Reward, punish or ignore?...

[WTMindy]

My 9yods sometimes drags his feet on his assignments pretending he doesn't know how to do something that I know he can do because he doesn't really want to think. I have taken away privileges and then the day takes a turn for the worse. Today he had some difficult problems and I took a reverse approach. I told him if he got all the problems without asking me for help he would get a reward. The little stinker did them with no problems at all and got his piece of candy. He is very motivated by food (or by losing dessert at night).

I have never been one to reward behavior that is just expected. I am more of the mind that you do it without the reward. If you can do it for a reward, you should be able to do it without a reward. But, I love the positive tone it set for the day and it worked so well. But, I don't want to set any precedent where he only works for candy.

What do you all think is a good balance between rewarding good behavior and expecting the right thing without rewards or punishing for bad attitudes?

[Joanne]

My 9yods sometimes drags his feet on his assignments pretending he doesn't know how to do something that I know he can do because he doesn't really want to think.

Quantify "sometimes". 9 year old boys are notorious for inconsistently finding the ability to care and focus for formal academics.

In many cases involving "sometimes", I'd give an acceptable alternative with the condition that abuse of that option is a choice to have the option removed.

[WTMindy]

Quantify "sometimes". 9 year old boys are notorious for inconsistently finding the ability to care and focus for formal academics.

In many cases involving "sometimes", I'd give an acceptable alternative with the condition that abuse of that option is a choice to have the option removed.

I would say that it is becoming more of a pattern-half the time. This is new territory for me because I have always felt that I have had great obedience from my kids. This past year I have seen ds stretching his wings and pushing the limits toward what I would consider appropriate. It really isn't bad compared to what many describe, but I am used to having pretty darn compliant kids. I guess it is really about finding the balance of obedience as he grows older. I'm just curious as to what others do in balancing this as the kids get older.

[Meliss]

When it comes to my own boys, I get frustrated that they are not more internally motivated. For the most part, when I was young, I wanted to do my best job at whatever I was given to do. I liked to do a good job on all my schoolwork. I notice my daughter being motivated more the way that I was, but my sons are different creatures.

I think that on a limited basis, external rewards are fine, especially when they are improving attitudes on both the part of the child and the parent. You probably won't always have to rely on the incentive. Your son may get into a good habit of working diligently on the problems that you give him and you can phase out the reward.

When my kids started taking piano lessons, our piano teacher used candy a lot as incentives to accomplish small goals. At first I didn't like the "bribery", but it certainly did keep the attitudes lighter towards practicing. Especially when first starting out, piano practice is very tedious with very little inherent reward. The child has not experienced working on pieces enough times to realize that it is always slow-going grunt work at first, but soon enough he/she will be able to play an enjoyable piece of music. After the child has experienced that process many times, the reward of perfecting a piece becomes enough (usually ~ one of my kids likes to wallow in angst every time he begins a new piece.)

HTH

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I've read an article that said that rewarding all the time is counterproductive, but that rewarding developmental leaps is acceptable. It helps them get over the hump, giving them just the little boost they need to stretch their wings a little more.

It sounds like your ds is becoming more independent, or you see that he's able to do so. He's a little reluctant, not sure he's ready to go it alone. I don't see that a reward right now, to get him over this developmental hump, would be a bad thing. As he show you (and becomes convinced himeself) that he's capable of doing this on his own, you can phase out the reward, or change it to something healthier ("We're all out of candy, how about some peanut butter crackers instead"). He'll know that you know he doesn't really need the reward, and he'll stop expecting it. He knows you well enough to know that this isn't a long term policy. :)

[Peek a Boo]

Another thumbs up for Positive Goal Reonforcement, lol. The good news is it should be pretty easy to wean him off the treat pretty soon ---"Hey-- I've seen you at your best, and it looks darn good. I can't accept any less anymore!"

Or offer a treat for TWO days' worth of work done well....

[WTMindy]

I'll be pondering this advice! Good stuff.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Mindy,

I haven't read the rest of the thread yet, but I do have an idea.

Generally, I'm against reward and punishment. However, I do think that sometimes one or the other can help "in a pinch" for very specific behaviors in order to turn around a situation, usually to set up a new good habit (or extinguish a bad one).

For example, in your case, I [I]might[I] consider rewards for a time in order to make this positive atmosphere and attitude the new habit. In the couple times ever I've used a strategy like this, it's been 1-3 weeks. I'm willing to compromise my main beliefs in these situations because weighing it out, it was worth it for us in our situation.

Again, in general, I don't like ANY reward/punishment to control a child. I'd prefer they learn better discipline than that (and *I* would like to be better disciplined than relying on those methods). But I don't think doing these things once in the bluest of moons is going to undermind years of better parenting either.

HTHs a little,
Pamela

[ELaurie]

:iagree: It motivates me to work toward a gaol.

I think a lot depends on the tone you set.

Sometimes establishing a playful tone, and making a "game" out of accomplishing the work quickly works at our house. Kind've like setting the timer or to help them learn to pick up toys quickly when they were little.

Think of it as training wheels as he moves toward a gaol of working more independently.

My kids will do work for M&Ms and chocolate chips - come to think of it, I will too :001_tt2: