My Aspie kid had a major meltdown today...

[Sue G in PA]

Sorry if this should be a Spec. Needs board post, but I usually don't post there. I'm just beside myself. We went to Sears to look for a cradle mattress. He was looking at the video games and wanted to buy one. We couldn't so we said no. Begin meltdown. In the midst of the chaos and trying to calm him down, dd2 wanders off. Nowhere to be found. I thought she was with my dd11. Not so. So after 10 frantic minutes, I see Security Officers looking around and as I approach they ask me if I'd lost a toddler. Phew. Now, I get to her (halfway across the store) and this woman just looks at me down her nose like I"m the worst mom in the world. She's lucky I didn't punch her. Like I needed that at that moment. Dh takes ds6 to the car w/ the other kids and can't calm ds6 down. He practically has to sit on him in the van to keep him seated. He's kicking, screaming and then it gets worse when he realizes we are NOT stopping for dinner like we had planned. Well, duh? Now, at home it takes a full HOUR to calm him down enough for him to eat the pancakes I made to appease my other dc who were VERY disappointed but behaved BEAUTIFULLY amidst the chaos. Now, I'm having contractions 5 min. apart due to the stress (I'm almost 37 wks so no biggie) and I'm considering taking ds6 to the dr. to get medicated. Ds6 proceeded to kick my dh, pull our banister off the wall, scream, hit, etc. WHAT if he does this to the baby or he little sister someday? I want him medicated b/c I can't tolerate it anymore. Is that totally selfish? I'm so against meds but for him...just to get him to STOP...I'm for it. Dh is against it and thinks I'm being selfish. See, dh had to be on meds for seizures and remember the awful side-effects. I ask you...what about the rest of the family? Is it ALL about ds6? What about the rest of us and our sanity and safety as he gets older and potentially gets worse? I'm so sorry to ramble...I know you all have better things to do than listen to me whine...again...and again...and again. I just don't have anywhere else to turn. Dh and should be together on this but I feel as if we are on opposing sides. It's nuts. I wish I knew what to do. I really do...:crying:

[Janet in WA]

What kind of medication are you considering? We have never found a medication that helped our aspie son (now 22). I would caution you to tread into the world of drugs cautiously. Not many health care professionals really know what they're doing when they prescribe for aspie patients, despite their assurances that they do. Unless your son has other problems besides asperger's, there's a good chance you'll try many medications that just don't do a thing for him.

But at least your dh didn't get arrested at Sears. When our son was about that age, he had a meltdown in an arcade (before we finally learned to keep him out of them), and dh picked up the screaming kicking child to carry him outside. When they got outside, 2 police cars screeched onto the sidewalk blocking my dh's path, and he was immediately surrounded by cops -- who thought our son was being abducted. At that point, I might just have said to the cops, "You got me -- I have no idea who this kid is. You can have him." :glare:

[Quiver0f10]

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to give you a cyber hug. You sound tired and stressed. :grouphug: I am sorry :-(

[Cadam]

I understand. I know how scary it is. I know how desperate you feel, like you are going to drowning all of it. I lost my toddler once because dd was raging in a store. I know the condemnation that comes in the looks of other people who just don't get and I am so sorry you got one of those looks.

Maybe your dh would understand better if you explained it in the context of safety. Guys want to protect their families. Also, put the meds on a trial period. One month and then 6 months and re-evaluate. If the side effects are to much he can always stop taking it. It is not a permanent choice. Ask your dh what you should do to protect the baby if meds are not an option. Let him solve the problem. Guys are good at that.

Just a few more things. Is he in Occupational Therapy? My dd is and it is helping. Even on meds your boy will still be an Aspie and please remember that when you are pregnant every problem seems overwhelming. Raising this child may be the hardest thing you ever do but you will do it, it's what moms do. (((Sue)))

[Angel]

My aspie is my oldest dd (now 13). Though she has always held it together in public, at home the meltdowns can be rough...however, she doesn't get the angry, physical side. When I considered medication for dd, it would have been for her anxiety. She came out of that "phase" and I didn't go through with it, but one more month and I would have sought the doc. It was agonizing for me and her. I agree with Janet that I don't think there are meds for AS, but if he has other issues going on then I would certainly look into it if it was a continual disruption. I know the emotional exhaustion it takes to deal some days.

Have you looked into no dyes/preservatives or gluten/cassein free diets (I'll admit looking at this diet made me hyperventilate :eek:). We do no dyes/preservatives as often as possible (our busy schedule doesn't permit this as much as I would like). What we have found that helps is vitamins. A good B-complex has really helped my dd, as well as probiotics. I have been wanting to try omega 3's but haven't got around to getting any yet. Depending on what he might be dealing with along with AS, vitamins/diet may help as much or more than meds.

One other thing, I just thought of, is sensory issues. Do those push him over the edge? Maybe a sensory "diet" type thing at home might help.

I don't know if this helps much. It's so hard when they are going through difficult times. I sure do understand your frustration. Take care.

