My son is driving me........

[gingersmom]

I can't even think of a word. I think I'm speechless! Not having a good day.

Quick background-did not speak till he was 4 (started speech at 18 months till he was 9), started OT at 18 months (till he was 8). Has no speech issues (speaking I mean). He actually can't stop talking now. From sunup to sundown he is talking.

This is our third year homeschooling (school was awful, his father died suddenly, did I mention the school was awful?). He does amazing at school. He adores school. He is incredibly smart, has the most incredible memory, blah blah blah.

This is his problem-

9 times out of 10 (9 3/4 out of 10) I can guarantee you that we go on vacation or a long weekend to some place new he is going to come completely unglued for at least the first day to the point of ruining it for his sister and anyone also along.

We have been to Washington, DC (meltdown), Philadelphia (meltdown, I made him sit on a bench the whole time we were at the Franklin Museum, which is amazing!), Florida (meltdown).

He is 10 and I am just at my wits end.

He knows exactly what we are going to do before we go (in great detail, he helps pick out things to do, etc). He is very excited to go. Excited in the car, on the plane. Excited till we get there.

Enter the meltdown stage.

Its getting to where I am afraid to take him anywhere farther than my front door. He apologizes, has meltdown, apologizes, meltdown, rinse and repeat.

:banghead:

Any thoughts?

[chiguirre]

Have you tried medication? It's helped my oldest so much and I'm just starting a trial of a new class of medication with ds2. They don't always help and there can be side effects, but if you find a good match it can make the whole family's life sooo much better.

:grouphug:

[gingersmom]

Have you tried medication? It's helped my oldest so much and I'm just starting a trial of a new class of medication with ds2. They don't always help and there can be side effects, but if you find a good match it can make the whole family's life sooo much better.

:grouphug:

Medicate him every time he has to go farther than 30 miles from home?

I'm thinking more along the lines of hypnosis (just kidding, I think).

[EKS]

Therapy.

[gingersmom]

Therapy.

He was in therapy because his father died very unexpectedly. This all began in utero I think.

He is not a therapy kind of child. I paid thousands of dollars (out of pocket) for him to build with legos and play with toys and utter about 3 sentences to the therapist (I would pop in/out of some sessions to observe and talk with therapist).

His sister will spill the beans but he is just much more reserved in that way.

He tells me why he is upset. We discuss. It continues for hours. My hair is turning gray. My mother trys to play amateur psychiatrist which adds to my stress. :confused:

[EKS]

Have you tried medication? My son took Celexa (for anxiety) and it made him so much more reasonable. I hesitate to recommend this sort of medication because coming off it is extremely difficult. But it really did help my son for the time he was on it.

[chiguirre]

No, medicate him everyday to help him respond more appropriately to his anxiety. If he only melts down when you travel, IMHO avoid travelling. If it's anytime he's inordinately stressed and he can't control his reaction, I'd consider looking for a medication that will help him to moderate his reaction. In my ds2's case, it's clear that he's upset about his meltdowns, but once he's past a certain level of anxiety, he loses the ability to soothe himself and just loses it. Therapy has helped him a lot, but I don't think it can help him in more extreme situations because he just can't respond rationally once he's too upset.

It's just something to think about if he's doing well most of the time and is upset that he can't control his reaction even when he'd like to.

ETA: My son has done Applied Behavioral Analysis, not talk therapy. It's targeted to help kids with autism, ADHD or other behavioral dxs to develop more appropriate social skills. It's not meant to help kids work through specific traumas.

[Wyndie]

Is he having sensory overload perhaps; all the build up and then the actual outting could lead to overload in his brain perhaps? The Out-of-sync-child is very helpful for a child needing help with sensory overload or a sensory-seeker.

:grouphug:

[gingersmom]

Is he having sensory overload perhaps; all the build up and then the actual outting could lead to overload in his brain perhaps? The Out-of-sync-child is very helpful for a child needing help with sensory overload or a sensory-seeker.

:grouphug:

I really don't think its a sensory issue. He was in OT for nearly 8 years and I am 99% sure all of his issues have been resolved.

We can be in a stadium of 10,000 people and he can be fine. Where we were yesterday was maybe 30 people spread out over two floors and it was quiet. Very very quiet.

I'm beginning to think its a personality quirk.

[internet13444]

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[sparrow]

He sounds like my 69 year old father. Obviously he's not "melting down" at 69, but he gets my mother (and me, when I was a child) all pumped up about going somewhere only to be a complete downer or get very angry about something insignificant when we arrive at our destination. It ruins it for everyone. In his case, it is a control issue. Maybe it is in your son's, too. He's taking control in the way he knows how in a world that feels out of his control (dad dying, etc.). Just a thought.

[JennW in SoCal]

My oldest ds was like that. New places, new situations, and a change in routine were always difficult for him. Even going to the local zoo could cause a meltdown because he couldn't transition into going home.

Meds and therapy don't help with this one. Some people simply can't figure out how to exist in an unfamiliar situation and it unglues them. Some people need routine or they come unglued. Adults have different kinds of meltdowns but it happens with them too when traveling -- think of all the ugly tourist stories out there. Museums are hard, too, for a kid like this. Imagine having to stand and read and think when all you can do is feel uncomfortable because you are someplace strange, and everyone is taking forever and you just want to go outside and run...

