Any advice for dealing with relatives?

[JenSMP]

We decided to pull ds6 out of private Catholic school due to boredom and the typcial behaviors that accompany that boredom. Not to mention, we were paying out the nose for ds to learn nothing for two years+.

So, we're homeschooling, and excluding a rough start on day 1, ds is doing beautifully. I knew my sweet little boy was in there somewhere! He's like a different person. He's LOVING school and even wants to do more in the evenings when we're finished with school and getting ready for bed! He's learning so much already, and I'm just so happy. Not one meltdown, no crying, not speaking badly of himself (used to feel pretty down on himself because school was such a struggle, and he didn't fit in well). We are using TWTM guide, and I'm so pleasantly surprised that ds6 is absolutely hooked.

He has had no problems leaving the kids from school; He hasn't even asked about them. I don't think there were any really strong connections, which I guess is typical. He was a year ahead of the other kids due to holding him back in PK4 for "social" reasons. Bad idea, but anyway, my point is he was already chronologically older than the others, and then add in the fact that he's several grade levels ahead of them, he really didn't mesh well in that environment. They said they couldn't provide a differentiated curriculum, and they couldn't accelerate him.

So....dh and I feel very good about the decision to homeschool at this point. We're still reasearching other schools to try to find somewhere that can meet ds's needs. So far, we're not impressed, but we're going to keep looking.

We have family, on the other hand, who are not supportive and feel that we're making a huge mistake. I feel like we're the ones who have done all the research, and we're his parents. Obviously, we feel like we're making the best decision for ds.

What do you tell family members who question your decision? What do you tell them when they are just positive that your child is going to turn out to be "weird"? What do you tell them when they say he needs "socialization"? And they say, "soccer once a week isn't enough!"?
We have playdates with friends, after school activities, and we're looking into the possibility of a coop. I'm sorry to go on and on. It seems that no matter what I say, there's always a "yeah, BUT...." People have preconceived ideas about homeschooling that you just can't break through. Has anything worked for you?

Thanks for "listening" to me vent. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Jen

[justamouse]

They've found that homeschool children are well socialized. They're just not socialized with 300 peers 5 days a week.

http://www.nheri.org/Research-Facts-on-Homeschooling.html

And for fun

http://thepioneerwoman.com/homeschooling/2009/09/the-oldest-one-in-the-book/

[RanchGirl]

.

[RanchGirl]

thanks for that second link justamouse, I loved this line:

"Mrs. G. isn’t sure when “socialization” became such an urgent and determining concern in shaping a child’s future, but she’s got to tell you, loud and clear, that she thinks the idea that a public school setting fosters a higher caliber, gold standard set of cultural skills, habits and norms is a used and tired bill of goods."

[Donna]

I feel like we're the ones who have done all the research, and we're his parents. Obviously, we feel like we're making the best decision for ds.

I think you answered your own question perfectly here. Time will be your best proof that you have made the right decision for your child.

[JeanM]

I think you answered your own question perfectly here. Time will be your best proof that you have made the right decision for your child.

:iagree:

I just wanted to add that most of my relatives questioned our decision to homeschool. A few of them have changed their minds, but mostly they continue to criticize homeschooling. My parents have been especially un-supportive, and I have to admit that it really bothers me sometimes. I'm working on growing thicker skin!

Jean

[8FillTheHeart]

We have been doing this for 16 yrs; our oldest has something like a 3.5 or 3.65 GPA as a rising senior in chemical engineering; our kids, with the exception of our high school senior who has Aspergers, are all well-adjusted, perfectly normal kids..........and guess what.........our family still disapproves of homeschooling!:tongue_smilie:

Honestly, I haven't cared in the past, nor do I care now, what my family thinks. These are our children, not theirs. Supportive or not is irrelevant from my own personal perspective. We have simply told them that we are making the decisions that we believe are best for our children. (As far as that goes, our family disapproves about our family size as well. You can see how much of an impact that has made!!!:lol:) Over the yrs, they have simply stopped making as many comments and simply throw in a jab here and there every once in a while.