Angel

[melissel]

I have no advice at all, but wanted to offer some ((())). I can't even imagine how difficult that must be for all of you.

[Mama Bear]

Pat, pat, pat.

I recently read about a family with six kids (all biologically theirs) who are on the spectrum. They usually put T-shirts on the kids when they go out that read: I have Autism. What's your excuse?

I'm thinking of getting one made for my little punkinhead: I have brain damage. What's your excuse? ;)

I have a friend with kiddoes being medicated with Tegretol (seizure med) for bi-polar disorder. They mostly remember to take the meds all by themselves because they feel so much better when they're taking it.

Wishing you blessings and peace as you look for some answers and await your new little one.

[Doran]

Take a bath. Have some tea. Go for a walk and have a good cry. Or...hmmm...maybe walking is not fun at this point. How about into a pillow? I know how overwhelmed you must feel even though I don't have an Aspie child. Mostly I am here to say that I think you and your dh need to discuss this more sensitively. This is one of those times when there is no perfect solution. Neither of you is entirely right or wrong. There's gray there that has to be explored. Please make a point of "scheduling" a quiet time to talk this over with your dh, to help him see your side of the thing. You might do some research ahead of time (on Aspie related boards?) to back up your thoughts.

I have a close friend here whose second child and oldest boy is an Aspie with outbursts like the one your son just had. He is now 13 and medicated. They did not start medication until about a year ago and my friend is smacking herself in the head for having waited so long. The medication? Anti-depressant.

It's worth investigating all your options and yes, yes, yes, you and the others in the family all get equal votes!

{{{{Sue}}}}


Doran

[8FillTheHeart]

Well, you are not going to like my response, b/c it is the same one that I have been giving your for several months. :banghead:

:rant: He needs a professional evaluation. It might be Aspie, it might be bi-polar, it might be who knows......that is the purpose of evaluations!!!!!! I know that even with my own ds and the evals we have gone through that we still don't have the bigger picture. It isn't simply a matter of walking in, receiving meds, walking out and life is normal. (If it were, I wouldn't be sitting in front of the computer right now trying to escape from my ds who is in the middle of another meltdown......if you think they are difficult at 6, try them at 16 when they are bigger than you and weigh 20 lbs more than you and the violence is still there.)

I have shared that my biggest regret is not intervening earlier. Your ds's behavior has been "not normal" for months. You have not been dealing with it for months. Time will not simply make it go away. If he has a truly physiological reason for the behavior, it will probably take meds to begin to control it. BUT, even with meds, it takes HUGE amounts of therapy.

Procrastinating isn't doing anything but making you miserable and not allowing him the opportunity to control himself.

So......go ahead and feel like punching me. It isn't something that hasn't been MY REALITY for the past week b/c my ds is going off the deep-end. If I could spare any family the absolute HELL that we live in, it is absolutely worth making your mad.

[Karin]

First, I have to say that you have my complete and utter empathy.

:rant: He needs a professional evaluation. .

I have to agree 100 percent on this. It's easy to read something and think it fits (and you may well be right) but you can't do medicaiton without really knowing what's going on. And if it is Asperger's, medication isn't usually recommended. If it is, it is usually for anxiety or depression unless there is ADHD, etc. But there are often dietary changes that can make a world of difference. But the best one to help you with that would be a DAN! MD. There's a "normal" girl on my dd's swim team who was diagnosed with full-blown autism at 3. In her case, after they went to a DAN! doctor, she was put on anti-fungals and anti-virals and she was a totally different child. But that isn't always the case with kids with autism.

Diet can be critical. I have one child who will yell in her sleep for HOURS if she has corn syrup or a couple of other things. That's her only symptom. I have another who had lots of food sensitivities, but what a world of difference it made when we switched. She was in physical pain every day for no known reason. Plus other odd symptoms.

But you won't know for sure what to do without help. Elimination diets were useless in our case due to the enormous number of sensitivities, and the ELISA test did wonders for us. But we didn't know which test would reveal the answers until they were all done.

If it is Asperger's, I'd also consider the sensory overload factor and would try to avoid full family shopping trips for some time. Take one thing at a time.

[kalanamak]

First, I have to say that you have my complete and utter empathy.



I know this is hard. I know you want to the best by everyone.

That said, I think Aspie is overdiagnosed these days. Sort of the ADHD of decade. There may well be something else going on, and this child and your family need help before bad patterns sink in deeper on everyone. And you need some hope in your life. Seek something that will help, meds or otherwise.

[Melissa in NC]

Family shopping trips can be a bear. I have a very good friend who has a Aspie son, age 9. The fluorescent lights in the stores can start a headache that sets him off. He had to leave museum exhibit that we traveled 3 hours to get to because of the lighting. I completely understood that he was about to melt down and I felt so sorry for him that he had to miss to exhibit.

I will try to send you a personal message with my email. I would like to get you in touch with my friend. She is so supportive and is so knowledgeable about Aspies. In the mean time, take a time out for yourself. I will say a prayer for you.

[awanama]

I haven't read the other responses but wanted to share our experience. We have a 12 ds that we finally put on meds. We don't really have an official diagnosis on this child but we know he has SID, ODD, and possibly asperger and/or bipolar. They are still in the process of trying to figure this out which is difficult when he refuses to talk with the doctor. Anyway, we've had trouble from a very young age and he has been in therapy several times over the years with no help. He is now on a depression med and a psychosis med which is used for treating bipolar. We have NO side effects!! The first two weeks he was a bit groggy but once that ended we see no side effects. He still gets upset but doesn't have the rages like you described any more. We have had that happen to us so many times I can't even imagine counting them. They would last anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours.

I do want to say we were against medicating him but it got to a point (when he threatened my life) that it was necessary. His 8yr sister would ask me all the time why he was like that or why he was always so mean. At that point, it wasn't just effecting him anymore, it was effecting all of us. We have seen a big improvement sense his meds, but life is not perfect. We still have days of ups and downs but it isn't quite as dramatic as it was and there are fewer and fewer of them.

I also don't know if this will help you but we have found he does SO much better in the public school. He seems to control himself better at school and seems to have a better attitude at home. I always thought he would be a child that wouldn't be able to handle the school environment but he has actually blossomed in it.

[Sue G in PA]

Yesterday was a pivotal day in our ongoing adventure with ds6. It made me realize we CAN'T handle him alone anymore. I don't know what he has besides Aspergers (if it really is) but we're going to get him evaluated after this baby is born. If meds are what it takes, that's what we'll do. Dh said he wasn't against them...just against my reasons for using them (like it really matters!). As for public school (I think Erica you mentioned that doing wonders for you ds)...we've mulled that over. While I think it *might* work for him, my biggest fear is him thinking I'm "getting rid of him". He'd be the only one. I'm so afraid he'll see it as Mom not wanting to be around him and sending him away instead of doing what's best for him, KWIM? He's never had an episode with other people. AROUND other people, but never while in their care (w/out mom or dad). He's a different child. Keeps it together, acts "normal", etc. THAT is why I think ps might work. Perhaps the time away from him would do ME some good in cultivating a positive relationship instead of this negative one we seem to have going.

Anyway, thanks for all the suggestions. I have a lot to think about.

[Violet]

He's so young. My dd is 8 and will be 9 in a few months. Some of what I experienced in the past with her is similar to what you describe--angry meltdowns. We decided to homeschool her because I felt it would help her more than public school, but school wasn't the worst thing, either! Really. She enjoyed the OT, the resource room time, etc. The hard part was the social aspect, but I think if other kids are made aware of the fact that a child has special needs and needs extra help, they can be helpful and kind and inclusive. Your son may like school.

I also second the questions asked as to whether you have him in OT? GFCF diet has helped my child a great deal, too. Have you read, Is This Your Child by Doris Rapp? Wonderful book.

You bring up the possibility of meds, and that's your call, but before *I* would medicate my child, I'd make sure that my dc had a solid evaluation done, that I tried occupational and behavior modification type therapy, and that I also closely looked at diet. Plus, I would really consider sending him to school to give you both a break, kwim? A special needs child is a lot to deal with all day long every day. I know that first-hand. Mine is my youngest and I have one more child at home who is 11 and a very easy child, and it is still very hard.

JMHO...

Anita

[Angel]

Sue,

I just wanted to share that though school is an option, it may not be any easier. My dd was in a Christian school from K-4th. She was a great student, never a problem, etc. We didn't find out about dd's AS until right before 5th. We were sure there was somthing, but we didn't know what. Anyway, dd has mild anxiety and Sensory Integration with her AS and school was hours of "keeping it together." When she got home to her "safe" place, it would all come out. Usually the meltdowns (crying) would start as soon as she got in the car. I share this because of what you said about wanting to cultivate a positive relationship with him. I felt this way almost daily with dd when she was in school (Ok, I still sometimes feel this way). The evenings were filled with meltdowns (on her part) and frustration and anger (on mine). Though we still have issues during our homeschooling days, we have longer times where there are none because I can "control" her environment to some degree and help her when I see the overload coming. I also tailor her school (short lesson times, shorter days) so that she doesn't get overloaded. It is still a struggle some days, but it's not daily like when she had to decompress from school.

I'm sharing this to be negative, but I did want you to have another perspective about sending him off to school and what you may encounter there. Making these decisions are so difficult. Dh and I often are trying to figure out what's best or not. Good luck in figuring out you little ds.

Angel

[Sue G in PA]

peer influence. He picks up things from TV that no other child would. He will latch on to one quote or one action (usually negative) and go with it. It drives us all bonkers. I can't imagine what he would pick up in ps and what he would latch on to. It's always the negative stuff...nasty words (not curse words, just unpleasant words/phrases), disgusting gestures (again, not obcene just yucky, not-so-funny stuff) from cartoons (and we really do try to limit them with him) and other shows. Thanks for the perspective, Angel. I'm not making any decision right now. I've always been taught not to make decisions in "low tide" and right now is definitely "low tide".