Not sure what to do about this difficult situation...

[Luanne]

I know some of you are aware than I have a 19 year old daughter and that I am single. I thought I would share more and see if anyone else knows anyone or anything about how to deal with this better.

I have been married three times. My first husband is my daughter's biological father. He abandoned us when she was only 2 years old. I remarried when she was 6. My second husband physically abused and molested her until she was 10 when we left ... that is when I found out what was going on. I remarried when she was 12. My third husband abused her emotionally and mentally. He constantly put her down, telling her she was stupid and would never amount to anything. He wouldn't let her do anything or have any friends.

Forward to now... she is 19 years old with an emotional muturity of probably about 10 maybe (most of the time). We went through a very rough period from about 13 to 15, but since then she is at least open to being talked to about certain behaviors. I find myself constantly reminding her that she is 19. She has difficulty remembering things as well as a very short attention span.

I was wondering if any of you would have any suggestions to help her (as well as help me not to get so impatient with her).

Thanks in advance.

Luanne (mother of Rebekah)

[Eliana]

Sweetie, has she been seeing a counselor?

This is intense stuff, and, imho, it calls for some professional assistance.

Aside from that, it is hard to advise you without knowing what kind of issues you're dealing with.

With the traumas she has had, I think learning how to create appropriate boundaries will be really hard for her.

How is she physically? Does she sleep well? Eat well? Take good care of herself? Being able to take care of herself, to cherish herself is a big step, and, emotionally, is connected to a lot of other areas.

What is she doing academically? How is her confidence level about her own abilities?

Does she have an area in her life where she is able to be successful?

What things seem to feed your relationship with her, and what tears it down?

I would ask myself these kinds of questions... it's the emotional equivalent of picking at a mass of tangled yarn until you can find an end bit to start extracting. (Don't feel you need to share any of the answers here, I was brainstorming the questions I would start with in your situation.)

My first instinct is to work on strengthening the relationship. On finding ways of connecting and trusting and enjoying each other's company - sometimes focusing on cherishing a child helps me get more grounded and more in touch with my patience, and then I'm in a better space to problem solve and she is more receptive.

Then I'd pick one area, one thing that eats at my heart the most, and try to break the problem up into its components...and pick one small bit to work on. I'd remind myself as I did so that the rest of the issues would be dealt with later, now we were going to deal with X, the rest would come with time.

I wish I could give more specific help, but, please, please, my dear make sure she gets to a counselor. Even if she went before, if she is having issues now, she needs to go back...

And, Luanne.... (((Luanne))) I cannot imagine the heartbreak you have gone through.

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm going to agree with Eliana. This is way beyond our realm, you really need to seek professional help for you and your daughter.

[RoughCollie]

I think your daughter needs therapy pronto. She has been abused in every possible way. She probably has PTSD because of it. Certainly, her emotional immaturity is due to the abuse.

If she sees a therapist, she should see one who is experienced in dealing with childhood s*xual abuse. S/he will also be experienced with counseling patients who have PTSD, and who have been physically and verbally abused. Oftentimes, all of these go hand-in-hand. The therapy will likely take several years.

One of the best books on the subject is _Trauma and Recovery_, by Judith Herman. Another good book is _Outgrowing the Pain: A Book for and about Adults Abused as Children_, by Eliana Gil.

I am recommending these books for you to read so that you can understand your DD better. I would not advise giving them to your DD until she is in therapy and her therapist says it is okay. This is because reading these books will bring up emotions your DD experienced during the periods of abuse, and she may not be able to handle it.

This is not something you can handle by yourself, that's for sure. In fact, I'd say that you need counseling too -- being the mother of a child who has been through this has undoubtedly taken its toll on you in a variety of ways.

[strider]

I applaud you for seeking help. It can be hard to make yourself vulnerable.

Eliana had really good things to say. I think focusing on strengthening your relationship and learning to cherish and appreciate her (more) will help.

I also urge you, from the bottom of my heart, to find a therapist to work with the two of you towards healing. A caring, skilled therapist can really help. You can call local churches to see if they have any recommendations.

(((Luanne)))

[beansprouts]

Luanne, it sounds like you two have had a really rough time. You've been hurt too, very deeply. I want you to know my heart goes out to you both {{HUGS}}

[Whisperlily]

I'm going to be another to agree wholeheartedly with Eliana. Re-read her post, and seek professional help. Possibly even meet with a professional yourself (separate from your daughter) so that you can have someone trained in this area coaching you on how to take the steps required for healing and help for your daughter.

It's definitely not something you should try to carry on your own.

:grouphug: I can't imagine what you have been through.

[GVA]

I've read some of your other posts, and this is something that you both need to address seriously. You both have patterns that are not going to be good for you in the long run, and it will take time to reorient yourself. As difficult and horrible as the past can be, we all have today to make wise choices.

Sometimes you can find free or low-cost help through churches or work, and sometimes you'll have to pay for it yourself. If you start with someone and it's just not doing anything for you after a few sessions, you need to try someone else.

DH and I used to be very wary of counselling because of stories we'd heard, but we've had multiple times over the last five years where a professional counsellor got us reoriented as we've dealt with his ongoing disability issues and difficult family dynamics. We've also seen some people who didn't help us at all, but the good ones have been well worth it.