Questions about style in writing, and whether these examples are o.k. are weak.

[Zee]

Example one: Ds recently wrote a paper that had the phrase, "as you can see...." in it. I told him that you should not put that in your papers, because the reader may not see things the way you have written them. I thought this was a no-no in writing. Ds pointed out today, that in his Apologia book it says, "As you can see..." I told him I'd ask the hive. :P What think ye?

Example two: Lately, ds wants to end the concluding paragraph of his papers with questions. For instance, he wrote a 4-paragraph compare and contrast essay that ended with, "...Which do you prefer and what features do you think are important?" Is it o.k. to end a paper with a direct question to the reader. It seems o.k. and I thought it meshed well with the paper, but I'm not sure, so I'm asking for advice. I should say that his concluding paragraph did have other sentences in it that led to the questions at the end, it wasn't just the question alone. Hope that makes sense.

[FloridaLisa]

I'll be the first to opine. :) While I was a journalism major and have written many legal briefs, opinions on style will differ. Here's my take.

I'd say there's no hard and fast rule on the use of "as you can see" in a paper. Some reasons I might not use it include its conversational tone and wordiness. Since I try to slice and dice where I can, I'd tend to use "therefore, apparently, clearly" or a similar term. Apologia's writing tends to be relaxed and conversational. Conversational style has its place (see e.g. Apologia and this post), as does a more formal tone. Pointing out differences in word choice at this point can help your ds as he writes for different audiences.


As for the habit of concluding a paragraph with a question to the reader, I think it's a cop out. :) Fitting conclusions require a bit more brain work. You stated the question worked in the context of the comparison/contrast paper and maybe it did. I would think that would be the exception in most papers and would encourage him to work his way toward a conclusion that wraps up the statements, reflections and thinking done in the paper. I think one of mine had a similar habit of starting papers off with a question: "What do sports cars and fighter jets have in common?" I'd send it back so that the child could work through how to craft an appropriate topic/clincher.

HTH!
Lisa

[Zee]

Thanks Lisa,
This is really helpful. I appreciate the concrete word choices you gave instead of "as you can see." Sometimes when I'm in the heat of editing with ds, I can't seem to find the words myself. I'm going to have him write those options down in his writer's notebook.

Re: issue no. 2. Well....maybe the question doesn't work well in the conclusion, but it just sounded good to me. :P We were on spring break last week, and this assignment was very long and drawn out. I think I'm going to let it pass this time, but it won't be allowed anymore. He knows I've posted about this and we've discussed it and will discuss it more tomorrow, so I don't think he will fight me on it in the future. It just won't be allowed. I'm learning too; with every assignment I learn something that I should have required "up front." I'm getting better about giving him a written checklist or discussing expectations up front. Your feedback was what I needed this time. Thank you for taking the time to respond. :)

[Aletheia Academy]

When I taught expository writing, this is feedback I would have given my students. We were focusing on papers that had a clear purpose, i.e. cause/effect/ comparison, persuasion, etc. The goal was to state a thesis and defend it with logic and organization (and style).

Avoid the informal/conversational tone of "as you can see. " The paper should seek to inspire thought and questionning, but not conversation. It needs to stand alone. A reader might feel "intruded upon."

I think the conclusion is actually the most difficult part of the paper. I have seen writing texts suggest a question in the conclusion, but I don't care for that effect. The purpose of the conclusion, IMO, is to leave the reader with your last, distilling thought on the topic, everything above it considered. It might also be appropriate to broaden the significance of the main idea to the world or life at-large. KWIM? I know some teachers did not ask for more than a one-three sentence conclusion.

HTH!

[Laura Corin]

I agree with Lisa. 'as you can see' falls into my 'unnecessarily wordy' category, and a conclusion should be a conclusion.

Best wishes

Laura

[Zee]

Thanks everyone. We seem to have a consensus. Ds and I will be discussing this today during writing. I really appreciate the feedback from all of you. Blessings. :)