If you want to be deflective, you can make comments like you are making it a yr by yr decision and that it isn't a permanent choice, etc. Or you can ask them if they will be willing to wait and see if this yr is a success and how your ds adjusts both academically and socially, etc.

But, really, it boils down to you and your commitment. The best way to change their minds is to not let their opinions and comments interfere with the job you have assumed. Stand firm in your decision, plow ahead, and focus on your ds and his needs. :grouphug:

[WendyK]

I wouldn't say much of anything. You could simply say you have researched it and feel this is the best decision for your child. And leave it at that. If you start debating all of these points you won't win because they have already made up their mind. You don't need to change it, and you probably won't. People who think homeschooling is weird and wrong and whatever don't often change their mind. There is nothing you can do, but let the results speak for themselves.

You can also acknowledge that homeschooling is NOT exactly like group schooling. Because it is not. And you don't even want to try to make it like that. You never will be able to. But that is ok. Different is not bad. Different is just different. And your son has company. There are plenty of homeschooled kids out there proving that it works.

It is very odd to me that people have no problems with a kid suffering through a bad school situation. But apparently some people think that is part of the package. Like it is a rite of passage to have a bad school experience.

If you homeschool long enough you will gain more confidence and you will worry less and less what other people think (even your own family members).

[nova147]

My family has been resistant, exactly, but . . . there have been comments. I try to acknowledge their concerns while emphasizing that this is a decision DH and I have made in the best interest of our kids. For example, "Yes, Mom, I know playing with other kids is important. We'll continue to make sure DS has opportunities to interact with other kids. But we have to put his academic growth first when making educational decisions, and this is the best thing for him right now." A statement like this makes it clear that I understand the concern Grandma has about her grandchild's life and that I also think it's important. But it doesn't leave the discussion open (well,with the exception of the right now part, but it seems like you and I are in the same place on that - there may be a more appropriate environment in the future, but I haven't found it yet). If Mom were to continue arguing with me after this, I would just repeat that DH and I have made our decision. And I would try to change the subject. In time, they will probably settle down. They will see that things are going well and your child is not becoming "weird". (I have the benefit of having a "weird" child to start with -- he's always been that way!) And they will learn to accept that you aren't interested in debating this with them. I hope things go well for you!

[dangermom]

:iagree: You don't have to engage them on every single thing. Just keep repeating yourself: "I appreciate your concern about X aspect of homeschooling, but we have given this a lot of thought and we feel it's best for our family right now."

They love the little guy, and they're worried, so you can acknowledge that, but you don't have to completely address every question and defend yourself endlessly.

You might think about buying this little booklet (http://www.secular-homeschooling.com/dont_worry/index.html) or something similar to give them.

[kpupg]

:iagree: :grouphug:

[plimsoll]

Don't get into it with them. It's more important to save your energy for homeschooling.

You may need to politely but firmly reiterate that while you thank them for their opinion, you have made up your mind and the decision is yours to make, not theirs.

Do what you can to change the subject, defuse things, and lighten things up. Eventually they'll agree to disagree and leave you mostly alone on the subject. But above all, do not let them suck you into unending arguments that you cannot win - they are already convinced that they know best. That's ok - you do not need their approval to succeed.

Better to use your time and energy in the bright, happy, and wonderful task of homeschooling your children. Eventually the results will speak for themselves.

[jec3113]

Honestly, I do not understand why people think it is their right to tell others how to live their life! Until they have walked a mile in your shoes they will never understand. I think that most people are so afraid of going against the "norm" that they cannot comprehend how it might work better. Keep doing what you are doing, and if the family doesn't like it, then too bad. Personally, I don't have time for people who are not supportive.

[WTMCassandra]

Required Reading for New Homeschoolers: Bean Dip article (http://goybparenting.com/?p=58).

Written by our own Joanne, this is indispensable advice. Affirm your decision, don't explain, and change the subject. Explaining has the same effect as blood in the water has for sharks. You show weakness by explaining, and they refute you, point by point, with nonsense. They have no interest in changing their opinion. They will either come around gradually when they see results over a period of time, or they won't.

