Guardianship of our children in our will

[Barb F. PA in AZ]

Arwen A's recent posts about assuming guardianship of her friends' children made me think. My parents are still listed as the guardians of my children, but they turned 60 this year. They aren't young 60's, either. My dad battles dangerously high blood pressure, diabetes, and had a quadruple bypass 10 years ago. My mom is having just about all her joints replaced this year. So they aren't in the best of health. My brother is a late bloomer and although he's 37, he doesn't have the maturity to absorb a family of 5 kids. We've moved around a lot and as a result have no close friends.

My oldest daughter is turning 18 next month and when I mentioned my conundrum she insisted that if the worst ever happened, she would move back home and commute to school before she would ever allow her siblings to be separated. As much as that pleased me, 18 or 19 is very young to have sole responsibility for 5 other children. Makes me think of Party of Five. My mom said that until they are 70 or so, they should be willing and able to move in and help homeschool the little guys and hold down the fort as long as my daughter was around to help with the driving, heavy lifting, and physical work of raising children. So I feel better about our plans, but I wonder if I can list them all as guardians in our will? Is appointing 3 guardians even a possibility? Does anyone have a law background? I'd like to go in and have our will changed after Meg is 18, but it would be nice to know if it's legal first.

Barb

[Whisperlily]

My DH and I discussed this at one point. He has to formally list these things due to the military.

Although my parents are in good health, and I can't imagine them NOT taking my children full-time, you never know what the situation will be in time/when/if something happens. Just because they are the guardians, does not mean they HAVE to be the ones who have daily custody. Discuss this with your parents. If it was too difficult to do the everyday caring, THEY would be the ones to choose what is in the best interest of the children. It means that if something happened, my parents would be the ones to analyze the situation, handle their finances, and find the *best* place for them to live. I'm hoping we never need this option, but if we do, I trust my parents to make the decisions that are in the very best interest of the children.

[Barb F. PA in AZ]

My DH and I discussed this at one point. He has to formally list these things due to the military.

Although my parents are in good health, and I can't imagine them NOT taking my children full-time, you never know what the situation will be in time/when/if something happens. Just because they are the guardians, does not mean they HAVE to be the ones who have daily custody. Discuss this with your parents. If it was too difficult to do the everyday caring, THEY would be the ones to choose what is in the best interest of the children. It means that if something happened, my parents would be the ones to analyze the situation, handle their finances, and find the *best* place for them to live. I'm hoping we never need this option, but if we do, I trust my parents to make the decisions that are in the very best interest of the children.

That's kind of where we are right now. I talked to my mom this morning and what she said was pretty close to what you just said. But since my oldest so graciously offered to share custody, I thought it might be a nice gesture to make it legal and official. Sort of a psychological boost to show that we trusted her in the event something happened, KWIM?

Barb

[kalanamak]

Just because they are the guardians, does not mean they HAVE to be the ones who have daily custody. Discuss this with your parents. If it was too difficult to do the everyday caring, THEY would be the ones to choose what is in the best interest of the children. It means that if something happened, my parents would be the ones to analyze the situation, handle their finances, and find the *best* place for them to live.

I picked a brother, then a sister, then a neice, and made it clear to all of them that guardian just means making sure kiddo goes to a good place. Family, fine, but there are other wonderful parents in the world, too. You cannot factor in all variables. Pick caring, emotionally mature people and trust them to make good decisions. Wills/trusts/etc. that try to control from the grave make for unhappy survivors...sometimes for decades.

[Jenstet]

We have a strange will. We have 3 couples listed and one executor of the "estate". He has ultimate say over who gets the kids and money based on their current situation and would oversee the kids money until adulthood.

Neither of our parents are on the list.

[Barb F. PA in AZ]

I picked a brother, then a sister, then a neice, and made it clear to all of them that guardian just means making sure kiddo goes to a good place. Family, fine, but there are other wonderful parents in the world, too. You cannot factor in all variables. Pick caring, emotionally mature people and trust them to make good decisions. Wills/trusts/etc. that try to control from the grave make for unhappy survivors...sometimes for decades.

I'm not sure I understand. Did I leave the impression I'm trying to control things from my grave? I hope not. In my experience, the worst family feuds are caused when vague instructions are given, or worse, none at all. I understand the gist of what you're saying, but dh and I have *no one* else we could trust to keep our kids' best interest in mind. We have no close friends due to many moves, and his family is kind of nuts. No seriously, they're crazy. So in our case, the scenario I listed above is really our only solution short of foster care. I wasn't asking whether it was appropriate, only if it were possible.

Barb

[Barb F. PA in AZ]

Thanks to those who have responded. Our first will was done 15 years ago and was so much less complicated. We will have to find an attorney and get things updated posthaste.

Barb

[Anne]

I would definitely be sure that you have the maximum amount of life insurance possible to make this as easy as possible. Your dd sounds like a wonderful young woman - a dd to be proud of!!

Anne

[JWSJ]

We have the opposite problem.

We can only think of one person (my sister) to give guardianship to should something happen to us (the parents). Apparently, you should have aleast three guardian possibilities listed.

We have plenty of family members who are offering to take the kids, but we politely said no. They were/are horrible parents and their kids turned out less than desirable.

You should have seen the reaction when we politely said, "No, thank you" to most of our family. Then when they heard who was our choice there was nothing but petty arguing.

It made us want to get the will drawn up even more (and set in stone), because if anything does happen to us (the parents) I am certain it (the Will) will be challenged in an attempt to gain custody of our children.

Our family's reaction was unsettling for us.

[happy2homeschool]

I think it is legal to name 3 guardians for all of your minor children (at least I think this is true in AZ where I am assuming you live). The reason that it may not be recommended is that a problem may arise where the 3 guardians are not in agreement on something and the question is how will this be resolved? Perhaps you need to state some things in your will specifically (which guardian will manage the money, for example) and let the named guardians use their best judgment for everything else. A lawyer can help you state your wants and needs in your will, without being too specific to burden the guardians, but being specific enough to give you peace of mind. I practiced law in AZ, but I never came across this issue before, so I suggest going to a lawyer who specializes in this area. Good luck!

[3littlekeets]

We have the opposite problem.

We can only think of one person (my sister) to give guardianship to should something happen to us (the parents). Apparently, you should have aleast three guardian possibilities listed.

We have plenty of family members who are offering to take the kids, but we politely said no. They were/are horrible parents and their kids turned out less than desirable.

You should have seen the reaction when we politely said, "No, thank you" to most of our family. Then when they heard who was our choice there was nothing but petty arguing.

It made us want to get the will drawn up even more (and set in stone), because if anything does happen to us (the parents) I am certain it (the Will) will be challenged in an attempt to gain custody of our children.

Our family's reaction was unsettling for us.


We have the same problem, as well. My youngest sister is amazing, but we do not want any of the remaining family raising our children. After my sister and her husband, we have designated 2 couples who are dear friends of ours and fully understand our children's educational and spiritual needs. Like you, we had to get things in stone because we are certain some family members would fight it (including Dh's brother whose myspace page says "Favorite book: 'Read??? I don't f'ing like to read' " :confused:
Yeah, he's not raising my kids!