Feeling discouraged this morning

[PollyOR]

I need a safe place to vent. My parents aren't pro-homeschool and my sister has a different homeschool philosophy than I do. Plus, I don't want my dd to overhear what I might say.

Every time I come here, I see how much more rigorous you all are. I know, comparison is the death of contentment. I believe my 14yo is intellectually capable of more than she is doing. But, (there's always a "but") she isn't capable from an emotional and physical standpoint. <sigh> She suffers from insomnia, depression, and feels tired much of the time. Yes, she is under the care of medical professionals (ped, psychiatrist, psychologist, OB/Gyn physician's assist.), and she's medicated. Personally I think they're slapping on a lot of bandaids without getting to the root of the problem, but until they get things figured out life is the way it is. It's hard to get through Biology, etc. when you are tired and just want to go take a nap.

I'm so tired of pushing two steps forward and falling back a step. Most days I'm able to keep going, but today when she woke up with a headache and went back to bed I felt defeated.

Thanks for reading.

[Grace is Sufficient]

Please know that you're not alone. I have a 14 year old daughter also. As far as intelligence, she's off the charts. But she suffers from the same issues as your daughter: insomnia, off and on depression and cutting, also is OCD and a good candidate for the oppositional defiance disorder, if that's anything other than extreme rebelliousness and strong will.

Since she's been 11 or 12, our school has not been what I'd like it to be. I find great ideas here, but her education has become somewhat mediocre in recent years. I tried her in a private school for part of 7th grade, and withdrew her because it made everything worse. Her depression and anxiety skyrocketed and she even lost ground educationally. Now she's in a one day a week homeschool co-op, and it at least forces her to get up in the morning and come out of her room and be with other people on Fridays, without seeming to have as many negatives as the private school.

BUT, being the precocious type, she started into these problems a bit younger than usual, so I *think* I can say the worst may be behind us, and things are starting to improve. It's definitely better than it was a year ago. She has even been able to get off the medicines -- sooner than her counselor and psychiatrist would have liked, but has done mostly okay.

So let me encourage you that these are really horrible and hard years for some teens, and the best we can do is try to limit the damage. I don't know if your relationship with her is taking any hits, but I've found it helpful to spend time with her doing what she likes (shopping, eating out, playing her video games) without bringing in all the difficult issues and problems has helped our relationship to surivive some tough times.

You might feel defeated but you are not defeated. Each day that passes brings your daughter closer to the day when things will get better. I feel like we're crawling up the other side of a pit right now, and honestly, the last few years have been pretty hellish.

I don't know if you're a Christian, but I will be praying for you and your daughter. I really do know how it feels. Things are still hard here at times, but I've seen some improvement, and I know God will be as faithful in her life as He has been in mine.

Blessings,
Debbie

[JennW in SoCal]

Oh Polly, that is rough.

I can imagine how you feel. My oldest faced some terrific challenges throughout middle school and high school, and we lost most of year at one point when my mom was ill and dying. I would come to this board and feel like such a schmuck of a homeschool mom. I think all you can do is just keep plugging along and little by little it gets done. Which is easier said than done when you don't have support from your closest support network.

I was just thinking earlier this morning how getting my oldest through school was like pushing a boulder up a steep and deeply muddy mountain. It tired me out as if I were actually physically pushing him along.

Celebrate the good days. Curl up with a warm blankie and some chocolate on the bad days. And don't beat yourself up about rigor!! It is much easier being rigorous with a healthy child than with a child with special needs -- my younger ds is a still a boulder, but I'm pushing him along a flat and smooth plain. There is no comparison.

:grouphug::grouphug:

[PollyOR]

Please know that you're not alone.
I don't know if you're a Christian, but I will be praying for you and your daughter. I really do know how it feels. Things are still hard here at times, but I've seen some improvement, and I know God will be as faithful in her life as He has been in mine.

:o Thank you so, so much.

[Julie in MN]

Polly,
I want to add to the voices saying you are not alone.

My daughter started homeschooling when she failed 9th grade -- because she had not turned in one single assignment, they only later told me.

She is still homeschooling a bit at age 22, with a 2-year-old child on board, as well. She has blossomed slowly but surely, and is still willing to try. Everyone felt she had "something wrong" but no one was able to identify it.

I think you can only do your best, and then step back. You can't control all of life, you can only do your best. You can't always even know what are her issues and what are her burdens. Use your time to educate yourself instead, or to grow in your faith, or to organize her school records. Or to chat with us :grouphug: I do a lot of that :tongue_smilie:

[swimmermom3]

Polly,

It is not about whether or not you are homeschooling. Given the same set of circumstances but working within a ps, you would find a similar situation. Ugh. I'm not explaining this clearly. It's not you. It's not homeschooling. It's depression, the big, ugly beast in the corner. For now, focus on one thing at a time. Heck, if you have to read to her and she'll tolerate it, then do it and tick it off your list. Set a timer for 15 minutes and do some math. Spoon feed her if you must. Kwim? Too much work built up will sink you both. Be gentle with yourself but stay focused on the task at hand.

My dd has missed an entire week of ps high school, along with 3 tests. Tomorrow is homecoming and the PSAT. She'll miss both. The hole is deep and black right now. She is overwhelmed, exhausted, and spiraling down. We focus only on one piece of paper at a time. She starts talking about the whole picture and I shut her down. I don't know if it's the right way to deal with this but it's what we do.

Polly, I'd be knocking on you door with coffee, chocolate, and hugs if I could. Don't let her mood take you down and I know that is miserably hard to do. We're here for you.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Nan in Mass]

I agree with the pp: the teen years are really rough on some children. And their mothers. Sigh. With these teens who struggle, you just have to do the best you can. I am still mourning all that my oldest and I missed. It is ok to mourn. But you also have to move forward as best you can and try to focus on what you have managed to accomplish despite the handicaps. If I could do it again, I would not do public school; I would homeschool. But I would do it differently than I am doing it with my younger two. I would try to accept that we weren't going to get as far and focus on keeping our family and relationship together so the poor child had something to come back to when he came out of it, and focus on academic skills so when he was able to learn again, he could easily teach himself what he needed, and survive college if he chose to go. I would try to find some subject that my child liked and include that one in a way that suited my child and didn't spoil the subject. And I would either skip or try to do the bare minimum in order to check off the box in the rest of the subjects. If I had focused on academic skills like math and writing and researching, with, possibly, vocab and grammar, I would have had a child who was able to catch up later as an adult. Adults have to learn things all the time. The ones who do best are the ones who don't have the academic skills to learn things easily. Community college is an easy way to do this, but you can only do that if you have a minimum of academic skills. Of course a major problem with that scenario is that you might be accountable to your local school system and they might not feel the same way. Also, working on academic skills alone is boring. But maybe you could make a deal of some sort - much less work and fewer subjects, but the subjects will be dry and hard? She has to work hard for two or three hours, but that is it? I don't know. This is just what I wish I had done, not anything I've actually tried. I'm not sure I would have been able to make such a deal with my son at that time. And my son had fewer problems than your daughter. I watched an adult friend struggle with a hellish year and he did something cool - he learned something well during that year. It was agony making himself do it, but at the end of the year, he had something positive. In his case, he learned to play a musical instrument by playing an hour a night. The rest of his life fell apart, but he had something to take away from the wreckage. I always try to remember that. Just something to think about... I know a teenager who ignored school and flunked out, but taught herself to draw well. At least in the end, she had gained something that she wanted. She was incapable of doing what everyone else did, but at least she had something. I also know some who gained nothing at all, who just survived. And I know one or two who didn't even manage that. Sometimes just surviving isn't a bad goal, either... Try not to compare. People who carry burdens may not get as far as fast, but it doesn't mean they aren't as good or better than the rest of us.

Hang in there. Being a mother is heartbreaking, isn't it? You are in good company, though, and somehow, we manage to keep going even with broken hearts.
Hugs.
-Nan

[Susan C.]

This is a great thread, you women are amazing. I am bringing teen number two through homeschooling, the moods, the drifting, etc. We have been doing better, but for some reason this week, the motivation to do work comes at dinner time, and we have been up really late and I am wiped out. But at least she wants to do the work, just at the wrong time, that is improvement. When I look at last year (it wasn't awful, just slow), this year is better.

FWIW nutritional supplements have helped tremendously with energy levels and moods for both my high schooler and college student.

[PollyOR]

Where is the smiley with happy tears?

Thank you so much for sharing your own struggles. Just knowing that someone else out there understands what we are going through has made such a big difference. The sun is shining outside for few minutes and things no longer look bleak. I let dd sleep as long as she wanted (6am - noon) and she just came to my bedroom door with a smile on her face. I think we'll survive another day.

[Imprimis]

Where is the smiley with happy tears?

Thank you so much for sharing your own struggles. Just knowing that someone else out there understands what we are going through has made such a big difference. The sun is shining outside for few minutes and things no longer look bleak. I let dd sleep as long as she wanted (6am - noon) and she just came to my bedroom door with a smile on her face. I think we'll survive another day.

I'm so glad your day got off to a better start!

I do think the early teen years can be especially tough for some kids. My dd also has some issues with sleep, and since I've started letting her sleep later in the morniing, our days seem to run a bit smoother, and we actually get more done.

Another thing that has helped is regular exercise. I've been loading the kids up in the car right before dusk and taking them to a nearby park to walk/jog.

My dd seems to be following in my footsteps with bad headaches, and I've noticed that when she is exercising regularly, the headaches are not as frequent.

Lots of :grouphug: to you and your daughter, Polly!