I know it's hard to catch flak from your parents. But your son is YOURS and you are doing something great for him--and he seems to know it! Perceptive child!

[skaterbabs]

"Socializing? Oh, you mean waiting in a line with 18 other 6 year olds to use the bathroom? She gets plenty of practice with that at Tae Kwon Do, cheerleading and ice skating, thanks!"

[Janelless]

My FIL recently demanded we put our dd in public school so she could have social interaction with other children. After rolling around hysterically laughing...I emailed back and invited him down to follow us around for a week. If after that week he had any concerns we would address them then. But that ultimately DD's education wasn't up for discussion with anyone but my dh and myself. (Also knowing full well he wouldn't come down as he can't seem to be in the same state as I am...so following this hated person around for a week would be akin to torture for him.)

Then shared this with my own mother (who is our biggest and loudest supporter) who also rolled around laughing hysterically.

Janelle

[Seeker]

I have found that time is the best advocate. Unfortunately, it seems to take so long before enough passes that they realize your child is behaving and is socializing in the way they think all children should be, which means she is not like most children and therefore "weird."

On the other hand, I am all right with people thinking we are weird and have prepared my daughter for that because what makes us weird to other people are things that distinguish our differences to them and, personally, I rarely want to be compatible in the things that some of those people consider normal. I even once beat someone to the punch and said that my daughter would be weird compared to other children and the first thing that person wanted to do was defend her as not being weird--doesn't always work, but I knew in this case it would.

Homeschooling is controversial and like other controversial subjects where there is no agreement (politics, religion), once we know where everyone stands on the subject, it does not really need to be discussed further. I respect that they have the right to speak out their opinion against homeschooling as long as they respect my right to change the subject--politics, anyone? Hey, even the homeschooled boy next door thinks we are weird because he found out we don't drink soda, but I do not feel the need to defend my lifestyle or provide him with information as to why soda is not good for a person's health, which might cause him to think his parents are not doing the right things for him. (I apologize to those of you who might be offended because you drink soda regularly and I really don't think it is weird, but you can change the subject if you like. ;))

[Kalah]

I have come to terms with the fact that people in my family aren't going to like my decision to homeschool our sons.
I just smile nicely and tell them that I appreciate their concerns but really, our boys are growing just fine. I think as time has gone on and the see that my boys interact well with others, etc. they have lightened up on the socialization arguement.
An old time poster (I wish I could remember who exactly it was) said this is how she answered the socialization question: "Socialization? Oh yes, my husband takes care of that. He comes home for lunch, corners the kids in the bathroom, shakes them down for their lunch money, then gives them a swirlie." ;) I've used this when cornered and it works. At least, it breaks the tension and lets me regroup.
FWIW, my boys have playgroups, taekwondo, soccer and archery. We have plenty of opportunities in addition to family outings.

[Madison]

:iagree:

[StephanieZ]

Required Reading for New Homeschoolers: Bean Dip article (http://goybparenting.com/?p=58).

Written by our own Joanne, this is indispensable advice. Affirm your decision, don't explain, and change the subject. Explaining has the same effect as blood in the water has for sharks. You show weakness by explaining, and they refute you, point by point, with nonsense. They have no interest in changing their opinion. They will either come around gradually when they see results over a period of time, or they won't.

I know it's hard to catch flak from your parents. But your son is YOURS and you are doing something great for him--and he seems to know it! Perceptive child!
:iagree:

LOL, I read the OP's post and was skimming through to make sure someone told her about "pass the bean dip". . . It's great advice. And a classic WTM board theme! Total classic.

[plimsoll]

As quickly as you can, agree to disagree and discontinue the conversation. We have disapproving relatives and we never discuss it anymore. It simply doesn't come up. You only have so much energy, which you need for homeschooling. Dispersing your energy in fruitless argument and exposing yourself to continual disapproval will only drain and exasperate you. You need the bright, happy, wonderful thing that is homeschooling filling your thoughts and emotions, not the dragdown energy of disapproval and argument. My two cents....