You are doing all the right things. The planning and involving him. I think the next thing to involve him in his figuring how to prevent the meltdowns. Talk about what happened on your other trips and ask him what he was feeling and how you might help him not get so overwhelmed next time. It is a kind of sensory overload that is happening to him, so maybe being allowed to sit on a bench with a favorite small toy, or with an audio book might be all he needs to keep from going over the edge. If you are traveling with others you may have to let your dd go with them while you go at your ds's pace and allow him to leave before he hits meltdown point -- no apologies necessary on his part. You may have to build in more down time at the hotel than you think necessary, or at a park.

I love to be able to tell others how we overcame similar situations, but unfortunately the truth is that we hardly traveled to new places because of my ds. We were the ones who adapted to him because of his strong personality -- it simply made life easier. In his teen years the melt downs turned into withering sarcasm or being overly horrified at how stupid his family was. We had a successful trip a couple of years ago where he was able to find his happy place and enjoy the uniqueness of his family and the crazy places I want to visit. I haven't pushed my luck and taken him on more trips, though! Now that he is moving away we are planning to do all the travel we never did, and he thinks it is great.

Sorry not to be able to give you more positive advice! It is hard and frustrating, but it sounds like he is struggling and is sad that he can't handle the things that you and his sister enjoy. I hope you find some compromises that work for you all.

[gingersmom]

My oldest ds was like that. New places, new situations, and a change in routine were always difficult for him. Even going to the local zoo could cause a meltdown because he couldn't transition into going home.

Meds and therapy don't help with this one. Some people simply can't figure out how to exist in an unfamiliar situation and it unglues them. Some people need routine or they come unglued. Adults have different kinds of meltdowns but it happens with them too when traveling -- think of all the ugly tourist stories out there. Museums are hard, too, for a kid like this. Imagine having to stand and read and think when all you can do is feel uncomfortable because you are someplace strange, and everyone is taking forever and you just want to go outside and run...

You are doing all the right things. The planning and involving him. I think the next thing to involve him in his figuring how to prevent the meltdowns. Talk about what happened on your other trips and ask him what he was feeling and how you might help him not get so overwhelmed next time. It is a kind of sensory overload that is happening to him, so maybe being allowed to sit on a bench with a favorite small toy, or with an audio book might be all he needs to keep from going over the edge. If you are traveling with others you may have to let your dd go with them while you go at your ds's pace and allow him to leave before he hits meltdown point -- no apologies necessary on his part. You may have to build in more down time at the hotel than you think necessary, or at a park.

I love to be able to tell others how we overcame similar situations, but unfortunately the truth is that we hardly traveled to new places because of my ds. We were the ones who adapted to him because of his strong personality -- it simply made life easier. In his teen years the melt downs turned into withering sarcasm or being overly horrified at how stupid his family was. We had a successful trip a couple of years ago where he was able to find his happy place and enjoy the uniqueness of his family and the crazy places I want to visit. I haven't pushed my luck and taken him on more trips, though! Now that he is moving away we are planning to do all the travel we never did, and he thinks it is great.

Sorry not to be able to give you more positive advice! It is hard and frustrating, but it sounds like he is struggling and is sad that he can't handle the things that you and his sister enjoy. I hope you find some compromises that work for you all.

We had a meltdown at the zoo!!

It was a new zoo and it was huge. We were up close to the window looking at the baboons and a baboon came up to the window and started screaming loudly. We quickly exited the zoo.
And my son adores going to the zoo. But of course he knows our zoo, exactly where everything is, we don't need a map.

Museums we do fine at. He adores museums.

But we did make a trip to Disney and we spent till early afternoon at the pool. Then the day we went to the animal park ( I forget the name) we had a meltdown. We spent maybe an hour there before leaving. Thankfully my mother stayed with my daughter and took her through the park and out to dinner. I still miss getting to see all the exhibits.

In second grade (our first year homeschooling) I pulled the plug on everything after a meltdown at a school time performance (and the weird thing is he remembered everything (I mean everything) about the show and talked about it for a year later. And I told him why we were not going to any classes or shows.

Last year (third grade) we went back to classes and shows and he did amazing.

This year his sister is now homeschooling. And I am thinking maybe it is upsetting the dynamic a little bit. They are best of friends but now he is sharing his "school" time with someone else.

I am going to go give him a big hug and keep plugging away.

[Twinmom]

Sounds SO much like my DD10, who has sensory processing disorder! Specifically, she has trouble transitioning, handling too much stimulation (which happens when out in public fairly often!), has auditory, vestibular and visual sensitivities, etc. We just thought she was being difficult and/or having meltdowns without explanation, but an OT eval showed the underlying causes for the behavior. We had no idea about most of the stuff going on! The underlying physical differences result in behaviors that we are now learning how to manage.

She's benefited greatly from occupational therapy with an OT who specializes in children with SPD...we're finding creative solutions to a lot of things, like chewing on a plastic tube for anxiety-provoking situations, using certain special swings to calm down, an electric toothbrush because regular toothbrushes are irritating, foam soap instead of liquid soap for tactile sensitivities...weird stuff is making a big difference. She's also taking anti-anxiety medications in the short run, which we hope to eliminate as OT progresses.

I'd encourage you to have an OT eval for your son and see if he has a similar issue. We wasted lots of money, years and frustration on therapy that was supportive but didn't solve the problem, when occupational therapy was really what we needed. :glare: