

Would you have done the same? I *hate* that I did that - I feel that it is very rude. However, I don't see *why* I should be subjected to his tirades. ESPECIALLY when the tirade is about something that really isn't his business, KWIM?

My xh is a completely unrecovered verbally abusive narcissist. As such, I'll never convince him that his behavior, intent and very *thinking* is inherently flawed and that his standard for acceptable and normal skewed.

He taught me that a boundary need not be agreed to. I do not have to "be nice". No amount of reasonable words or conversation will change someone with un or undertreated mental illness.

My xh gets *one* chance to be courteous and non abusive. If he steps over that line, HE HAS CHOSEN to end the interaction.

I also keep communication with him in public by always having someone with me and keeping people in the email loop.

Don't ever feel obligated again to subject yourself to one, let alone 4, verbal assaults.

[Renee in FL]

I think my ex and your ex are twins Joanne. He thinks that he isn't the one with the problem, it is everyone else in the world. Narcissist? Oh yeah. He is convinced that I am the one that has the problem. The original conversation was about something that was absolutely ridiculous, too, so it wasn't even something important enough to get all worked up about!

[Jenny in Atl]

Either hang up or put the phone down and walk away, do something that makes you happy, then come back to see if he is still yelling... if so, hang up for sure! (((hugs)))

[OnTheBrink]

I think my ex and your ex are twins Joanne. He thinks that he isn't the one with the problem, it is everyone else in the world. Narcissist? Oh yeah. He is convinced that I am the one that has the problem. The original conversation was about something that was absolutely ridiculous, too, so it wasn't even something important enough to get all worked up about!


Add my ex in there and you've got the Narcissist Triplets.

Anyway, I'd have hung up on him. I absolutely will not allow anyone to treat me disrespectfully.

[Karen sn]

4 times?!?!?!
I would say calmy, "Well....it was nice talking to you. Have a nice night - I have to go now. Bye-bye!"
AND I WOULD NOT ANSWER THE PHONE AGAIN ALL NIGHT.

[Karen sn]

Good for you!!!! I love it.

[Kris]

Hang up -- LOUD -- and then if he calls back a second time, hang up again and leave the phone off the hook.

Four times? Ouch!

[JudoMom]

...maybe you'll get a giggle out of this.

Visitation was being discussed the other night, over the phone. (He called, I don't.) The first call, at 7 something, went well. The second, after 11, went well. This in spite of the fact that Q was on my lap, just falling asleep, and a little jumpy when the phone rang. And in spite of the fact that I've asked him not to call between 9pm and 7am. In part because nights here can be fractious.

The call that woke me at 1:30 went okay because I was barely awake and kept saying, "I'm sorry. I don't know what you want me to say." When I was finally awake enough to change that to "What do you need from me" and repeat that a few times, we got down to what he was aiming for. When I told him no, things deteriorated a wee bit. I pointed out that it was now nearly 2am. After a smidge more deterioration, I hung up.

I headed back to bed, thinking, rather disgustedly, that I'd read a bit, pray (as is my custom when unable to sleep) and go back to sleep. With each step I took (only about ten), I was more awake and more, erm, not happy. Breathe, baby. We can do this. So I pick up the book and the paragraph that my eyes fall on says, basically, "If you're thinking about taking a risk, evaluate it and if it falls in line with your goals, go for it, even if it scares you." Uh-huh. I chose to read this as a divine sign.

I called him back and said: "The next time you wake me at 1:30am you had better be naked and in my bed."

The chick lost her mind.

He spluttered but said nothing.

I don't think he'll be doing that again any time soon.

You are awesome :lol:!

[JennifersLost]

I always hang up when the ex starts yelling. In fact, it's been a long time since he's tried it because I hung up every single time he did it and then wouldn't answer the phone. I never wait until the situation escalates and don't wait to hear what he's saying. As soon as his voice raises, I hang up. They eventually realize that they want you to hear them more than they want you to yell at them.